Accepting a relationship breakup with love and ease may seem challenging at first. Relationship endings are painful, even for those who want them, but especially for those who don’t. Feelings of loss, thoughts of regret, and fear of change can override the lessons, growth and opportunities waiting to be experienced. Bringing ease and love to the situation makes the transition more bearable.
The first step in moving beyond any painful situation is acceptance. A reader recently commented on this after reading the article, How to Stay Positive During Difficult Situations. “I’m currently going through a breakup from a man I’ve been with for 4 years. When I read and re-read the ‘practice acceptance’ part and not resisting the situation, I literally felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders.”
This comment inspired Laurie Kienlen and me to write a joint article offering additional tips for accepting a relationship breakup. Below, we’ve come up with six ways to bring love and ease into your life while going through this painful process. And for even more help, you might benefit from reading the book, Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You.
6 Ways to Accept a Relationship Breakup with Love and Ease
1. Stay in the present. Ruminating over the past, wondering if things might be different if . . ., only makes it more difficult to let go of the relationship. So does fretting about what the future will be like without your partner. Focus on your current feelings and allow them to process. Learn from the past by applying important lessons into your life today. Pay attention to the positive aspects surrounding you in the present moment. Enjoy as much of your day as you can and soon the pain will be long gone.
2. Meet your underlying needs. Relationships fill needs for companionship, connection, security and so on. Find healthy ways to nurture the needs that were being met in your relationship. The need to give and receive love is an important one shared between two people. When a love relationship ends, it doesn’t mean the source of love is gone; it resides within each person. Take time each day to focus on what you love in life and then let that loving energy flow throughout your whole body as a way to heal yourself.
3. Forgive yourself and your partner. Forgiveness supports healing by removing judgments and blame. With forgiveness you let go of the past, release pain, and move forward with ease and love. Know that you both did the best you could given your background, beliefs and circumstances. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, and with forgiveness we can heal and grow.
4. Start something new in your life. To accept a relationship breakup, embark on a new adventure in your social, professional, personal, or spiritual life! Volunteer, start a blog, take a solo vacation, join a new gym, take a night class, join a support group, check out a new social club, quit your job, find ways to take healthy risks every day. Branching out in new directions after your break up with someone you love will make you stronger, healthier, and happier.
5. Remember both the good and the bad parts of the relationship. After a breakup it can be tempting to focus on the great parts of your relationship and your ex’s personality. But, don’t forget the flaws! Remembering both what you loved and what you didn’t love will help you accept your breakup with love and ease. Be objective and balanced when you remember of your relationship.
6. Give yourself – and your ex – space to heal and breathe. Take a step back from your relationship (which may be the opposite of your instinct to move closer!). Reclaim your personal identity as a person. Figure out who you are apart from your marriage, relationship, family, and career. Give yourself (and himor her) room to breathe, and to blossom into who you’re meant to be.
Do you have any questions or insights about accepting a relationship breakup with love and ease? Please comment below.
The hard work you are going through Augustina will strengthen you and it will get easier. I’m so glad to hear my articles on my Insights & Inspiration sight have been helpful. With leaving comments, for the first time, it just has to be moderated by me. So please go ahead and fill in the name/email area and leave a comment (I love getting comments and making connections with readers) and then I will get an email and will say ‘yes’ to the comment being posted (it prevents spam comments or irrelevent comments from being posted).
Thanks,
Gini
.-= Gini Grey´s last blog post: Life =-.
Thank you , Gini. I’m trying. But this is hard work and it’s definitely a roller coaster ride. I’m so looking forward to the day when i can say, “wow, i feel okay today”.
btw, i’ve read several of your articles and love the “Being in a State of Non Resistance”. I read it several times during the day to reinforce my journey. I wanted to write a comment there but was blocked. Just wondered if and how i would be able to comment on your other articles.
oh, and i have been reading the book you mentioned in this article, “Getting Past Your Break Up”. It’s been very helpful as well.
Thank-you for all your work!!
Augustina
Hello Augustina,
I think what you are doing sounds great. Telling your mind that it’s okay to accept the truth and thanking it for being helpful is a wonderful way to be bigger than your thoughts, and reasure your mind and body at the same time.
And allowing yourself to cry is so healing. The body is like a child that needs reasurance, soothing, and needs to express feelings. The mind will jump in with thinking as a way to soothe, but as we know, it doesn’t help in the long run. So by you (meaning your bigger, spiritual self) using your thoughts in a supportive way and allowing your body to express what it is feeling, is a very loving thing to do for yourself.
With forgiveness, while I believe it is one of the most healing things we can do for ourself, I do think it needs to come after we’ve processed the other feelings. The anger you feel is real and will pass as you express it and come to terms with the choice your partner has made (and over time, you will most likely see that it is in your best interest too – once you have moved on and are creating an even more fulfilling life without him).
I think you are in such a wonderful, conscious place regarding your breakup and your process – you know exactly what to do – keep trusting your intution. I know it is a painful process, but you are healing one day at a time. When you are ready for forgiveness, here is an article I wrotle a few years ago that might help ~ Forgiveness.
After our dog passed a few months ago, my husband said, “That which I allow to break my heart open makes me more capable of loving.” And it’s true – if we don’t shy away from the heartache, we grow from it and become more loving.
All the best,
Gini
.-= Gini Grey´s last blog post: Life =-.
Gini,
thank you for your reply and your encouragement. I think there may be some truth when you said that perhaps my ruminations may be my mind’s way of denying what has really happened. I wonder if this is a protective mechanism of the mind? i’m also wondering if maybe, when i start to ruminate, i can gently tell my mind/thoughts, ‘it’s okay, i can accept the truth but thank-you for trying to be helpful’. I know, sounds a little weird, but at this point, i’ll try anything.
Also, i am trying to tap in more into what feelings i’m trying to avoid and not confront when i ruminate. So, today i wrote down, “To stay in the present, grieve the loss of your relationship”. And i did cry and acknowledge how much i miss him.
As far as forgiveness goes, do you encourage this to be done “right away”, or when we are “ready” to forgive. I still feel anger towards my ex for leaving, though i’m also working on acceptance of the choice he made.
This is an ongoing process for me and i’m sure for many others, and i’m grateful for your articles and for your support.
Blessings to you,
Augustina
Hello Augustina,
Letting go is a process and the fact that you are intending to let go of your ex means you are in the process so honor this in yourself. It’s only been 8 weeks which isn’t very long. The end of your relationship is a death to the bond you two shared, so it is natural that you will need to grieve for a while.
Part of the grieving process means cycling through the common states of denial, anger, depression and eventually acceptance. I wonder if ruminating over the “what ifs” is a part of denying that the relationship is really over. The mind might want to trick itself into believing that if it finds the missing key from the past it can recreate the relationship. Know that this is just a mind trick and see it for what it is.
Sometimes it helps to identify what it is about the relationship that you miss exactly. For some, it is simply the routines that the body or mind clings to. For others it might be a quality like ‘attention’, ‘sweetness’, or ‘humor’ that their partner offered. As you recognize what it is you are missing and find ways to give these aspects to yourself (through friends, family or simply being in the states of what you miss such as feeling the vibration of love or amusement within you)you will be able to let go of the past easier.
One way to stay in the present when you begin to ruminate over what ifs, is to focus on the emotions coming up for you. Sometimes the mind likes to distract from feelings by ‘thinking’ about the past or what could have been. Instead of resisting the state you are in (as what we resist persists), try to sooth the hurt parts of yourself by being with what is. Feel the sadness, loss, or fear, knowing that you are bigger than those feelings (go to my Insights & Inspiration site ~ http://www.ginigrey.com/wp for articles on centering, grounding, letting go etc. with how-to-tips on connecting to your spiritual center).
Remember, Augustina, as a spiritual being, you are so much bigger than this loss you are experiencing. Stay connected to your biggness and inner source of love (meditation and prayer are very helpful for this).
Take care,
Gini
.-= Gini Grey´s last blog post: Life =-.
Hi Gini, Augustina here again–i don’t think my first response to you made it through, at least i do not see it.
I was writing to say that i’m still ruminating about the past and i’d really like to release that as i know it keeps me stuck. does this just take practice? i think when the “what ifs” come into my head, it’s very easy to spiral downward rather than moving forward.
Thankyou for your article.
Oh, I did also want to add that accepting my ex’s decision to leave the relationship is something i am working on right now. And also accepting him for what he was, including his limitations. I think the forgivenes will come afterwards, at least for me. But i do see how forgiving someone will help me let go of the past. Also, is letting go a process? it’s not something that just happens overnight, right?
Thanks.
Sorry, my name’s Augustina, not Augustin!
Gini,
I guess i’m still “stuck” in ruminating about the past, and the “what if’s”. It’s this struggle that i fight with daily right now. It’s been 8 weeks since the breakup and i seriously want to move on. There are some moments when i can totally live in the present and accept what is going on right NOW, but then, i can get hung up on the past too. Tell me that this will get better with time. Thank you again for your article.