Hear Jane Roar! » romantic relationships

Can Your Spouse Change? 5 Ways to Be More Happily Married

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 21:56:09 +0000

My readers often ask if their partners can change, and the answer is, “it depends.” These five ways to be more happily married focus on what a spouse can and can’t change, and are based on insights from a research psychologist and author.

“People cannot change their basic essence even if they try, and it is futile to demand that they do so,” says Andrew Christensen, a UCLA professor of psychology and author of Reconcilable Differences. “To love and marry someone, you must accept the essence of the other person; you must accept who he or she is. You can push for change at the periphery but not at the core. Marriage is a package deal. You don’t get a line-item veto over your partner’s personality, where you can discard the traits you don’t like.”

This psychologist wrote a practical guide for married couples – Reconcilable Differences – about conflict resolution and the desire to change a spouse’s personality, habits, and lifestyle. Here is some of his relationship advice…

Can Your Spouse Change? 5 Ways to Be More Happily Married

Married people are unlikely to change fundamental aspects of their personalities or beliefs, no matter how much their spouse demands it. But that doesn’t mean they can’t build a better relationship!

To keep the love alive in your marriage…

1. Recognize that conflict is part of being married. If you have no conflict in your marriage, then one or both of you aren’t being authentic! Somewhere along the way, your personal identity has been lost in your relationship. Being happily married isn’t about eliminating conflict, it’s about learning how to recover from arguments more quickly, reducing the number of disagreements that turn into full-blown fights, and minimizing the anger and resentment that often accompanies arguments.

2. Remember the sting of small slights. “The crimes of the heart are usually misdemeanors, even though they sometimes feel like felonies,” Christensen says. Couples fight about all kinds of things, but most the common are the “daily slights, inattentive acts and routine disrespects that hurt and anger us.” For example, a husband may show little interest when his wife talks about her day. Or, he may not feel like he’s getting enough affection from his wife. Those are the things that tear at the fabric of marriage.

3. Encourage and be grateful for small changes. Has your husband changed for the better over the years – even in little ways? Focus on the positive changes, and keep encouraging him. Positive reinforcement is a healthy marriage habit that can lead to huge changes! “Most of the change we seek in our relationships is gradual change in everyday behavior,” Christensen said. “Do more of the housework, spend more time with the kids, don’t be so critical, pay more attention when I talk to you, be more ambitious at work, put more energy into our relationship.” If your spouse is making the effort to change in small ways, don’t belittle him.

4. Remember that there are three sides to every story. Many married couples address conflict with “toxic cures,” including accusation, blame, coercion, defensiveness, avoidance and denial, writes Christensen in Reconcilable Differences. As a result, “we end up hurt, angry, defensive and frustrated — and our conflicts perpetuate themselves.” One of the best ways to resolve a marital conflict is to remember that there are often three sides to every story: yours, his and an outsider’s. To be more happily married, remember that spouses live their own truths, no matter how much they love their partner.

5. Seek couples counseling if your marriage is in trouble. “We know from many studies that marriage therapy can be beneficial to couples, although it certainly does not help all couples,” says Christiansen. “We also know distressed couples tend not to get better on their own.” Marriage problems don’t just go away by themselves. For couples therapy to work, both spouses have to be strongly committed to saving the marriage, and both need to be willing to do their share to work at the relationship and not just blame the other person.

“It takes only one person to end a marriage but two people to make it work,” says Christensen.

If you have any thoughts or questions on changing your spouse or being more happily married, please comment below…

Source: University of California – Los Angeles (2010, April 20). “Therapy can help even very distressed married couples, largest study finds.” ScienceDaily.

6 Ways to Retain a Sense of Self When You’re in Love – Susan B. Anthony

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 18:07:24 +0000

The danger of falling in love is that it can erode a woman’s personal identity and independence. Here, with inspiration from Susan B. Anthony, are several ways to retain your sense of self – whether you’ve been married for 20 years or are just starting a new romantic relationship.

Susan B. Anthony changed women’s liberation in 19^th century North America, and was largely responsible for achieving women’s suffrage and voting rights.

“Independence is happiness,” she said.

Actually, I think interdependence is happiness: a healthy balance of being needed and needing people. If you’re totally independent, you’re not uniting or bonding with anyone – you’re all alone. For more info about the tension between independence and interdependence, click Know Yourself: A Woman’s Guide to Wholeness, Radiance & Supreme Confidence. And, read on for several ways to keep your personal identity intact when you’re in love…

Retaining a Sense of Self When You’re in Love – Susan B. Anthony

Take professional and personal risks. “Cautious, careful people, always casting about to preserve their reputation and social standing, never can bring about a reform,” said Susan B. Anthony. “Those who are really in earnest must be willing to be anything or nothing in the world’s estimation.” You may not be reforming women’s voting rights, but you’re reforming your world when you stay independent as a woman and cultivate healthy interdependence! Independence involves taking risks and learning what you can and can’t do. The more risks you take in your career and personal life, the more you’ll learn about yourself and others…and the stronger your sense of self will be.

Stay financially solvent. There’s nothing more crippling than having no money (besides struggling with poor health or a chronic illness). Without money, your choices are limited and your independence is compromised. If you’re married, keep a separate bank account and build your own little nest egg. Make sure your assets as a couple are in your name as well as his – and keep your eye on the bills and outgoing expenses.

Embrace your age! “The older I get, the greater power I seem to have to help the world,” said Susan B. Anthony. “I am like a snowball – the further I am rolled the more I gain.” I love this quotation – Anthony was a successful woman who changed the world. She recognized that her age was a benefit, a strength, not something to hide or be ashamed of.

Stay physically healthy. Exercise and eating foods to sustain good health isn’t just about weight loss and better health. Staying fit increases self-esteem, strength, self-confidence, and independence for women. When you’re physically fit, you feel better about yourself – and you have a stronger sense of self.

Stay emotionally healthy. What books, people, events, Web sites, or things help you feel connected to yourself? For instance, I love Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Simple Abundance – just opening that book up to a random page makes me feel more focused and in touch with who I am as a woman. When you’re in love – especially in a new romantic relationship – make sure you’re not succumbing to unhealthy fears, insecurities, or anxieties.

Have a life outside your marriage or love relationship. Who are you, apart from being a girlfriend, wife, mother, sister, daughter, etc? What do you love to do? To stay independent as a woman, take time to do things apart from your boyfriend or husband. Stay in touch with your personal identity by tuning in to who you are as woman, not just as a partner.

If you’re new to the dating game, read How to Find a Good Boyfriend Who Will Be a Loving Husband.

And if you have any thoughts or questions about retaining a sense of self when you’re in love, please comment below!

Finding a Good Boyfriend – a Quips and Tips Article

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:48:03 +0000

Never underestimate the effect on your life of choosing the right man to marry! These tips for finding a good boyfriend who will be a loving husband are inspired by quotations from one successful woman…Cher.

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” ~ Cher.

When you’re dating a man, be tough, objective, and realistic. Don’t let your hopes for the future cloud your judgment – because marrying the wrong man (or finding yourself in an abusive relationship) can send you on a downward spiral that’s hard to get out of. To learn more about finding a good boyfriend and loving husband, click How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by Dr. John Van Epp. And, read on for six suggestions for choosing the right man to marry…

How to Find a Good Boyfriend Who Will Be a Loving Husband

Get emotionally, physically, spiritually, and professionally healthy. Where are you going and what do you want out of life – apart from wanting to marry the right guy? If you’re stuck in a cycle of depression, binge eating, financial debt, unhealthy family relationships, or addictions, then you need to get healthy before you think about a serious relationship.

Be open to meeting and dating different types of men. Take every opportunity to find a good boyfriend: accept blind dates from friends, meet your aunt’s neighbors, join hiking groups for singles, take classes through continuing education, join the singles group at church, and volunteer for different events and organizations. Good men are everywhere – you just have to get in their way!

Pay attention to red flags. If your boyfriend doesn’t let you visit his home, introduce you to his friends, treat you well, or spend money on you (and let you spend money on him), then you need to reevaluate the relationship. Red flags are anything that makes you wonder about his character or values. For instance, if you wouldn’t tell your best friend, mother, or sister about something your boyfriend has done, then it’s a red flag. Don’t turn a blind eye to those red flags – because they’ll get worse, not better.

Put your long-term happiness over your short-term goals. I didn’t get married until I was 35, and I would’ve fallen into a few unhappy marriages if I wasn’t saved by my boyfriends’ indifference to marrying me! I was so focused on my goal of getting married, I ignored the long-term perspective. To tune into your long-term happiness, ask yourself if you can live with your boyfriend exactly the way he is right now for the rest of your life. Be honest as you decide if he is the man you want to be married to for 20, 30, or 50 years.

Go beyond his appearance. Forget about his body, gorgeous eyes, charming smile, and large warm hands. Can you talk to him about life, love, relationships, spirituality, life goals, politics, and differing opinions? Does he help you feel cherished, loved, appreciated, and happy? Do you connect on all levels: professional, social, intellectual, spiritual? If you’re struggling to make conversation or discuss different opinions, remember that if he’s not a good boyfriend, he won’t be a loving husband.

Enjoy being single, meeting men, and dating. Having a boyfriend or loving husband is a wonderful part of life – but so is being single and dating! Learn to enjoy your single life; it has benefits that marriage doesn’t. Savor whatever stage of life you’re at – and recognize that you don’t need a man or marriage to be happy. A man can’t make you happy, no matter how good a boyfriend or loving a husband he is.

“I don’t need a man,” says Cher. “But I’m happier with one. I like to have someone I can touch and squeeze and kiss. But I don’t fold up and die if I don’t have a man around.”

If you’re in a relationship, don’t lose yourself in him. Read How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship for guidance.

Do you have any thoughts or comments on finding a good boyfriend – and marrying a loving husband? I welcome you below…

Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 16:33:27 +0000

The end of a relationship is especially difficult to overcome when you don’t know for sure why it ended! These ways to overcome an unexpected relationship breakup are based on a reader’s question on 10 Tips for Surviving a Breakup. These tips aren’t just for the end of romantic relationships – they include the end of friendships, too.

Here’s what Eleanor Roosevelt said about friendship:

“Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.”

When you’re healing from a relationship breakup, one of the most important things to do is not take it personally and stay friends with yourself – especially if the breakup was unexpected! For more relationship advice, click on Extreme Breakup Recovery by Jeanette Castelli. And, read on for my ways to overcome an unexpected relationship breakup…

Ways to Overcome an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt

Don’t take the breakup personally. The reason for the relationship breakup could have nothing to do with you! Maybe something happened in your friend or partner’s life that requires distance, such as depression, physical illness, or unresolved emotional issues. It’s important to remember that he or she has a whole inner life that you may not be privy to. Don’t berate yourself for the breakup, or over what you did or didn’t do.

Let go of feelings of unworthiness and inferiority. This is a deeper exploration of “don’t take things personally”: don’t let the unexpected breakup destroy your self-confidence or self-esteem. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” said Roosevelt. Accept your hurt and confusion about the end of the relationship or friendship, but don’t let it make you feel unworthy or inferior.

Ask what happened. It’s acceptable and even healthy to ask romantic partners or friends for reasons behind the relationship breakup, especially if it was unexpected. Did you not live up to their expectations? Did you offend them, or were you insensitive in some way? If you’re wondering if you were a “bad” friend, you might find Are You a Toxic Friend – George Eliot helpful. But remember — an unexpected end of a friendship does not mean you’re a toxic or bad friend!

Accept that you may never know why it happened. Your friend or partner may not be able to express the reasons for the relationship breakup. Maybe he or she doesn’t know why the relationship can’t continue, or can’t express it properly. Or, perhaps he or she simply doesn’t want to talk about it. To overcome an unexpected relationship breakup, you have to accept a possible lack of closure.

Prime the “resilience” pump! How “bouncebackable” are you? Resiliency is a key to being a successful woman who can overcome relationship breakups and forge healthy new relationships. Everyone faces failures, setbacks, and obstacles in friendships and romantic relationships. Successful women just keep getting up and trying again, that’s all! For tips on bouncing back, read 5 Ways to Build Resiliency – JK Rowling.

Choose to heal. The most effective way to overcome relationship breakup – besides letting time heal – is to make the choice to move on. The end of the friendship or relationship happened, and there may be nothing you can do about it. You need to choose to heal and overcome your feelings of loss, pain, and helplessness; it’s a choice you may need to make every day.

Soon, you’ll find your pain over the breakup to be less distracting or debilitating. You’ll remember the relationship, but won’t be as burdened by it.

One last quotation from Eleanor Roosevelt (not necessarily related to ending a relationship or friendship, but it’s a great thought!):

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway,” she said. “You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.”

What are your thoughts or questions on overcoming unexpected an relationship breakup? I welcome you below…

How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 21:31:05 +0000

The life lesson: a woman can lose her personal identity in a romantic relationship – and not realize it until it’s too late! The successful woman: George Eliot, a prolific writer who lived in the 1880’s. Her real name was Mary Anne Evans (she uses a male pen name so her work would be taken seriously).

George Eliot was a big believer in not losing yourself, in standing up for yourself, in following your heart, and in achieving your goals.

“Be courteous, be obliging, but don’t give yourself over to be melted down for the benefit of the tallow trade,” she said.

My friends, a long-term committed romantic relationship can be the best thing that ever happens to you. Or it can be the worst thing – if you lose your personal identity in that relationship. If you’re struggling with life, losing yourself, and figuring out who you are, click on This is Not the Life I Ordered: 50 Ways to Keep Your Head Above Water When Life Keeps Dragging You Down by Deborah Collins Stephens et al. It’s one of my favorite books on how to be authentic and successful.

And, read on to learn how not to lose your personality identity in a romantic relationship…

How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship

Realize when you’re “giving yourself over.” Healthy romantic relationships require compromise on both parts. To keep your personal identity, recognize when you’re acting on behalf of the relationship (such as going to boxing matches with your sweetie or making some sort of sacrifice) versus soaking up new likes or activities that aren’t who you are (such as taking on the “I love boxing!” mentality).

Spend time with your friends. Many women lose touch with their friends when they fall in love…it’s a normal part of the whole romantic relationship cycle! When you’re first falling in love, you spend more time with your lover. But, it’s important to balance that new, exciting part of your life with your “old” life: your friends and family. To keep your personality identity, keep your friends (if you struggle with toxic friends, read Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez).

Confess the bad bits to your friends and family. I’ve dated men who had personality and character traits that I could not tell my friends and family about! I was embarrassed and even ashamed that the man I was in a romantic relationship with had those traits…so I didn’t tell anyone about them. That, my friends, is one way to lose your personal identity in a romantic relationship. To stay connected to who you are, talk about the things that bother you about your boyfriend and your relationship. Force yourself to be honest and real.

Listen to the poet Rumi, and “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” In the first blush of love, you want to be together all the time! Stop that. Take a step back. Tune into your heart and soul, and make sure you’re staying connected to who you are. Think about who this man is and what you want out of life…are they compatible? Make decisions about your relationship with both your head and your heart…not just your heart.

If you’ve lost yourself or your personal identity in a relationship, find hope and inspiration in George Eliot’s words: “It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”

What do you think of these suggestions for not losing your identity in a romantic relationship? I welcome your comments below…and if you want to find who you are after losing yourself in a relationship, let me know! I’d be happy to write that article.