“People cannot change their basic essence even if they try, and it is futile to demand that they do so,” says Andrew Christensen, a UCLA professor of psychology and author of Reconcilable Differences. “To love and marry someone, you must accept the essence of the other person; you must accept who he or she is. You can push for change at the periphery but not at the core. Marriage is a package deal. You don’t get a line-item veto over your partner’s personality, where you can discard the traits you don’t like.”

This psychologist wrote a practical guide for married couples – Reconcilable Differences – about conflict resolution and the desire to change a spouse’s personality, habits, and lifestyle. Here is some of his relationship advice…

Can Your Spouse Change? 5 Ways to Be More Happily Married

Married people are unlikely to change fundamental aspects of their personalities or beliefs, no matter how much their spouse demands it. But that doesn’t mean they can’t build a better relationship!

To keep the love alive in your marriage…

1. Recognize that conflict is part of being married. If you have no conflict in your marriage, then one or both of you aren’t being authentic! Somewhere along the way, your personal identity has been lost in your relationship. Being happily married isn’t about eliminating conflict, it’s about learning how to recover from arguments more quickly, reducing the number of disagreements that turn into full-blown fights, and minimizing the anger and resentment that often accompanies arguments.

2. Remember the sting of small slights. “The crimes of the heart are usually misdemeanors, even though they sometimes feel like felonies,” Christensen says. Couples fight about all kinds of things, but most the common are the “daily slights, inattentive acts and routine disrespects that hurt and anger us.” For example, a husband may show little interest when his wife talks about her day. Or, he may not feel like he’s getting enough affection from his wife. Those are the things that tear at the fabric of marriage.

3. Encourage and be grateful for small changes. Has your husband changed for the better over the years – even in little ways? Focus on the positive changes, and keep encouraging him. Positive reinforcement is a healthy marriage habit that can lead to huge changes! “Most of the change we seek in our relationships is gradual change in everyday behavior,” Christensen said. “Do more of the housework, spend more time with the kids, don’t be so critical, pay more attention when I talk to you, be more ambitious at work, put more energy into our relationship.” If your spouse is making the effort to change in small ways, don’t belittle him.

4. Remember that there are three sides to every story.  Many married couples address conflict with “toxic cures,” including accusation, blame, coercion, defensiveness, avoidance and denial, writes Christensen in Reconcilable Differences. As a result, “we end up hurt, angry, defensive and frustrated — and our conflicts perpetuate themselves.” One of the best ways to resolve a marital conflict is to remember that there are often three sides to every story: yours, his and an outsider’s. To be more happily married, remember that spouses live their own truths, no matter how much they love their partner.

5. Seek couples counseling if your marriage is in trouble. “We know from many studies that marriage therapy can be beneficial to couples, although it certainly does not help all couples,” says Christiansen. “We also know distressed couples tend not to get better on their own.” Marriage problems don’t just go away by themselves. For couples therapy to work, both spouses have to be strongly committed to saving the marriage, and both need to be willing to do their share to work at the relationship and not just blame the other person.

“It takes only one person to end a marriage but two people to make it work,” says Christensen.

If you have any thoughts or questions on changing your spouse or being more happily married, please comment below…

Source: University of California – Los Angeles (2010, April 20). “Therapy can help even very distressed married couples, largest study finds.” ScienceDaily.

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Here’s what Steve said on my Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair article on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals. He had an internet affair and wants to know how to save his marriage:

“I love my wife and kids so much. I would normally say I’m a great husband and father. I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I want to be with my wife and kids. Do I have a chance of saving my marriage and life? After reading about emotional affairs and doing some soul searching I realize I have emotionally cheated and betrayed my wife. I broke her trust. How do I save our marriage?”

Below are a few suggestions for overcoming online relationships that can destroy marriages, plus advice on how to survive an internet affair from a woman who is trying to save her own marriage. She read and recommends the book Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli — click on the cover for information.

Online Relationships – How to Survive an Internet Affair

If you’ve had an online relationship or internet affair, here are some ways to rebuild your marriage…

Figure out what your partner needs, and give it to her! Does she want couples counseling? Does she want full access to work email? Does she want you to go into individual counseling? Does she need a weekend alone to think about it? Does she want a divorce or separation? Whatever she needs, do your best to meet her needs. And remember — it takes time to rebuild trust. After some time passes, she probably won’t need to keep checking up or need continual reassurance that you’re genuinely sorry and love her above everyone else.

Go into marriage counseling of your own accord. Women are often very impressed by men who are willing to delve into their emotions and feelings without being forced into it. Plus, you’ll benefit emotionally and mentally from figuring out why you had the internet affair.

Find resources about surviving online relationships to show your wife that you’re serious about saving your marriage. Read books about surviving internet affairs, or find out if there are any weekend retreats or support groups for couples. I’m not suggesting you do this just for show — do it for real!

And, here’s advice from a reader – her husband had an online relationship for years a younger woman.

“I discovered the affair by accident, and it pulled the rug out from underneath me. I was in shock for about two weeks, angry and depressed. I found it hard to concentrate on anything. If you are lucky enough to have therapy through your insurance at work, I highly advise talking to a marriage counselor.”

Figure out why the internet relationship happened. There was a payoff for your behavior and you need to know exactly what it was. Find ways to get your needs met from your wife. Unless your marriage is over, she needs to decide that your relationship is worth saving and to learn to trust you again.

Remember that your partner feels terrible. “She is blaming herself and feeling bad about herself,” says my reader. “She is wondering who this other woman is, if she is prettier, smarter, or more loving. She’s kicking herself.”

After an online affair, the best thing you can do is to come clean, apologize, tell her that you are there for her, get counseling, hold her when she cries, hold her when she throws things at you, and be patient. It can take a LONG time for her to feel better about herself and marriage, and to trust you. And maybe even learn to love you again. Healing is not going to happen overnight.

Healing takes time and understanding. For advice from a marriage counselor, click The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It by M. Gary Neuman — he’s currently working on a book about why women are unfaithful.

If you have any thoughts or questions about online relationships and surviving internet affairs, please comment below…

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