“At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal,” said Barbara Bush. “You will regret time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend, or a parent.”

Sometimes it seems easier to distance yourself from difficult family members – and sometimes distance is the best solution. Other times, however, it’s healthier to deal directly with problems in families. For help, read Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family. And, here are some suggestions for difficult families…

Dealing With Difficult Family Members – Barbara Bush

Learn how to deal with difficult people. Dealing with difficult people can be challenging, but there are many books and resources on how to deflect conflicts and situations. Read about boundaries, take workshops or classes about setting healthy boundaries with difficult people, and consider talking to a counselor about the best way to handle problems with family members.

Distance yourself from difficult family members. Even though Barbara Bush says, “Cherish your human connections: your relationships with friends and family,” I think the best way to handle some types of family problems is to separate yourself physically and emotionally. This may mean moving to a different house, state, or country. Or, it may mean not answering the phone until you’re mentally and emotionally ready to talk. You don’t necessarily need to cut difficult family members out of your life; rather, you can give them a quick call every 2-3 months — or you can send a note instead of calling.

Don’t expect your family member to change. Change the things you have control over, such as how often you visit. Even knowing you have control over the littlest things can make a difference! Your family member may never change, but you can empower yourself in different ways. For instance, if you have an alcoholic sibling, you can join an Al-Anon support group. Difficult family members are stressful – there’s no doubt about it – but you can reduce the stress by checking your own attitude and response to them.

Know when to draw the line. On my How to Cope With Difficult Parents article, many readers describe toxic relatives who cause a lot of harm to themselves and their family members. My readers ask the same question over and over: “How can I stop my brother/parent/uncle member from doing the same harmful act?” It depends on the situation, but many times the answer is found in letting your family member face the consequences. If you keep protecting your family member from the natural consequences of his actions, then he’ll keep acting the same way.

Expect criticism. Handling problems with family members requires setting boundaries. It’s easier to set boundaries than to actually stick to them! Learn how to protect your boundaries despite criticism from other people. And remember that your difficult family members may not think they’re doing anything wrong, and may not see the negative effect they have on you or others. They may think everyone should live and act the way they do. That’s their right, and it’s your right to live the way you see fit.

Figure out what the “natural consequences” are. If your family member causes physical harm to another person or family member, then a natural consequence is legal action. If your relative always borrows money and never pays it back, then a natural consequence could be filing suit for repayment (provided you and your relative signed a loan agreement). Another natural consequence is not being invited to family dinners or celebrations (if the toxic relative always ruins the get-togethers). Many families try – out of love – to protect their relatives from the results of their actions. This may appear to be a loving thing to do, but it’s “enabling.” It perpetuates the behavior.

“You have to love your children unselfishly,” says Barbara Bush. “That’s hard. But it’s the only way.” And, part of unselfish love is doing what’s best for your child…even when he’s the most difficult family member you’ve ever known!

What do you think of these ways to deal with difficult family members? I welcome your questions and comments below…

Related posts:

1. Dealing With Different Money Personalities as a Couple – Suze Orman
2. Why do Women (and Men!) Gossip? – Barbara Walters
3. Healing Female Friendships – Michelle Obama

“Women have to be able to champion other women,” said Michelle Obama in a recent issue of Oprah Magazine. “We have to root for each other’s successes and not delight in one another’s failures.”

Rooting for your friend’s successes can be difficult – especially if you’re prone to jealousy or insecurity (like we all are at times!). For more info about healing female friendships, click When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You. And, read on for tips on repairing relationships and keeping  friends for the long haul…

Healing Female Friendships – Michelle Obama

Is there a friend who you don’t talk to? Did you argue about something, or just drift apart — or did you have an unexpected relationship breakup? Here are a few things to think about if you want to be friends again…

Figure out the cause of the estrangement. Female friendships can be broken through neglect, betrayal, arguments, or broken promises. Identifying and airing the cause of the breakup can make reconnecting with friends much easier. Plus, the more you know about broken relationships, the healthier your future friendships will be!

Make the first move to repair the relationship, says Michelle Obama. “If there is anyone who has a broken relationship with another woman, if there was a woman in your life that you have not communicated with because of ego or embarrassment or jealousy or fear of rejection, a sister or a friend or a mother or a child who could or should be a part of your community,” says Obama, “I ask you to reach out to that woman today.”

Remember that female friendships have ups and downs. Most relationships go through cycles of closeness and distance, connection and disconnection. To keep your friendships healthy and strong, accept that these natural stages – and perhaps pay a little more attention to your friends during the periods of distance.

Accept your friends for who they are. The best, healthiest part of friendship is not trying to change people! If you want to keep your friend, you should accept her quirks, weaknesses, and foibles…without wanting her to be different or trying to change her personality.

Identify toxic female friends. Some relationships aren’t worth repairing because they’re destructive, unhealthy, or difficult. To learn if you’re in a toxic friendship, read Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez. To find out if you’re the toxic friend, read Are You a Toxic Female Friend? George Eliot.

One last quotation from Michelle Obama:

“One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals. And so when I hear about negative and false attacks, I really don’t invest any energy in them, because I know who I am.”

If you have any questions or thoughts on healing female friendships or repairing relationships, I welcome you below!

Related posts:

1. Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez
2. Living Your Own Life – Maria Shriver’s Advice to Michelle Obama?
3. Giving People the Benefit of the Doubt – Michelle Obama

Here’s what Eleanor Roosevelt said about friendship:

“Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.”

When you’re healing from a relationship breakup, one of the most important things to do is not take it personally and stay friends with yourself – especially if the breakup was unexpected! For more relationship advice, click on Extreme Breakup Recovery by Jeanette Castelli. And, read on for my ways to overcome an unexpected relationship breakup…

Ways to Overcome an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt

Don’t take the breakup personally. The reason for the relationship breakup could have nothing to do with you! Maybe something happened in your friend or partner’s life that requires distance, such as depression, physical illness, or unresolved emotional issues. It’s important to remember that he or she has a whole inner life that you may not be privy to. Don’t berate yourself for the breakup, or over what you did or didn’t do.

Let go of feelings of unworthiness and inferiority. This is a deeper exploration of “don’t take things personally”: don’t let the unexpected breakup destroy your self-confidence or self-esteem. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” said Roosevelt. Accept your hurt and confusion about the end of the relationship or friendship, but don’t let it make you feel unworthy or inferior.

Ask what happened. It’s acceptable and even healthy to ask romantic partners or friends for reasons behind the relationship breakup, especially if it was unexpected. Did you not live up to their expectations? Did you offend them, or were you insensitive in some way? If you’re wondering if you were a “bad” friend, you might find Are You a Toxic Friend – George Eliot helpful. But remember — an unexpected end of a friendship does not mean you’re a toxic or bad friend!

Accept that you may never know why it happened. Your friend or partner may not be able to express the reasons for the relationship breakup. Maybe he or she doesn’t know why the relationship can’t continue, or can’t express it properly. Or, perhaps he or she simply doesn’t want to talk about it. To overcome an unexpected relationship breakup, you have to accept a possible lack of closure.

Prime the “resilience” pump! How “bouncebackable” are you? Resiliency is a key to being a successful woman who can overcome relationship breakups and forge healthy new relationships. Everyone faces failures, setbacks, and obstacles in friendships and romantic relationships. Successful women just keep getting up and trying again, that’s all! For tips on bouncing back, read 5 Ways to Build Resiliency – JK Rowling.

Choose to heal. The most effective way to overcome relationship breakup – besides letting time heal – is to make the choice to move on. The end of the friendship or relationship happened, and there may be nothing you can do about it. You need to choose to heal and overcome your feelings of loss, pain, and helplessness; it’s a choice you may need to make every day.

Soon, you’ll find your pain over the breakup to be less distracting or debilitating. You’ll remember the relationship, but won’t be as burdened by it.

One last quotation from Eleanor Roosevelt (not necessarily related to ending a relationship or friendship, but it’s a great thought!):

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway,” she said. “You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.” 

What are your thoughts or questions on overcoming unexpected an relationship breakup? I welcome you below…

Related posts:

1. 3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt
2. How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup – Rita Rudner
3. The Definition of a Successful Woman – Eleanor Roosevelt

George Eliot was a big believer in not losing yourself, in standing up for yourself, in following your heart, and in achieving your goals.

“Be courteous, be obliging, but don’t give yourself over to be melted down for the benefit of the tallow trade,” she said.

My friends, a long-term committed romantic relationship can be the best thing that ever happens to you. Or it can be the worst thing – if you lose your personal identity in that relationship. If you’re struggling with life, losing yourself, and figuring out who you are, click on This is Not the Life I Ordered: 50 Ways to Keep Your Head Above Water When Life Keeps Dragging You Down by Deborah Collins Stephens et al. It’s one of my favorite books on how to be authentic and successful.

And, read on to learn how not to lose your personality identity in a romantic relationship…

How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship

Realize when you’re “giving yourself over.” Healthy romantic relationships require compromise on both parts. To keep your personal identity, recognize when you’re acting on behalf of the relationship (such as going to boxing matches with your sweetie or making some sort of sacrifice) versus soaking up new likes or activities that aren’t who you are (such as taking on the “I love boxing!” mentality).

Spend time with your friends. Many women lose touch with their friends when they fall in love…it’s a normal part of the whole romantic relationship cycle! When you’re first falling in love, you spend more time with your lover. But, it’s important to balance that new, exciting part of your life with your “old” life: your friends and family. To keep your personality identity, keep your friends (if you struggle with toxic friends, read Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez).

Confess the bad bits to your friends and family. I’ve dated men who had personality and character traits that I could not tell my friends and family about! I was embarrassed and even ashamed that the man I was in a romantic relationship with had those traits…so I didn’t tell anyone about them. That, my friends, is one way to lose your personal identity in a romantic relationship. To stay connected to who you are, talk about the things that bother you about your boyfriend and your relationship. Force yourself to be honest and real.

Listen to the poet Rumi, and “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” In the first blush of love, you want to be together all the time! Stop that. Take a step back. Tune into your heart and soul, and make sure you’re staying connected to who you are. Think about who this man is and what you want out of life…are they compatible? Make decisions about your relationship with both your head and your heart…not just your heart.

If you’ve lost yourself or your personal identity in a relationship, find hope and inspiration in George Eliot’s words: “It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”

What do you think of these suggestions for not losing your identity in a romantic relationship? I welcome your comments below…and if you want to find who you are after losing yourself in a relationship, let me know! I’d be happy to write that article.

Related posts:

1. Reclaiming Your Personal Identity or Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach
2. Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt
3. How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert

“From the backstabbing co-worker to the meddling sister-in-law, you are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life,” says Anais Nin. “You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead.”

Below are some suggestions for not giving negativity power over your life. For more tips for successful careerwomen, click on See Jane Lead: 99 Ways for Women to Take Charge at Work by Lois Frankel. And, read on for ways to cope with negative coworkers who drain your energy…

Coping With Negative Coworkers Who Drain Your Energy – Anais Nin

Limit your time alone with negative coworkers. This one of the most important ways to cope with people who drain your energy: put as much space between you and them as possible. Both physical and emotional space counts! This means not sitting next to them at meetings, not carpooling with them, and not having lunch with them. Set time limits – and learn how to say no without feeling guilty.

Spend time with coworkers who fill you with energy. Right after you spend time with a coworker who drains your energy, seek someone who fills you back up again. Maybe you need to make a quick phone call to a friend or family member, or walk down the hall to a colleague’s office. Coping with negative people is much easier when you deliberately and immediately “fill the gap” they left. For more info on dealing with toxic people, read Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez.

Pick specific times for meetings. Avoid getting caught up in impromptu meetings, which you aren’t emotionally or professionally prepared for. Instead, be deliberate about setting meeting times. You could either get the meeting over with first thing in the morning (and possibly feel drained the rest of the day), or meet with your negative coworker at the end of the day (and go home feeling drained). Obviously, there’s no perfect solution – but setting a specific time gives you time to prepare.

Prepare for meetings. Of course you want to be professionally prepared – but you also want to be emotionally ready to cope with negative coworkers who drain your energy. This means pumping yourself up before the meeting. Take five or ten minutes to chat with a positive person, look at pictures of your last vacation, child, or pet, or visualize your favorite place in the world. (And, if you tend to procrastinate when preparing for meetings, you might find 7 Ways to Overcome Procrastination at Work – Sarah Ban Breathnach helpful!).

Try not to misread words or actions. “Women frequently misread neutral cues as being negative or critical,” writes Lois Frankel in See Jane Lead: 99 Ways for Women to Take Charge at Work. She says most women have strong emotional intelligence and social awareness overall, but they aren’t always accurate in their interpretations. So, be careful not to project your own feelings onto a coworker. For example, if you always feel criticized about an aspect of your job performance, you might want to check your own feelings about your performance.

One last quotation from a successful woman (well she was at one time, anyway — not sure if she still is now): “The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power,” says Roseanne Barr. “You just take it.”

If you’re thinking about quitting your job, read How to Successfully Change Careers – Suze Orman.

What have I missed? I welcome your thoughts and questions about coping with negative coworkers who drain your energy below!

Related posts:

1. How to Handle Negative or Bossy Co-Workers – Sophia Loren
2. Improving a Negative Body Image – Christina Aguilera
3. Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez

“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself,” says Tina Turner. “If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.”

Letting go, even when you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, is one of the hardest things you’ll do. For more relationship help, click on The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel. And, read on for the stages of leaving an abusive relationship…

5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship – Tina Turner

According to a new University of Illinois journal article, abused woman go through a five-step process of leaving abusive relationships. Below are the fives stages, based doctoral candidate Lyndal Khaw’s dissertation work at the U of I. If you want to leave your partner are scared, read Overcoming Fear – Suze Orman and Cher.

The rest of this article has been moved

Leaving an Abusive Relationship – 5 Stages Women Go Through

If you have any thoughts or questions on these stages of leaving an abusive relationship, I welcome your comments below…

Related posts:

1. How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert
2. 3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt
3. How to Find the Strength to Leave a Bad Relationship – Gloria Steinem