“The trick is not how much pain you feel – but how much joy you feel,” says Jong. “Any idiot can feel pain. Life is full of excuses to feel pain, excuses not to live, excuses, excuses, excuses.”

Shame and guilt are great excuses for denying yourself happiness and a full life! If you’re paralyzed with regrets about your past, I encourage you to find ways to move forward. Click on Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw for help, and read on for advice and research about overcoming shame and guilt…

Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong

Moving beyond the painful, paralyzing emotions of shame and guilt is not easy – but there is hope, my friends, for making mistakes and moving on! University of Alberta researcher Jessica Van Vliet studied these emotions and found specific things that help with overcoming shame and guilt.

First: realize that shame and guilt can improve your life. “Shame can prompt us to make changes that will help protect our relationships and also preserve the fabric of society. It’s important to emphasize that shame is essential and has value,” said Van Vliet. “The problem is when people get paralyzed with shame and withdraw from others. Not only can this create mental health problems for people, but also they no longer contribute as fully to society.”

How shame and guilt damages your health and well-being. Women who feel debilitated by shame tend to internalize and over-personalize the situation. They also seem resigned to being unable to change their feelings or their fate – and don’t allow themselves to believe that overcoming shame and guilt is possible. They don’t let themselves overcome failure and bounce back.

“When people experience shame, they may say to themselves ‘I’m to blame, it’s all my fault, all of me is bad, and there’s nothing I can do to change the situation,’” said Van Vliet. “They identify so much with shame that it takes over their entire view of themselves. That leads to an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness.”

Overcoming shame and guilt involves going to the dark place. Erica Jong says, “Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.” I think the “dark place” can be found in many situations and is different for all women. When it comes to talent, the dark place can be feeling selfish, or forcing self-discipline to stay motivated to pursue your dreams. When it comes to shame and guilt, the dark place can be sitting with and accepting those terrible feelings.

Step back from the problem. A key to overcoming shame and guilt involves view your problem in a different, objective light. It helps to identify external factors that contributed to your actions or situation (discrimination or peer pressure, for example) and differentiate between being a bad person versus doing something bad.

“When people move from a sense of uncontrollability to the belief that maybe there’s something they can do about their situation, such as apologizing or making amends for their actions, it starts increasing a sense of hope for the future,” says Van Vliet.

Connect with friends, family, a higher power, or humanity as a whole. “Connecting to others helps to increase self-acceptance, and with self-acceptance can come a greater acceptance of other people as well,” says Van Vliet. “People start to realize that it’s not just them. Other people do things that are as bad or even worse sometimes so they’re not the worst person on the planet. They start to say to themselves, ‘This is human, I am human, others are human.’”

Do you find the thought of overcoming shame and guilt scary or risky? Remember…“if you don’t risk anything you risk even more,” says Erica Jong.

I welcome your thoughts and questions on overcoming shame and guilt below…and if you found this article helpful, you might be interested in How to Fail and Bounce Back – Rachel Naomi Remen.

Source: University of Alberta (2009, September 9).” Overcoming Shame: Making Connections Is The Key, Says Researcher.” Van Vliet’s study was published in Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, and Practice.

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Maria Shriver’s mom, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, founded the Special Olympics. Her dad, Sargent Shriver, founded the Peace Corps. Before she became a journalist and writer, Maria Shriver felt enormous pressure to achieve and succeed! She has four kids with husband and governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Here’s what Shriver told Oprah Winfrey about letting go of the roles you play and finding your self-identity. To learn more about self-identity and authenticity, read Just Who Will You Be? Big Question. Little Book. Answer Within.

Secrets of Successful Women – 6 Life Lessons From Maria Shriver

“I was raised in a family that equated self-worth with personal achievement…if you weren’t accomplishing big, then you were being. You weren’t even seen,” said Maria Shriver. “Being seen for who you are – not what you do – is the greatest gift anyone can give you. The greatest gift I can give to my children is to live my own life.”

1. Accept that letting go of other people’s expectations is a process. You won’t be able to let go of other people’s expectations – or your own expectations of yourself – overnight. Letting go of the roles you play and finding your self-identity is a process that can take years. Shriver said she exhausted herself with her phenomenally fast-paced life, and she’s finally learning to dial it back, and just be with her children.

2. Know that your life doesn’t have to be defined by the roles you’ve been playing. You may be a wife, a mother, a doctor, a daughter-in-law, a pastor’s daughter – but that doesn’t define your life. “Just who will you be?” asks Shriver. You have the freedom to figure out who you’re going to be in your life – what hats you want to wear, and what hats you want to hang up for good.

3. Let yourself cry and rend your clothes. “It’s extremely liberating, that I cry,” said Shriver. “My mother was very tough.” Instead of swallowing your emotions or overeating to avoid them, let yourself cry, get angry, be sad, and put yourself first. This secret for successful women involves expressing your emotions, finding the courage become who you want to be, and keeping your self-identity intact.

4. Be kind to yourself. “I’ve found a new kindness and a new gentleness with myself,” said Shriver at an annual woman’s conference in California. She described how she nursed her sick mother — and how that changed her from being tough and aggressive to kind and compassionate. “I’ve realized I can be different. The best thing I could do for my mother is to mother her.” Shriver says she likes herself better when she’s gentle to herself and to others around her.

5. Know you’re not alone. “All of us will go through a time when we’re stuck, alone, and afraid,” said Shriver. Remember that you’re not emotionally or spiritually alone even if you are physically alone! Other women (even successful, famous women) have struggled and survived before you, and other women will come after you. This secret is about connecting with and gaining strength from women even if you don’t know them.

6. It’s never too late — no matter how old you are. Shriver encourages women to keep asking themselves “Who am I going to be?” She pledges to show up in life as herself — not an imitation of anyone else. Similarly, George Eliot said ”It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”

What do you think of these life lessons from Maria Shriver? Are you stuck in a certain role in your life…and do you want out?

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The idea of connection as a key to success is new to me, because I’ve always been the strong, independent type. My “aha” moment came from Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers: The Story of Success, which describes why certain people are extraordinarily successful.

Success isn’t all about talent and perseverance – Gladwell points out that one of the biggest keys to success is the people around you. People don’t succeed in isolation, and Oprah Winfrey is the perfect example of how connecting with others improves your life.

The Key to Success for Women - Oprah Winfrey

“Every one of us gets through the tough times because somebody is there, standing in the gap to close it for us,” says Oprah.

But connecting with people isn’t just about getting through tough times! Connections can help you get what you want out of life, whether you’re selling your products or convincing your husband to move to Maui.

Successfully selling your product or service. I’m a freelance writer who pitches article ideas to editors regularly (visit me on Quips and Tips Successful Writers!). I’ve learned that if the editor doesn’t connect with my idea or story, she won’t assign it because she thinks the readers won’t connect with it. Further, if I have a personal or professional connection with the editor or magazine, then I’m more likely to get an assignment without even pitching an idea! Connecting with your clients or customers is not just a key to success for women…it’s the cornerstone of a successful career.

Convincing your family to “fall in.” Have you ever tried to force your child, spouse, or sister to do something they’re lukewarm about? It’s a losing battle – unless you can find a way to connect with them. I guess it’s about making them want to do the thing you want…and the key to convincing them is to find a way to connect. For a marriage, this could involve explaining why you need your husband to relocate to Maui with you (instead of just telling him you’re moving).

But remember – you have to be real! Connecting with others to improve your life can’t be superficial or one-sided. You have to give to get – and it feels great to help others. Connecting involves building relationships to help each other achieve, and not envying or resenting another person’s achievement. If you find yourself green with jealousy, read Making Envy Work for You – Helen Gurley Brown.

Also, people don’t like books or movies when they don’t connect with the characters, plot, or theme. For instance, I didn’t like the Titanic movie at all – because I just didn’t connect with it. As a writer, I have to keep remembering that if readers don’t connect to my topic, then they won’t read.

Connection is the key to success for women; luckily, we’re good at it!

Do you connect well with others — and has it helped your career? I welcome your thoughts below!

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