These six ways to create a vision board that works will help bring your passions, hopes, dreams, and future plans to life! I’m so inspired by Martha Beck’s latest article in Oprah Magazine. I love Martha Beck, I love thinking about authenticity, and I love the idea of finding our destiny!

“When you start assembling pictures that appeal to your deepest self, you unleash one of the most powerful forces on our planet: human imagination,” writes Martha Beck in “The Vision Thing” (Oprah Magazine, June 2010). “Virtually everything humans use, do, or make up exists because something thought it up.”

Martha Beck is one of my favorite motivational authors; her latest book is Steering by Starlight: The Science and Magic of Finding Your Destiny. And, here are six ways to find your desiny by creating the right type of vision board…

5 Ways to Create a Vision Board That Works – Martha Beck

1. Be open to the power of a vision board. “When you start assembling pictures that appeal to your deepest self, you unleash one of the most powerful forces on our planet: human imagination,” writes Beck. “Virtually everything humans use, do, or make up exists because something thought it up.” Remember that a vision board sets the stage for possibility. And, making your dreams come true – finding your destiny – isn’t about getting exactly what you want! It’s about getting what you need.

2. Be clear on what a vision board is. “A vision board (also called a Treasure Map or a Visual Explorer or Creativity Collage) is typically a poster board on which you paste or collage images that you’ve torn out from various magazines. It’s simple,” writes Christine Kane, author of The Complete Guide to Vision Boards. “The idea behind this is that when you surround yourself with images of who you want to become, what you want to have, where you want to live, or where you want to vacation, your life changes to match those images and those desires.”

3. Create a vision board that represents who you are. Don’t look through the most popular magazines for images that represent everyone’s idea of success (eg, beautiful vacations, no credit card debt, a happy family). Instead, find unusual pictures of unfamiliar places, people, poetry. Find images that resonate with who you are – without worrying about other people’s expectations. Find pictures that represent your most primal, wild, unique, innate self.

4. Cut and paste photos that spark your inner “a ha”! Beck encourages us to find pictures that invoke the following responses: joy, wonder, excitement, curiosity, and happiness. Put photos that make you do a double take or gasp with excitement – and avoid our culture’s clichés (perfect families, exotic vacations, early retirement).

5. Stop thinking about what you want out of life. Instead of focusing with narrow minded tunnel vision on finding your destiny or making your dreams come true, let go of what you want. “Stop thinking about it,” says Beck. “The biggest mistake aspiring reality creators make…is continuing to push something they’ve already set in motion.” Hmmm….this one stopped me in my tracks. Maybe I’m too focused on “making” my Quips and Tips blogs succeed…maybe I reek of desperation and need! Maybe it’s time to let my vision board hum quietly in the background while I relax and do what I love (which involves blogging, so I won’t be abandoning my dreams :-) ).

6. “Be still and still moving.” Alas, Martha Beck says, vision boards aren’t a substitute for elbow grease! We need to be active about getting what we want out of life – we need to keep moving forward, in the direction of our dreams. How? By walking through open doors, listening to our hunches, taking advantage of “coincidences”, and doing what comes naturally. And, by knowing what to let go of!  For instance, I’m constantly tweaking my ads on my Quips and Tips blogs, instead of relating to my readers or meeting new bloggers who have common interests.

“Your vision board itself doesn’t impact reality; what changes your life is the process of creating the images — combinations of objects and events that will stick in your subconscious mind and steer your choices toward making the vision real,” writes Martha Beck.

For more Martha Beck on See Jane Soar, read 6 Ways to Increase Weight Loss Motivation.

Related posts:

1. 6 Ways to Increase Weight Loss Motivation – Martha Beck
2. Martha Stewart – Bending Steel With Her Mind
3. For Female Entrepreneurs – Martha Stewart’s 10 Rules for Starting a Business

“Nearly every glamorous, wealthy, successful career woman you might envy now started out as some kind of schlep,” said Brown.

Though some women are extremely fortunate, most successful women start with similar levels of education, resources, and money. We’re all “schelps” at one point in our careers…but the most successful career women use the resources available to get from “down there” to “up here”! A valuable career book for women is Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman: What Men Know About Success that Women Need to Learn. And, another way to succeed is knowing how to solve work problems, which these tips cover…

6 Steps to Solving Almost Any Work Problem – Helen Gurley Brown

1. Figure out how you’re contributing to the problem at work. Sometimes our own personalities, insecurities, and past experiences cause or contribute to work conflicts. And, tackling our own issues – such as an inability to stand up for ourselves despite criticism — can positively affect or even solve the problem. For instance, a minor attitude adjustment on your part can trigger an attitude adjustment on your coworkers’ part…and it may be enough to make a big difference. It can take an uncomfortable amount of self-awareness, honesty, and insight to ‘fess up to your contributions to the problem, but that short-term discomfort can increase the chances you’ll achieve your career goals.

2. Talk to your coworkers about finding solutions to the problem. Is your job stress affecting other people at work? If so, brainstorm solutions with them. Don’t let your discussion deteriorate into a complaining session; instead, stay focused on digging up the root of the problem and sincerely trying to find ways to solve it. Be proactive and positive.

3. Refrain from criticizing your company, boss, or colleagues. When I was in university, I worked at Red Robin restaurant for several years. My favorite manager — a hard-working, friendly, supportive supervisor – got himself fired because he criticized the company in front of his staff. Whether you’re a supervisor or a new employee, regardless of what your problem is, don’t complain about your job, coworkers, or supervisors. Even if it doesn’t eventually get back to them, it makes you look unprofessional and petty.

4. Talk to the employee who can make a difference. If, for instance, your work problem involves dealing with negative or bossy coworkers, then there’s no point in talking to the person who delivers the mail! To solve any type of job stress, you need to talk to the person who is directly involved. This quotation from Helen Gurley Brown sums it up nicely: ”My success was not based so much on any great intelligence but on great common sense.”

5. Be open to different options, and look for win-win situations. The more creative and willing you are to consider different ways to solve your work problem, the higher your chances of success. If you want a raise, for example, remember that there are work perks other than financial remuneration. For instance, you might negotiate shorter work days or a shorter work week so you can think about starting your own business. Or, you might not be able to eliminate the stress of dealing with a negative coworker or supervisor, but you could consider changing your hours or workspace so you deal with that coworker less often.

6. Decide what you’re willing to live with at work. What if you can’t solve your specific work problem — and you’re worried that it might affect whether or not you will get ahead at work? You need to decide what your bottom line is. Will you quit your job if you can’t solve this work problem, or will you stay where you are for another year (or seven)? If you determine in advance what you’re willing to live with, you’re less likely to make an impulse decision you’ll regret later.

“The only thing that separates successful women from the ones who aren’t is the willingness to work very, very hard.” ~ Helen Gurley Brown.

If you have any thoughts or questions on these steps to solving work problems, please comment below…

Related posts:

1. Making Envy Work for You – Helen Gurley Brown
2. 7 Ways to Overcome Procrastination at Work – Sarah Ban Breathnach
3. 5 Steps to Being a Successful Woman – Katherine Hepburn

“Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides.” ~ Margaret Thatcher.

Making a choice to act can be difficult in different ways for women of different ages. If you’re in your forties like me, you might find The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After 40 interesting! However, the following ways to make a good decision apply to women of all ages…

How to Make a Good Decision for Women – Margaret Thatcher

Make decisions quickly, and keep a “decisions” journal. “Not only will you find that the decisions you make quickly are the better ones, but you’ll also find you’re much happier and more confident with those than you are with the decisions you make using laborious analysis,” writes Elaine St. James in Simplify Your Work Life: Ways to Change the Way You Work so You Have More Time to Live. She advises keeping a “decisions journal” for six months to determine how long it takes to make decisions and which ones were good decisions. Knowing how to make a good decisions quickly involves tracking your past decisions, both good and bad.

Margaret Thatcher is a woman who makes decisions quickly: “I usually make up my mind about a man in ten seconds,” she says, “and I very rarely change it.”

Trust your first instincts. St. James believes it’s important to trust your gut instincts. And, making a good decision for women involves eliminating clutter or “noise”, such as other people’s expectations want or what you’ve been programmed to do by your parents or teachers. “Often our days are so filled with unimportant minutiae that we easily get disconnected from our inner guidance,” writes St. James. Connecting to your inner voice takes practice, which is why St. James suggests the decisions journal when you’re trying to make a good decision. It will help you make the right decision quickly, and help you untangle the unimportant details.

Take an “Is this a good decision?” test. You can make a good decision by tuning in to your physical body. This test involves standing up straight, taking a cleansing breath of air, and either letting your arms rest by your sides or placing them against your solar plexus. Breathe in through the nose and out through your mouth. “It helps in the beginning to close your eyes,” writes St. James in Simplify Your Work Life. “Not only to eliminate visual distractions but also to help you get in touch with your center.” And, the more in touch you are with your inner self, the more you’ll get out of your life!

Most women’s bodies tilt forward when they experience a “yes” response to a decision. Their bodies tilt slightly backwards with a “no” response. To determine your own bodily response, imagine a “yes” and a “no” decision. Which way does your body lean?

Once you know how your body responds when you’re making decisions, you’re more in touch with you body’s energy field and you’ll be better able to make good decisions quickly. When you’re standing solidly and comfortably, ask yourself if a particular decision is truly in your best interest. Is it in your best interests to hire Jennifer, marry Bill or have a bacon double cheeseburger with super sized French fries for lunch?

“If the decision you’ve made is right for you, your body will start to fall forward ever so slightly; if the decision isn’t right, your body will start to fall backward every so slightly,” writes St. James. “The more you work with this, the better you’ll get.”

If you tend to make decisions based on a need to be liked, check out this final quotation from Margaret Thatcher: “If you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing. ”

If you have any questions or thoughts on making good decisions for women, please comment below…

Related posts:

1. Where “Well-Behaved Women” Came From – Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
2. How to Make Mistakes and Move On – Brenda Ueland
3. How to Make Your Business Successful: Find Your Personal Advantage

“Luck has nothing to do with [my success], because I have spent many, many hours, countless hours, on the court working for my one moment in time, not knowing when it would come,” said tennis champion Serena Williams.

That’s the “10,000 hours of practice for successful people” rule, which Malcolm Gladwell describes in Outliers: The Story of Success. But, before you can practice anything for 10,000 hours, you first need to figure out if your goals are worth pursuing! Here, a psychologist and two life coaches (all published authors!) describe why giving up on unhealthy goals is an important part of creating a successful life plan.

Evaluating Your Personal or Professional Goals

Persistence and pursuing goals is admirable – especially when you think of female entrepreneurs who start their own successful businesses and somehow beat all odds to succeed. Yet, research shows that dogged determination can lead to depression, helplessness, and a weakened immune system.

Dana S. Dunn, Professor of Social Psychology at the Moravian College in Pennsylvania and author of Research Methods for Social Psychology, says that remarkable accomplishments do happen, but they’re not the norm.

“We tend to overgeneralize from a handful of instances in which people do amazing things,” says Dunn. “The danger of looking at people who succeeded against all odds is that we don’t know how they got there. We don’t necessarily know the steps they took, their background, or the support they had.”

The notions of persistence and accomplishment are embedded in many of our communities, workplaces, and families. “We’re socialized that we must always succeed, but we don’t always recognize that we’re limited by resources such as time, circumstance, and ability,” says Dunn. “Motivation isn’t the problem. Our own infrastructure can hold us back. We don’t always have the right education, technical expertise, or resources.”

Recognizing our limitations is key to achieving our goals and creating a successful life plan.

How to Recognize Unhealthy Goals

“It may be time to re-evaluate your goals when you’ve lost your joy or you’re not making as much of an effort,” says life coach Susan Wilson, author of Goal Setting: How to Create an Action Plan and Achieve Your Goals. “If you dread the thought of the goal, you’ve lost your creativity, or you resent the time and energy it takes, then you might consider a different approach. Difficult goals are challenging, but the obstacles will be balanced by the joy of pushing through and seeing benefits. If the negative parts of the goal overshadow the positives, then that goal may not be right for you.”

Impossible or unachievable goals don’t honor who we are, adds Sandra Taylor, author of Secrets of Success: The Science and Spirit of Real Prosperity. If our goals aren’t in line with our beliefs, values, personality, and future plans, the outcomes of the goal will be negative. “Look for red flags such as anxiety or objective feedback from others that your goal isn’t realistic,” she says. “Watch for the feeling that the goal and the process don’t resonate with who you are. If you’re participating in activities for their own sake – not just with the goal in mind – then you know it’s a valuable goal.”

3 Tips for Creating a Successful Life Plan for Women – Serena Williams

1. Set goals that represent who you are. “I was just tired of losing,” says Serena Williams. “Life was passing me by.” She is incredibly successful at playing tennis because she got tired of feeling left behind. Williams chose a life goal that she was passionate about, that represented who she was. And, she not only won…she’s also happy and fulfilled. To create a successful life plan, you need to figure out who you really are as a woman.

2. Set your intentions and focus on what you want to achieve. “If you can keep playing tennis when somebody is shooting a gun down the street, that’s concentration,” says Williams. What – or who – distracts you from achieving your personal and professional goals? Find a way to deal with that obstacle…even if it’s as disruptive as a shooting down the street!

3. Let go of the past. “I decided I can’t pay a person to rewind time, so I may as well get over it,” says Serena Williams. Don’t let your past mistakes, shame, or regret stop you from creating a successful life plan! Figure out how to let go of past negativity and free yourself to set your intentions and achieve your goals. Get over it…the past is behind you.

Have you set a life plan — or intentions for your life – and are you pursuing unhealthy or healthy personal or professional goals? I welcome your thoughts or questions below… 

Related posts:

1. Secrets of Successful Women – 6 Life Lessons From Maria Shriver
2. 10 Habits of Highly Successful Women
3. How to Know if Your Goals Are Good for You – Anna Quindlen

“You did what you know how to do. When you knew better, you did better.” – Maya Angelou.

Bouncing back from failure involves accepting that you did the best you could at the time. When you know better, you do better…and the key is to learn from your business failures! One of my favorite books on turning failure to success is When Smart People Fail – click the cover for details. And, read on for specific ways to turn failure to success for female entrepreneurs…

Turning Failure to Success for Female Entrepreneurs – Maya Angelou

“Failure is a cleaning of the house,” writes Linda Gottlieb, co-author of When Smart People Fail. “It’s an opportunity to reorient your career, to inspect it, to relabel it. You learn to keep all your options in play, be light on your feet. Surviving failure makes you bold…Failure liberates you and gives you the courage to risk in a big enough way to guarantee big success.”

Research shows that female entrepreneurs are risk takers and less cautious by nature. Female entrepreneurs are optimistic but not always resilient — which is a shame, because bouncing back from failure may be the biggest predictor of success in business, relationships, and life.

Get real about failure. Failure isn’t a fatal flaw or social disease that renders you helpless and unhappy. Female entrepreneurs know that failure is not a permanent condition. Failure doesn’t make you less worthy, less intelligent, or less capable. Failure isn’t who you are….failure is simply an event.

Stop, take a deep breath, and think. After you fail, figure out exactly what happened. Did your business location lead you to bankruptcy? Were you fired because you weren’t focused? Be honest and specific. To turn failure to success, identify your mistakes and take responsibility.

“If you don’t like something, change it,” said Maya Angelou. “If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”

Regain control. When you know what went wrong, be deliberate not to make the same mistakes. Female entrepreneurs aren’t doomed to repeat history unless they’re oblivious! To regain control, determine what you did right and what worked in the past.

Also — remember that timing is everything. To learn how successful businesswoman Anita Roddick created the Body Shop, Finding the Right Timing — Anita Roddick.

Connect with other successful female entrepreneurs. Talk to women in business who have survived similar situations. Find out what worked. What would they do differently if they knew then what they know now? Compare stories. The more you hide your failures, the worse you’ll feel; so, be honest about your weaknesses and regrets. Not only is this emotionally healthy, it could open doors to new opportunities.

Adjust your perspective on failure. “I actually consider my failure to become a feature film director as the beginning of what I consider a saner and more successful life,” says award-winning Hollywood director Bert Salzman. “After winning the Oscar, I had visions of going right to the top, and when I didn’t get there immediately, I began to reconsider my life.”

Turning failure into success can be as simple as stepping back, looking at your life objectively, and realizing that failure doesn’t define you.

Work it, baby, work it! To turn failure into success, recycle your skills and talents. Reuse or re-label your abilities by breaking down the elements of your previous work into small, definable skills. Look at yourself differently – through the eyes of a stranger – and don’t be ashamed to share your hidden talents and abilities.

Failure can teach you compassion and humility. Failure can offer you a new sense of power and a different way to connect with the universe – if you let it. For more info on bouncing back, read 5 Ways to Build Resiliency – JK Rowling.

“Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: ‘I’m with you kid. Let’s go.’ ” – Maya Angelou.

If you have any questions or thoughts on turning failure to success, please comment below!

Related posts:

1. The Key to Success for Female Entrepreneurs – Coco Chanel
2. For Female Entrepreneurs – Martha Stewart’s 10 Rules for Starting a Business
3. When You’re Starting Your Own Business – What Successful Businesswomen Know

“If you neglect to recharge a battery, it dies,” says Oprah. “And if you run full speed ahead without stopping for water, you lose momentum to finish the race.”

I tend to run full speed ahead without stopping to recharge, and I keep learning that doing too much actually puts me farther behind than stopping to rest! These five ways to recharge your batteries will help stop you from doing too much. If you’re interested in restoring unbalanced energy and guided mediation, click on The Gemstone Crystal and Chakra DVD, above.

5 Ways to Recharge Your Batteries – Oprah Winfrey

You don’t necessarily need to get out of town and go to a day spa to recharge your batteries (though that often helps!). Sometimes all you need to do is stop and think for a few minutes…

1. Tell yourself that you have enough time. When I take a deep breath and reassure myself that I have enough time and I will get everything done, I almost immediately feel recharged! Telling myself I have enough time makes me feel lighter and more energized.

2. Stop taking things so seriously. I’ve found that I can get the same amount of work done when I’m stressed as when I feel light and happy. In fact, I can get more done when I’m feeling light and happy, because I’m not tense and anxious (which causes more errors). If you’re like me – a little on the serious side – you might find How to Lighten Up and Get More Done helpful.

3. Remember that you can’t have it all at once. This hint for recharging your batteries is inspired directly from Oprah. “I’ve learned that you can’t have everything and do everything at the same time,” she says. One way to stop yourself from doing too much is to remember that there’s a season for everything…and now might not be the season to get what you most want out of life. Take this as a time to recharge your batteries, instead of dwelling on what you wish you could have.

4. Tune in to your intentions. To stop yourself from doing too much and draining your batteries, figure out what your intentions are. Oprah again sums it up nicely: “Before you agree to do anything that might add even the smallest amount of stress to your life, ask yourself: What is my truest intention? Give yourself time to let a yes resound within you. When it’s right, I guarantee that your entire body will feel it.” For help figuring out your intentions, read Getting What You Want Out of Life – Angelina Jolie.

5. Remember that every decision you make counts. To recharge your batteries, stop shrugging off your options. Everything you do in life takes you closer to your dreams and goals…or farther away. “With every experience, you alone are painting your own canvas, thought by thought, choice by choice,” says Oprah. To stop doing too much, look at every decision you make in the light of not just your truest intentions, but your overall life plan.

What have I missed – what are your thoughts on recharging your batteries? I welcome your comments below…

Related posts:

1. How to Live Your Best Life – Oprah Winfrey
2. The Key to Success for Women – Oprah Winfrey
3. 6 Ways to Create a Vision Board That Works – Martha Beck

The life lesson: knowing how to make mistakes and move on will make you healthier, happier, and more successful (no more feelings of guilt and shame!). The successful woman: Brenda Ueland — a  prolific writer, strong woman in history, and all-round self-confident dame.

We women are “too ready not to stand by what we have said or done,” says Ueland. “It is so conceited and timid to be ashamed of one’s mistakes. Of course they are mistakes. Go on to the next.”

I love this because I tend to berate myself endlessly for mistakes! If you’re the same way, you might find John Maxwell’s Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes Into Stepping Stones for Success helpful (click on the image for more info). And, read on for my tips on making mistakes and moving on, inspired by Brenda Ueland.

Making Mistakes and Moving On – Brenda Ueland

Figure out why it’s conceited to be ashamed of your mistakes. How do you interpret Ueland’s statement that it’s conceited to be ashamed of your mistakes? To me, that means we put too much emphasis on the importance of ourselves and our mistakes. Dwelling on the mistakes we’ve made, instead of bouncing back to push forward, means we’re focused on our own selves instead of what’s going on around us.

Practice “moving on” for one month. Making mistakes and moving on is harder than it sounds, but I encourage you (and me!) to try it for one month. Every time that critical inner voice berates and castigates you for making a mistake, practice accepting that you’re human, remembering what you learned from that mistake, and shaking it off. If you need help conquering that nasty inner voice, read 5 Tips for Taming Your Inner Critic (written by Gini Grey, a frequent contributor to the comments here on See Jane Soar!). 

Hold on to a successful woman who made mistakes and moved on. Learn from strong women in history like Eleanor Roosevelt or Amelia Earhart – or from a woman in your own life! When I worked with Big Brothers and Big Sisters in Calgary, our public relations person made a grievous error in the quarterly newsletter. She accidentally published the name of an individual who made a significant donation to the organization; his only stipulation was that he remain anonymous. She didn’t realize her error until the newsletter was published and distributed to thousands of people; she had to call him and eat some serious humble pie. I’ll never forget how balanced she was! She tempered her deep regret for her mistake with a healthy dose of “this too, shall pass.” She had the self-confidence, self-acceptance, resilience, and experience to know that she made a mistake. She needed to move on.

What was the last or most memorable mistake you made — and have you moved on? Don’t cower and don’t be timid, my friends. Above all, don’t be ashamed. You may have messed up — we all do — but it’s over. Let it go.

And remember: “Since you are like no other being ever created since the beginning of time, you are incomparable,” says Brenda Ueland.

What are your thoughts about making mistakes and moving on? I welcome your comments below!

Related posts:

1. 5 Ways to Learn From Your Mistakes – Ella Fitzgerald
2. Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong
3. 5 Ways to Build Resiliency – JK Rowling

About friendship, George Eliot said:

“Perhaps the most delightful friendships are those in which there is much agreement, much disputation, and yet more personal liking.”

Good friends agree about lots of things – and, better yet, are able to disagree about lots of things. If you have a friend that you just aren’t clicking with, read Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships by Susan Shapiro Barash.

If you have a toxic friend in your life, you might find Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez helpful. And, here are six ways to tell if you’re a toxic female friend…

Are You a Toxic Female Friend? – George Eliot

Five signs that you’re toxic…

You’re negative, and you can’t stop complaining. Do you hate your job, your ex-boyfriend, your mother, and your last vacation? Fine…but stop talking about it! Expressing your negative feelings is fine – good, even — but polluting the air with a nonstop monologue about how terrible your life is won’t help you make and keep lifelong friends.

You talk behind your friend’s back. You’re a toxic female friend if you share info about your friend, her habits, her work, her partner, or anything about her life. Gossip may feel good (and if you want to know why, read Is Gossip Good for You? – Barbara Walters) — but it just ain’t nice. And, it’ll destroy your friendship.

You don’t remember – or know – what’s happening in your friend’s life. How did your friend’s dad’s open heart surgery go? When is her birthday? How old are her kids? What does she want to be when she grows up? What’s her biggest struggle? You don’t know what’s going on in your friend’s life because you don’t ask. Or listen.

You give back-handed compliments. “I love your new haircut! It makes your face seem so slim.” I’m sure you’ve received “compliments” like this. If you find yourself making snide remarks (and let’s face it, ladies, we’ve all done it), cut yourself a piece of humble pie and apologize immediately. You could even explain why you were snippy (my grandma’s word) with your friend. This example of a toxic female friend is from Kelli Zink, host  of CelebTV.com — and so is the next one…

You put your friend down in public. If you don’t save your criticisms for private discussions, then you may be the poison in a toxic female friendship. Sometimes we need to confront a friend’s bad behavior – but not in public (the same goes for married couples!).

You don’t call, you don’t write. This may not be a sign of a truly toxic friendship, but if you never reach out, then you’re not much of a friend. Being a good friend can involve a quick, simple “Hey – how are you? Haven’t talked in ages, was thinking about you today.” If you never think to call or email your friend, then you’re not carrying your end of the canoe, my friend.

You drain other people’s energy. Are you an energy vampire? This may be difficult to figure out on your own, but it’s a strong sign that you’re a toxic female friend. Energy vampires leave people feeling drained, depressed, and exhausted. They ignore boundaries and other people’s needs. Energy vampires can be “drama queens” — making the smallest incident a huge deal. If you’re an energy vampire…you’re also a toxic friend.

What have I missed about toxic female friendships? I’d love to hear your thoughts or questions below…

If you have wonderful friendships in your life, one way to celebrate them is to throw a Goddess party.

Related posts:

1. Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez
2. Healing Female Friendships – Michelle Obama
3. 5 Ways to Help a Friend With Breast Cancer – Suzanne Somers

 ”The easiest kind of relationship for me is with 10,000 people,” said Joan Baez. “The hardest is with one.”

Why are relationships with crowds of people easy? Because you don’t have to deal with the individual quirks – or toxic tendencies – of one individual. You don’t have to be vulnerable, honest, or understanding…and you don’t have to work things out.

For more info on female friendships, click on The Power of Female Friendship: How Your Circle of Friends Shapes Your Life by Paul Dobransky and L.A. Stamford. And, read on to learn how to cope with toxic female friendships…

The idea for this article came from one of my Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals readers, who asked how to confront her best friend’s destructive habits.

Signs of Toxic Female Friendships:

• You don’t discuss your successes for fear of jealousy, criticism, or negative feedback
• You make all the effort to stay in touch; she never calls, she never writes
• You leave your visits feeling deflated, exhausted, angry, or depressed
• You’re constantly “cleaning up” after your friend
• You lie for your friend
• Your friend gossips or spreads rumors (read Is Gossip Good for You? – Barbara Walters for info about gossip!)
• Your friend flirts with your boyfriend, husband, or life partner
• Your friend needs constant physical, spiritual, or emotional support
• You don’t respect or support how your friend is living her life
• You can’t be yourself in your friendship
• You dread taking her calls or spending time with her

Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez

Identify the problem. What exactly is “toxic” about your friendship? What bothers you or makes you wish things were different with your friend? More importantly — is it her…or is it you? Jealousy, envy, or dissatisfaction with your own life can lead you to blame or dislike others. If you’re jealous of her, read Making Envy Work for You – Helen Gurley Brown.

Decide how “big” the problem is. Some problems – such as a friend who is constantly late – may simply require you to tweak your own attitude (eg, bring a book, journal, or laptop when waiting for your friend, so you can use your time productively). Other problems – such as a friend who undermines your successes or who is critical or negative – are truly toxic and may require that you limit or cut off all contact.

Set your boundaries. Figure out what you need to do to “cleanse” your toxic female friendship. For instance, one of my closest friends struggled with my “no taking personal phone calls during the day” rule (I’m a home-based freelance writer, and people think the daytime is perfect for phone calls!). She kept saying things like “I would’ve called and talked to you about it, but you don’t take calls during the day.” Meow. I decided to let it go – she’s an amazing friend in every other way, so I was fine with this blip.

Stick to your boundaries. Though I felt like a jerk and questioned my own “no phone calls” rule, I stuck with it. I insisted on evening phone calls. It’s been two years since I started writing full-time from home, and my friend just told me how proud she is of me! She thinks it’s wonderful that I’m supporting myself as a writer, and she loves that I’m pursuing my dream. See how great she is? I had to set and stick to my boundaries – and it was worth it.

Decide how you want to live. If you want to be a successful woman, you need to surround yourself with successful women! If you have toxic female friends in your life, you can choose a different path – whether it’s cutting off contact or gently explaining what you need from your friendship (and listening to her perspective).

By the way, it’s not just in-person relationships that drive you towards or away from success; it’s the online discussions you read and participate in, the blogs you visit, the TV shows you watch, and the conversations you have. It’s everything you surround yourself with!

One more quotation from Joan Baez: “You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die,” she says. “Or when. You can decide how you’re going to live now.”

What did I miss? If you have any thoughts or questions on toxic female friendships, please comment below…

Related posts:

1. 5 Signs You’re a Toxic Female Friend – George Eliot
2. Healing Female Friendships – Michelle Obama
3. Coping With Negative Coworkers Who Drain Your Energy – Anais Nin

“The willingness to win OR lose moves us out of an adversarial relationship to life and into a powerful kind of openness,” writes Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen in Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal. “From such a position, we can make a greater commitment to life.”

Kitchen Table Wisdom is one of my all-time favorite books because it’s all about accepting — living and feeling – both the bitter and the sweet parts of life. There’s no doubt that life brings rejection, failure, heartache, disappointment, and pain…but it also brings success, healing, joy, fulfillment, love and laughter.

We — to be successful women – have to snuggle up to failure and increase our “bouncebackability” factor!

How to Fail and Bounce Back – Rachel Naomi Remen

Dr Remen is an oncologist who never married or had children. She struggled with Crohn’s Disease for most her life, and when she was in her 20s had surgery to remove most of her intestines. Remen knows failure and heartache…and she teaches people how to bounce back to live full, passionate lives.

“Joy seems to be part of an unconditional wish to live, not holding back because life may not meet our preferences and expectations,” writes Remen. “Joy seems to be a function of the willingness to accept the whole, and to show up to meet with whatever there is.”

To bounce back from failure,  let go of your attachment to a specific outcome. Work towards your goal of healing, achieving, or being — but be open to other paths! You’ll be surprised at how many roads to and forms of success exist. For instance, one of the magazines I often wrote for last year has suddenly collapsed…and poof! Just like that, one stream of income burbles down the drain. And, my agent recently reported that his top publishers for my See Jane Soar book have more or less all rejected my proposal. Sigh.

“Rather than the warrior who fights toward a specific outcome and therefore is haunted by the specter of failure and disappointment, it is the lover drunk with the opportunity to love despite the possibility of loss, the player for whom playing is more important that winning or losing,” writes Remen.

To bounce back from failure, trust your gut. For instance, at a party last week I was fascinated by a businesswoman. When she went to refresh her drink, I followed. Five minutes later, I discovered that her health company was looking for a freelance writer to interview doctors and write articles — and I’m a freelance writer who specializes in health articles! We exchanged cards. She’s not a publisher or the editor of a national magazine, but she’s a successful businesswoman – and together, we could achieve goals that we didn’t even know were possible.

To bounce back from failure, don’t fight with your life. Dance with it. To be a successful woman — and better yet, to enjoy your life — practice trusting your gut and following up on events or with people. Be curious about life and people, not stuck on the way things “should” be. Be open to taking new paths, not focused on what “should” happen.

Have you failed and bounced back? Do you let fear of failure (or success) paralyze you? In my writing career, I’ve received dozens of rejections from magazine editors, book publishers, and literary agents…and each rejection matters less.

Don’t be afraid to take a few knocks, my friends. They’ll make you stronger!

Related posts:

1. Turning Failure to Success for Female Entrepreneurs – Maya Angelou
2. 5 Ways to Learn From Your Mistakes – Ella Fitzgerald
3. Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong