First, a warning from Erma Bombeck:

“Marriage has no guarantees,” she said. “If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”

One guarantee is that your marriage will change over time – and sometimes it’ll be less healthy than others. Healthy couples get mad at each other – and because of that, they may live longer. Healthy couples seek hidden treasures, choose green battles, and let their individualities strengthen the marriage as a whole. Here are five simple habits for healthy marriages; for more in-depth tips, click The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert.

5 Habits of a Healthy Marriage – Erma Bombeck

“Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving,” says Bombeck. That’s not one gift you want to give your spouse – guilt is definitely not a habit of a healthy couple! But these are…

1. Learn to express anger, hurt, or frustration. An important part of married life is conflict resolution – and most couples aren’t trained to do this, says Ernest Harburg, professor emeritus at the University of Michigan. His research reveals that couples who suppress anger are twice as likely to face early death as those who express it. Getting mad without hurting your spouse is a healthy marriage habit that can improve your physical and emotional health. Related to this is your retaining a sense of personal identity when you’re in love.

2. Pick your green battles. Joining forces to affect your environment not only gives you a common goal and unites you as married couple, it’s good for the planet too. Choose an eco-battle together, such as adopting a nearby park and doing a weekly “garbage march.” Or plant a garden at home or in the community, focusing on organic fruits and veggies. Learn how to compost, and lighten the load in the landfills. Once your new behavior becomes a habit for your marriage, you can add another healthy habit – and soon you’ll be the greenest couple on the block!

3. End the day talking about your highs and lows. Make it a point to discuss the ups and downs in your marriage, family, and individual lives, and to look for the good in the bad. “During dinner we talk about what we enjoyed best and least that day,” says Tanya, a mother of three on Bowen Island, BC. “It’s a great way for our kids to listen to each other’s stories and problems, help find solutions, understand that we all experience ups and downs, relate to each other, laugh, and illustrate that life is like a rollercoaster.”

4. Make it a habit to volunteer as a married couple or family. “Contributing as a family not only helps [others], but it also strengthens the contributing family in the process,” writes Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. “Can you imagine the bonding, the sense of fulfillment, the sense of shared joy?” Volunteer opportunities include helping out annually at a camp for disabled kids, serving monthly at a food bank, or walking dogs weekly at an animal shelter.

5. Take risks and seek hidden treasure. A great habit for healthy marriages is trying new things together, such as juggling, geocaching for treasures, or making sushi. Psychology professor Leaf Van Boven from the University of Colorado explains why happiness is found in your life experiences (not your possessions). Experiences are open to positive reinterpretations, become a meaningful part of your identity, and contribute to successful relationships. When you experience something as a married couple – such as learning something new together – you build memories that you can reminisce and laugh about later. Those experiences unite you and become part of who you are as a married couple.

A final quotation about marriage from Erma Bombeck:

“People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife,” said Erma Bombeck. “The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.” If you’re still in the market for a good husband, you might find How to Find a Good Boyfriend Who Will Be a Loving Husband helpful!

What makes your marriage healthy? If you have any tips, I welcome you below!

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First, two quotations about divorce from strong women in history: Zsa Zsa Gabor and Margaret Atwood….

“I’m an excellent housekeeper,” said Zsa Zsa Gabor. “Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”

On a more serious note, Margaret Atwood said, “A divorce is like an amputation; you survive it, but there’s less of you.”

If you’re a woman considering divorce, you need to know the signs it’s time to leave your husband. Unhappy marriages often have solid indications that divorce is inevitable, according to Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Susan Pease Gadoua. Read the book for details, and check out these signs you should leave your husband…

Women Considering Divorce – Signs You Should Leave Your Husband

“There are certain factors that suggest a relationship is workable and salvageable,” writes Gadoua. “There are other factors in marriages that, if present, indicate a low probability that the relationship will be healthy or fulfilling. I call these workability factors.”

Here’s a list of Gadoua’s indications of unhappy marriages, specifically related to safety, love, and esteem needs (based on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs).

You might consider divorce if your safety needs aren’t being met because of…

• Lack of trust
• Pathological dishonesty
• Lack of mental, emotional, physical, or financial safety
• Abuse (read Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship for more info)
• No communication

You might work on saving the marriage if trust was broken but is reparable, if there’s a mutual desire to create a safe environment, if there is care, concern, and communication.

It may be time to leave your husband if these love needs aren’t being met:

• Absence of mutual love
• Infidelity
• No shared interests
• One or both spouses aren’t fully committed to the marriage
• One-sided relationship

If you’re considering divorce, you might think about saving your marriage if there is a foundation of mutual love, if both partners are willing to work through physical or emotional infidelity, and if both spouses are willing to recommit to staying married.

But remember: love doesn’t conquer all! You can love your husband with all your heart, but not be able to build a strong, happy marriage together – especially if you’ve lost your personal identity. The lack of romantic love may not always lead to divorce, and the presence of love doesn’t lead to a happy marriage. As Zsa Zsa Gabor said, “Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.”

You might consider divorce if your esteem needs aren’t being met because of…

• No esteem from self or spouse, and no desire to change
• No respect at all from spouse
• No common goals
• Unwillingness of at least one spouse to work on marriage

Does your marriage have a foundation of respect, some common goals, and a willingness to work on esteem and marriage issues on the part of both partners? If so, it might be worthwhile to try to save your marriage.

There are no quick and easy answers for women considering divorce – and even the surest signs that it may be time to leave your husband can be complicated and confusing.

“I’ve had countless clients tell me that they don’t want to divorce because they are afraid of losing the co-parenting relationship or their spouse’s income, only to eventually realize that they alone already carry the load of responsibilities,” says Gadoua. “The spouse doesn’t contribute to the marriage but, rather, takes from it.”

Sometimes, divorce for women leads to an easier, more liberated, happier life – especially if you’re leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship.

A final thought from Zsa Zsa Gabor:

“You never really know a man until you have divorced him.”

If you’re considering divorce and have questions or thoughts on these signs it’s time to leave your husband, please comment below…

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