“My boyfriend and I have been together for three years,” says Liz. “I just found out he has been talking to three other girls on the internet. He says he won’t do it again but I am still not sure. I don’t know what to do anymore. What do I do?” (from 10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship).

One of the first steps is to find out why he cheated. Books like The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It are helpful because they give an objective perspective (which you and your husband don’t necessarily have).

If you’re struggling to rebuild marriage trust, read Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. And, here are five steps towards rebuilding marriage trust after an affair (even if your husband was “just” online chatting with other women!)…

Rebuilding Marriage Trust After an Affair – Ann Landers

“If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold you head high, look it squarely in eye and say, `I will be bigger than you…” ~ Ann Landers.

It’s important thing to remember that trouble — including cheating in marriage, betrayals of love, miscommunications in relationships, and arguments with spouses – are a normal part of love relationships! This doesn’t mean that cheating and other marriage problems are acceptable, of course! It just means that trouble is part of life.

If your share of trouble involves a cheating husband, you’re probably struggling to rebuild trust in your marriage. I hope these tips help…

1. Figure out why your husband cheated. If he cheated because he wasn’t getting something from you or your marriage, then it may be easier to rebuild trust because you can change your relationship! It isn’t easy, but you can work together to rebuild marriage trust. But, if your husband cheated because he was bored or it’s in his nature to roam, then it may be more difficult to rebuild trust. The reason he cheated may help you decide if you can trust him again. But remember: you can’t do all the work in figuring out why your husband cheated, how he can overcome the problem, and how to get your marriage back on track. He has to step up and be a man — which means admitting he cheated and working to make your marriage better.

2. Figure out what you need from your husband and marriage. If your husband travels for work or spends a lot of time on other activities, you may need him to put you first more often. If your husband isn’t willing to talk about his feelings, reasons for cheating, or your marriage, then you may need him to open up more. Before you can decide if you can rebuild marriage trust, you need to figure out what you need from him.

3. Ask your husband what he’s willing to do to save your marriage. After you figure out what you need from your husband, ask him clearly if he’s willing to give you what you need. Will he spend more time with you? Go to couples counseling with you — or get online help from a marriage coach? Start individual counseling for himself, if he needs to work through his issues? Read books about rebuilding marriage trust after an affair? If your husband isn’t willing to work towards saving your marriage, then you shouldn’t trust him again. You can’t save your marriage by yourself.

4. Learn how to tell when your husband is lying about cheating. Gary Neuman is the author of Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship; he was recently on the Dr Oz show. He and Janine Driver of the Body Language Institute discussed several ways to discern if someone is lying about cheating – and I describe their tips in 4 Ways to Tell if Your Husband is Lying About Cheating. It’s worth a read, even if you don’t think your husband is lying to you.

5. Don’t let fear or insecurity trap you in a bad marriage! Both men and women stay in bad marriages because they’re scared they’ll never be loved again. If your self-esteem or self-confidence is low, find ways to boost it without relying on your husband or marriage. Getting as emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy as possible is more important that deciding if you can rebuild marriage trust after an affair! The healthier you are, the easier all your decisions in life will be — including your most important decisions about your marriage.

Ann Landers says,” All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest – never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partners.”

When you’re saving your marriage and rebuilding trust, don’t be afraid of healthy battle!

And, it’s worth noting that marriage coach Mort Fertel says husbands who cheat are less likely to cheat again. To get free advice from Mort,  read 7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage.

If you’d like to bring spirituality into your marriage, you might find Surviving an Affair in a Christian Marriage helpful.

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Related posts:

1. 5 Ways to Survive a Cheating Spouse – Elin Nordegren
2. Habits of a Healthy Marriage – Quips and Tips
3. Surviving Online Affairs – A Quips and Tips Article

First, two quotations about divorce from strong women in history: Zsa Zsa Gabor and Margaret Atwood….

“I’m an excellent housekeeper,” said Zsa Zsa Gabor. “Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”

On a more serious note, Margaret Atwood said, “A divorce is like an amputation; you survive it, but there’s less of you.”

If you’re a woman considering divorce, you need to know the signs it’s time to leave your husband. Unhappy marriages often have solid indications that divorce is inevitable, according to Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Susan Pease Gadoua. Read the book for details, and check out these signs you should leave your husband…

Women Considering Divorce – Signs You Should Leave Your Husband

“There are certain factors that suggest a relationship is workable and salvageable,” writes Gadoua. “There are other factors in marriages that, if present, indicate a low probability that the relationship will be healthy or fulfilling. I call these workability factors.”

Here’s a list of Gadoua’s indications of unhappy marriages, specifically related to safety, love, and esteem needs (based on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs).

You might consider divorce if your safety needs aren’t being met because of…

• Lack of trust
• Pathological dishonesty
• Lack of mental, emotional, physical, or financial safety
• Abuse (read Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship for more info)
• No communication

You might work on saving the marriage if trust was broken but is reparable, if there’s a mutual desire to create a safe environment, if there is care, concern, and communication.

It may be time to leave your husband if these love needs aren’t being met:

• Absence of mutual love
• Infidelity
• No shared interests
• One or both spouses aren’t fully committed to the marriage
• One-sided relationship

If you’re considering divorce, you might think about saving your marriage if there is a foundation of mutual love, if both partners are willing to work through physical or emotional infidelity, and if both spouses are willing to recommit to staying married.

But remember: love doesn’t conquer all! You can love your husband with all your heart, but not be able to build a strong, happy marriage together – especially if you’ve lost your personal identity. The lack of romantic love may not always lead to divorce, and the presence of love doesn’t lead to a happy marriage. As Zsa Zsa Gabor said, “Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.”

You might consider divorce if your esteem needs aren’t being met because of…

• No esteem from self or spouse, and no desire to change
• No respect at all from spouse
• No common goals
• Unwillingness of at least one spouse to work on marriage

Does your marriage have a foundation of respect, some common goals, and a willingness to work on esteem and marriage issues on the part of both partners? If so, it might be worthwhile to try to save your marriage.

There are no quick and easy answers for women considering divorce – and even the surest signs that it may be time to leave your husband can be complicated and confusing.

“I’ve had countless clients tell me that they don’t want to divorce because they are afraid of losing the co-parenting relationship or their spouse’s income, only to eventually realize that they alone already carry the load of responsibilities,” says Gadoua. “The spouse doesn’t contribute to the marriage but, rather, takes from it.”

Sometimes, divorce for women leads to an easier, more liberated, happier life – especially if you’re leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship.

A final thought from Zsa Zsa Gabor:

“You never really know a man until you have divorced him.”

If you’re considering divorce and have questions or thoughts on these signs it’s time to leave your husband, please comment below…

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Related posts:

1. Surviving Online Affairs – A Quips and Tips Article
2. Finding a Good Boyfriend – a Quips and Tips Article
3. Habits of a Healthy Marriage – Quips and Tips