First, a word from Gloria Steinem:

“If the shoe doesn’t fit, must we change the foot?”

If your relationship doesn’t suit you, don’t fall into the trap of thinking you have to change! Sometimes the only thing that needs changing is your circumstances…and you have the power to make those changes. If you want to compare your boyfriend to others — it can be fun and healing – read What Was I Thinking?: 58 Bad Boyfriend Stories. And, here are a few tips on finding the strength and courage you need to start a new chapter in your life…

How to Find the Strength to Leave a Bad Relationship – Gloria Steinem

Deal with the fear that you’ll never be loved again. I’ve been stuck in bad relationships because I was scared nobody else would love me. I didn’t realize that there are plenty of good men who would love to love me, and who would be good for me! My self-esteem and self-confidence was rock bottom, and it held me back from moving on to bigger and better men. To leave your bad boyfriend, you need to build self-confidence.

Get rid of guilty feelings. Sometimes, women stay in bad relationships because they feel guilty, or don’t want to leave their boyfriends or husbands in a bad financial, emotional, or social situation. This is misplaced guilt and faulty reasoning! Don’t let negative emotions like fear of what people will think, fear of criticism, or guilt and shame keep you chained to a bad relationship.

Picture yourself a year from now. Where do you want to be living? What do you want to be doing? Who do you want to be loving – and who do you want loving you? Often, focusing on our goals – our wish list – can give us motivation and strength to do what we need to do…even if it involves letting go of someone we love.

Accept the help you need. Here’s a sobering thought from Gloria Steinem: “If women have young children, they are one man away from welfare.” But, accepting help from the government is far more preferable than staying in a bad relationship! When I was a kid, we were on the dole for huge portions of my childhood – and my mom was single, free, and independent (well, as independent as you can be when you rely on the state for support).

Start asking questions. “God may be in the details, but the goddess is in the questions,” said Steinem. “Once we begin to ask them, there’s no turning back.” Asking questions opens up new possibilities, new ways of thinking, new ways of being in the world!

Questions to ask yourself about life:

• Who am I now…and who do I want to become?
• If not now, when?
• Who do I admire?
• What did I want my life to be like when I was young, naïve, idealistic, passionate?

Questions to ask yourself about bad boyfriends:

• What am I getting out of this relationship, which I know is bad for me?
• Who is watching me in this relationship – my kids, nieces, neighbors, family members, friends? What are they learning about me, about life?
• What would I do about this relationship if I knew I would not fail?

You don’t need to know the answers to these questions right now. Just sit with them, let them simmer in the back of your mind. One day, you’ll be ready to make a decision to be strong and leave your partner…or be strong in a different way, and stay.

One last quotation from Gloria Steinem:

“A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.”

Are you in a bad relationship, struggling to find the strength to leave? I encourage you to listen to your gut and your brain, and do what it takes to create a life that makes you happy and fulfilled.

Related posts:

1. How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert
2. 3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt
3. 6 Ways to Find the Courage to End a Relationship – Nicole Kidman

“This is all you have,” says Dr Laura Schlessinger. “This is not a dry run. This is your life. If you want to fritter it away with your fears, then you will fritter it away, but you won’t get it back later.”

Same with frittering away your energy and time with inappropriate or misplaced guilt! If you’re having trouble getting over or initiating a relationship breakup – or you’re just plain confused – click on Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away. And, read on for my suggestions on how to stop feeling guilty because you broke up with someone who wasn’t right for you…

How to Stop Feeling Guilty Over a Relationship Breakup

Identify appropriate guilt. You should feel guilty if you did something wrong, such as using your boyfriend for his money or professional contacts and then breaking up with him. “Real” guilt is an appropriate and healthy response for wrongdoing. If you weren’t your best self in your relationship, then you need to make amends. This doesn’t necessarily mean getting back together with your boyfriend, but it could mean apologizing for your wrongdoing. Maybe you didn’t make the best choices in your relationship with your boyfriend; even so, you need to forgive yourself and move on.

Identify inappropriate guilt. Do you feel guilty because your ex-boyfriend is manipulating your emotions with apologies, pleas, or promises for the future? Do you feel guilty because your parents or friends wish you were back together with your boyfriend? To stop feeling guilty, figure out if your feelings are appropriate or inappropriate – and read Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong.

Remember what you did right in your relationship. To stop feeling guilty, focus on the things you did well! Remind yourself of the times you were loving, attentive, generous, kind, and compassionate in your relationship. Even if you did initiate the breakup, you didn’t ruin the relationship. It was already ruined…you just decided to clean up your life.

Remember that the relationship breakup happened for a reason. You had your reasons for breaking up with your ex-boyfriend. Even if your friends, family, coworkers, or ex-boyfriend don’t understand those reasons doesn’t mean the breakup less valid. To stop feeling guilty, you need to trust yourself that you made the right decision. Listen to your gut. There was a reason you had to let go of him, and that reason probably won’t change. If you need help letting go of other people’s expectations, read Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations – Maria Shriver.

Figure out who is making you feel guilty about the breakup – and why. Does your best friend wish you and your ex-boyfriend stayed together because she has a crush on his brother or best friend? Is your mother crushed that you broke up with him because she wants you to get married? Is your boyfriend making you feel guilty because you made his life sweet and easy, he walked all over you, and he misses you underneath him? To stop feeling guilty about the breakup, figure out if someone is burdening you with inappropriate guilty, and either stand up to or stay away from that person.

Here’s another inspirational quotation from Dr Laura Schlessinger:

“When you dare to dream, dare to follow that dream, dare to suffer through the pain, sacrifice, self-doubts, and friction from the world, you will genuinely impress yourself.”

And impressing yourself is more important than impressing all the ex-boyfriends, parents, friends and coworkers in the world!

If you have any thoughts or questions about stopping guilty feelings because you broke up with someone, please comment below…

Related posts:

1. How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup – Rita Rudner
2. Surviving Online Affairs – A Quips and Tips Article
3. Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt

Here’s what Eleanor Roosevelt said about friendship:

“Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.”

When you’re healing from a relationship breakup, one of the most important things to do is not take it personally and stay friends with yourself – especially if the breakup was unexpected! For more relationship advice, click on Extreme Breakup Recovery by Jeanette Castelli. And, read on for my ways to overcome an unexpected relationship breakup…

Ways to Overcome an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt

Don’t take the breakup personally. The reason for the relationship breakup could have nothing to do with you! Maybe something happened in your friend or partner’s life that requires distance, such as depression, physical illness, or unresolved emotional issues. It’s important to remember that he or she has a whole inner life that you may not be privy to. Don’t berate yourself for the breakup, or over what you did or didn’t do.

Let go of feelings of unworthiness and inferiority. This is a deeper exploration of “don’t take things personally”: don’t let the unexpected breakup destroy your self-confidence or self-esteem. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” said Roosevelt. Accept your hurt and confusion about the end of the relationship or friendship, but don’t let it make you feel unworthy or inferior.

Ask what happened. It’s acceptable and even healthy to ask romantic partners or friends for reasons behind the relationship breakup, especially if it was unexpected. Did you not live up to their expectations? Did you offend them, or were you insensitive in some way? If you’re wondering if you were a “bad” friend, you might find Are You a Toxic Friend – George Eliot helpful. But remember — an unexpected end of a friendship does not mean you’re a toxic or bad friend!

Accept that you may never know why it happened. Your friend or partner may not be able to express the reasons for the relationship breakup. Maybe he or she doesn’t know why the relationship can’t continue, or can’t express it properly. Or, perhaps he or she simply doesn’t want to talk about it. To overcome an unexpected relationship breakup, you have to accept a possible lack of closure.

Prime the “resilience” pump! How “bouncebackable” are you? Resiliency is a key to being a successful woman who can overcome relationship breakups and forge healthy new relationships. Everyone faces failures, setbacks, and obstacles in friendships and romantic relationships. Successful women just keep getting up and trying again, that’s all! For tips on bouncing back, read 5 Ways to Build Resiliency – JK Rowling.

Choose to heal. The most effective way to overcome relationship breakup – besides letting time heal – is to make the choice to move on. The end of the friendship or relationship happened, and there may be nothing you can do about it. You need to choose to heal and overcome your feelings of loss, pain, and helplessness; it’s a choice you may need to make every day.

Soon, you’ll find your pain over the breakup to be less distracting or debilitating. You’ll remember the relationship, but won’t be as burdened by it.

One last quotation from Eleanor Roosevelt (not necessarily related to ending a relationship or friendship, but it’s a great thought!):

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway,” she said. “You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.” 

What are your thoughts or questions on overcoming unexpected an relationship breakup? I welcome you below…

Related posts:

1. 3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt
2. How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup – Rita Rudner
3. The Definition of a Successful Woman – Eleanor Roosevelt

“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself,” says Tina Turner. “If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.”

Letting go, even when you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, is one of the hardest things you’ll do. For more relationship help, click on The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel. And, read on for the stages of leaving an abusive relationship…

5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship – Tina Turner

According to a new University of Illinois journal article, abused woman go through a five-step process of leaving abusive relationships. Below are the fives stages, based doctoral candidate Lyndal Khaw’s dissertation work at the U of I. If you want to leave your partner are scared, read Overcoming Fear – Suze Orman and Cher.

The rest of this article has been moved

Leaving an Abusive Relationship – 5 Stages Women Go Through

If you have any thoughts or questions on these stages of leaving an abusive relationship, I welcome your comments below…

Related posts:

1. How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert
2. 3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt
3. How to Find the Strength to Leave a Bad Relationship – Gloria Steinem

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing,” says Quindlen, “is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of being yourself.”

Giving up on certain goals for your own good involves:

• looking at your goals
• determining if they’re achievable and healthy
• either re-evaluating them or giving them up entirely

Giving up for your own good is about learning how to let go of your goals without feeling like a failure. It’s about seeing success and opportunity in quitting — and about quitting one goal to make room for another. For help setting and achieving your intentions in life, read What Are Your Goals: Powerful Questions to Discover What You Want Out of Life. And, here are two ways to know if your goals are good for you…

How to Know if Your Goals Are Good for You

Before you think about letting go of certain goals, consider these two guidelines:

1. Does your goal represent who you are? “If you’re pursuing something that doesn’t honor who you are, it’ll make you sick,” says Sandra Anne Taylor, co-author of Secrets of Success: The Science and Spirit of Real Prosperity. “The results will be negative.” Whether your goal is professional, personal, social or spiritual – it has to honor who you are to be worthwhile. Your goal has to be in line with your personality, beliefs, values, and future plans.

2. Surrender the outcome of your dreams. “Surrender the outcome so that you don’t move into urgency and desperation,” says Taylor. “Take action towards your goals, and periodically stop to reevaluate if the action is working. Be flexible with that action, and move in a different direction if necessary.”

This doesn’t mean that you stop caring about the outcome of your efforts – or achieving your goals. Surrendering the outcome means you’re open to anything. You can flow into new experiences and re-evaluate what’s not working. You still hope and dream, but you’re not clinging to one particular outcome.

Some goals you’ll want to give up on because the time has passed and it’s not healthy for you to continue. Other goals just require that you stay focused, determined, and resilient! The trick is knowing when to keep trying, and when to move on — which is why creating a life plan is important.

Setting new intentions and goals in life is a process. Being a successful, strong, empowered woman doesn’t happen overnight. For instance, I’m slowly beginning to realize that getting pregnant and having my own biological children may something I need to let go of. I think the gradual process of accepting that it’s time to let go of certain life dreams and hopes makes it much easier to move towards something new and different.

Also – learning how to fail and bounce back (resiliency) is an important component of being an authentic, strong, successful woman.

Are you determined to achieve goals that aren’t good for you, or that are even impossible? I welcome your thoughts and questions below…

Related posts:

1. 10 Habits of Highly Successful Women
2. Creating a Successful Life Plan for Women – Serena Williams
3. How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship

Just Who Will You Be?: Big Question. Little Book. Answer Within.

Here’s what she said at the Annual Women’s Conference:

“As long as I was trying to anticipate what people wanted from me, as long as I was trying to fulfill other people’s expectations, I was in a losing game,” said Shriver in 2007. ”That’s what I want to focus on…letting go of other people’s expectations of you so you can own your own life, write your own story and live your own legacy.”

Both of Shriver’s books (Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Went Into the Real World/Just Who Will You Be) focus on authenticity, self-acceptance, and honoring who you are as a woman. And, here are five ways to let go of other people’s expectations for you life, inspired by Maria Shriver.

Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations – Maria Shriver

1. Figure out which person wants what for your life. Maybe you’re applying for grad school or trying to lose 10 pounds — who is the source of your goals? Do you feel pushed into a life, job, marriage, or routine by other people? Are you forcing yourself to be someone you’re not? To let go of other people’s expectations, determine who wants what in your life. To figure out how to get what you want for your life, read Getting What You Want Out of Life – Angelina Jolie.

2. After you get real with yourself, get real with others. As hard as it is to express your true thoughts and feelings to other people (short-term pain), it’s even harder to live with the consequences of living up to other people’s expectations (long-term pain!). It takes practice to get and stay authentic…but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

3. Expect backlash from people who have their own agenda. You better believe people will squawk if you no longer pick up the slack at work, do the dishes every night, or cover for your fellow committee members! Let ‘em complain. Let ‘em get mad. They’ll eventually get over it. You can even commiserate and agree with them: “You’re right – everyone does have to do extra now that I’m not doing X all the time.”

4. Accept your own fears, frustrations, and anger. Let yourself moan and groan and be scared. Feel your fears and anxieties – and find ways to work through your feelings without losing sight of your goal. It’s okay to have feelings, but it’s not okay to let them cripple you.

5. Find your tribe. Surround yourself with people who want to see you become authentic, real, and focused on your own expecations of yourself. Who do you admire and connect with? Spend time with her or him. Soak up that delicious energy, and let it intensify your own energy.

Because of other people’s expectations, Maria Shriver gave up her career as a journalist to support Arnold Schwarzenegger as governer. She’s turned it around and is figuring out who she is in her own right — but she had to get lost to find herself.

What’s the biggest expectation other people have of you…and can you let it go? I welcome your comments below…

Related posts:

1. Secrets of Successful Women – 6 Life Lessons From Maria Shriver
2. Living Your Own Life – Maria Shriver’s Advice to Michelle Obama?
3. Saying Goodbye, Letting Go, and Moving On