“I did not lose myself all at once. I rubbed out my face over the years washing away my pain, the same way carvings on stone are worn down by water.”

How is your life wearing you down?

Again, it’s the book thing for me. I want to be a published author, but have so many doubts, fears, and hesitations. Mostly I don’t want to waste my time writing stuff that’ll never get published, that I’ll never be able to pass around in book form.

Are your relationships wearing you down?

I used to fear that my marriage would change who I am, would wear down my spark, life, and personality. I grew up with a single mom, and no men at all in the vicinity, so I thought men were….not “evil”, but draining and suffocating.

It turns out that marriage can lift you up and bring you to life! My marriage has shown me my greatest weaknesses, and my biggest strengths.

Maybe getting worn down by life depends on us. That is, maybe we have control over how much our lives and relationships will wear us down, and how much they’ll boost us up.

Back to Amy Tan’s words about getting worn down by life:

What pain are you washing away? What is slowly wearing your face, personality, and identity away?

Related posts:

1. Living Your Own Life – Maria Shriver’s Advice to Michelle Obama?
2. 5 Ways to Get the Most Out of Your Life – Ayaan Hirsi Ali
3. Secrets of Successful Women – 6 Life Lessons From Maria Shriver

“A woman must not depend upon the protection of man, but must be taught to protect herself,” said Anthony.

A huge part of protecting yourself — and living your best life – is staying as emotionally and physically healthy as possible! One of my favorite books about women’s health is Dr Donnica Moore’s Women’s Health For Life – click the cover for info. And, read on for seven simple habits for healthy women…

7 Habits That Improve a Woman’s Life

1. Acknowledge your health issues. What aren’t you dealing with? Irregular periods, obesity, eating disorders, chronic headaches, depression, diabetes…these health issues affect your mind, soul, and spirit. Make it your goal to cope with whatever health struggles you haven’t yet acknowledged. Check in with your physical and emotional selves regularly: what emotions, relationships, or issues are you avoiding? What do you need to take care of to improve your life?

2. Stay on top of those health issues. I have ulcerative colitis, which is a pain in the tush (literally). But, when I take care of myself by ensuring I have enough medication, enough sleep, low stress levels, etc I feel far more empowered and healthy than if I ignore it. If you’re coping with a chronic illness, make sure you’re as proactive as possible. Don’t let it flare out of control – it could trigger other health issues.

3. Vary your daily routine. Changing the route you take to work, doing different types of exercises, taking new classes, and meeting new people are simple habits that improve your brain health and increase energy levels. The more you shake things up, the happier and more invigorated you’ll feel…and the more adventures you’ll have!

4. Get your bike out of the garage. “Bicycling has done more to emancipate women than any one thing in the world,” said Susan B. Anthony. “It gives her a feeling of self-reliance and independence the moment she takes her seat; and away she goes, the picture of untrammelled womanhood.” This woman’s activist promoted cycling as a source of emotional health; and you know that the benefits of exercise extend far beyond independence and self-reliance! It’s not just about losing that last 10 pounds – it’s about feeling strong, fit, and healthy. Exercise boosts your self-confidence and self-esteem, which will help you be a successful woman.

5. Hit the sack at the same time every night. This simple habit is one of my favorite ways to stay healthy. If I don’t get enough sleep, I’m less productive, less satisfied at work and home, more likely to gain weight, and less interested in being physically intimate with my husband. Make sure you get enough sleep, and try and keep your sleep schedule consistent. This is not the time to “vary your daily routine” – healthy women simply have to get enough sleep.

6. Take a whiff of happiness. Peppermint, lavender, orange, and jasmine essential oils are energizing and mood enhancing. Improving your life isn’t always about making big changes, my friends…it’s about incorporating small, healthy habits into your life. Just shake a few drops of a citrus scent on a handkerchief and take a few minutes mid-morning or mid-afternoon to enjoy the aroma.

7. Flow with the circumstances in your life…including your age. Said Susan B. Anthony: “The older I get, the greater power I seem to have to help the world; I am like a snowball-the further I am rolled, the more I gain.” Aging often brings self-confidence, security, and the ability to let go of the little things. Embrace your age, and remember that most highly successful women aren’t teenagers or even in their twenties! Truly admirable women are often older, more focused, and comfortable with their age.

Do you have any simple habits that make you a healthier woman?  I welcome your comments below…

Related posts:

1. 6 Ways to Retain a Sense of Self When You’re in Love – Susan B. Anthony
2. Habits of a Healthy Marriage – Quips and Tips
3. 10 Habits of Highly Successful Women

About friendship, George Eliot said:

“Perhaps the most delightful friendships are those in which there is much agreement, much disputation, and yet more personal liking.”

Good friends agree about lots of things – and, better yet, are able to disagree about lots of things. If you have a friend that you just aren’t clicking with, read Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships by Susan Shapiro Barash.

If you have a toxic friend in your life, you might find Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez helpful. And, here are six ways to tell if you’re a toxic female friend…

Are You a Toxic Female Friend? – George Eliot

Five signs that you’re toxic…

You’re negative, and you can’t stop complaining. Do you hate your job, your ex-boyfriend, your mother, and your last vacation? Fine…but stop talking about it! Expressing your negative feelings is fine – good, even — but polluting the air with a nonstop monologue about how terrible your life is won’t help you make and keep lifelong friends.

You talk behind your friend’s back. You’re a toxic female friend if you share info about your friend, her habits, her work, her partner, or anything about her life. Gossip may feel good (and if you want to know why, read Is Gossip Good for You? – Barbara Walters) — but it just ain’t nice. And, it’ll destroy your friendship.

You don’t remember – or know – what’s happening in your friend’s life. How did your friend’s dad’s open heart surgery go? When is her birthday? How old are her kids? What does she want to be when she grows up? What’s her biggest struggle? You don’t know what’s going on in your friend’s life because you don’t ask. Or listen.

You give back-handed compliments. “I love your new haircut! It makes your face seem so slim.” I’m sure you’ve received “compliments” like this. If you find yourself making snide remarks (and let’s face it, ladies, we’ve all done it), cut yourself a piece of humble pie and apologize immediately. You could even explain why you were snippy (my grandma’s word) with your friend. This example of a toxic female friend is from Kelli Zink, host  of CelebTV.com — and so is the next one…

You put your friend down in public. If you don’t save your criticisms for private discussions, then you may be the poison in a toxic female friendship. Sometimes we need to confront a friend’s bad behavior – but not in public (the same goes for married couples!).

You don’t call, you don’t write. This may not be a sign of a truly toxic friendship, but if you never reach out, then you’re not much of a friend. Being a good friend can involve a quick, simple “Hey – how are you? Haven’t talked in ages, was thinking about you today.” If you never think to call or email your friend, then you’re not carrying your end of the canoe, my friend.

You drain other people’s energy. Are you an energy vampire? This may be difficult to figure out on your own, but it’s a strong sign that you’re a toxic female friend. Energy vampires leave people feeling drained, depressed, and exhausted. They ignore boundaries and other people’s needs. Energy vampires can be “drama queens” — making the smallest incident a huge deal. If you’re an energy vampire…you’re also a toxic friend.

What have I missed about toxic female friendships? I’d love to hear your thoughts or questions below…

If you have wonderful friendships in your life, one way to celebrate them is to throw a Goddess party.

Related posts:

1. Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez
2. Healing Female Friendships – Michelle Obama
3. 5 Ways to Help a Friend With Breast Cancer – Suzanne Somers

“As one goes through life, one learns that if you don’t paddle your own canoe, you don’t move.” – Katharine Hepburn.

For more inspiration and motivation, click on This is Not the Life I Ordered: 50 Ways to Keep Your Head Above Water When Life Keeps Dragging You Down by Deborah Collins Stephens, Jackie Speier, Michealene Crisini Risley, and Jan Yanehiro. And, read on for five steps to being a successful woman, inspired by quotations from Anita Roddick, Barbara Walters, Dorothea Brande, and Linda Ronstadt. See Jane Soar!

5 Ways to be a Successful Woman – Katherine Hepburn

You may be interested in reading The Definition of a Successful Woman – Eleanor Roosevelt.

1. Take back your power. You give away your power when you say or think things like, “Oh, I couldn’t do that!” and “I don’t deserve this,” and “How could anyone find me attractive, or hire me, or pay me that much money?” The first step to being a successful woman is to take back your power. Find the support and guidance you need; overcome your habit of being your own worst critic. Listen to Katherine Hepburn’s advice, and learn to paddle your own canoe.

2. Identify what’s holding you back.  “It’s not who you are that holds you back; it’s who you think you’re not,” said Barbara Walters. Do you think you’re not smart enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, or not strong enough? The second step to being a successful woman is to identify how you’re holding yourself back. Be aware of what you’re afraid of.

3. Tune in to your talents. “Have you let other people talk out you of pursuing something you’re good at?” ask the authors in This is Not the Life I Ordered. ”Have you bowed to pressure and abandoned a project that was meaningful to you?” Don’t let other people’s criticism or indifference quell your dreams. And remember — you are meaningful and valuable just the way you are.  “If you think you’re too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito,” said Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop.

4. Clean up your “to-do” list. The fourth step to being a successful woman is to get rid of your emotional and physical clutter! Get rid of the things you don’t need to do, that don’t matter, that don’t create value, that don’t make a difference. Figure out if you’re taking responsibility for stuff that isn’t yours. Make sure everything takes you toward the your goals and dreams – not away.

5. Create an upward spiral. Successful women turn “woe is me” into action - and proceed confidently. Poet Dorothea Brande said, ”All that is necessary to break the spell of inertia and frustration is this: Act as if it were impossible to fail.” No matter what you’re struggling with or how defeated you feel, take one step forward. Maybe that means calling for a college course guide or searching for grief support groups on the internet.

Maybe creating an upward spiral means that you have to accept change and take risks:

“So life changes and you have to change too. I don’t like change, but I’ve learned you just put your hands over your eyes and step off the edge.” – Linda Ronstadt.

What do you think about these steps to being a successful woman? I welcome your comments below…

Related posts:

1. 5 Signs of a Fearless Woman – Judge Marilyn Milian
2. The Definition of a Successful Woman – Eleanor Roosevelt
3. 6 Steps to Solving Almost Any Work Problem – Helen Gurley Brown

The idea of connection as a key to success is new to me, because I’ve always been the strong, independent type. My “aha” moment came from Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers: The Story of Success, which describes why certain people are extraordinarily successful.

Success isn’t all about talent and perseverance – Gladwell points out that one of the biggest keys to success is the people around you. People don’t succeed in isolation, and Oprah Winfrey is the perfect example of how connecting with others improves your life.

The Key to Success for Women - Oprah Winfrey

“Every one of us gets through the tough times because somebody is there, standing in the gap to close it for us,” says Oprah.

But connecting with people isn’t just about getting through tough times! Connections can help you get what you want out of life, whether you’re selling your products or convincing your husband to move to Maui.

Successfully selling your product or service. I’m a freelance writer who pitches article ideas to editors regularly (visit me on Quips and Tips Successful Writers!). I’ve learned that if the editor doesn’t connect with my idea or story, she won’t assign it because she thinks the readers won’t connect with it. Further, if I have a personal or professional connection with the editor or magazine, then I’m more likely to get an assignment without even pitching an idea! Connecting with your clients or customers is not just a key to success for women…it’s the cornerstone of a successful career.

Convincing your family to “fall in.” Have you ever tried to force your child, spouse, or sister to do something they’re lukewarm about? It’s a losing battle – unless you can find a way to connect with them. I guess it’s about making them want to do the thing you want…and the key to convincing them is to find a way to connect. For a marriage, this could involve explaining why you need your husband to relocate to Maui with you (instead of just telling him you’re moving).

But remember – you have to be real! Connecting with others to improve your life can’t be superficial or one-sided. You have to give to get – and it feels great to help others. Connecting involves building relationships to help each other achieve, and not envying or resenting another person’s achievement. If you find yourself green with jealousy, read Making Envy Work for You – Helen Gurley Brown.

Also, people don’t like books or movies when they don’t connect with the characters, plot, or theme. For instance, I didn’t like the Titanic movie at all – because I just didn’t connect with it. As a writer, I have to keep remembering that if readers don’t connect to my topic, then they won’t read.

Connection is the key to success for women; luckily, we’re good at it!

Do you connect well with others — and has it helped your career? I welcome your thoughts below!

Related posts:

1. How to Live Your Best Life – Oprah Winfrey
2. 5 Ways to Recharge Your Batteries – Oprah Winfrey
3. The Key to Success for Female Entrepreneurs – Coco Chanel

Here’s what Gurley Brown says about envy:

“Nearly every glamorous, wealthy, successful career woman you might envy now started out as some kind of schlep.”

Few women are born successful, fulfilled, happy, and living the life of their dreams. To make envy work for you (instead of draining your energy and deadening your spirit), remember that the successful woman you envy had to work hard - and overcome criticism, rejection, and failure – to fulfill her dreams and aspirations. Did her success simply fall into her lap via an inheritance, marriage, or sheer stupid luck? Maybe, but don’t forget that she’s facing a hard battle, too. Life is hard for everyone – just in different ways.

The following info about envy comes from the amazing book, 9 Secrets of Women Who Get Everything They Want by Kate White. I read the whole thing in a day – and I’m dying to read it again, because of all practical information and personal insights White offers. She was the editor-in-chief of Redbook when she wrote this (Helen Gurley Brown was the editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan magazine).

Making Envy Work for You – Helen Gurley Brown

“What I learned from successful women is that rather than suppress or deny envy like the rest of us, they do something with it,” writes White in 9 Secrets of Women Who Get Everything They Want. “Think of envy as a compass of sorts. An envy attack can point you directly to what you want the most.”

Envy can work for you by showing you want you really want out of life – not what other people think you should want, or even what you think you should want. I’ve always envied women who have strong family ties, because I grew up with a single mom and almost no relatives. It’s hard not to let my envy of close-knit families get the better of me – especially as I think about having children of my own – but I’d rather cultivate the relationships I do have than waste time wanting what I’ll never have.

“The big surprise about envy,” says Ann Ulanov, PhD, author of Cinderella and Her Sisters, “is that it really can lead to something good. If you can stop and examine the feeling of wanting what someone else has – which takes a lot of energy – you’ll find that what you’re seeing in the other person’s life is really a good thing. Envy, after all, is admiration gone sour. At the bottom of envy is a lavish, all-out sighting of good qualities and a registering of awe and amazement at them.”

To make envy work for you, remember that envy tells you what you want. Listen to your envy. Use your envy to nourish your passion and excitement at the thought of getting what you want out of life! Focus on motivation, connection, and direction (rather than dejection, bitterness, or pointless jealousy).

Do you envy a successful woman – and how do her achievements make you feel about yourself? Can you turn that energy around into a motivating force? And, if you have any thoughts on the difference between envy and jealousy, I’d love to hear them…

Related posts:

1. 6 Steps to Solving Almost Any Work Problem – Helen Gurley Brown
2. Making Yourself Sick With Breast Cancer? Olivia Newton-John
3. How to Use Your Instincts to Succeed at Work – Erica Jong