6 Ways to Find the Courage to End a Relationship – Nicole Kidman

No matter what type of relationship you need to end – love, business, Facebook, your hair stylist – it can be difficult to let go. Several readers have asked for help finding the courage to say good-bye; here’s my advice, with inspiration from Nicole Kidman (who survived and thrived after her breakup with Tom Cruise!).

“I’m not sure what the future holds, but I do know that I’m going to be positive and not wake up feeling desperate,” said Kidman. “As my dad said: ‘Nicole, it is what it is, it’s not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is.’”

One way to be positive and stop feeling powerless is to accept the facts. “It is what it is,” said Nicole Kidman’s father. “Now I can wear heels,” said Nicole (Tom Cruise is a short man!). Another way to focus on the positive is to see the ending as a new beginning, a new stage in your life. To explore this idea, read Closure and the Law of Relationship: Endings as New Beginnings. And, here are six other ways to find the courage to say good-bye…

6 Ways to Find the Courage to End a Relationship – Nicole Kidman

1. Figure out what you’re getting out of the relationship. Many people – both men and women – don’t have the strength to end relationships, even when the relationship is bad, unhealthy, or going nowhere. The reasons for staying are different for everyone, and depend on the type of relationship it is. But, the bottom line is that there is a reason you’re staying with this person: you’re getting something out of it…even if it’s just protection from the discomfort of saying good-bye! The sooner you figure out your reasons for staying, the easier it’ll be to find the courage to end the relationship.

2. Learn about the different reasons for staying. Why do people stay in marriages, work partnerships, or love relationships that are going nowhere? Here’s a list of reasons; use it to figure out why you’re staying. Or, use it to help you brainstorm at least five reasons for not leaving…..

• Fear of being alone
• Lack of motivation to find someone new (eg, a new hair stylist, better business partner, more suitable roommate, etc).
• Fear of not being loved or accepted by anyone else
• Feelings of low self-worth, or even self-loathing
• Concern about what friends and family will say
• Financial problems (if so, you may find Steps to Financial Independence helpful)
• Poor role models (eg, parents or friends who lack courage to change their lives)
• Figuring out why you’re staying may help you find the courage to end a relationship that’s not working for you.

3. Let go of the need to control other people’s feelings. You can’t control how people – friends, family, or the person you’re breaking up with – will respond when you break off the relationship. You can’t control what they do, how they feel, who they tell, or how they think. That’s their business. Let it go. Focus on what you can change in your life, such as your own behavior and words, and your response to other people. This can involve protecting your boundaries despite criticism. In the movie “The Scotsman”, Nicole Kidman said, “When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you can have more happiness.” I amend that to “When you relinquish the desire to control other people, you will be happier”!

4. Think of a time in your past when you did something scary. What was the most difficult, frightening thing you’ve ever done? Reflect on it for a few moments. Then, figure out what gave you strength and courage. For one woman, it could be a soul sister, a support group, or a parent. Another woman could find the courage to say good-bye in a book about self-confidence, or a particular issue of a magazine such as O (reading Oprah’s magazine is one of my favorite ways to stay authentic and grounded in who I am!). You need to figure out how YOU get your strength…and one of the best ways to do that is to recall when you’ve been brave in the past.

5. Ask women you admire about the source of their courage and strength. We can learn so much from smart, strong women – which is why I created See Jane Soar! The women around us can help us build better, happier, more successful lives, even if we don’t know them personally. Take Nicole Kidman, for instance: I love knowing that a woman of her fame and fortune is as vulnerable as we are. She doesn’t know what the future holds, and has to strive to be positive just like we do. Her struggles and successes give me strength. If there’s a woman in your life that you admire, or one loved and lost, then talk to her. Gain strength and wisdom from her experience.

6. Tap into your soul. A solid inner strength can get you through almost anything – whether you’re feeling guilty about ending a relationship or worried about dissolving a business partnership. Spirituality or a reliance God, Buddha, or even Mother Nature can give you access to strength you didn’t even know you had. Find ways to maintain a strong connection between your heart, soul, and mind, and you’ll be stronger than you thought possible!

“I’d like to be wise,” said Nicole Kidman. “You have to go through a lot to get there, but I’m willing to go through a lot.”

If you have any questions or thoughts on these ways to find the courage to end a relationship, please comment below…

Related posts:

1. How to Find the Strength to Leave a Bad Relationship – Gloria Steinem
2. Overcoming Fear and Connecting With Courage – Suze Orman and Cher
3. How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup – Rita Rudner