Do you have questions about spirituality, psychology, balanced living, or other topics? Please ask us here…
Questions About Psychology, Relationships, Spirituality
Laurie’s areas of expertise are psychology, relationships, finding balance, and striving to achieve your goals. Her degrees are in Psychology and Education from the University of Alberta, in Edmonton. To learn more about her, go to About Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen.
Questions About Transformation, Spirituality, Energy Healing
Gini’s areas of expertise are transformation, spiritual growth and energy awareness as topics on their own and as they relate to everyday life – love & relationships, stress & balance, creating & manifesting. She has a degree in Psychology and certificates in Wellness Counselling & Body/Mind Consiousness, Energy Healing and Energy Reading. To learn more about her, go to About Gini Grey.
Direct your questions to either or both of us in the comment section below, and we’ll try to answer within two days (your email address won’t be visible to others – only a website will if you enter one - so if you want to remain anonymous just use your first name or a made-up name).
Hi to both of you, Gini and Laurie!
My question is: In 2006 my friend and I had a falling out(it was over a guy) she eventully married him. For awhile I tried to salvage our friendship by going to see her and try talking to her but it was unsuccessful everytime. She was just very angry. So I gave up. I think of her often and what I was wondering..should I just leave it as it is or leave it up to the universe to take care of it. I do not hate her, I still love her as a friend. I just feel if I try and go see her again, she won’t want to talk with me. Any advice would be great. Thank’s.Roberta
Hello Roberta,
Thanks for sharing your story and asking for some input. I’m sure many others have experienced this same situation – it’s painful to lose a friend over a man (or woman), but it happens.
The fact that you are still thinking about her and care about her means you still have unfinished business. It may be about mending the relationship or it may be about finding closure for yourself. There are a few things I would suggest before trying practical approaches – these are:
1) Give yourself undisturbed time to turn inward and connect deeply with yourself as spirit. From this place, be as honest as you can about any aspect of the relationship you haven’t owned (i.e. anything you might have done to contribute to the rift, even if it was your friend who acted inappropriately). Until we own our part in the fallout, it is difficult to let it go, forive, and move forward.
2) Make sure you have fully forgiven your friend and yourself for anything to do with the situation. Forgiveness is a felt vibration that allows the release of all resentments and judgments towards self and others (read this article I wrote on Forgiveness to help you tune into the vibration)
3) With eyes closed and centered within your spiritual self, imagine your friend standing a few feet away from you. Give her a spirit to spirit hello. Tell her what you need to say. Listen for a soul response from her.
4) Ask the God of your heart or guardian angels (or whatever spiritual support you like to connect to) to guide you in healing, repairing or releasing this relationship (which ever is best for you both). Then notice over the next few days what insights come to you – it may be an inspiration, a song, something you read etc. that will guide you to your next step.
Then for practical approaches, the only thing that comes to my mind is to write her a letter, explaining how you feel (connect to your heart when you write the letter). But Laurie may have some more practical tips (she’s away right now but will respond as soon as she can).
I’ll send positive thoughts to you and your friend,
Gini
Roberta,
Thanks for being the first to ask a question — it’s great to hear from you! But, I am sorry to hear about your friend.
I too had a falling out with a friend over a guy who married that friend! Ironically, she was attracted to him because he was such a good friend to me — she saw how generous, kind, and considerate he was. Then she became envious of our friendship, and couldn’t handle a connection with me.
It took me a long time to realize how deeply she was affected by my friendship with her husband (who I knew first!). I’m very sad that I’m not friends with them anymore — I was only friends with them as a couple for a very short time. I knew them much better as individuals.
I don’t know what went down with your falling out with your friend and this guy, but I encourage you to think “outside the box.” That is, her reluctance to pick up your friendship may be for reasons that you can’t quite fathom. Your friend’s husband may have said something about you, or may be influencing her in ways you don’t know (not necessarily deliberately or maliciously). She may just not want to be reminded of the past, or your connection with her husband.
I suggest sending her a card every year or so. Remind her that you still love her and would like to heal your friendship. I wouldn’t encourage you to try to talk to her, because you’ve tried that and it didn’t work. Just show her that your door is open, and she’s always welcome in your life.
I am sorry you lost her as a friend. I know how much it hurts.
By the way, Gini and I wrote a joint article about friendship…check it out, and let us know if it helps!
How to Mend a Broken Friendship
Blessings,
Laurie
I have a friend that is very supportive, loving, and great fun. We take on the world in big and small ways all the time. We have very bravely shared huge pieces of ourselves with each other and really walk beside each other in huge ways. There is just one issue that keeps coming up. I keep her in the loop of what is new with me and how the kids are and life in general. She prefers to ask about me and says little about what else she has going that is outside of what we share. For example, she doesn’t tell me she’s planned a trip to visit her mom. This hurts me and I can’t get past it. Am I wrong to feel that there is something to her keeping these things “secret”. It feels unbalanced to me and I feel very small if I bring it up.
Hi Jenn,
Thanks for sharing your friendship conerns with us. I totally understand why you would feel hurt that your close friend doesn’t share certain parts of her life with you – I think that’s natural to feel that way. I have a few suggestions to help you either move past it or to communicate your feelings to your friend.
1) You have an amazing friendship and when you focus on the good stuff I bet you feel great, yet when you focus on the parts that bother you, you feel hurt. So one option is stay focused on the wonderful parts and let the rest go. I know that’s not easy, so here’s more suggestions.
2) Look at the situation from your friends point of view. If you were her, with her upbringing, beliefs, attitude, fears, quirks and idiosyncracies – why might you not share everything in your life? Could it be that keeping part of her life helps her to feel safe somehow? Might she be concerned that she’d be boring you with these aspects? Or could it be that she just doesn’t think of these things when the two of you connect (my husband forgets to tell me things that I feel are important and it’s not that he is trying to hide things from me, he can be an absent-minded-professor type person who gets busy and distracted and just simply forgets.).
3) Process your hurt feelings by journaling them – get it all out – your sadness, anger, confusion, and any underlying fears – you might be surprised to see what surfaces and heals as a result of acknowledging your feelings.
4) Write a letter to your friend (that you don’t actually send her) as a way to fully express your feelings and concerns. After you’ve done this, you might not feel the need to talk to her about it, but if you do, try the following suggestions.
5) Tell her how you feel – even that you feel small telling her – honesty brings more closeness between people. Just remember to own your feelings and not blame her for them. Tell her how you value your friendship but feel hurt when she doesn’t include you in all the details and ask her if there is any reason in particular she avoids telling you.
6) Try some of the exercises in other articles on our site – such as “Communicate From the Heart and Soul” or “Spiritual Purpose of Relationships”. In some of these articles I have included an exercise for communicating on a spirit to spirit level with others – this will allow you to share your thoughts and feelings without having to actually speak in person to her – it also will help you to intuitively touch into what is going on with her.
I wish you all the best in resolving your feelings and deepening your friendship.
Gini
It would be helpful for those of us new to your site if you had a master list of the titles of your articles so we could easily scroll through that list to choose which article we want to read at the moment. Thank you for your good words and work. Dawn
Hi Laurie and Gini,
I read many of your articles and I think they are wonderful.
I would like to receive some help and advice from you.
I am a very independent woman, I have always followed my instincts and what my heart tells me. I’ve never been afraid to face reality and consequences of my actions. But I’m at a critical moment in my life. I decided to go live with my boyfriend, we have been together almost 4 years now, we moved out of the city where I am from and we have been living together for one and a half year. He is the perfect man, respectful, loving, hardworking and he has very clear and well planned his vision for the future (house, family, etc.) I love him very much but do not know if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And more because there is another person who has shaken me, made me feel things I thought I no longer feel. I tried to tell my boyfriend how I feel and decided to give the relationship another chance but I still have many doubts. Although should not care what others say, no one would forgive me if I leave him and just the idea of hurting him makes me feel horrible. I would like some advice in order to find the right choice…
Hello Marie,
This does sound like a critical choice point in your life. You mentioned that your boyfriend is perfect and that you love him very much so I am wondering what your “many doubts” are about. Did you have doubts before you met this other person who has made you feel things you thought you no longer felt?
I ask this because I know what it’s like to be attracted to someone new. Our body and brain actually release chemicals that make us feel ‘high’ when we are attracted to someone knew. But as with all drugs, it wears off over time (hence, why the honeymoon stage passes). It feels lovely to touch into passionate feelings, but they are often just a bodily response.
I’ve also discovered that sometimes people are strongly attracted to another because the other triggers feelings in them that they need to develop in themselves. For example, I was once very attracted to a man who was sweet and gentle. Once I touched into and brought out my own qualities of sweetness and gentleness my attraction diminished. What is it about this other person that attracts you and what feelings are triggered? Are they just body chemistry that will fade or are they aspects of yourself you need to own, or are they a signal that this person is a great match for you?
You’ve always followed your instincts and heart, so what does your heart and soul tell you now? I encourage you to try the exercises in the article, Make Decisions Cleary by Connecting with Your Heart and Soul to help you gain clarity. I also encourage you to connect with your boyfriend on a soul level (during a meditation or visualization session) to see how you feel. I know there are times when I feel doubt about my marriage but when I connect with my husband on a soul level I touch into a deep affinity for him and know that we are a perfect match for our soul lessons. There is an exercise for doing this in the article, Discover Your Soul Contracts and Spiritual Agreements in Close Relationships.
Another suggestion is to imagine yourself far off in the future with your boyfriend and notice what it triggers within you. Then imagine not being with him in the future and notice what that triggers.
Deep within you have all of your answers and you know the best path to take – trust yourself and your higher wisdom.
Take care,
Gini
Hello,
I stumbled upon your website the long way around. I’m not sure if this is the right way to ask a question but here goes. I live in Adelaide South Australia. It’s winter here at the moment.
I’ve been on the spiritual path for a while now, but I’m not sure if I’m on the right path or not. I feel like the universe is calling to me, but I’m not sure what it’s trying to tell me. Sometimes I feel like I’m walking around with my head in the clouds. scour the internet endlessley looking for direction.
Can you point me in the right direction? I’m very interested in soul contracts, past lives, spirit guides, angels, crystals and I’m going to be Reiki level 1 in about a week’s time. I’m just not sure what I want to do really.
I hope this is the right way to ask my questions.
kind regards
from Australia
Hello Susan,
Congratulations on embarking on a conscious spiritual journey. I have been on a deep spiritual path for over 10 years now and life just keeps getting better and better as a result.
I know what it feels like to have that sense of “walking around with my head in the clouds.” There is a transition space between operating in the world from a mind/body perspective (which can be very serious, hard working, dualistic – right/wrong, good/bad, seeking pleasure avoiding pain etc.) and operating from a spiritual perspective (ease, lightness, amusement, seeing the bigger picture, transcending dualities, living life spiritually senior instead of mind/body senior, handling difficulties and strong emotions with more ease and flow etc.). Perhaps you are in this transition space right now.
One thing I was taught from my spiritual teachers is that we each have our own information. If we open our 7th chakra too wide in search of answers outside ourself, it will attract a lot of info into our head (some useful, but much not) and this will create a spacey feeling.
My suggestion to you is to focus on your grounding and centering (visit Insights and Inspiration for my articles on being centered and grounded and creating healthy energy boundaries) and trusting your own information as you read, search and take energy healing classes.
Another recommendation is to meditate regularly as this will support you to connect to your spiritual self and spiritual truth. For me, one of the purposes of being on a spiritual path is to recognize how powerful I am as a spiritual being and how I create everything in my life (or attract it, react to it etc.).
As you center within your spiritual truth, you will be naturally drawn to the appropriate teachers and teachings. Trust your own intuition on what feels appropriate, and know that you can always choose again if something doesn’t feel right. There is no rush, as once you are on a conscious spiritual path, you can’t help but take your next best step. Trusting yourself is the most important (above trusting others information) thing you can do. Check within your body, heart and soul for alignment as you make decisions. You might find the article Make Decisions Cleary by Connecting with Your Heart and Soulhelpful for that.
Take care,
Gini
Hello,
Great article piece by the way! Love it.
My concern is of a great love/friend of 10 yrs that became a toxic relationship. It was a friend that I adored & fell in love with. Everyday we chatted,texted and not one day went on without a word from each other- Not one day in 10years.
Well, one fateful day in Jan 2010, I received a call from his “girlfriend of 18yrs”. She told me their love story as I told her mine. I was not the only one as I perceived.
She & I were amongst 3 others. It was a TIGER WOODS situation. He had the audacity to call me back and ask me why I devulged info to this woman who called. I was so furious that I cursed and told to to forget he knew me and to leave me the heck alone.
I know down deep in my heart I should be happy he is gone. But my heart is broken & I do miss him so.
My question to you is did I do the right thing by moving on? Am I still being a fool to think this man misses me?
Heartbroken Sadie
Hello Sadie,
It can be very sad to discover your love for another is not exclusive. You mention that you chatted and texted each other daily so I am wondering if you had an in-person relationship or a distant one. If it is a distant one, and you have recieved a wonderful expression of love, does it matter if this person is sharing that with others as long as you receive what you need? In this case it would be similar to having several close friends.
But if you both agreed to a monogamous relationship and he has betrayed this, then it may be best to move on. I think it’s important to ask yourself what you really want from this relationship. Love may not be the issue here – honesty and trust may be the issue. He most likely does miss you, but in your heart and soul you know if the love you shared was real or not.
If you want an exclusive relationship, he may not be able to offer you that so it may be time to move on. Once you are ready for a new relationship, I’m sure you will attract one into your life.
All the best,
Gini
Thanks for your comment Gini.
Our relationship was IN PERSON. We just happened to text alot because we were always working so much and constantly reminded each other of the love that was missed. Knowing now that our relationship wasn’t exclusive is hard to swallow. But, my love for him is so deep, that if he were to have told me and been honest, we could have saved our friendship. Its just hard to think about sometimes. I’ll manage and pull through as I have before.
As a great Author quoted,
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
Hello Sadie,
That makes a difference that your relationship was in-person and that you also texted each other frequently sharing your love. It must have been a shocking discovery, yet an important one as well. I can understand that you would miss him and the love you shared.
I’ve written a few articles about touching into the vibration of love as a way to fill with it and lesson the pain of heartbreak. One is on my Insights & Inspiration site called Self-Love and the other is on my Love Bug site called Heal a Broken Heart with Self Love. I hope these can offer some support during your transition.
Thanks for the Elizabeth Gilbert quote – it’s so true, my past partner brought me to my knees and my present husband provides ongoing opportunities for my personal and spiritual growth!
Take care,
Gini
Hi,
I decided to dedicate myself to a life of celibacy in April of this year. I made this choice after being single for a while and realising that I am much happier this way, especially since every relationship I have been involved in has been quite traumatic, and took so long to heal from. I figure that if I am happier single why change that? And as I can’t have casual sex without my feelings becoming involved, I have willingly resigned myself to a life without sex, and have decided to dedicate my life and will to God, who brings me such love and peace.
But I find myself developing ‘crushes’, and I hate the feeling as I know nothing will come of it, and I’m wondering if you might have some spiritual tips on staying single and not being tempted into a relationship, besides praying of course, which I do alot of, but as there is no information out there I’m hoping you can help?
Thanks, Jasmin
Hi Jasmin,
A couple of things come to mind for me regarding how you can handle the feeling of having a crush on someone, given that you don’t want to get involved with them. (But keep in mind that relationships are a great way to push our buttons so we can see our ‘stuff’ come up and heal and release it).
One is to ‘be’ with the feeling and not try to repress it or cover it up. What we resist persists and what we accept, releases. Feel the energy in the feeling and observe it. This will help you to be ‘bigger’ than the feelings.
Another is to explore what the feeling of having a crush respresents. Is it a longing for connection, love, romance, sexual expression. With all of these, you can fulfill them within yourself. For example you can have a tender connection with a friend without it becoming romantic or sexual. You can fill with the spiritual essence of love and let it flow down to every cell in your body. I also recommend allowing your sexual energy to flow. This doesn’t have to be through self-pleasure (but could include this), but each of us has a vibration of sexual energy that is connected to our life force. When we allow this to flow (and it doesn’t mean it will make you long for sex as it’s a life force energy of passion) we actually feel less driven by sexual urges.
You might also try having amusement at yourself for having a crush on others and know that it is just a temporary attraction. When we are attracted to someone it sets off a release of chemicals and hormones which make us literally feel ‘high’ which is why so many long for romantic interludes. Knowing this may help you to enjoy it, but not get attached to it.
I hope these suggestions help,
Gini
Hi Jasmin,
There’s not much I can add to Gini’s tips!
But, one thing that sprung to my mind is that it’s totally normal to be attracted to other people — whether you’re dedicated to being single or happily married. Those little crushes are part of being human. Maybe they’re a result of our spirit connecting with the other person’s spirit. There’s a chemistry that happens when we meet certain people – a “soul to soul” thing. Maybe it’s a “crush”, or maybe it’s just a spiritual or physical interpersonal attraction that doesn’t need to be labeled and defined.
Nothing will come of your crushes…just like nothing comes of the chemistry I feel towards some people (I’m happily married). Crushes are just a feeling, and I kinda like the feeling. It makes me feel alive, warm, and happy — even though I know nothing will ever come of it. Liking certain people and even being attracted to them is just part of being alive, whether you’re dedicated to being single or not.
Psychologists say that “what we resist, persists” — which is similar to the law of attraction. The more we rail against something or fight it, the bigger it’ll get in our lives. So, similar to what Gini said, it may be more effective to flow with it instead of trying to resist it.
I wish you all the best in your chosen path!
Laurie
Hi again,
Thankyou both so much for your replies!
What you have both said is very true, and kind of what I was doing, but it’s great to have some validation, as like I said there doesn’r seem to be alot of info on how to stay single, it’s all about hooking up!
And I do get delicious hugs from my little grandsons and family and friends when I can, so I make sure I’m getting my quota of love and affection…and I must admit, I enjoy the beginning of a ‘crush’, it just gets annoying when I start to get those ‘yearning feelings’, because I know that I’m more than happy as I am, and have a wonderful fullfilling life, and they are kind of a distracting nuisance, but will alow them to be and just pass naturally, rather than having an internal struggle with them.
I’m taking your tips on board, much appreciated, thanks again!
Jasmin
Hi, I just made a bad move. I emailed my bestfriend of 20 years, telling her that she does not deserve to be an issue in my life and that she is a liar. And i befriended her in facebook and all her family. Now, I regret it a lot and missing her and wanting to get back our friendship. I emailed her once again, to ask for forgiveness but she did not reply and we don’t have communicaion anymore.
Is it possible that our friendship be mended again? How?
Everybody in her family hates me now and even our common friends.
Please help me.
Thanks
Hello Fanny,
That’s one of the downsides of email – we can so quickly send off a reactive comment that we regret moments later!
I don’t know how much time has passed since you emailed your friend the the first message, but sometimes it takes time for hurts to heal. Given that you have a 20 year history means you have a good foundation to your friendship so it may just be a matter of time before she forgives you.
Another thing that comes to mind though, is around whether there is truth to what you said in your email to her (about her being an issue and a liar). If there isn’t, she would naturally be hurt and confused and you would need to explain why you said what you said. But if there is truth to it, she may be avoiding you because she doesn’t want to look at the truth within herself yet.
Laurie and I co-wrote an article about how to mend a friendship – if you haven’t read it yet, give it a read to see if it offers any help:
~ How to Mend a Broken Friendship
Another suggestion I have is for you to surrender your relationship to the God of your heart and ask for help in healing the friendship. Then let it go and watch for intuitive ideas on what to do next.
Take care,
Gini