Why do Women (and Men!) Gossip? – Barbara Walters
Gossip affects our health, relationships, and careers — for better and for worse. Why do men and women gossip? Partly because it’s good for us! Science and evolution shows that gossip can improve our health and survival rates.
Here’s what the successful Barbara Walters says about gossip:
“Show me someone who never gossips, and I’ll show you someone who isn’t interested in people.”
And another zippy quip about gossip:
“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.” ~ Alice Roosevelt Longworth.
Let’s face it: there’s something delicious about gossip. It feels good – and there are scientific reasons why we love to (need to) gossip. If you’re a woman who gossips, cut yourself a little slack. You’re human. If you want to learn to gossip less, click Overcoming Gossips by David Kamara. And here are a few reasons men and women gossip — plus how gossip can actually improve your health and life…
Why do Women (and Men!) Gossip?
Men and women are genetically programmed to gossip, and celebrity gossip is particularly appealing. Over 60 million American women buy celebrity magazines every week, and 90% of Hollywood gossip enthusiasts are women. Evolutionary psychologist Dr Charlotte De Backer says that we’re genetically programmed to gossip. Gossip lights up our brain cells in positive ways, literally making us feel good.
“It is widely known for humans that chocolate stimulates the release of endorphins, and therefore eating chocolate stimulates feelings of happiness,” says Dr De Backer. “Gossip is [also] an instant stimulator of endorphins.” Talking about other people releases those feel-good hormones, which is why gossip feels so damn good. Gossip also plays a role in developing human intelligence and furthering social lives.
Celebrity gossip makes men and women feel good. Our lives are stressful and busy – and maybe a little boring sometimes! Knowing that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt disagree about whether or not to spank Zahara gives us a rush. And, gossiping is healthier than binging on cookies and ice cream, drinking a bottle of wine, or shopping for another pair of shoes.
Celebrity gossip is safer than office gossip because we can spread rumors, give our opinions, and spend hours speculating about the lives of the rich and famous without ramification. Our words can’t come back to haunt us. (Note that men and women who overly indulge in office gossip can jeopardize their livelihoods and professional reputations. Gossips, be ware!).
The Relationship and Health Benefits of Gossiping
Gossip builds relationships. Telling secrets and talking intimately is not only fun, it builds stronger connections between women. Friendships often include spicy rumors and speculations about the people we know, which can be even more delicious than celebrity gossip because of the elements of danger and secrecy. But, a friendship can become toxic if it’s based on gossip.
Gossip makes friends of strangers. Researchers from the University of Oklahoma found that negative attitudes about others can promote friendships among strangers. Gossip or bonding against a “common enemy” establishes boundaries and builds self-esteem – and fans of sports teams are perfect examples of this! Gossip can be healthy because it pulls you together.
“We certainly do not deny that gossip behavior has it drawbacks,” say these researchers. “Still, if there is a positive side of gossip, we believe it is that shared, mild, negative attitudes toward others can create and/or amplify interpersonal intimacy.”
Gossip reveals the personalities of men and women. Listen to how your friends and coworkers gossip; you’ll learn more about them than the people they gossip about. Women who gossip reveal highly informative information about themselves. Remember: if someone gossips endlessly about others, she may also be gossiping about you.
Gossip helps women survive. In cavewomen times, gossiping about our friends, family and neighbors helped ensure our survival. If we kept up with the affairs of others, we’d have a better chance of living longer and healthier lives. It’s evolutionary fact: women who gossiped survived longer. And today, women who know what’s going on – who’s quitting a job, who’s selling a house, who’s leaving her husband – stand a better chance of finding new jobs, making better real estate deals, and befriending new bachelors.
What do you think – do you tend towards gossiping at work, and has it helped or hindered you?
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There are several aspects to look at the negativisms of Gossip. From a worldly aspect, it is morally wrong, and considered defamation of one’s character, in which in some cases the wrongful gossiper can be sued for such actions. From a Christian standpoint, not only is it morally wrong before God, He states in His word that is a complete, no no. I experienced gossip in the past which led me to writing the book “Stop The Gossiping”! From a Christian stand point, the Bible states in Psalms 41:6 “And if he come to see me, he speaketh vanity: his heart gathereth iniquity to itself; when he goeth abroad, he telleth it.”
It is not hard recognizing when you’re gossiping. To determine whether you are a participant in gossip, you may ask yourself these three questions:
1. If God was standing right next to me, would He approve of this conversation?
2. Is the person I am discussing, present, to defend themselves?
3. If the tables were turned, would I like this to be said about me or one of my loved ones?
If the answers above were each answered “yes,” then there have not been any errors of one’s character being destroyed.
Outside of asking if God would approve of the conversation, the most important is; is this conversation something we need to ask a person that we care about? And should it be asked in private? In no way should anyone be placed in a position to be embarrassed and made to feel that their private details true or false are the root of conversation, for entertainment and amusement for the group for that day, or any other day!
Individuals that gossip can be cured of their disease, very quickly! And this is by; placing the shoe from the foot of the person (s) they’re attacking with the rumors, and placing it directly on their own foot.
God is asking you to stop gossiping, will you do this for Him? He really loves you, and He really loves the person (s) in whom are being gossiped about.
http://www.stopthegossiping.com
Author: Mia Stubbs
I must take exception to your assertion that gossip in a small community can ruin lives. It can do the same in a large city. I know because malicious gossip ruined my life. People should consider the source. Gossip frequently tells you more about the gossiper than their target. For example, only a very insecure man needs to gossip about his sexual conquests. Also remember the old Spanish proverb: people who gossip to you will gossip about you.
Why do Women (and Men!) Gossip? – Barbara Walters – great post, I think this covers most of the questions that I had about stars gossips
I don’t think gossip is good, but I don’t think it’s something that will ever go away. People gossip at work, at church, at family gatherings, at the grocery store There’s even tv shows about gossip, like Gossip Girl.
When I try to stop my friends from dissing other people, they just laugh. I don’t think there’s a way to stop people from gossiping without making yourself look like a goody goody.
Hi Laurie, here’s the link for the article on choosing your words:
http://www.kenlauher.com/daily-wisdom/bid/23499/?t=633830933360300220#comment45408
The Webster’s definition of gossip is somewhat vague. I guess I’ve always thought of gossip as negative because usually when people are getting a ‘high’ from sharing rumours, it’s usually an embarassing thing like,”did you know Mary was caught in the bathroom naked with the bartender while her husband sat drunk at the bar!?!”
When rumours are positive, such as, “did you know Mary passed her bar exam so now she is a full fledged lawyer,” I see that as a validation, acknowledgement, referral etc. not gossip.
The bottom line for me around gossip is to answer these two questions:
1) Do I know this information is absolutely true (i.e. did I hear it from the source rather than second hand). We all know how quickly facts get distorted when passed from one person to another (ever play the telephone game as a kid where you pass a piece of info on to a person sitting beside you and they pass it on until it goes around the table and then you laugh histerically when you hear the final info as it is so different from when it started).
2) Am I positive this person is ok with me sharing this private info with others
The only other reason I might share something is to warn someone, but I would let them know if it was from my experience or purely rumour.
Would be interesting to hear from your other readers how they view gossip.
Gini, thanks for sending me the link to the website about how we should choose our words and how they affect us! It was fabulous; unforunately, I thought I bookmarked it, and now I can’t find it again. Could you post the link here?
You’re right: malicious gossip is negative energy that pollutes the world. It also pollutes our own hearts, minds, and souls!
You’re also right that I’m not the gossiping type. But, I thought the info surrounding the whole “is gossip good for you?” idea was fascinating — especially from an evolutionary perspective.
Also, gossip isn’t always negative or malicious……is it? Hmmm….let me look up the definition of gossip…..
According to Webster’s, gossip is “A rumor or report of a personal nature.”
This seems to vague to me. I mean, telling someone that someone else is pregnant is gossip — but it’s not necessarily a bad thing! Any time you talk about someone else, it’s gossip.
Maybe your intention is what determines whether gossip is “good or bad.” Which brings us back to your link about choosing what we say!
Thanks for your forthrightness and honesty, Gini
Laurie
I was happy to disagree with you on that post, Laurie, and felt comfortable to do it because a few posts back you invited me to disagree if I was moved too. It is so refreshing to be able to disagree without a charge or judment towards the other person. Although I did feel a little bit charged about thinking of gossip as being good as that just doesn’t resonate in any way with me.
I was surprised to see the title of your post as you don’t seem like a gossiping type to me so ‘why women gossip’ is more like it. Yet, I wish more women would see the down side of gossiping and not get caught in the unconscious high of it. Imagine that you are gossiping about someone to a group of friends, and then suddenly you notice the person being gossiped about is standing in ear shot – would you feel embarassed, guilty etc? Is that good for you. Then imagine being the person talked about (in a negative and perhaps untruthful way as most gossip is) and overhearing it? How aweful would that feel?
As I’m into energy and the effects of it (through words, emotions and even thoughts) I don’t want to personally contribute negative, polluting energy to the world through harmful words etc. I’d much rather contribute to uplfiting the energy on this planet and gossip just doesn’t fit into that way of life.
Thank you for disagreeing, Gini! One of my relationship goals is to be able to disagree with people — and hear their views that are opposite from mine — without it turning into anger, hurt, awkwardness, or a full-blown argument.
I’d love to be a fly on the wall in households that contain thoughtful, reasoned, passionate discussions and debates! Learning how to share and hear people’s opinions, especially when they’re in opposition to your own, is so important. I’m learning to welcome viewpoints that are different than mine — I want to be able to hear and accept another person’s perspective without becoming defensive or feeling criticized.
Anyway — regarding your opinion on how gossip affects us, I unfortunately have to agree with you.
Even though I’ve always tried to avoid gossiping and listening to others gossip, it hadn’t occurred to me that gossip could ruin your business! But if you live in a small community, I can see it happening.
I’ve always wondered why people gossip so much, and why it’s hard to stop listening when they do! Maybe I should’ve called this post “Why Women Gossip” instead of “Why Gossip is Good for You.”
Here’s another quotation about gossip, which I found years ago:
People with extraordinary minds talk about ideas,
People with average minds talk about events, and
People with simple minds talk about other people.
- Unknown
As always,
Laurie
I think this is one of the first postings of yours Laurie that I have to disagree with. Perhaps it’s because I live on a small Island and I’ve seen how hurtful gossip can be – one small bit of tantalizing gossip that spreads like wildfire can ruin a person’s business or overall reputation. Or perhaps it’s because I’m a coach/counselor and am used to keeping people’s activities private (where I believe it should stay unless they personally tell you their story – hearing it second hand is always distorted).
I can’t say I don’t participate in it because as you said, it “gives us a rush” and it’s hard to stop listening once its pouring out of someone’s mouth. But overall I try to steer clear of regular gossipers and I try not to pass anything on that I’ve heard. It’s titillation as far as I can see and only makes people feel good in a twisted way – if they have low self esteem it can feel good to bash someone else or laugh at their foibles, but it quickly becomes judmental and negative, filled with what the other person “should” have done instead of what they did – as if we know what it’s like to be in their shoes.
I’m not sure I believe the study that says it increases endorphins (would be interested to see the research study for its validity and reliablity) unless it is that first ‘hit’ of high from feeling better than others for a moment – until you are on the other side and feel worse than. I’m much more interested in conversations that are uplifting, inspiring and in an area of interest. I mean really, who cares what a famous actor thinks about childrearing???? I don’t even know them and I have so many other things to do and discuss. It’s kinda like watching a soap opera instead of living you’re life isn’t it!?!