Are you coping with cheating in Christian a marriage? Here’s how to survive an affair and build a more spiritual marriage with your spouse. Remember, you’re not relying on your strength, compassion, wisdom, or ability to forgive your spouse for having the affair…you’re leaning on the love of Jesus Christ.
Forgiveness heals you more than it heals others. Check this out:
“He, who cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach heaven; for everyone needs to be forgiven.” ~ George Herbert.
Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean staying in an unhealthy marriage. If you want to survive this affair and rebuild your Christian marriage, read Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair. And, here are five ways to move past the affair and breathe new life into your relationship…
Cheating in a Christian Marriage – How to Survive an Affair
1. Be encouraged by marriage coach Mort Fertel. This marriage expert reassures couples; he says when infidelity happens once, it’s less likely to happen again. “Once spouses learn their lesson about how destructive an affair is to a marriage, they’re less vulnerable to making the same mistake than someone who never cheated,” says Fertel. “I’ve seen many spouses transformed by the ‘I want a divorce’ wake-up call.” If your spouse is genuinely remorseful and sincere about rebuilding your marriage, then you need to let the past go and focus on your future together.
2. Remember that it takes time to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. My friend’s husband cheated on her about seven years ago, and she says it took her five years to get over it. They’re both Christians – they even had what she thought was a strong Christian marriage, praying as a couple and going to church together regularly. He had an affair with her best friend. It was painful for her to survive this affair, but today their marriage is solid. If you’re rebuilding your marriage, you’ll need time and patience.
3. Practice forgiveness every day – maybe even every hour! This is one of the keys to surviving an affair and improving your emotional and mental health. Your spouse made a mistake, and it tore at the fabric of your relationship – but that doesn’t mean you both have to pay for it forever! To overcome infidelity and rebuild your marriage, you have to forgive him and yourself. Forgiveness is a conscious choice you need to make every day. The more you choose to focus on love, trust, and forgiveness, the easier it gets. And, part of forgiving and reconnecting is learning why your spouse cheated in the first place.
4. Learn why your spouse had the affair. Gary Neuman is a therapist and author of The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It
. It’s an excellent resource for surviving an affair (whether or not you have a Christian marriage) because it shines the light on the why’s and how’s of infidelity. For instance, Neuman challenges the stereotype that men aren’t emotional. “Men are very emotional beings,” he says. “They just express it differently.” Husbands want to feel like they’re pleasing their wives. If they get the message that they’re messing up, they feel insecure – and more likely to stray. Finding out why your spouse cheated isn’t about guilt trips or regret; it’s about uncovering and solving problems.
5. Forge and maintain a healthy spiritual connection with your spouse. Having a Christian marriage isn’t just about praying about your problems or even going to church together! Many so-called Christian marriage limp forward and fall prey to all sorts of problems – including extramarital affairs. Instead of trying to build a “Christian marriage”, focus on building (or rebuilding) a spiritual connection with your partner. How? It depends on your religious or spiritual beliefs, lifestyle, and even where you live – and it takes a conscious effort. Attending a few sessions of marriage counseling with your pastor or a Christian counselor may be a good way to start connecting spiritually with your spouse.
“We’ve worked with hundreds of couples whose marriages have been scarred by an affair,” write Gary J. and Carrie Oliver in Marriage Partnership (Fall 2001). “The bad news is that it hurts. The good news is that God is still in the business of saving souls and healing broken hearts. You and your husband can still experience a Godly marriage. With patience and prayer you can discover that rebuilding a marriage is an opportunity to go deeper – to find out what hasn’t worked and do things differently.”
If you have any questions or thoughts on surviving an affair in a Christian marriage, I welcome your comments below…
Forgiveness is the best Key to save your marriage. There is no peace in reflecting the pain of old wounds but there is peace in forgiveness and repentance.
Dear Mark,
I’m sorry to hear about your marriage problems, but glad to know that you’re both aware of what seems to be causing them! I’m also glad that your faith has made a difference in your marriage.
While I can’t tell you if you should contact your Pastor because I don’t know all the details, I do encourage you to listen to your instincts. If you’ve been told not to contact them, and there’s the possibility of a restraining order, then I think you should be careful about what you do.
I also encourage you to seek objective, in-person counseling. It sounds like your wife needs someone to talk to — and so do you! You and she might benefit from sitting down and talking to a counselor – Christian or not – and figuring out the root of your marriage troubles. And, focus on the best way to communicate and build a strong, healthy, more spiritual marriage. Talking to other people about your marriage without talking to each other may not be the best way to reconnect with each other.
Can you contact a different Pastor, or a Christian counselor, for couples counseling? Try that — and let me know how it goes.
Blessings,
Laurie
Please give me your opinion regarding contacting Pastor? I’m not to contact them any more and I feel my wife and he are back at it again. I don’t want to have a restraining order against me..
Im curious of your opionion regarding my wife and my neighbor. You see for years my wife and myself have had problems,some bigger then others. However the majority developed from a jelisosyon her part and an inconsideration on my part. We have been battling with breaking up for a few years only finding hope in Jesus was stopping us or atleast slowing us down. My wife accused me constintly lade after girl after sister at church it was so agreevating. I just wanted it to stop. I could feel that some day if things weren’t handeled correctly she would probably hold a grudge. This was based on my perseption of her never beliveing me and never forgiving me for any small fault I may have had which was not infidelity for sure. She has since started confiding in our Christian nieghbor and for 3 months phone call after phone call nethier myself or his wife had knowledge of this. I recently notified his wife regarding this 3 month ordeal after being off work for 2 more months. I noticed a start up of communication on phone bill after a break and decided to notife his wife. Now I want to take it to their Pastor, based on lack of understanding. What to do?????
my husband of 3 years had an emotional affair that lead the third party to kiss (tap) him. i saw on my online phone bill the numerous text messages that would start from early morning until almost 5 am the next morning. he says it was nothing sexual, just someone to talk to and to spark something new in our marriage because the routine was getting to him. he feels that a negative action will lead to a positive aftermath. saddly my husband has lost hope in positive things. this broke my heart since i just found the truth out 2 nights ago. it was easy to forgive him because i love him and i decided to start a new. our pastor is going to give us couples counceling and i feel pretty optimistic, but at times i have to constantly repeat to myself that i love my husband and i started fresh. i just feel so stupid for being so forgiving, but i know God is prud of me. I just want the hurt to go away and for my husband to forgive himself. i feel like after all this emptional distress, it is unfair that i have to put in most of the work to “fix” things. im so sad because in the past relationships i have had, ive always been cheated on. i never expected this from my husband. i feel let down and i am not sure why this happened when he frankly told me that i was doing everything right.
Hello S,
Thanks for your thoughts on cheating in a Christian marriage. To be sure, keeping your vows in the first place is better than having to save your marriage! An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But, sometimes people get off track…and we’re left to deal with the consequences.
I’m reading a book right now about Abandoned Wife Syndrome. The book is called Runaway Husbands, and it’s written by a family therapist whose husband left her. She didn’t even know they had marriage problems, much less that he was cheating! It was shocking for her, that her marriage ended. He didn’t want to save it. He wanted to be with his girlfriend.
That scares me…can you imagine thinking you were happy, and your spouse is lying and cheating on you? Man.
Let me say that wanting to work things out and saving the marriage is really best for all involved especially if you have children.
However, Jesus does allow divorce for adultery. Why would He allow that? Because the very act of adultery destroys the very meaning of marriage. It is a breaking of the vows ‘only unto thee’ and ‘to death do you part’. This flies directly in the face of the ‘stay together after adultery’ gospel that many Christians teach. And most of the tasks in the teaching is left to the victim in the relationship to rectify.
For instance:
- forgiveness every day/hour, positive thinking.
-learn why they cheated so you don’t give them reason to do it again
-maintain a healthy spiritual relationship together when all you think about every time you open the Bible or devotional book you’re reminded in some way about the affair.
-rebuilding the marriage requires more work for the victim than the other.
Honestly, I am sick to death of hearing about how I need to save my marriage. How about just keeping your Vows that you made before God and man to begin with, shouldn’t that be enough?
[...] the pain of old wounds but there is peace in forgiveness and repentance. andrew says: … christian marital counseling – Google Blog Search This entry was posted in Christian Marital Counseling and tagged Affair, Cheating, Christian, [...]
I appreciate your comments — thanks for taking the time!
Yes, I’d be happy to write a few articles on how to maintain or keep a spiritual marriage….it’s one of my favorite topics
Pride can sends us in circles, pride can swallow the entire whole of our being. It will sure put an end to a happy married life. thanks for writing this. your posts are great, been checking them out for quite sometime now.
Thank you for your teaching on how to survive the marriage. That is good because it will bring hope to the hopeless but I will appreciate it if you can teach more on how to maintain or keep the relationship.
Hi Ed,
I agree that open communication and trust are the cornerstones of surviving an affair in any marriage — Christian or not.
It sounds like you and your partner need to figure out how much you should be able to access her email and phone. I don’t know the answer to that — I don’t think there is a set answer for everyone! I encourage you to talk to a marriage counselor (perhaps a Christian one, if you’re rebuilding your marriage on the rock of Jesus), and decide together what is and isn’t reasonable. An objective, impartial, professional third party will be able to help you know what you can expect — and will help guide you through the process of healing.
I wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
What’s your View when a cheating spouse are limiting you access to her emails, cell phone and home phone? Then when u share your needs and feelings you are now being accused of manipulate and controlling. How can u move foward and forgive in this situation? I mean I try but it only makes me wonder why the accounts are being hidden. Still regardless of the reason, everything should be open if u really want to restore the marrAige and trust again.
Dear Andrew,
I’m very sorry to hear that your wife had an affair. It’s a devastating, heartbreaking betrayal — perhaps there’s no worse betrayal in marriage.
But, take hope: couples can and do move on after an affair! It takes time and effort, but you can forgive and rebuild your marriage.
I encourage you and your wife to talk to a counselor. It’d be great to find a Christian marriage counselor, but a non-Christian would be good too. Really, the counselor’s faith matters less than his or her professional, objective, supportive viewpoint.
Your wife needs to forgive herself, and you need to forgive her and learn to trust her again. Only then can you reconnect and rebuild. Maybe you’d both benefit from an individual session or two with a counselor. I just read in the paper today that it can take as little as two counseling sessions for people to start healing and growing in healthy ways!
One of my friends’ husband cheated on her nine years ago; they were both Christians, and they decided to stay together and rebuild their marriage. It was a long road — I think she said it took her three years to really get over it — but they have a happy and healthy marriage today. They went marriage counseling.
I wish you all the best as you put your marriage back together.
Blessings,
Laurie
I just found out the other night my wife had cheated on me. I am completely devistated and hurt to the very core of my heart. I am afraid to touch her, afraid to trust her. That being said I cant help but forgive her because I love her so so much. Where should I go from here if she feels like she cant forgive herself, how can I be a help to her in forgiving herself?
Forgiveness is the best Key to save your marriage. There is no peace in reflecting the pain of old wounds but there is peace in forgiveness and repentance.