Hear Jane Roar! » leaving your partner

How to Find the Strength to Leave a Bad Relationship – Gloria Steinem

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 22:24:18 +0000

It’s surprisingly difficult to find the strength to leave an unhealthy or bad relationship! You’d think it’d be simple (if you don’t like the way your boyfriend or husband treats you, then leave) but it’s actually quite complicated. Here are some suggestions for leaving bad relationships, motivated by a woman’s question on my article about leaving abusive relationships.

First, a word from Gloria Steinem:

“If the shoe doesn’t fit, must we change the foot?”

If your relationship doesn’t suit you, don’t fall into the trap of thinking you have to change! Sometimes the only thing that needs changing is your circumstances…and you have the power to make those changes. If you want to compare your boyfriend to others — it can be fun and healing – read What Was I Thinking?: 58 Bad Boyfriend Stories. And, here are a few tips on finding the strength and courage you need to start a new chapter in your life…

How to Find the Strength to Leave a Bad Relationship – Gloria Steinem

Deal with the fear that you’ll never be loved again. I’ve been stuck in bad relationships because I was scared nobody else would love me. I didn’t realize that there are plenty of good men who would love to love me, and who would be good for me! My self-esteem and self-confidence was rock bottom, and it held me back from moving on to bigger and better men. To leave your bad boyfriend, you need to build self-confidence.

Get rid of guilty feelings. Sometimes, women stay in bad relationships because they feel guilty, or don’t want to leave their boyfriends or husbands in a bad financial, emotional, or social situation. This is misplaced guilt and faulty reasoning! Don’t let negative emotions like fear of what people will think, fear of criticism, or guilt and shame keep you chained to a bad relationship.

Picture yourself a year from now. Where do you want to be living? What do you want to be doing? Who do you want to be loving – and who do you want loving you? Often, focusing on our goals – our wish list – can give us motivation and strength to do what we need to do…even if it involves letting go of someone we love.

Accept the help you need. Here’s a sobering thought from Gloria Steinem: “If women have young children, they are one man away from welfare.” But, accepting help from the government is far more preferable than staying in a bad relationship! When I was a kid, we were on the dole for huge portions of my childhood – and my mom was single, free, and independent (well, as independent as you can be when you rely on the state for support).

Start asking questions. “God may be in the details, but the goddess is in the questions,” said Steinem. “Once we begin to ask them, there’s no turning back.” Asking questions opens up new possibilities, new ways of thinking, new ways of being in the world!

Questions to ask yourself about life:

Who am I now…and who do I want to become?
If not now, when?
Who do I admire?
What did I want my life to be like when I was young, naïve, idealistic, passionate?

Questions to ask yourself about bad boyfriends:

What am I getting out of this relationship, which I know is bad for me?
Who is watching me in this relationship – my kids, nieces, neighbors, family members, friends? What are they learning about me, about life?
What would I do about this relationship if I knew I would not fail?

You don’t need to know the answers to these questions right now. Just sit with them, let them simmer in the back of your mind. One day, you’ll be ready to make a decision to be strong and leave your partner…or be strong in a different way, and stay.

One last quotation from Gloria Steinem:

“A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.”

Are you in a bad relationship, struggling to find the strength to leave? I encourage you to listen to your gut and your brain, and do what it takes to create a life that makes you happy and fulfilled.

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5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship – Tina Turner

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 21:15:13 +0000

Leaving an abusive relationship involves five stages of separation. These stages of leaving an emotionally or physically abusive relationship are interwoven with quotations from singing diva Tina Turner, who was in an abusive marriage for 16 years.

“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself,” says Tina Turner. “If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.”

Letting go, even when you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, is one of the hardest things you’ll do. For more relationship help, click on The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel. And, read on for the stages of leaving an abusive relationship…

5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship – Tina Turner

According to a new University of Illinois journal article, abused woman go through a five-step process of leaving abusive relationships. Below are the fives stages, based doctoral candidate Lyndal Khaw’s dissertation work at the U of I. If you want to leave your partner are scared, read Overcoming Fear – Suze Orman and Cher.

The rest of this article has been moved

Leaving an Abusive Relationship – 5 Stages Women Go Through

If you have any thoughts or questions on these stages of leaving an abusive relationship, I welcome your comments below…

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How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 21:29:32 +0000

The life lesson: though it seems like it should be easy to leave a relationship that involves spousal abuse, mental abuse, or verbal abuse…it’s not. The successful woman, who’s “been there, done that”: Elizabeth Gilbert.

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men,” writes Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India, and Indonesia. “I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness.”

Are you with a man you think could be great – but who actually abuses you physically, mentally, or emotionally? Get help! Click on The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change? A Woman’s Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Patricia Evans. And, check out these five suggestions for leaving emotionally and mentally abusive relationships.

First, here’s one of the best comments I’ve ever read! It’s from my article called Recognizing 4 Types of Abuse, on Suite101 (where I’m the Psychology Feature Writer):

“I’M DOING IT!!! 4 days to go!!” writes this reader. “I’m finally leaving my emotionally abusive relationship (one time he choked me). I’ve tried countless times to leave. I decided the only way out is run far, far away. A mover came today and took my belongings to the other side of the country (literally). I’ve booked my flight and accommodation. I don’t have a job on the other side but, I’ll figure something out. I’m outta here! Finally, I can learn to be myself again. I’m no longer going to be nervous or scared to offend that guy.”

How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert

1. Get out of the city. Sometimes the only way to deal with spousal abuse is to move clear across the country. It’s definitely not fair – and very painful – that you have to leave your family, friends, job, and the life you have…but moving away may be the only way to stop abuse and protect yourself and your kids.

2. Take one step at a time. Looking at the whole picture (gotta get a home, a job, new friends, furniture for my new place, etc etc etc) is completely overwhelming! Instead, focus on the first step: figuring out where you will go. Then, get your stuff packed up – or leave your stuff there, and start over with new stuff (buying secondhand furniture, clothes, and stuff for the house is inexpensive and easy!). When you’re leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship, take it one step at a time.

3. Focus on building resiliency. How well do you bounce back from problems? That’s your “bouncebackability” or resilience. The easier it is for you to bounce back, the healthier and stronger you’ll be. Read 5 Ways to Build Resliliency – JK Rowling for for tips on bouncing back.

4. Focus on why you’re leaving. Push everything else aside, and focus on how destructive the mental abuse, verbal abuse, or emotional abuse is. Don’t fall into Elizabeth Gilbert’s old habit of counting on your husband or boyfriend’s potential for change. How has he has acted in the past? That’s likely how he’ll act in the future. Let his abuse be your motivation – not a blanket of shame that suffocates and paralyzes you.

5. Protect your kids from their own future abusive relationships. Research shows that many women stay with physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive partners because of their children. These mothers believe they’re doing the right thing for their kids by staying in the bad relationship. Solveig Vatnar is a researcher and psychologist who at the University of Oslo who found that children are harmed by witnessing violence between their parents. Plus, kids who see one parent being abused by the other are at a higher risk for ending up in abusive relationships themselves (read Partner Violence Continues After Break-up on ScienceDaily for the research).

Leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship is difficult…but it’s not impossible! When you’re ready, you can do it — and it may just be easier than you think. If you’ve lost your self-identity (and many abused women have), read Keeping Your Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach.

What do you think? I welcome your thoughts and questions on leaving physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive relationships below…for more info, read 7 Ways to Tell if Your Marriage is Over, on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals.

If you want to get your marriage back on track, you may find Save My Marriage Today helpful — it includes how to avoid the most common reasons for divorce.

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