“I’m not sure what the future holds, but I do know that I’m going to be positive and not wake up feeling desperate,” said Kidman. “As my dad said: ‘Nicole, it is what it is, it’s not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is.’”

One way to be positive and stop feeling powerless is to accept the facts. “It is what it is,” said Nicole Kidman’s father. “Now I can wear heels,” said Nicole (Tom Cruise is a short man!). Another way to focus on the positive is to see the ending as a new beginning, a new stage in your life. To explore this idea, read Closure and the Law of Relationship: Endings as New Beginnings. And, here are six other ways to find the courage to say good-bye…

6 Ways to Find the Courage to End a Relationship – Nicole Kidman

1. Figure out what you’re getting out of the relationship. Many people – both men and women – don’t have the strength to end relationships, even when the relationship is bad, unhealthy, or going nowhere. The reasons for staying are different for everyone, and depend on the type of relationship it is. But, the bottom line is that there is a reason you’re staying with this person: you’re getting something out of it…even if it’s just protection from the discomfort of saying good-bye! The sooner you figure out your reasons for staying, the easier it’ll be to find the courage to end the relationship.

2. Learn about the different reasons for staying. Why do people stay in marriages, work partnerships, or love relationships that are going nowhere? Here’s a list of reasons; use it to figure out why you’re staying. Or, use it to help you brainstorm at least five reasons for not leaving…..

• Fear of being alone
• Lack of motivation to find someone new (eg, a new hair stylist, better business partner, more suitable roommate, etc).
• Fear of not being loved or accepted by anyone else
• Feelings of low self-worth, or even self-loathing
• Concern about what friends and family will say
• Financial problems (if so, you may find Steps to Financial Independence helpful)
• Poor role models (eg, parents or friends who lack courage to change their lives)
• Figuring out why you’re staying may help you find the courage to end a relationship that’s not working for you.

3. Let go of the need to control other people’s feelings. You can’t control how people – friends, family, or the person you’re breaking up with – will respond when you break off the relationship. You can’t control what they do, how they feel, who they tell, or how they think. That’s their business. Let it go. Focus on what you can change in your life, such as your own behavior and words, and your response to other people. This can involve protecting your boundaries despite criticism. In the movie “The Scotsman”, Nicole Kidman said, “When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you can have more happiness.” I amend that to “When you relinquish the desire to control other people, you will be happier”!

4. Think of a time in your past when you did something scary. What was the most difficult, frightening thing you’ve ever done? Reflect on it for a few moments. Then, figure out what gave you strength and courage. For one woman, it could be a soul sister, a support group, or a parent. Another woman could find the courage to say good-bye in a book about self-confidence, or a particular issue of a magazine such as O (reading Oprah’s magazine is one of my favorite ways to stay authentic and grounded in who I am!). You need to figure out how YOU get your strength…and one of the best ways to do that is to recall when you’ve been brave in the past.

5. Ask women you admire about the source of their courage and strength. We can learn so much from smart, strong women – which is why I created See Jane Soar! The women around us can help us build better, happier, more successful lives, even if we don’t know them personally. Take Nicole Kidman, for instance: I love knowing that a woman of her fame and fortune is as vulnerable as we are. She doesn’t know what the future holds, and has to strive to be positive just like we do. Her struggles and successes give me strength. If there’s a woman in your life that you admire, or one loved and lost, then talk to her. Gain strength and wisdom from her experience.

6. Tap into your soul. A solid inner strength can get you through almost anything – whether you’re feeling guilty about ending a relationship or worried about dissolving a business partnership. Spirituality or a reliance God, Buddha, or even Mother Nature can give you access to strength you didn’t even know you had. Find ways to maintain a strong connection between your heart, soul, and mind, and you’ll be stronger than you thought possible!

“I’d like to be wise,” said Nicole Kidman. “You have to go through a lot to get there, but I’m willing to go through a lot.”

If you have any questions or thoughts on these ways to find the courage to end a relationship, please comment below…

Related posts:

1. How to Find the Strength to Leave a Bad Relationship – Gloria Steinem
2. Overcoming Fear and Connecting With Courage – Suze Orman and Cher
3. How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup – Rita Rudner

“This is all you have,” says Dr Laura Schlessinger. “This is not a dry run. This is your life. If you want to fritter it away with your fears, then you will fritter it away, but you won’t get it back later.”

Same with frittering away your energy and time with inappropriate or misplaced guilt! If you’re having trouble getting over or initiating a relationship breakup – or you’re just plain confused – click on Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away. And, read on for my suggestions on how to stop feeling guilty because you broke up with someone who wasn’t right for you…

How to Stop Feeling Guilty Over a Relationship Breakup

Identify appropriate guilt. You should feel guilty if you did something wrong, such as using your boyfriend for his money or professional contacts and then breaking up with him. “Real” guilt is an appropriate and healthy response for wrongdoing. If you weren’t your best self in your relationship, then you need to make amends. This doesn’t necessarily mean getting back together with your boyfriend, but it could mean apologizing for your wrongdoing. Maybe you didn’t make the best choices in your relationship with your boyfriend; even so, you need to forgive yourself and move on.

Identify inappropriate guilt. Do you feel guilty because your ex-boyfriend is manipulating your emotions with apologies, pleas, or promises for the future? Do you feel guilty because your parents or friends wish you were back together with your boyfriend? To stop feeling guilty, figure out if your feelings are appropriate or inappropriate – and read Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong.

Remember what you did right in your relationship. To stop feeling guilty, focus on the things you did well! Remind yourself of the times you were loving, attentive, generous, kind, and compassionate in your relationship. Even if you did initiate the breakup, you didn’t ruin the relationship. It was already ruined…you just decided to clean up your life.

Remember that the relationship breakup happened for a reason. You had your reasons for breaking up with your ex-boyfriend. Even if your friends, family, coworkers, or ex-boyfriend don’t understand those reasons doesn’t mean the breakup less valid. To stop feeling guilty, you need to trust yourself that you made the right decision. Listen to your gut. There was a reason you had to let go of him, and that reason probably won’t change. If you need help letting go of other people’s expectations, read Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations – Maria Shriver.

Figure out who is making you feel guilty about the breakup – and why. Does your best friend wish you and your ex-boyfriend stayed together because she has a crush on his brother or best friend? Is your mother crushed that you broke up with him because she wants you to get married? Is your boyfriend making you feel guilty because you made his life sweet and easy, he walked all over you, and he misses you underneath him? To stop feeling guilty about the breakup, figure out if someone is burdening you with inappropriate guilty, and either stand up to or stay away from that person.

Here’s another inspirational quotation from Dr Laura Schlessinger:

“When you dare to dream, dare to follow that dream, dare to suffer through the pain, sacrifice, self-doubts, and friction from the world, you will genuinely impress yourself.”

And impressing yourself is more important than impressing all the ex-boyfriends, parents, friends and coworkers in the world!

If you have any thoughts or questions about stopping guilty feelings because you broke up with someone, please comment below…

Related posts:

1. How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup – Rita Rudner
2. Surviving Online Affairs – A Quips and Tips Article
3. Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt

I have some breakup advice for her – but first, a quotation from a funny woman!

“I love to shop after a bad relationship,” says comedienne Rita Rudner. “I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.”

I’m not a huge shopper (I despise shopping, in fact), but I can get behind Rudner’s breakup advice! It’s all about “self-soothing”, which I describe below. If you need help getting over a breakup, click on It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Break-Up Buddy. And, read on to learn how to stop feeling depressed when you’re letting go of someone you love…

How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup – Rita Rudner

Remind yourself that the breakup happened for a reason. No matter how you feel right now – trust me, I know how devastating it is to lose someone you love – the relationship was not working. To stop feeling depressed, stay focused on the fact that the relationship wasn’t meant to be. For whatever reason, you and he weren’t a good match. For more help, read Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt.

Learn the difference between mourning and wallowing. The first few months after a breakup are the worst. Allow yourself to mourn your loss, but don’t let yourself wallow in depression because the relationship didn’t work out. Mourning involves crying or expressing your feelings in writing, painting, creative dance, etc for some amount of time each day. Wallowing is talking about the relationship breakup endlessly, obsessing about it, and refusing to think beyond your current feelings.

Think about your role in the relationship and breakup. To stop feeling depressed, find ways to empower yourself! Empowering yourself is about taking control, about learning how you can be a better, smarter, healthier woman. So, think about the breakup. Be honest about your mistakes and foibles. You don’t need to change who you are; you just need to learn from your experiences.

Learn how to “self-sooth.” I found this term in a book about eating disorders, and it’s great breakup advice! Self-soothing addresses Rita Rudner’s quotation about shopping and relationship breakups: to stop feeling depressed, do things that make you feel better. Avoid unhealthy habits such as spending too much money, overeating, or harming yourself. Self-soothing strategies come from inside yourself – not outside, like shopping (sorry, Rita Rudner! Your quotation about shopping and relationship breakups was funny). An example of self-soothing is to recall a time that you were happy, proud, and centered – perhaps after you made a mistake and moved on or accomplished something you were proud of.

Rebuild your personal identity. Take the breakup as an opportunity to figure out who you are. Many women lose their personal identities in relationships; now, you have a chance to get back in touch with your authentic self. What do you want out of life, who do you want to be, where do you want to go? You’re now free to answer all those questions; this breakup could open all sorts of doors for you.

I know I haven’t covered all the ways to stop feeling depressed after a relationship breakup! If you have suggestions – or questions – please comment below…

Related posts:

1. Stop Feeling Guilty Over a Relationship Breakup – Quips and Tips
2. 6 Steps to Healthy Weight Loss – Rita Rudner
3. Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt