“It isn’t where you came from, it’s where you’re going that counts.” ~ Ella Fitzgerald.

But, where you came from can teach you so much about where you’re going – and how to get there! If you keep making the same old mistakes, read Blind Spots: Why Smart People Do Dumb Things. And here, are five ways to learn from your mistakes…

5 Ways to Learn From Your Mistakes – Ella Fitzgerald

1. Look for the blessings in disguise. I’m a full-time freelance writer; one of the hidden blessings of my job is all the rejections I get! I get rejected by editors, publishers, literary agents, clients, and even other bloggers. And I make a ton of mistakes – sometimes I misspell an editor’s name in a query letter, write articles that aren’t exactly snappy, and neglect to prepare for interviews. But, those mistakes are teaching me that it’s okay to drop the ball and everything will be fine. The older I get, the more I realize that success is about learning how to fail and bounce back.

2. Refuse to be ashamed of your mistakes. Confucius says a mistake is only a mistake until you become ashamed of it…and then it’s a crime. If you’ve made a mistake that you desperately wish you hadn’t, then you need to find a way to let go of it. Talk to a counselor or life coach, read books about letting go of regret, or enroll in a class about self-acceptance and self-esteem. Don’t let your mistake trap you in fear, guilt, shame, or regret! Ella Fitgerald says, “Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.”

3. Remember that you did the best you could. This is one of my favorite life lessons: we make the best decisions we can, based on who we are and what we know at any given time. Sure, we can look back and kick ourselves for not doing something differently, because hindsight is 20/20. But, the best way to learn from our mistakes is to tell ourselves that we’re doing the best we can, given our personalities, experiences, and situation. We did the best we could ten years ago, and we’re doing the best we can today.

4. Ask for objective feedback, and do some self-assessment. What could you have done better, or differently? What do you know now that you didn’t know then? You won’t build resiliency or “bounce-back-ability” by burying your mistakes. Instead, ask someone you trust for objective feedback about your actions. Tell them not to sugarcoat the truth: you want to know how to be more successful next time!

5. Figure out the hitch in your glitch. Successful women achieve their goals by learning from past mistakes, because they figure out what does and does not work for them. Learning why the mistake happened – or keeps happening – will prevent it from happening in the future. Are you being sabotaged? Are you lazy? Are you dealing with some serious health issues or life problems? Figuring out the root of the problem is a great way to overcome past mistakes.

Here’s what Lucille Ball said about Ella Fitzgerald’s mistakes: “Ella’s amazing! My daughter says that every time she makes a mistake, it becomes a hit record.”

Remember that your mistakes can become your greatest hits…as long as you don’t bury or hide from them!

If you have any thoughts or questions on learning from your mistakes, please comment below…

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“The trick is not how much pain you feel – but how much joy you feel,” says Jong. “Any idiot can feel pain. Life is full of excuses to feel pain, excuses not to live, excuses, excuses, excuses.”

Shame and guilt are great excuses for denying yourself happiness and a full life! If you’re paralyzed with regrets about your past, I encourage you to find ways to move forward. Click on Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw for help, and read on for advice and research about overcoming shame and guilt…

Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong

Moving beyond the painful, paralyzing emotions of shame and guilt is not easy – but there is hope, my friends, for making mistakes and moving on! University of Alberta researcher Jessica Van Vliet studied these emotions and found specific things that help with overcoming shame and guilt.

First: realize that shame and guilt can improve your life. “Shame can prompt us to make changes that will help protect our relationships and also preserve the fabric of society. It’s important to emphasize that shame is essential and has value,” said Van Vliet. “The problem is when people get paralyzed with shame and withdraw from others. Not only can this create mental health problems for people, but also they no longer contribute as fully to society.”

How shame and guilt damages your health and well-being. Women who feel debilitated by shame tend to internalize and over-personalize the situation. They also seem resigned to being unable to change their feelings or their fate – and don’t allow themselves to believe that overcoming shame and guilt is possible. They don’t let themselves overcome failure and bounce back.

“When people experience shame, they may say to themselves ‘I’m to blame, it’s all my fault, all of me is bad, and there’s nothing I can do to change the situation,’” said Van Vliet. “They identify so much with shame that it takes over their entire view of themselves. That leads to an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness.”

Overcoming shame and guilt involves going to the dark place. Erica Jong says, “Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.” I think the “dark place” can be found in many situations and is different for all women. When it comes to talent, the dark place can be feeling selfish, or forcing self-discipline to stay motivated to pursue your dreams. When it comes to shame and guilt, the dark place can be sitting with and accepting those terrible feelings.

Step back from the problem. A key to overcoming shame and guilt involves view your problem in a different, objective light. It helps to identify external factors that contributed to your actions or situation (discrimination or peer pressure, for example) and differentiate between being a bad person versus doing something bad.

“When people move from a sense of uncontrollability to the belief that maybe there’s something they can do about their situation, such as apologizing or making amends for their actions, it starts increasing a sense of hope for the future,” says Van Vliet.

Connect with friends, family, a higher power, or humanity as a whole. “Connecting to others helps to increase self-acceptance, and with self-acceptance can come a greater acceptance of other people as well,” says Van Vliet. “People start to realize that it’s not just them. Other people do things that are as bad or even worse sometimes so they’re not the worst person on the planet. They start to say to themselves, ‘This is human, I am human, others are human.’”

Do you find the thought of overcoming shame and guilt scary or risky? Remember…“if you don’t risk anything you risk even more,” says Erica Jong.

I welcome your thoughts and questions on overcoming shame and guilt below…and if you found this article helpful, you might be interested in How to Fail and Bounce Back – Rachel Naomi Remen.

Source: University of Alberta (2009, September 9).” Overcoming Shame: Making Connections Is The Key, Says Researcher.” Van Vliet’s study was published in Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, and Practice.

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The life lesson: knowing how to make mistakes and move on will make you healthier, happier, and more successful (no more feelings of guilt and shame!). The successful woman: Brenda Ueland — a  prolific writer, strong woman in history, and all-round self-confident dame.

We women are “too ready not to stand by what we have said or done,” says Ueland. “It is so conceited and timid to be ashamed of one’s mistakes. Of course they are mistakes. Go on to the next.”

I love this because I tend to berate myself endlessly for mistakes! If you’re the same way, you might find John Maxwell’s Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes Into Stepping Stones for Success helpful (click on the image for more info). And, read on for my tips on making mistakes and moving on, inspired by Brenda Ueland.

Making Mistakes and Moving On – Brenda Ueland

Figure out why it’s conceited to be ashamed of your mistakes. How do you interpret Ueland’s statement that it’s conceited to be ashamed of your mistakes? To me, that means we put too much emphasis on the importance of ourselves and our mistakes. Dwelling on the mistakes we’ve made, instead of bouncing back to push forward, means we’re focused on our own selves instead of what’s going on around us.

Practice “moving on” for one month. Making mistakes and moving on is harder than it sounds, but I encourage you (and me!) to try it for one month. Every time that critical inner voice berates and castigates you for making a mistake, practice accepting that you’re human, remembering what you learned from that mistake, and shaking it off. If you need help conquering that nasty inner voice, read 5 Tips for Taming Your Inner Critic (written by Gini Grey, a frequent contributor to the comments here on See Jane Soar!). 

Hold on to a successful woman who made mistakes and moved on. Learn from strong women in history like Eleanor Roosevelt or Amelia Earhart – or from a woman in your own life! When I worked with Big Brothers and Big Sisters in Calgary, our public relations person made a grievous error in the quarterly newsletter. She accidentally published the name of an individual who made a significant donation to the organization; his only stipulation was that he remain anonymous. She didn’t realize her error until the newsletter was published and distributed to thousands of people; she had to call him and eat some serious humble pie. I’ll never forget how balanced she was! She tempered her deep regret for her mistake with a healthy dose of “this too, shall pass.” She had the self-confidence, self-acceptance, resilience, and experience to know that she made a mistake. She needed to move on.

What was the last or most memorable mistake you made — and have you moved on? Don’t cower and don’t be timid, my friends. Above all, don’t be ashamed. You may have messed up — we all do — but it’s over. Let it go.

And remember: “Since you are like no other being ever created since the beginning of time, you are incomparable,” says Brenda Ueland.

What are your thoughts about making mistakes and moving on? I welcome your comments below!

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1. 5 Ways to Learn From Your Mistakes – Ella Fitzgerald
2. Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong
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Morissette knows what she wants out of life – which means she’s on her way to getting it.

“Down the road I would love to have a full-blown family, but I am nowhere near ready to be married,” she said in Chatelaine, April 2008. “I have a ways to go before I am emotionally mature enough to sustain a healthy connection. I’m too much of a kid still, but I’m growing up. And I mean that in a positive way.”

Morissette is perfect example of See Jane Soar: a Canadian rock star who has reinvented herself several times. She’s gone from “mall-rat pop princess” to spiritual seeker, and she is the inspiration for these strategies for life success. For more info on getting what you want out of life, click on Creating Your Destiny: How to Get What You Want Out of Life by Patrick Snow.

5 Strategies for Life Success – Alanis Morissette

1. Enjoy your past achievements. Getting an education, finding the right job, raising your kids, or surviving a health crisis are steps to success in the future. The first strategy for life success involves reminding yourself of how far you’ve come and what you’ve survived. Use that knowledge to help you get what you want out of life!

2. Learn from your failures. If your relationships keep ending in disaster, be honest with yourself or go into counseling to find the truth. If you didn’t lose weight on one diet, try a new fitness routine (and read 6 Ways to Increase Weight Loss Motivation – Martha Beck). If you didn’t get hired for the first few jobs you applied for, figure out why. The second strategy for life success involves not ignoring your mistakes and failures! Let your past guide your current decisions.

3. Break your goal down into small steps. Whether you want to get a medical degree or welding ticket – break your goal down into smaller, easily accomplished steps. Get information. Collect applications. Put feelers out. This third strategy for life success involves taking action to avoid feelings of being overwhelmed and scared.

4. Tweak or abandon what isn’t working. You can’t get what you never had by doing what you’ve always done, my friend! How are you contributing to a situation you dislike? You can’t control other people’s behavior, but you can change what you’re doing. The fourth strategy for life success is about replacing what isn’t working with new (sometimes scary) behaviors. Or, take Alanis Morissette’s cue and put some life goals on hold until you’re ready to handle them.

5. Envision what you really want. The final strategy for life success involves visualization. Picture where you want to be: honored by your partner, earning a decent income, standing up for yourself. What you envision, you will achieve! Focus on getting what you want out of life – not what you don’t want. For more motivation, read Getting What You Want Out of Life – Angelina Jolie.

A final word from Alanis Morissette: “This is about as happy as I think I’ve ever been in my whole life. So much has to do with being able to take care of myself. Before I was looking outward. Now I know there is no way anyone else can parent me or love me in the way I have to do. There is a peace that comes with that for me.”

What do you think of these strategies for life success? I welcome your big and little thoughts below…

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The life lesson: the most successful women in history are the ones who failed the most. The successful woman: JK Rowling! These five ways to build resiliency are inspired by Rowling’s Commencement Address at Harvard, called “The Fringe Benefits of Failure.” 

First, my favorite quotation about failure from Samuel Beckett:

“Ever tried, ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

To Jane soar, you need to build resiliency and use your failures as springboards to bigger, better things. Read on for five ways to build resiliency, inspired by JK Rowling. And, click on John Maxwell’s Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes Into Stepping Stones for Success for more in-depth info on rising like a phoenix from the ashes!

5 Ways to Build Resiliency – JK Rowling

“Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged,” said Rowling at the Annual Meeting of the Harvard Alumni Association. “I was set free [by failure], because my greatest fear had already been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

Building resiliency and overcoming failure is the biggest predictor of success at work, home, and in life in general.

1. Rebuild yourself. Failure isn’t a fatal flaw that renders you helpless and unhappy. It’s not a permanent condition. It doesn’t make you less worthy, less intelligent, or less capable. Failure isn’t who you are. It’s simply an event. How you cope with it – not the failure itself – is what determines your future as a successful woman. To build resiliency, accept that you’ll often be rebuilding your self, your business, your life.

2. Stop and think. Figure out exactly what caused the failure: Did the location of your business lead you to bankruptcy? Were you fired because you weren’t focused? Be honest and specific. To build resiliency, accept your mistakes and take responsibility.

3. Regain control. Once you know what went wrong, don’t make the same mistakes. You’re not doomed to repeat history unless you’re unaware of it! Ask yourself what you did right with your kids, your partner, your work, and savor your successes. To build resilience, take back control. 

4. Connect. To build resiliency, talk to successful women who survived similar situations. Find out what worked. What would they do differently? Compare stories. The more you hide the worse you’ll feel; be honest about your mistakes and regrets.

5. Adjust your perspective. “I actually consider my failure to become a feature film director as the beginning of what I consider a saner and more successful life,” says award-winning Bert Salzman. To build resiliency, adjust your perspective of what being a successful woman means. 

“The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive,” said Rowling. “You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more to me than any qualification I ever earned.”

What do you think of these ways to build resiliency? I welcome your comments below!

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The life lesson: some women hide from happiness by staying in bad relationships, binge eating Ding Dongs and Fritos, or ignoring their gut instincts. The successful woman who drives this life lesson (and many others) home: Dr Laura Schlessinger.

I haven’t listened to Dr Laura in ages, but I did flip through her Stop Whining, Start Living book recently. Her “are you hiding from happiness?” question can open a Pandora’s box of questions.

The idea of hiding from happiness seems a little crazy, and we’re all quick to say “NO – of course I’m not hiding from happiness – you must be mad!” But I get so many sad questions on my “addictive relationships” and “cheating spouses” articles…it really does seem like women are hiding from happiness.

Hiding From Happiness – Dr Laura Schlessinger

Life lesson: it’s easier to hide from happiness by staying in unhealthy relationships, bad jobs, horrible apartments, and ugly cities than it is to take a risk and live a fulfilling life.

In Stop Whining, Dr Laura described her caller, Jane, who was living with a man for 12 years who refused to marry her or even consummate their relationship. “Jane represents a lot of you who are terribly determined to avid risk,” writes Dr Laura. “You stay with the pain you know and avoid the possibility of joys, for the pains they might bring with them.”

Life lesson #2: If you have the same problem now that you did six months or six years ago – then you’re not solving with your problems. The Jane that Dr Laura was talking to didn’t solve her problem for 12 whole years. Don’t be that Jane, my gal pals.

What problem do you have, that’s lasted for years? I’ve been ramming my head against the “please publish my book because it’s amazing” wall for years and years now…and I’m tired of getting rejection after rejection! If I am hiding from happiness, it’s by not learning to be a better writer or researching the market so I can come up with better book ideas.

Question for Dr Laura – or you! How do you know if you’re hiding from happiness?

How have you solved a long-term problem? I decided to get a literary agent, since it wasn’t working to pitch publishers on my own. And I’m pitching him new book ideas all the time – because I know that sooner or letter, one will make me a bestselling author! (it’s taking a lifetime, but I’ll get there).

For more info on Dr Laura Schlessinger, go to DrLaura.com.

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The life lesson: giving people the benefit of the doubt can further your career and personal relationships! The successful woman: First Lady, Michelle Obama – who explained to Oprah why she now gives people the benefit of the doubt. 

“I think we should all have to get to know one another around kitchen tables,” said Michelle Obama to Oprah Winfrey in the April 2009 issue of O Magazine. “[The campaign trail] changed me. It’s helped me to give other people the benefit of the doubt.”

When was the last time you gave someone the benefit of the doubt? Me, I’m sometimes more likely to give strangers in traffic the benefit of the doubt than my own husband…which can be really destructive in a marriage! Giving people the benefit of the doubt can reduce your stress, improve your marriage, and increase your acceptance of yourself.

Here’s why Michelle Obama’s offhand comment is so important to successful living for women…and if you want to read her biography, click on Michelle: A Biography by Liza Mundy.

Giving People the Benefit of the Doubt – Michelle Obama

Giving people the benefit of the doubt means not assuming they’re out to get out, insulting you, or deliberately trying to make you fail. As Gene Fowler said, “Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.”

Here’s why Michelle Obama is now more likely to give people the benefit of the doubt:

“We fundamentally want the same things for ourselves and for each other,” she says. “We want our kids to be safe and to grow up with some resources and aspire to a slightly better life than ours. No one’s looking for a handout. People just want fairness and opportunity.”

(Brief aside: How can Michelle and Barack Obama’s kids EVER have a better life than their parents?! Seems pretty near impossible to me….I guess it depends how you define “better.”)

The benefit of the doubt stops the “us versus them” mentality. Say your boss slights you at work or your neighbor doesn’t invite you to her wedding. Let it go, instead of blowing it out of proportion – which leads to worse problems! If you’re prone to assigning reasons for people’s behavior, then think up one good reason for every bad one (eg, “My neighbor can’t afford to invite everyone – it might be a small wedding,” for every “She didn’t invite me because she doesn’t like my boyfriend.”).

The benefit of the doubt reduces stress. My beloved hubby sometimes gets furious in traffic, and resorts to name-calling and huge increases of blood pressure! It’s not just unhealthy for him, it stresses me out – and if we had kids, they’d be picking up on it too. Instead of getting aggravated, give people the benefit of the doubt by assuming they’re in a hurry, distracted for a legitimate reason, or don’t realize that they just cut you off.

The benefit of the doubt raises levels of self and other-acceptance. As the eminently successful Michelle Obama said, we all want the same basic things out of life.  The more we accept that people make mistakes or act without thinking of the consequences, the more we’ll be able to accept ourselves. And the more we accept ourselves, the more we’ll succeed! Accepting ourselves means bouncing back from mistakes faster and living with our own weaknesses…which spirals back to living peacefully with others, and living with their weaknesses.

The best time to give the benefit of the doubt is in traffic! If you assume that idiot driver who just cut you off is late for something important, has to pee like you wouldn’t believe, or just found out that his/her mom had a heart attack…it changes how you react. Which decreases your stress level, and leaves you feeling happier. Don’t you think?

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The “See Jane Soar” life lesson: the more real and authentic you are, the more people will like and respect you. Love you, even! The successful woman: Diana, Princess of Wales.

She was authentic about her eating disorder, personality, and marriage:

“There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded,” said Princess Diana.

You’ll probably need less than three guesses to nail who Diana was referring to (and no, it wasn’t Queen Elizabeth – though it could have been! The Queen was a huge influence in Diana’s marriage to Prince Charles).

Here how to be authentic, with lessons from Princess Diana’s life – including bits from her marriage, eating disorder, and self-identity. Believe it or not, her self-identity was sometimes shaky…and she thought she was “thick as a plank”…and, click on Conspiracy? Princess Diana (History Channel) for more in-depth info on her life and death.

How to Be Authentic – Diana, Princess of Wales

1. Face the worst parts. The third person in Princess Diana’s marriage wasn’t her mother-in-law, Queen Elizabeth. It was Camilla Parker Bowles, who was Prince Charles’ first love, who contributed to the royal divorce, and whom he married eight years after Princess Diana’s death. I don’t know when Princess Diana accepted that her marriage was on the rocks…but the sooner you accept the worst parts of your life, the sooner you can deal with it.

2. Share your experience. It wasn’t just Princess Diana’s fairy tale royal wedding, rocky marriage and personal struggles that made her the world’s most famous Briton. It wasn’t just her charity work or similarity to Mother Teresa. Her fame flourished because she broke through the traditional British habits of reservation, unexpressed emotions, and stoic suffering. Princess Diana gave British people permission to reveal their humanity – because she revealed hers. To be authentic, respected, and liked, you need to share what you really think, need, and want.

3. Admit your mistakes, failures, and regrets. Princess Diana blushed. She called herself “thick as a plank.” She admitted her bulimia, depression, jealousy and feelings of isolation. Princess Diana found an affinity with drug addicts, alcoholics, and abused people because of their honesty and vulnerability. They were real people living real lives, and she was drawn to that. A lesson in living authentically from Princess Diana’s life is to admit your worst traits.

“People thought they knew her because she shared her thoughts and feelings, which no one in her position had ever done before,” said Ingrid Seward, author of The Queen and Di: The Untold Story.

4. Celebrate your achievements! Princess Diana helped modernize the monarchy – which is now more popular than ever before. She increased AIDS awareness, united opposition to land mines, and built charities. She literally touched and hugged the people she met, whether they were physically battered or dying from AIDS.

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair said, “Diana taught us a new way to be British.”

Princess Diana didn’t set out to teach Britons a new way to be British. She was simply authentic – which is easier said than done – and was loved by millions because she was real.

How can you spot an authentic woman?

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