Quips and Tips for Spiritual Seekers

The many different ways to express love to your spouse can be categorized into five love languages, according to Gary Chapman, author of the best-selling Five Love Languages book series. These include words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

Reading Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (click on book image for more information), opened my eyes to a whole new way of relating to my spouse. For years I wondered why my attempts of intimacy through snuggling, foot rubs and other sensual pleasures fell flat for my husband, and his busy activities of doing household projects and chores did little to impress me. This is because we were speaking different love languages! He expresses love through acts of service and I express it through physical touch.

“Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to speak our primary love language, and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love, but the message does not come through because we are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language,” says Chapman.

We each have a primary and secondary love language. When I discovered that my spouse feels loved when I make home made soups and chocolate chip cookies, and that giving him positive words of affirmation makes him purr like a cat, I suddenly had the key to his heart. When he realized how much I love physical touch and quality time spent together, he shifted his priorities. Now we are both happy because we each feel loved and know how to express love in a way that is appreciated.

If you’d like to discover which of the five love languages are your favorites and which ones will help you to express love to your spouse, read on for a description of each.

Five Love Languages to Express Love to Your Spouse

Words of Affirmation

Do you find you often use words to express love to your spouse? Are you sensitive to criticism, but love being praised and acknowledged? If so, words of affirmation may be your primary or secondary love language. Let your spouse know this. If you think this is one of their favorite ways to receive love, start to verbally affirm them.

A verbal affirmation may seem simple – isn’t it just a compliment? Well, actually, it’s more than just telling your wife she looks beautiful or commenting on how dashing your husband looks in his suite; it’s about focusing on the positive aspects of your spouse in a variety of ways. Encouraging them to pursue their goals and dreams, speaking kindly and lovingly, talking about them in a positive way to others, and avoiding criticism, as it will deflate their heart instantly, are all ways to express love to your spouse through words of affirmation.

Quality Time Together

If you resent your spouse for spending too much time away from home and long for intimate conversation, your main love language is most likely quality time together. If your partner complains of not having enough time with you, it is most likely theirs.

Sharing quality time isn’t just spending evenings together on the couch watching television; it’s about spending time together where you’re focused on each other. It could be spending time communicating from the heart and soul or doing activities that allow you to connect with each other. My Spiritual Seekers writing partner, Laurie, wrote about praying with your husband or wife as a way to spend quality spiritual time together.

Receiving Gifts

Does your heart glow when your spouse brings you home a surprise gift? Is your wedding ring an important symbol of love to you? If so, receiving gifts may be an important way for you to feel loved. If this is your partner’s love language, start shopping.

Actually, you don’t have to spend money to give a gift. Whether it’s a flower from your garden or a sparkling piece of jewelry, a gift symbolizes that you were thinking about your beloved. It’s a visual symbol of your love, without which your partner may feel unloved. Being physically present with your partner during important times is another way to express this form of love – a gift of your time and energy.

Acts of Service

If you feel warm and tender when your spouse cleans the house, cooks home-made meals and takes the garbage out, you may view acts of service as an expression of love. And if your partner complains that you never do anything to help around the house, it may be their preferred way to receive love.

If you don’t enjoy doing household chores and projects, you might feel more inspired towards these activities if you know it’s a way of saying “I love you” to your spouse. And if you do enjoy doing these activities and it lights a spark of love in your partner’s heart, then you’re set. Even small acts of service such as setting the dinner table or wiping the crumbs off the counter can go a long way in a short time.

Physical Touch

Is it just me or does having a hand caress your face, fingers sweep through your hair, and firm hands press against your back make you gooey? I know for me, the lack of physical touch can certainly make me cranky. If this is your experience too, then physical touch is an important way for you to feel loved. If your partner feels hurt or wounded when you physically withdraw, it is most likely their primary love language.

Expressing love through touch doesn’t have to mean having sex three times a day, seven days a week. For some sex is an important expression of love, but for others snuggling, hugging or feeling their partner’s hand on their knee is enough to feel fully loved. I immediately soften when my husband touches my back as he passes me in the kitchen or hallway.

Do you know your preferred way to receive love? And have you discovered how to express love to your spouse in a way he or she can appreciate? Please share your insights below.

You might also be interested in exploring 1000 Questions for Couples with your spouse as a way to deepen your connection.