“I used to be The Wife,” said Shirley Valentine. “I used to be The Mother. But now I’m Shirley Valentine again. Would you like to join me for a drink?”

This woman – who was living an “unused life” – lost her self-identity and the pizzazz of her youth. The young Shirley Valentine had personality and attitude, but she drowned in her marriage and kids. Her daughter and husband took her for granted and treated her like a servant…but she let them. Somewhere along the way Shirley Valentine taught her family how to mistreat her.

Valentine eventually found her way home to herself, and what a journey it was! If you haven’t seen Shirley Valentine, you must rent the DVD or borrow it from the library – it’s a great example of how to “See Jane Soar.” And if you feel like you’ve lost yourself, here are Susan Liddy’s tips for reconnecting with who you were….

Finding Strength and Wisdom in Your Past

“You are a gifted and empowered woman,” says Liddy, who created a free Passages to Empowerment video series. “You have a brilliant mind, a beautiful heart, and a spiritual and deep soul.”

And all those “younger you’s” who live inside you – who were rebellious, naive, feisty, curious, artistic (like Shirley Valentine!) – can serve you now! Embrace and love them, listen to them, feel them, and understand them. Follow your heart, and make choices based on who you are (and were!), what fulfills you and what brings meaning to your life.

4 Ways to Reconnect With Who You Were

1. Play with different careers. Be aware of the moments that feel passionate and purposeful. Find out what you were meant to do… maybe it’s even a number of different things or a career change. Approach your job with the same, open-minded inquisitiveness you had when you were fresh out of school.

2. Open your heart to romance. Let yourself love and be loved… even if only for a fleeting moment. Invite someone to go beyond that protective exterior, to meet the youthful spirit living inside, who yearns for affection, adventure, companionship and passion!

3. Explore new friendships; rekindle old ones. Give all of yourself, should that be your wish. Step out of your circle and welcome relationships with different kinds of people. Allow yourself to learn something from a new friend. And take the risk to love and find out how lovable you are!

4. Take up an old forgotten pastime. Or, take the time to master a few new tricks! Write, paint, dance, kickbox, run, read, create. Volunteer. Do something because a friend invited you and you’ve always wanted to try. Or, do something that no one is doing… just because it’s what you want to do.

Acknowledge and love yourself every step of the way.

Have you lost yourself – and do you want to reconnect with who you are? I welcome your thoughts and comments below…

 Susan Liddy is the founder and CEO of AspireLifeCoaching.org, a life coaching company on a mission to empower women globally. Susan is the author of the “Secrets to Ultimate Living; What you wish you knew when you were 20!”

Share/Save

Related posts:

1. 5 Ways to Get the Most Out of Your Life – Ayaan Hirsi Ali
2. 6 Ways to Create a Vision Board That Works – Martha Beck
3. 10 Ways to Build Self-Confidence – Queen Latifah

“The trick is not how much pain you feel – but how much joy you feel,” says Jong. “Any idiot can feel pain. Life is full of excuses to feel pain, excuses not to live, excuses, excuses, excuses.”

Shame and guilt are great excuses for denying yourself happiness and a full life! If you’re paralyzed with regrets about your past, I encourage you to find ways to move forward. Click on Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw for help, and read on for advice and research about overcoming shame and guilt…

Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong

Moving beyond the painful, paralyzing emotions of shame and guilt is not easy – but there is hope, my friends, for making mistakes and moving on! University of Alberta researcher Jessica Van Vliet studied these emotions and found specific things that help with overcoming shame and guilt.

First: realize that shame and guilt can improve your life. “Shame can prompt us to make changes that will help protect our relationships and also preserve the fabric of society. It’s important to emphasize that shame is essential and has value,” said Van Vliet. “The problem is when people get paralyzed with shame and withdraw from others. Not only can this create mental health problems for people, but also they no longer contribute as fully to society.”

How shame and guilt damages your health and well-being. Women who feel debilitated by shame tend to internalize and over-personalize the situation. They also seem resigned to being unable to change their feelings or their fate – and don’t allow themselves to believe that overcoming shame and guilt is possible. They don’t let themselves overcome failure and bounce back.

“When people experience shame, they may say to themselves ‘I’m to blame, it’s all my fault, all of me is bad, and there’s nothing I can do to change the situation,’” said Van Vliet. “They identify so much with shame that it takes over their entire view of themselves. That leads to an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness.”

Overcoming shame and guilt involves going to the dark place. Erica Jong says, “Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.” I think the “dark place” can be found in many situations and is different for all women. When it comes to talent, the dark place can be feeling selfish, or forcing self-discipline to stay motivated to pursue your dreams. When it comes to shame and guilt, the dark place can be sitting with and accepting those terrible feelings.

Step back from the problem. A key to overcoming shame and guilt involves view your problem in a different, objective light. It helps to identify external factors that contributed to your actions or situation (discrimination or peer pressure, for example) and differentiate between being a bad person versus doing something bad.

“When people move from a sense of uncontrollability to the belief that maybe there’s something they can do about their situation, such as apologizing or making amends for their actions, it starts increasing a sense of hope for the future,” says Van Vliet.

Connect with friends, family, a higher power, or humanity as a whole. “Connecting to others helps to increase self-acceptance, and with self-acceptance can come a greater acceptance of other people as well,” says Van Vliet. “People start to realize that it’s not just them. Other people do things that are as bad or even worse sometimes so they’re not the worst person on the planet. They start to say to themselves, ‘This is human, I am human, others are human.’”

Do you find the thought of overcoming shame and guilt scary or risky? Remember…“if you don’t risk anything you risk even more,” says Erica Jong.

I welcome your thoughts and questions on overcoming shame and guilt below…and if you found this article helpful, you might be interested in How to Fail and Bounce Back – Rachel Naomi Remen.

Source: University of Alberta (2009, September 9).” Overcoming Shame: Making Connections Is The Key, Says Researcher.” Van Vliet’s study was published in Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, and Practice.

Share/Save

Related posts:

1. Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong
2. Increase Your Creativity and Fire Up the Muse – Erica Jong
3. How to Use Your Instincts to Succeed at Work – Erica Jong

Maria Shriver’s mom, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, founded the Special Olympics. Her dad, Sargent Shriver, founded the Peace Corps. Before she became a journalist and writer, Maria Shriver felt enormous pressure to achieve and succeed! She has four kids with husband and governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Here’s what Shriver told Oprah Winfrey about letting go of the roles you play and finding your self-identity. To learn more about self-identity and authenticity, read Just Who Will You Be? Big Question. Little Book. Answer Within.

Secrets of Successful Women – 6 Life Lessons From Maria Shriver

“I was raised in a family that equated self-worth with personal achievement…if you weren’t accomplishing big, then you were being. You weren’t even seen,” said Maria Shriver. “Being seen for who you are – not what you do – is the greatest gift anyone can give you. The greatest gift I can give to my children is to live my own life.”

1. Accept that letting go of other people’s expectations is a process. You won’t be able to let go of other people’s expectations – or your own expectations of yourself – overnight. Letting go of the roles you play and finding your self-identity is a process that can take years. Shriver said she exhausted herself with her phenomenally fast-paced life, and she’s finally learning to dial it back, and just be with her children.

2. Know that your life doesn’t have to be defined by the roles you’ve been playing. You may be a wife, a mother, a doctor, a daughter-in-law, a pastor’s daughter – but that doesn’t define your life. “Just who will you be?” asks Shriver. You have the freedom to figure out who you’re going to be in your life – what hats you want to wear, and what hats you want to hang up for good.

3. Let yourself cry and rend your clothes. “It’s extremely liberating, that I cry,” said Shriver. “My mother was very tough.” Instead of swallowing your emotions or overeating to avoid them, let yourself cry, get angry, be sad, and put yourself first. This secret for successful women involves expressing your emotions, finding the courage become who you want to be, and keeping your self-identity intact.

4. Be kind to yourself. “I’ve found a new kindness and a new gentleness with myself,” said Shriver at an annual woman’s conference in California. She described how she nursed her sick mother — and how that changed her from being tough and aggressive to kind and compassionate. “I’ve realized I can be different. The best thing I could do for my mother is to mother her.” Shriver says she likes herself better when she’s gentle to herself and to others around her.

5. Know you’re not alone. “All of us will go through a time when we’re stuck, alone, and afraid,” said Shriver. Remember that you’re not emotionally or spiritually alone even if you are physically alone! Other women (even successful, famous women) have struggled and survived before you, and other women will come after you. This secret is about connecting with and gaining strength from women even if you don’t know them.

6. It’s never too late — no matter how old you are. Shriver encourages women to keep asking themselves “Who am I going to be?” She pledges to show up in life as herself — not an imitation of anyone else. Similarly, George Eliot said ”It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”

What do you think of these life lessons from Maria Shriver? Are you stuck in a certain role in your life…and do you want out?

Share/Save

Related posts:

1. Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations – Maria Shriver
2. Living Your Own Life – Maria Shriver’s Advice to Michelle Obama?
3. Inspiration for Successful Women – Mozart’s Mother and Sister

Just Who Will You Be?: Big Question. Little Book. Answer Within.

Here’s what she said at the Annual Women’s Conference:

“As long as I was trying to anticipate what people wanted from me, as long as I was trying to fulfill other people’s expectations, I was in a losing game,” said Shriver in 2007. ”That’s what I want to focus on…letting go of other people’s expectations of you so you can own your own life, write your own story and live your own legacy.”

Both of Shriver’s books (Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Went Into the Real World/Just Who Will You Be) focus on authenticity, self-acceptance, and honoring who you are as a woman. And, here are five ways to let go of other people’s expectations for you life, inspired by Maria Shriver.

Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations – Maria Shriver

1. Figure out which person wants what for your life. Maybe you’re applying for grad school or trying to lose 10 pounds — who is the source of your goals? Do you feel pushed into a life, job, marriage, or routine by other people? Are you forcing yourself to be someone you’re not? To let go of other people’s expectations, determine who wants what in your life. To figure out how to get what you want for your life, read Getting What You Want Out of Life – Angelina Jolie.

2. After you get real with yourself, get real with others. As hard as it is to express your true thoughts and feelings to other people (short-term pain), it’s even harder to live with the consequences of living up to other people’s expectations (long-term pain!). It takes practice to get and stay authentic…but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

3. Expect backlash from people who have their own agenda. You better believe people will squawk if you no longer pick up the slack at work, do the dishes every night, or cover for your fellow committee members! Let ‘em complain. Let ‘em get mad. They’ll eventually get over it. You can even commiserate and agree with them: “You’re right – everyone does have to do extra now that I’m not doing X all the time.”

4. Accept your own fears, frustrations, and anger. Let yourself moan and groan and be scared. Feel your fears and anxieties – and find ways to work through your feelings without losing sight of your goal. It’s okay to have feelings, but it’s not okay to let them cripple you.

5. Find your tribe. Surround yourself with people who want to see you become authentic, real, and focused on your own expecations of yourself. Who do you admire and connect with? Spend time with her or him. Soak up that delicious energy, and let it intensify your own energy.

Because of other people’s expectations, Maria Shriver gave up her career as a journalist to support Arnold Schwarzenegger as governer. She’s turned it around and is figuring out who she is in her own right — but she had to get lost to find herself.

What’s the biggest expectation other people have of you…and can you let it go? I welcome your comments below…

Share/Save

Related posts:

1. Secrets of Successful Women – 6 Life Lessons From Maria Shriver
2. Living Your Own Life – Maria Shriver’s Advice to Michelle Obama?
3. Saying Goodbye, Letting Go, and Moving On

“I think that whatever size or shape body you have, it’s important to embrace it and get down!” says singer Christina Aguilera. “The female body is something that’s so beautiful. I wish women would be proud of their bodies and not dis other women for being proud of theirs!”

And here’s another quotation about body confidence from Germaine Greer:

“I learned fairly early on that a beautiful woman doesn’t consider herself beautiful at all. She’s often crippled by lack of confidence. Every woman has something they dislike about themselves: if they’re blonde, they want to be dark, if they’re tall, they want to be short. If they have big breasts, they want to be flat-chested. The list is endless.” – Ed Burns in Germaine Greer’s The Whole Woman.

Don’t waste your energy, my friends! For more info on feeling better about your body, click Wanting to be Her: Body Image Secrets Victoria Won’t Tell You by Michelle Graham. And, read on for four ways to improve a negative body image…

Improving a Negative Body Image – Christina Aguilera

1. Accept that you’re not a mind reader. You may think you know what the guy in the elevator thinks of your body…but you don’t have a clue. To improve a negative body image, admit that you can’t read people’s minds! People are generally thinking about themselves 99% of the time: their work, their feelings, their opinions, their hunger pangs, their gas. You don’t know what people are thinking – so assume the best!

2. Let go of all-or-nothing beliefs. Accept yourself as a whole woman, flaws and warts and weaknesses and all. If your hair looks funny or you feel dumpy, it doesn’t mean you’re unattractive or fat! People don’t notice what you do – you’re your harshest critic. To improve a negative body image, practice enjoying yourself even if your hair isn’t perfect or your skin isn’t flawless.

3. Focus on your passions. To improve a negative body image, do something counterintuitive! Forget about your skin, weight, size, and shape. Instead, what do you love to do? What excites you, what makes you forget about time and place? Maybe you’ve always wanted to travel, paint, or explore the antique shops in the funkiest part of town. When you explore new things or concentrate on what makes you happy, you’ll increase your body esteem.

4. Stop hiding. Be real with others. I don’t just mean physically – I mean emotionally and intellectually. If you feel self-conscious about your belly or thighs, talk about it with your partner. Talk about where your lack of confidence as a woman stems from. To improve a negative body image, be authentic and real. You’ll not only feel better about yourself, you’ll encourage others to be real, too.

Do you struggle with a low body image? I suspect you might…I know I do! What woman doesn’t? Feel free to share your thoughts below. And before you go, here’s a great thought from a friend of mine:

“I look at pictures of myself when I was in my 30′s, and I can’t believe how beautiful I was,” said my 68 year old friend. “I was always trying to lose weight, I was always comparing myself to other women, and I was never happy with my appearance. What a waste of energy.”

Don’t waste your energy hating your body!

Share/Save

Related posts:

1. Coping With Negative Coworkers Who Drain Your Energy – Anais Nin
2. How to Handle Negative or Bossy Co-Workers – Sophia Loren
3. 10 Ways to Build Self-Confidence – Queen Latifah

“It would have been odd to have made this choice if I was able to have had successful pregnancies since my son’s birth,” said Parker in an Access Hollywood interview.

She’s talking about the twins she and husband Matthew Broderick are expecting by a surrogate mother. They have a six-year-old son together, want more children, and chose surrogacy as a final option. To delve further into authenticity and self-acceptance, read The Courage to Be Yourself: A Woman’s Guide to Emotional Strength and Self-Esteem by Sue Patton Thoele.

Accepting Your Infertility – Sarah Jessica Parker

I love that Sarah Jessica Parker is open to talking about not being able to get pregnant! I don’t know if being a star makes it more or less difficult to accept and talk about infertility (her fans will love her no matter what) – but I think she’s normalizing the fact that there are other ways to have children.

Parker is also defending her surrogate mother: “The most unsavory things have been done. She’s had her phone hacked, her personal computer information hacked; she’s had threats against her and true harassment.” Parker also says that the surrogate’s friends and family have been targeted.

All Parker wants is for her surrogate mother to stay healthy, and her twin girls to be born without stress and anxiety. But we hunger and thirst for every detail — which is the price famous women pay.

I’m not a fan of the whole “Sex and the City” part of who Sarah Jessica Parker is – but I love her honesty and willingness to share who she is. I think there’s a huge life lesson there!

Accept your body the way it is. A woman coping with infertility once told me, “I hate my broken ovaries.” I don’t think I’ll ever forget that, because it’s so unhealthy to reject – hate – part of your own body! It creates emotional barriers and physical animosity within yourself. Hating even a fingernail decreases your self-confidence and self-esteem.

To accept and honor who you are as a woman – like Sarah Jessica Parker accepts her infertility – you need to talk about your “weaknesses” in a nonjudgmental way. My friend who hates her broken ovaries has to practice accepting her female parts just the way they are. “My broken ovaries are part of me. I accept them – because I can’t reject a piece of who I am.”

Do you think Sarah Jessica Parker is a successful woman?  I’m also curious what you think of my not liking her TV show, yet holding her up as an example of how to See Jane Soar. Can I dislike her job (and how that affects how women see themselves), but like what she’s doing in her personal life?

If you’re coping with infertility, visit my Quips and Tips for Couples Coping With Infertility blog. You’re not alone, my friend!

Share/Save

Related posts:

1. Sarah Ban Breathnach – Dream, Don’t Expect
2. Reclaiming Your Personal Identity or Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach
3. Taking Care of Your Breast Health – Renée Zellweger

The life lesson: giving people the benefit of the doubt can further your career and personal relationships! The successful woman: First Lady, Michelle Obama – who explained to Oprah why she now gives people the benefit of the doubt. 

“I think we should all have to get to know one another around kitchen tables,” said Michelle Obama to Oprah Winfrey in the April 2009 issue of O Magazine. “[The campaign trail] changed me. It’s helped me to give other people the benefit of the doubt.”

When was the last time you gave someone the benefit of the doubt? Me, I’m sometimes more likely to give strangers in traffic the benefit of the doubt than my own husband…which can be really destructive in a marriage! Giving people the benefit of the doubt can reduce your stress, improve your marriage, and increase your acceptance of yourself.

Here’s why Michelle Obama’s offhand comment is so important to successful living for women…and if you want to read her biography, click on Michelle: A Biography by Liza Mundy.

Giving People the Benefit of the Doubt – Michelle Obama

Giving people the benefit of the doubt means not assuming they’re out to get out, insulting you, or deliberately trying to make you fail. As Gene Fowler said, “Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.”

Here’s why Michelle Obama is now more likely to give people the benefit of the doubt:

“We fundamentally want the same things for ourselves and for each other,” she says. “We want our kids to be safe and to grow up with some resources and aspire to a slightly better life than ours. No one’s looking for a handout. People just want fairness and opportunity.”

(Brief aside: How can Michelle and Barack Obama’s kids EVER have a better life than their parents?! Seems pretty near impossible to me….I guess it depends how you define “better.”)

The benefit of the doubt stops the “us versus them” mentality. Say your boss slights you at work or your neighbor doesn’t invite you to her wedding. Let it go, instead of blowing it out of proportion – which leads to worse problems! If you’re prone to assigning reasons for people’s behavior, then think up one good reason for every bad one (eg, “My neighbor can’t afford to invite everyone – it might be a small wedding,” for every “She didn’t invite me because she doesn’t like my boyfriend.”).

The benefit of the doubt reduces stress. My beloved hubby sometimes gets furious in traffic, and resorts to name-calling and huge increases of blood pressure! It’s not just unhealthy for him, it stresses me out – and if we had kids, they’d be picking up on it too. Instead of getting aggravated, give people the benefit of the doubt by assuming they’re in a hurry, distracted for a legitimate reason, or don’t realize that they just cut you off.

The benefit of the doubt raises levels of self and other-acceptance. As the eminently successful Michelle Obama said, we all want the same basic things out of life.  The more we accept that people make mistakes or act without thinking of the consequences, the more we’ll be able to accept ourselves. And the more we accept ourselves, the more we’ll succeed! Accepting ourselves means bouncing back from mistakes faster and living with our own weaknesses…which spirals back to living peacefully with others, and living with their weaknesses.

The best time to give the benefit of the doubt is in traffic! If you assume that idiot driver who just cut you off is late for something important, has to pee like you wouldn’t believe, or just found out that his/her mom had a heart attack…it changes how you react. Which decreases your stress level, and leaves you feeling happier. Don’t you think?

Share/Save

Related posts:

1. Living Your Own Life – Maria Shriver’s Advice to Michelle Obama?
2. Healing Female Friendships – Michelle Obama
3. 5 Signs of a Fearless Woman – Judge Marilyn Milian