Here’s what she told Oprah:

“I can almost bend steel with my mind. I can bend anything if I try hard enough. I can make myself do almost anything. But you can get too strong, so you have to be careful. You have to temper your strength.”

O, the confidence! O, the determination!

If I applied half of her resolve and self-confidence — even one-tenth of it — I’d probably be a more accomplished writer, blogger, and entrepreneur.

If I had Martha Stewart’s confidence, I’d:

• Hire writers and an editor to take “Quips and Tips” in a bigger, wider direction
• Accept that I care what other people think, and let go of those cares
• Tell the world that my book, See Jane Soar, will be accepted for publication by a Big Publishing House within a year

What would you do if you had Martha Stewart’s confidence and determination?

Source of quote: Oprah’s Cut With Martha Stewart

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Milian is smart, sassy, and oh-so-confident – and yet she’s empathetic and kind.

She’s also self-aware:

“I found a husband who married me despite my faults, children who think I have no faults, and a job that pays me because of my faults,” she says. “It’s perfect!”

She’s aware of her weaknesses – which may be the most telling sign of a fearless woman. They know their flaws and fortes, and they embrace them both. To learn more about living fierce and proud, read The Confident Woman: Start Today Living Boldly and Without Fear. And, check out these five signs of fearless women…

5 Signs of a Fearless Woman – Judge Marilyn Milian

Honest and real. “When you are a real judge on the bench, you try hard not to react to everything, not to speak your mind to everything,” says Judge Marilyn Milian. “When you are a television judge, the handcuffs are off. Not only do I get to say what is on my mind, my producers insist on it!” Being honest about what you think is a sign of a fearless woman – and only the strongest, smartest, most successful women know when to be honest and when to hold back.

Generous and giving. Fearless women recognize that there is enough to go around – they don’t have to grab all the love, money, friends, or opportunities because they know everyone will get what they need. They have big hearts and generous spirits. Fearless women give compliments freely, share their ideas and resources with others, and believe there is lots of love and support in the world. Abundance is their state of mind.

Present. This isn’t just a sign of a fearless woman, it’s the sign of a confident, peaceful, fulfilled, spiritually sound person. Do you live in the current moment, or are you worried or fearful about the future? Are you mired in regrets or bitterness of the past? A fearless woman is focused on the here and now. She’s present. Marilyn Milian is a perfect example of that; when she’s on the bench on national television, she’s completely focused on the litigants. I love it!

Objective and detached. If your boss, coworker, or partner snaps at you, do you take it personally or do you shrug it off as someone having an off day? Can you stand up for yourself if you need to, and recognize when it’s better to let things brush by you? Fearless women aren’t attached to certain ways of thinking or feeling – and when they run into problems such as toxic people at work, they find ways to deal with it. They don’t see everything as a judgment of who they are. “When you are able to be objective with no attachment to what is right and what is wrong, there is space for life to work itself out for your benefit,” writes Rhonda Britten in Fearless Living.

Courageous and open minded. “I did college in three years, I skipped the third grade, I’ve always had this race, and one day life drops something out of left field,” says Judge Milian. “My life, which had always been so focused, had just opened up. And I’m gonna ride this out. I will never have a gig like this again!” Fearless women take opportunities, even if they feel scared, nervous, or intimidated. And, fearless women recognize when they’re on a great adventure…and when they need to call it quits, cut their losses, and find some other opportunity to explore.

Writing this makes me realize that I’m not as fearless as I thought! I need to work on being more generous and giving. Instead, I tend to operate out of fear and scarcity…

What about you? I’d love to hear your thoughts or questions on these signs of fearless women…please comment below!

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“Don’t limit yourself,” said Mary Kay Ash. “Many women limit themselves to what they think they can do. You can go as far as your mind lets you. What you believe, remember, you can achieve.”

What you think you can do — what you focus on — will become reality! You don’t need special equipment or a lot of money to succeed in life…but you do need some basic tools. Read Simple Acts of Moving Forward: 60 Suggestions for Getting Unstuck for practical ways to let go of whatever is holding you back. And, check out these ten ways to get unstuck…

10 Ways to Get Unstuck and Move Forward – Mary Kay Ash

1. Figure out what’s holding you back. Maybe you’re depressed because of a business failure, health issue, financial problem, or relationship breakup. Or, maybe you can’t seem to improve your self-confidence or maintain a happy, positive mood.  The first step to lgetting unstuck is to identify what’s stopping you from moving forward.

2. Be objective about sources and solutions. Whatever the source of your rut is, remember that there are ways to overcome it! Different problems have different solutions, but there are some general rules for getting unstuck. For instance, don’t focus on what you lack (eg, someone to love, or a business of your own). Instead, focus on what you want more of in your life (love, success, acceptance, freedom). Be specific about what you want, and try not to get caught up in negative or critical emotions. Take a step back and look at your life with objective eyes.

3. Look for the possibilities in your problems. In Outliers: The Story of Success, Malcolm Gladwell writes, “Sometimes constraints actually create success. Not being able to swim made me run. And running taught me the discipline I needed as a writer.” What are you learning from the obstacles in your life? Are your problems — job stress, relationship breakups – leading you in an unexpected direction? The sooner you accept the lessons, the faster you’ll overcome your obstacles and move forward in life.

4. Work with your personal advantages. I’m a big fan of “to do” lists and I love checking off each task when I accomplish it. That’s one of my personal advantages, and I use it to make my business successful. For instance, one of my goals is to earn $50,000 a year as a blogger. Part of achieving that goal involves writing two blog posts a day. To stay motivated to write every day, I make a list of the blog posts I need to write at the beginning of each week…and the satisfaction of checking off those “articles to write” makes me feel happy and motivated enough to do it again and again and again! What are your strengths or personal advantages? Put them to work for you!

5. Ask for help moving forward in life. What do you need to do to get unstuck? Ask your family, friends, and colleagues for help. Do you need financial advice? Time? Resources? Motivation? Support? Be specific about what you need, identify who can help you, and be clear about what you’d like them to do. Mary Kay Ash said, “Honesty is the cornerstone of all success, without which confidence and ability to perform shall cease to exist.” Be honest about what you need.

6. Surround yourself with successful women. Who do you admire? Which family member, friend, or colleague is in the position you’d like to be in? To soak up the habits of highly successful women, stay connected to women who achieved their goals — even if you don’t know them personally, even if they aren’t alive! The attitudes, values, habits, and thoughts of women who soar will rub off on you. Also, stay away from people who hold you back or aren’t supportive.

7. Focus on one step at a time. If your number one goal is to start your own homebased business, don’t move towards a competing goal. For instance, you can’t put all your energy towards working from home while you’re planning a vacation that involves traveling around the world for a year! You can’t move ahead in two directions at once. Focus on “unsticking yourself” from one thing at a time. “So many women just don’t know how great they really are,” said Mary Kay Ash. “They come to us all vogue outside and vague on the inside.” Be concrete and specific about what you want out of life, and how you’ll get it.

8. Expect to do a little work. Bill Gates programmed computers at university for 10,000 hours before he started his own company. Gates is one of the most successful entrepreneurs in recent history (perhaps of all time) — but he spent 10,000 hours practicing before he took the leap! That’s 416 days of working around the clock. This tip for letting go of what’s holding you back is from Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers, and involves practicing your craft. “…[successful people]…simply put in more hours than anyone else,” writes Gladwell.

9. Stay  connected to yourself. No matter how you’re planning on getting unstuck, stay open to revising as you go. For instance, you may decide to stop focusing on moving forward in your relationship, and start focusing on moving ahead in your career. That’s okay! Take your nose off the grindstone every so often…look around…and make sure you’re still on the right track. Let yourself make revisions whenever you need.

10. Help other women move forward their lives. When you encourage, educate, and connect with other women, you increase your own dedication, determination, and self-discipline! You feel good about yourself, which increases your motivation and gives you the self-confidence you need to move forward in life. It feels great to help women move towards their dreams, and it’s good karma!

“Those who are blessed with the most talent don’t necessarily outperform everyone else,” said Mary Kay Ash. “It’s the women with follow-through who excel.”

If you have any thoughts or questions on these ten ways to get unstuck, please comment below…

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Ayaan Hirsi Ali wrote Infidel, a memoir describing her traditional Muslim childhood in Somalia, Saudi Arabia, and Kenya (where I lived for three years…I’ve been to the streets and neighborhoods she described!). Ali survived a variety of situations that many women could not bounce back from…and neither has she, really.

Ali broke away from dutiful obedience and spoke out against traditional cultural values. Trusting her inner voice, she questioned her family’s faith, her own belief system, and how women were treated in Muslim families. Ali became a Dutch politician and influenced that country’s and legal system.

Ayaan Hirsi Ali found her true identity — her authentic self — because she trusted her inner voice.

She now lives in hiding. Read her book to learn more — her life is fascinating — and read on for five ways to get the most out of your own life…

5 Ways to Get the Most Out of Your Life – Ayaan Hirsi Ali

1. Listen to your instincts. Put other people’s expectations and opinions aside. What do you think, feel, and want? Part of finding your true identity and trusting your inner voice is letting go of the question “What will people think?” Getting older helps with accepting that people may not think what you want them to think…and letting that go. Becoming a strong woman involves tuning into your instincts and living the life you want – like Ayaan Hirsi Ali did.

2. Stay connected to your dreams and goals. You have responsibilities, duties, expectations, and life to deal with, which makes it more difficult to stay focused on who you really are and what you really want out of life. But, to start pursuing your dreams right now, you need only picturing yourself where you want to be in a year, or five years. Visualization is an effective way to get what you want out of life because it helps you learn to trust your inner voice and get started on the path to success.

3. Express your authentic emotions. If you feel angry, get your anger out – without burying your feelings in chocolate ice cream, cigarettes, wine, or frenzied activity. If you’re sad, cry or write in your journal or pray instead of shopping or watching TV. Staying in touch with your true emotions is hard (and expressing them can be even harder), but it’s a great way to make the most of your life!

4. Choose your activities carefully. Instead of participating in activities you feel lukewarm about or outright don’t wanna do, learn to say no without feeling guilty or ashamed. Limit your activities to things that represent who you are and what you believe in. When you choose what you really want to do, you’ll discover who you really are. Maybe you’ll be viewed as an infidel — but that may actually be the highest compliment you’ll ever receive! There are worse things to be compared to than strong women like Ayaan Hirsi Ali.

5. Take risks. To find your true self and live the life of your dreams, challenge yourself to try new things. Reach out to people. Let yourself be vulnerable and don’t be afraid to make waves. Trust your inner voice when it comes to taking risks, especially when you’re afraid, and find creative solutions to your problems. Being an authentic woman involves risks – there’s no doubt about it. But “if there aren’t any dragons, it’s not an adventure worth telling,” says Sarah Ban Breathnach.

Let Ayaan Hirsi Ali inspire you to get the most out of your life – and to be grateful for the life you have.

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Here’s what Eleanor Roosevelt said about friendship:

“Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.”

When you’re healing from a relationship breakup, one of the most important things to do is not take it personally and stay friends with yourself – especially if the breakup was unexpected! For more relationship advice, click on Extreme Breakup Recovery by Jeanette Castelli. And, read on for my ways to overcome an unexpected relationship breakup…

Ways to Overcome an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt

Don’t take the breakup personally. The reason for the relationship breakup could have nothing to do with you! Maybe something happened in your friend or partner’s life that requires distance, such as depression, physical illness, or unresolved emotional issues. It’s important to remember that he or she has a whole inner life that you may not be privy to. Don’t berate yourself for the breakup, or over what you did or didn’t do.

Let go of feelings of unworthiness and inferiority. This is a deeper exploration of “don’t take things personally”: don’t let the unexpected breakup destroy your self-confidence or self-esteem. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” said Roosevelt. Accept your hurt and confusion about the end of the relationship or friendship, but don’t let it make you feel unworthy or inferior.

Ask what happened. It’s acceptable and even healthy to ask romantic partners or friends for reasons behind the relationship breakup, especially if it was unexpected. Did you not live up to their expectations? Did you offend them, or were you insensitive in some way? If you’re wondering if you were a “bad” friend, you might find Are You a Toxic Friend – George Eliot helpful. But remember — an unexpected end of a friendship does not mean you’re a toxic or bad friend!

Accept that you may never know why it happened. Your friend or partner may not be able to express the reasons for the relationship breakup. Maybe he or she doesn’t know why the relationship can’t continue, or can’t express it properly. Or, perhaps he or she simply doesn’t want to talk about it. To overcome an unexpected relationship breakup, you have to accept a possible lack of closure.

Prime the “resilience” pump! How “bouncebackable” are you? Resiliency is a key to being a successful woman who can overcome relationship breakups and forge healthy new relationships. Everyone faces failures, setbacks, and obstacles in friendships and romantic relationships. Successful women just keep getting up and trying again, that’s all! For tips on bouncing back, read 5 Ways to Build Resiliency – JK Rowling.

Choose to heal. The most effective way to overcome relationship breakup – besides letting time heal – is to make the choice to move on. The end of the friendship or relationship happened, and there may be nothing you can do about it. You need to choose to heal and overcome your feelings of loss, pain, and helplessness; it’s a choice you may need to make every day.

Soon, you’ll find your pain over the breakup to be less distracting or debilitating. You’ll remember the relationship, but won’t be as burdened by it.

One last quotation from Eleanor Roosevelt (not necessarily related to ending a relationship or friendship, but it’s a great thought!):

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway,” she said. “You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.” 

What are your thoughts or questions on overcoming unexpected an relationship breakup? I welcome you below…

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“As one goes through life, one learns that if you don’t paddle your own canoe, you don’t move.” – Katharine Hepburn.

For more inspiration and motivation, click on This is Not the Life I Ordered: 50 Ways to Keep Your Head Above Water When Life Keeps Dragging You Down by Deborah Collins Stephens, Jackie Speier, Michealene Crisini Risley, and Jan Yanehiro. And, read on for five steps to being a successful woman, inspired by quotations from Anita Roddick, Barbara Walters, Dorothea Brande, and Linda Ronstadt. See Jane Soar!

5 Ways to be a Successful Woman – Katherine Hepburn

You may be interested in reading The Definition of a Successful Woman – Eleanor Roosevelt.

1. Take back your power. You give away your power when you say or think things like, “Oh, I couldn’t do that!” and “I don’t deserve this,” and “How could anyone find me attractive, or hire me, or pay me that much money?” The first step to being a successful woman is to take back your power. Find the support and guidance you need; overcome your habit of being your own worst critic. Listen to Katherine Hepburn’s advice, and learn to paddle your own canoe.

2. Identify what’s holding you back.  “It’s not who you are that holds you back; it’s who you think you’re not,” said Barbara Walters. Do you think you’re not smart enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, or not strong enough? The second step to being a successful woman is to identify how you’re holding yourself back. Be aware of what you’re afraid of.

3. Tune in to your talents. “Have you let other people talk out you of pursuing something you’re good at?” ask the authors in This is Not the Life I Ordered. ”Have you bowed to pressure and abandoned a project that was meaningful to you?” Don’t let other people’s criticism or indifference quell your dreams. And remember — you are meaningful and valuable just the way you are.  “If you think you’re too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito,” said Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop.

4. Clean up your “to-do” list. The fourth step to being a successful woman is to get rid of your emotional and physical clutter! Get rid of the things you don’t need to do, that don’t matter, that don’t create value, that don’t make a difference. Figure out if you’re taking responsibility for stuff that isn’t yours. Make sure everything takes you toward the your goals and dreams – not away.

5. Create an upward spiral. Successful women turn “woe is me” into action - and proceed confidently. Poet Dorothea Brande said, ”All that is necessary to break the spell of inertia and frustration is this: Act as if it were impossible to fail.” No matter what you’re struggling with or how defeated you feel, take one step forward. Maybe that means calling for a college course guide or searching for grief support groups on the internet.

Maybe creating an upward spiral means that you have to accept change and take risks:

“So life changes and you have to change too. I don’t like change, but I’ve learned you just put your hands over your eyes and step off the edge.” – Linda Ronstadt.

What do you think about these steps to being a successful woman? I welcome your comments below…

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“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” said Roosevelt – and that right there is a key definition of a successful woman! In this case, there’s no “one size fits all.”

Here are several possible ways to define a successful woman… if you want to go further, click on What Every Successful Woman Knows: 12 Breakthrough Strategies to Get the Power and Ignite Your Career by Janice Reals Ellig and Bill Morin.

The Definition of a Successful Woman – Eleanor Roosevelt

You may also like 10 Habits of Highly Successful Women!

External achievements. Does a PhD, MD, or LLB make you a successful woman? What about a house with an ocean view, or an apartment overlooking Central Park in New York City? Maybe getting a book published makes you successful, or raising healthy, happy children. Does achieving your goals make you a successful woman? (I say YES to that one, as the creator of “Quips and Tips for Achieving Your Goals” ).

Emotions and feelings. If you feel happy, fulfilled, and content with your life – does that mean you’re a successful woman? Sure! But what about perimenopausal or PMSing women? Their moods plummet and skyrocket at a moment’s notice, which may mean their self-identity or measure of success changes as their hormones fly. I think successful women feel fulfilled, but there’s more to success than feelings…

Physical and emotional health. I have ulcerative colitis and mild bouts of PMS every so often…does that mean I’m not successful? Are women who struggle with depression or cancer less successful? No – but women who stay physically fit and eat nutritious foods may live longer and healthier lives. So, I believe there is a connection between successful women and good health. Read Coping With Chronic Illness – Natalie Goldberg if you struggle with illness!

Treatment of others. It probably goes without saying that if you’re cruel, vindictive, or selfish then you’re probably not a successful woman…or are you? I know a smart businesswoman who has burned more bridges than she’s built – and her business is booming! Would she say she’s a successful woman? Yup. Would others say the same thing? Nope. Or maybe they’d say yes, but grudgingly.

What others say. Have you ever been complimented on your achievements, yet feel like they weren’t “all that”? Other people – like your mom – may gush about your life or actions, but that doesn’t mean you’re successful. For some women, admiration and respect means they’re successful. (Beware of the “seeking the approval of others” monster!).

Internal achievements (a strong self-identity). Back to Eleanor Roosevelt’s life lesson: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I think the best definition of a successful woman revolves around how she feels about and defines herself. It doesn’t matter what educations she has, whether she’s grouchy, what illness she struggles with, or what others say about her. For me, the definition of a successful woman is about how she feels about herself, and whether she’s living up to her own potential.

A successful woman marches to her own drummer…especially when it comes to defining whether or not she’s a success! Eleanor Roosevelt not only marched to her own drummer – she had her own orchestra. She was an advocate for working women as well as a prominent author, speaker, politician and activist. I’d say she was a successful woman. I wonder what she’d say?

What do you think of these  definitions of successful women? I’d love to hear your thoughts – big and little – below!

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“If we are to embrace the quality of courage to its fullest,” says Suze Orman, “we can no longer allow ourselves to hide behind fear.”

For more info about overcoming fear, read Susan Jeffer’s book Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway (r). And, here are Suze Orman and Cher’s tips on overcoming fear…

Overcoming Fear – Suze Orman and Cher

“It can be difficult for women to connect to their courage,” writes Orman in her bestselling book Women & Money. “Women can be deflected from a course of action if they think that it might hurt someone else. It’s so much easier to hurt yourself than to hurt someone else, isn’t it? Women also lose their courage when they subscribe to a belief that someone or something is the key to their happiness – rather than recognizing that power lies within.”

I love that: your power is within. For more inspiration from Orman, go to Being a Financial Role Model – Suze Orman.

Overcoming Fear – Cher

When Cher was on the Oprah Winfrey show, she called herself a scaredy cat. I just about plutzed (and I’m not even Jewish!). Cher is 61 years old, has a regular gig performing in Vegas, wears all manner of garb to the Oscars and elsewhere, does whatever the hell she wants – and she calls herself a scaredy cat?! The superstar Cher struggles with overcoming fear and finding courage?

But the thing with Cher is, she does it anyway. She feels fear and takes risks.  

And here’s more on overcoming fear from Suze Orman:

“Fear is usually what stands between us and our courage,” she says. “We’re afraid to rock the boat. We’re afraid of confrontation. We’re afraid to upset someone. We’re afraid we’ll lose our job. We’re afraid he’ll divorce us. We’re afraid our kids won’t love us. We’re afraid of what others may think of us. We’re afraid we will be flat broke. The list goes on and on.”

My friend, if you’re a scaredy cat, you’re not alone! Being courageous is different for every woman. For me, it means saying “yes” when I’m scared I can’t do it well – like going on the radio to talk about my articles. For you, it could mean standing up to your boss, or showing your art or writing to the world. Overcoming fear and finding courage could mean being single and not letting it stop you from traveling solo, eating out, or going to movies alone!

Overcoming fear and finding courage means you know what you’re afraid of, and you’re not afraid to admit it. You may be white-knuckled, dripping with sweat, hyperventilating, quaking in your shoes, or screaming inside – but you do it anyway.

Just like “scaredy cat” Cher did.

How do you overcome fear in your life? I welcome your comments below…

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“I don’t act the way society dictates that a woman ‘should,’ writes Queen Latifah in Ladies First: Revelations of a Strong Woman. “I am not dainty. I do not hold back my opinions. I don’t stay behind a man. I’m not here to live by somebody elses’ standards. I’m defining what a woman is for myself. Simply put, I am not interested in subscribing to what society has decided for half of humankind.”

Queen Latifah said this even before starting Jenny Craig’s weight loss program – and she’s been very clear that she’s not losing weight to society’s standards. Rather, she wants to be fit, healthy, and strong for herself — which is the best reason! Click on Ladies First: Revelations of a Strong Woman to learn more about her, and read on for ten ways to build your self-confidence levels.

10 Ways to Build Self-Confidence – Queen Latifah

1. Accept that you might feel guilty when you say no – but say no anyway. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you fulfill everyone else’s expectations and behave the way society thinks you should. Instead, say “yes” only to the requests you can fulfill without depleting yourself, and separate others’ expectations from your own.

2. Make your appearance a part of who you are as a whole woman. You dishonor yourself when you dress for others and change your body to please your partner (wax, botox, hate your body, envy skinny models). Don’t compare yourself to others, especially images of air-brushed perfection. To build the self-confidence of Queen Latifah, remind yourself that you are MORE than your appearance!

3. Plan small steps that move you towards your dreams and goals. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you: Clean the house, garden, ferry kids to soccer practice, paint the deck, cook meals, darn the socks when you need to take care of yourself. Stop wishing, and start acting in ways that move you forward.

4. Own your career. Think of yourself as an entrepreneur, even if you work for someone else. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you: don’t speak up at meetings, accept extra work even though you’re overloaded, let others take credit, don’t consider pursuing the education or job that you’re passionate about, or let colleagues destroy your self concept and self esteem. To build your self-confidence, focus on your career as if you were an entrepreneur.

5. Avoid soul-deadening activities. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you participate in activities you feel lukewarm about or outright hate, go to places that make you feel uncomfortable, or act like a martyr. Instead, tune in to your spirit through mediation, prayer, and time for yourself.

6. Take control of your health issues. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you ignore your physical problems and let your doctor, psychiatrist, or counselor totally control your prescriptions, diagnoses, and schedule. Instead of hoping that they know what they’re doing, you can build self-confidence by taking charge of your health.

7. Know what you really think – even if you choose not to voice it. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you swallow your opinions, ignore your ideas, and stifle your creativity. To build the self-confidence of Queen Latifah, express yourself through writing, painting, creating, producing, etc.

8. Learn why you’re overeating, overspending, overcriticizing. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you bury your feelings in chocolate ice cream, heroin, cigarettes, wine, excessive activity. Stop immersing yourself in shopping, watching TV, gossiping, and extreme busyness! Instead, face your feelings head-on. Face what you’re afraid to know.

9. Pick friends who support, honor, and love you. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you spend time with people who criticize, condemn, or deplete you. Instead of letting your family, friends or society dictate who you are, build your self-confidence by tuning into what you really think and feel.

10. Define what “taking risks” means to you – and take a little one every day. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you don’t trust yourself, don’t reach out to others, don’t be vulnerable, and above all don’t make waves. Take a small risk every day, whether that’s saying hi to your postal carrier or saying no to your mom!

My new favorite saying is: “To get something you’ve never had, do something you’ve never done.”

How do you build your self-confidence levels? Please comment below – I’d love to hear from you.

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The life lesson: giving people the benefit of the doubt can further your career and personal relationships! The successful woman: First Lady, Michelle Obama – who explained to Oprah why she now gives people the benefit of the doubt. 

“I think we should all have to get to know one another around kitchen tables,” said Michelle Obama to Oprah Winfrey in the April 2009 issue of O Magazine. “[The campaign trail] changed me. It’s helped me to give other people the benefit of the doubt.”

When was the last time you gave someone the benefit of the doubt? Me, I’m sometimes more likely to give strangers in traffic the benefit of the doubt than my own husband…which can be really destructive in a marriage! Giving people the benefit of the doubt can reduce your stress, improve your marriage, and increase your acceptance of yourself.

Here’s why Michelle Obama’s offhand comment is so important to successful living for women…and if you want to read her biography, click on Michelle: A Biography by Liza Mundy.

Giving People the Benefit of the Doubt – Michelle Obama

Giving people the benefit of the doubt means not assuming they’re out to get out, insulting you, or deliberately trying to make you fail. As Gene Fowler said, “Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.”

Here’s why Michelle Obama is now more likely to give people the benefit of the doubt:

“We fundamentally want the same things for ourselves and for each other,” she says. “We want our kids to be safe and to grow up with some resources and aspire to a slightly better life than ours. No one’s looking for a handout. People just want fairness and opportunity.”

(Brief aside: How can Michelle and Barack Obama’s kids EVER have a better life than their parents?! Seems pretty near impossible to me….I guess it depends how you define “better.”)

The benefit of the doubt stops the “us versus them” mentality. Say your boss slights you at work or your neighbor doesn’t invite you to her wedding. Let it go, instead of blowing it out of proportion – which leads to worse problems! If you’re prone to assigning reasons for people’s behavior, then think up one good reason for every bad one (eg, “My neighbor can’t afford to invite everyone – it might be a small wedding,” for every “She didn’t invite me because she doesn’t like my boyfriend.”).

The benefit of the doubt reduces stress. My beloved hubby sometimes gets furious in traffic, and resorts to name-calling and huge increases of blood pressure! It’s not just unhealthy for him, it stresses me out – and if we had kids, they’d be picking up on it too. Instead of getting aggravated, give people the benefit of the doubt by assuming they’re in a hurry, distracted for a legitimate reason, or don’t realize that they just cut you off.

The benefit of the doubt raises levels of self and other-acceptance. As the eminently successful Michelle Obama said, we all want the same basic things out of life.  The more we accept that people make mistakes or act without thinking of the consequences, the more we’ll be able to accept ourselves. And the more we accept ourselves, the more we’ll succeed! Accepting ourselves means bouncing back from mistakes faster and living with our own weaknesses…which spirals back to living peacefully with others, and living with their weaknesses.

The best time to give the benefit of the doubt is in traffic! If you assume that idiot driver who just cut you off is late for something important, has to pee like you wouldn’t believe, or just found out that his/her mom had a heart attack…it changes how you react. Which decreases your stress level, and leaves you feeling happier. Don’t you think?

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