George Eliot was a big believer in not losing yourself, in standing up for yourself, in following your heart, and in achieving your goals.

“Be courteous, be obliging, but don’t give yourself over to be melted down for the benefit of the tallow trade,” she said.

My friends, a long-term committed romantic relationship can be the best thing that ever happens to you. Or it can be the worst thing – if you lose your personal identity in that relationship. If you’re struggling with life, losing yourself, and figuring out who you are, click on This is Not the Life I Ordered: 50 Ways to Keep Your Head Above Water When Life Keeps Dragging You Down by Deborah Collins Stephens et al. It’s one of my favorite books on how to be authentic and successful.

And, read on to learn how not to lose your personality identity in a romantic relationship…

How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship

Realize when you’re “giving yourself over.” Healthy romantic relationships require compromise on both parts. To keep your personal identity, recognize when you’re acting on behalf of the relationship (such as going to boxing matches with your sweetie or making some sort of sacrifice) versus soaking up new likes or activities that aren’t who you are (such as taking on the “I love boxing!” mentality).

Spend time with your friends. Many women lose touch with their friends when they fall in love…it’s a normal part of the whole romantic relationship cycle! When you’re first falling in love, you spend more time with your lover. But, it’s important to balance that new, exciting part of your life with your “old” life: your friends and family. To keep your personality identity, keep your friends (if you struggle with toxic friends, read Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez).

Confess the bad bits to your friends and family. I’ve dated men who had personality and character traits that I could not tell my friends and family about! I was embarrassed and even ashamed that the man I was in a romantic relationship with had those traits…so I didn’t tell anyone about them. That, my friends, is one way to lose your personal identity in a romantic relationship. To stay connected to who you are, talk about the things that bother you about your boyfriend and your relationship. Force yourself to be honest and real.

Listen to the poet Rumi, and “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” In the first blush of love, you want to be together all the time! Stop that. Take a step back. Tune into your heart and soul, and make sure you’re staying connected to who you are. Think about who this man is and what you want out of life…are they compatible? Make decisions about your relationship with both your head and your heart…not just your heart.

If you’ve lost yourself or your personal identity in a relationship, find hope and inspiration in George Eliot’s words: “It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”

What do you think of these suggestions for not losing your identity in a romantic relationship? I welcome your comments below…and if you want to find who you are after losing yourself in a relationship, let me know! I’d be happy to write that article.

Related posts:

1. Reclaiming Your Personal Identity or Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach
2. Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt
3. How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert

“It would have been odd to have made this choice if I was able to have had successful pregnancies since my son’s birth,” said Parker in an Access Hollywood interview.

She’s talking about the twins she and husband Matthew Broderick are expecting by a surrogate mother. They have a six-year-old son together, want more children, and chose surrogacy as a final option. To delve further into authenticity and self-acceptance, read The Courage to Be Yourself: A Woman’s Guide to Emotional Strength and Self-Esteem by Sue Patton Thoele.

Accepting Your Infertility – Sarah Jessica Parker

I love that Sarah Jessica Parker is open to talking about not being able to get pregnant! I don’t know if being a star makes it more or less difficult to accept and talk about infertility (her fans will love her no matter what) – but I think she’s normalizing the fact that there are other ways to have children.

Parker is also defending her surrogate mother: “The most unsavory things have been done. She’s had her phone hacked, her personal computer information hacked; she’s had threats against her and true harassment.” Parker also says that the surrogate’s friends and family have been targeted.

All Parker wants is for her surrogate mother to stay healthy, and her twin girls to be born without stress and anxiety. But we hunger and thirst for every detail — which is the price famous women pay.

I’m not a fan of the whole “Sex and the City” part of who Sarah Jessica Parker is – but I love her honesty and willingness to share who she is. I think there’s a huge life lesson there!

Accept your body the way it is. A woman coping with infertility once told me, “I hate my broken ovaries.” I don’t think I’ll ever forget that, because it’s so unhealthy to reject – hate – part of your own body! It creates emotional barriers and physical animosity within yourself. Hating even a fingernail decreases your self-confidence and self-esteem.

To accept and honor who you are as a woman – like Sarah Jessica Parker accepts her infertility – you need to talk about your “weaknesses” in a nonjudgmental way. My friend who hates her broken ovaries has to practice accepting her female parts just the way they are. “My broken ovaries are part of me. I accept them – because I can’t reject a piece of who I am.”

Do you think Sarah Jessica Parker is a successful woman?  I’m also curious what you think of my not liking her TV show, yet holding her up as an example of how to See Jane Soar. Can I dislike her job (and how that affects how women see themselves), but like what she’s doing in her personal life?

If you’re coping with infertility, visit my Quips and Tips for Couples Coping With Infertility blog. You’re not alone, my friend!

Related posts:

1. Sarah Ban Breathnach – Dream, Don’t Expect
2. Reclaiming Your Personal Identity or Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach
3. Taking Care of Your Breast Health – Renée Zellweger