George Eliot was a big believer in not losing yourself, in standing up for yourself, in following your heart, and in achieving your goals.

“Be courteous, be obliging, but don’t give yourself over to be melted down for the benefit of the tallow trade,” she said.

My friends, a long-term committed romantic relationship can be the best thing that ever happens to you. Or it can be the worst thing – if you lose your personal identity in that relationship. If you’re struggling with life, losing yourself, and figuring out who you are, click on This is Not the Life I Ordered: 50 Ways to Keep Your Head Above Water When Life Keeps Dragging You Down by Deborah Collins Stephens et al. It’s one of my favorite books on how to be authentic and successful.

And, read on to learn how not to lose your personality identity in a romantic relationship…

How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship

Realize when you’re “giving yourself over.” Healthy romantic relationships require compromise on both parts. To keep your personal identity, recognize when you’re acting on behalf of the relationship (such as going to boxing matches with your sweetie or making some sort of sacrifice) versus soaking up new likes or activities that aren’t who you are (such as taking on the “I love boxing!” mentality).

Spend time with your friends. Many women lose touch with their friends when they fall in love…it’s a normal part of the whole romantic relationship cycle! When you’re first falling in love, you spend more time with your lover. But, it’s important to balance that new, exciting part of your life with your “old” life: your friends and family. To keep your personality identity, keep your friends (if you struggle with toxic friends, read Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez).

Confess the bad bits to your friends and family. I’ve dated men who had personality and character traits that I could not tell my friends and family about! I was embarrassed and even ashamed that the man I was in a romantic relationship with had those traits…so I didn’t tell anyone about them. That, my friends, is one way to lose your personal identity in a romantic relationship. To stay connected to who you are, talk about the things that bother you about your boyfriend and your relationship. Force yourself to be honest and real.

Listen to the poet Rumi, and “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” In the first blush of love, you want to be together all the time! Stop that. Take a step back. Tune into your heart and soul, and make sure you’re staying connected to who you are. Think about who this man is and what you want out of life…are they compatible? Make decisions about your relationship with both your head and your heart…not just your heart.

If you’ve lost yourself or your personal identity in a relationship, find hope and inspiration in George Eliot’s words: “It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”

What do you think of these suggestions for not losing your identity in a romantic relationship? I welcome your comments below…and if you want to find who you are after losing yourself in a relationship, let me know! I’d be happy to write that article.

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Related posts:

1. Reclaiming Your Personal Identity or Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach
2. Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt
3. How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing,” says Quindlen, “is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of being yourself.”

Giving up on certain goals for your own good involves:

• looking at your goals
• determining if they’re achievable and healthy
• either re-evaluating them or giving them up entirely

Giving up for your own good is about learning how to let go of your goals without feeling like a failure. It’s about seeing success and opportunity in quitting — and about quitting one goal to make room for another. For help setting and achieving your intentions in life, read What Are Your Goals: Powerful Questions to Discover What You Want Out of Life. And, here are two ways to know if your goals are good for you…

How to Know if Your Goals Are Good for You

Before you think about letting go of certain goals, consider these two guidelines:

1. Does your goal represent who you are? “If you’re pursuing something that doesn’t honor who you are, it’ll make you sick,” says Sandra Anne Taylor, co-author of Secrets of Success: The Science and Spirit of Real Prosperity. “The results will be negative.” Whether your goal is professional, personal, social or spiritual – it has to honor who you are to be worthwhile. Your goal has to be in line with your personality, beliefs, values, and future plans.

2. Surrender the outcome of your dreams. “Surrender the outcome so that you don’t move into urgency and desperation,” says Taylor. “Take action towards your goals, and periodically stop to reevaluate if the action is working. Be flexible with that action, and move in a different direction if necessary.”

This doesn’t mean that you stop caring about the outcome of your efforts – or achieving your goals. Surrendering the outcome means you’re open to anything. You can flow into new experiences and re-evaluate what’s not working. You still hope and dream, but you’re not clinging to one particular outcome.

Some goals you’ll want to give up on because the time has passed and it’s not healthy for you to continue. Other goals just require that you stay focused, determined, and resilient! The trick is knowing when to keep trying, and when to move on — which is why creating a life plan is important.

Setting new intentions and goals in life is a process. Being a successful, strong, empowered woman doesn’t happen overnight. For instance, I’m slowly beginning to realize that getting pregnant and having my own biological children may something I need to let go of. I think the gradual process of accepting that it’s time to let go of certain life dreams and hopes makes it much easier to move towards something new and different.

Also – learning how to fail and bounce back (resiliency) is an important component of being an authentic, strong, successful woman.

Are you determined to achieve goals that aren’t good for you, or that are even impossible? I welcome your thoughts and questions below…

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Related posts:

1. 10 Habits of Highly Successful Women
2. Creating a Successful Life Plan for Women – Serena Williams
3. How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship

Just Who Will You Be?: Big Question. Little Book. Answer Within.

Here’s what she said at the Annual Women’s Conference:

“As long as I was trying to anticipate what people wanted from me, as long as I was trying to fulfill other people’s expectations, I was in a losing game,” said Shriver in 2007. ”That’s what I want to focus on…letting go of other people’s expectations of you so you can own your own life, write your own story and live your own legacy.”

Both of Shriver’s books (Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Went Into the Real World/Just Who Will You Be) focus on authenticity, self-acceptance, and honoring who you are as a woman. And, here are five ways to let go of other people’s expectations for you life, inspired by Maria Shriver.

Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations – Maria Shriver

1. Figure out which person wants what for your life. Maybe you’re applying for grad school or trying to lose 10 pounds — who is the source of your goals? Do you feel pushed into a life, job, marriage, or routine by other people? Are you forcing yourself to be someone you’re not? To let go of other people’s expectations, determine who wants what in your life. To figure out how to get what you want for your life, read Getting What You Want Out of Life – Angelina Jolie.

2. After you get real with yourself, get real with others. As hard as it is to express your true thoughts and feelings to other people (short-term pain), it’s even harder to live with the consequences of living up to other people’s expectations (long-term pain!). It takes practice to get and stay authentic…but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

3. Expect backlash from people who have their own agenda. You better believe people will squawk if you no longer pick up the slack at work, do the dishes every night, or cover for your fellow committee members! Let ‘em complain. Let ‘em get mad. They’ll eventually get over it. You can even commiserate and agree with them: “You’re right – everyone does have to do extra now that I’m not doing X all the time.”

4. Accept your own fears, frustrations, and anger. Let yourself moan and groan and be scared. Feel your fears and anxieties – and find ways to work through your feelings without losing sight of your goal. It’s okay to have feelings, but it’s not okay to let them cripple you.

5. Find your tribe. Surround yourself with people who want to see you become authentic, real, and focused on your own expecations of yourself. Who do you admire and connect with? Spend time with her or him. Soak up that delicious energy, and let it intensify your own energy.

Because of other people’s expectations, Maria Shriver gave up her career as a journalist to support Arnold Schwarzenegger as governer. She’s turned it around and is figuring out who she is in her own right — but she had to get lost to find herself.

What’s the biggest expectation other people have of you…and can you let it go? I welcome your comments below…

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1. Secrets of Successful Women – 6 Life Lessons From Maria Shriver
2. Living Your Own Life – Maria Shriver’s Advice to Michelle Obama?
3. Saying Goodbye, Letting Go, and Moving On

“One of the most important milestones we’ll hit along the way is the moment when we finally own our own unique point of view and realize how priceless it is,” writes Ban Breathnach in Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort of Joy.

Keeping your self-identity involves honoring and expressing your own unique point of view – which can be alot harder than it sounds! Especially because losing yourself is so easy:

“The greatest danger, that of losing one’s own self, may pass off quietly as if it were nothing; every other loss, that of an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. is sure to be noticed.” – Soren Kierkegaard.

It’s insidious and gradual, this losing of self. Just a speck at a time and suddenly there’s fuzzy grey matter where your self used to be, sort of like your sock gradually thinning until there’s a hole where your heel once rested. A speck at a time, you could lose your self. It’s relatively easy to detect and even prevent the formation of a hole in your sock, but how, exactly, do you recognize and hold on to the specks of your self? I’m not sure. When figuring out how to hold on to our self-identity, perhaps we should start with the end result – the loss of your self-identity – and work our way to the beginning.

Keeping Your Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach

In my marriage so far my greatest fear is being In Charge of the House.

To me, being In Charge of the House means knowing where everything is all the time, from the cottage cheese (easy) to the Murphy’s Soap (not so easy). It means taking over the laundry, cooking, groceries, dusting and wiping tables counters stovetops sinks bathtubs. It means organizing meals when I’m not around at dinnertime, or at least making food suggestions. It means making sure we don’t run out of oatmeal, chocolate chips, flour, or oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. It means making all the dentist or doctor appointments. It means ironing stuff.

To me, being In Charge of The House represents a loss of self-identity. But, keeping your self-identity for some women is being in charge of the house – because we’re all unique. If you’ve lost your sense of self, you might find 4 Ways to Reconnect With Who You Were – Shirley Valentine helpful.

Be in Charge of Fulfilling Your Dreams

I want to be in charge of fulfilling my dreams and getting what I want out of life, not the filling the fridge! I see so many moms take complete, full-time care of their homes, husbands and grown children for decades. How did it come to be? Did they succeed in fulfilling their girlhood dreams – and if so, bravo! – or did they quietly drift into their lives, not realizing they could be losing themselves speck by speck?

Kierkegaard’s belief that our selves “pass off quietly as if it were nothing” makes sense because it’s difficult to recognize loss when it occurs just a speck at a time. Holding on to your self-identity involves protecting each piece of yourself.

Finding Yourself a Speck at a Time

If we lose our selves speck by speck, then can’t we rediscover our selves speck by speck? I believe the technical term is “respecking your self” by holding on to your self-identity. I also believe the “inconsequential” actions gather strength and power, enough to thrust you into exciting adventures!

“Respecking” your self involves discovering what you really think, and then – when you’re ready – sharing it with your colleague, friend, spouse, child, or parent. It’s realizing that instead of working you’d rather be reading dancing gardening running daydreaming swimming – and doing it even just for half an hour. It’s heeding what you already know: what you want to do, how you want your life to be, who you are, and with whom you want to spend your time…and speck by speck creating, saving, recreating and just plain being yourself.

“Respecking” your self is how you hold on to your self-identity.

What do you think — are you focused on reclaiming your personal identity? I welcome your thoughts and questions below…

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Related posts:

1. How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship
2. 7 Ways to Overcome Procrastination at Work – Sarah Ban Breathnach
3. Sarah Ban Breathnach – Dream, Don’t Expect

“It would have been odd to have made this choice if I was able to have had successful pregnancies since my son’s birth,” said Parker in an Access Hollywood interview.

She’s talking about the twins she and husband Matthew Broderick are expecting by a surrogate mother. They have a six-year-old son together, want more children, and chose surrogacy as a final option. To delve further into authenticity and self-acceptance, read The Courage to Be Yourself: A Woman’s Guide to Emotional Strength and Self-Esteem by Sue Patton Thoele.

Accepting Your Infertility – Sarah Jessica Parker

I love that Sarah Jessica Parker is open to talking about not being able to get pregnant! I don’t know if being a star makes it more or less difficult to accept and talk about infertility (her fans will love her no matter what) – but I think she’s normalizing the fact that there are other ways to have children.

Parker is also defending her surrogate mother: “The most unsavory things have been done. She’s had her phone hacked, her personal computer information hacked; she’s had threats against her and true harassment.” Parker also says that the surrogate’s friends and family have been targeted.

All Parker wants is for her surrogate mother to stay healthy, and her twin girls to be born without stress and anxiety. But we hunger and thirst for every detail — which is the price famous women pay.

I’m not a fan of the whole “Sex and the City” part of who Sarah Jessica Parker is – but I love her honesty and willingness to share who she is. I think there’s a huge life lesson there!

Accept your body the way it is. A woman coping with infertility once told me, “I hate my broken ovaries.” I don’t think I’ll ever forget that, because it’s so unhealthy to reject – hate – part of your own body! It creates emotional barriers and physical animosity within yourself. Hating even a fingernail decreases your self-confidence and self-esteem.

To accept and honor who you are as a woman – like Sarah Jessica Parker accepts her infertility – you need to talk about your “weaknesses” in a nonjudgmental way. My friend who hates her broken ovaries has to practice accepting her female parts just the way they are. “My broken ovaries are part of me. I accept them – because I can’t reject a piece of who I am.”

Do you think Sarah Jessica Parker is a successful woman?  I’m also curious what you think of my not liking her TV show, yet holding her up as an example of how to See Jane Soar. Can I dislike her job (and how that affects how women see themselves), but like what she’s doing in her personal life?

If you’re coping with infertility, visit my Quips and Tips for Couples Coping With Infertility blog. You’re not alone, my friend!

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Related posts:

1. Sarah Ban Breathnach – Dream, Don’t Expect
2. Reclaiming Your Personal Identity or Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach
3. Taking Care of Your Breast Health – Renée Zellweger