“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men,” writes Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India, and Indonesia. “I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness.”

Are you with a man you think could be great – but who actually abuses you physically, mentally, or emotionally? Get help! Click on The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change? A Woman’s Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Patricia Evans. And, check out these five suggestions for leaving emotionally and mentally abusive relationships.

First, here’s one of the best comments I’ve ever read! It’s from my article called Recognizing 4 Types of Abuse, on Suite101 (where I’m the Psychology Feature Writer):

“I’M DOING IT!!! 4 days to go!!” writes this reader. “I’m finally leaving my emotionally abusive relationship (one time he choked me). I’ve tried countless times to leave. I decided the only way out is run far, far away. A mover came today and took my belongings to the other side of the country (literally). I’ve booked my flight and accommodation. I don’t have a job on the other side but, I’ll figure something out. I’m outta here! Finally, I can learn to be myself again. I’m no longer going to be nervous or scared to offend that guy.”

How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert

1. Get out of the city. Sometimes the only way to deal with spousal abuse is to move clear across the country. It’s definitely not fair – and very painful – that you have to leave your family, friends, job, and the life you have…but moving away may be the only way to stop abuse and protect yourself and your kids.

2. Take one step at a time. Looking at the whole picture (gotta get a home, a job, new friends, furniture for my new place, etc etc etc) is completely overwhelming! Instead, focus on the first step: figuring out where you will go. Then, get your stuff packed up – or leave your stuff there, and start over with new stuff (buying secondhand furniture, clothes, and stuff for the house is inexpensive and easy!). When you’re leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship, take it one step at a time.

3. Focus on building resiliency. How well do you bounce back from problems? That’s your “bouncebackability” or resilience. The easier it is for you to bounce back, the healthier and stronger you’ll be. Read 5 Ways to Build Resliliency – JK Rowling for for tips on bouncing back.

4. Focus on why you’re leaving. Push everything else aside, and focus on how destructive the mental abuse, verbal abuse, or emotional abuse is. Don’t fall into Elizabeth Gilbert’s old habit of counting on your husband or boyfriend’s potential for change. How has he has acted in the past? That’s likely how he’ll act in the future. Let his abuse be your motivation – not a blanket of shame that suffocates and paralyzes you.

5. Protect your kids from their own future abusive relationships. Research shows that many women stay with physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive partners because of their children. These mothers believe they’re doing the right thing for their kids by staying in the bad relationship. Solveig Vatnar is a researcher and psychologist who at the University of Oslo who found that children are harmed by witnessing violence between their parents. Plus, kids who see one parent being abused by the other are at a higher risk for ending up in abusive relationships themselves (read Partner Violence Continues After Break-up on ScienceDaily for the research).

Leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship is difficult…but it’s not impossible!  When you’re ready, you can do it — and it may just be easier than you think. If you’ve lost your self-identity (and many abused women have), read Keeping Your Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach.

What do you think? I welcome your thoughts and questions on leaving physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive relationships below…for more info, read 7 Ways to Tell if Your Marriage is Over, on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals.

If you want to get your marriage back on track, you may find Save My Marriage Today helpful — it includes how to avoid the most common reasons for divorce.

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Related posts:

1. 5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship – Tina Turner
2. 3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt
3. How to Find the Strength to Leave a Bad Relationship – Gloria Steinem

“The willingness to win OR lose moves us out of an adversarial relationship to life and into a powerful kind of openness,” writes Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen in Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal. “From such a position, we can make a greater commitment to life.”

Kitchen Table Wisdom is one of my all-time favorite books because it’s all about accepting — living and feeling – both the bitter and the sweet parts of life. There’s no doubt that life brings rejection, failure, heartache, disappointment, and pain…but it also brings success, healing, joy, fulfillment, love and laughter.

We — to be successful women – have to snuggle up to failure and increase our “bouncebackability” factor!

How to Fail and Bounce Back – Rachel Naomi Remen

Dr Remen is an oncologist who never married or had children. She struggled with Crohn’s Disease for most her life, and when she was in her 20s had surgery to remove most of her intestines. Remen knows failure and heartache…and she teaches people how to bounce back to live full, passionate lives.

“Joy seems to be part of an unconditional wish to live, not holding back because life may not meet our preferences and expectations,” writes Remen. “Joy seems to be a function of the willingness to accept the whole, and to show up to meet with whatever there is.”

To bounce back from failure,  let go of your attachment to a specific outcome. Work towards your goal of healing, achieving, or being — but be open to other paths! You’ll be surprised at how many roads to and forms of success exist. For instance, one of the magazines I often wrote for last year has suddenly collapsed…and poof! Just like that, one stream of income burbles down the drain. And, my agent recently reported that his top publishers for my See Jane Soar book have more or less all rejected my proposal. Sigh.

“Rather than the warrior who fights toward a specific outcome and therefore is haunted by the specter of failure and disappointment, it is the lover drunk with the opportunity to love despite the possibility of loss, the player for whom playing is more important that winning or losing,” writes Remen.

To bounce back from failure, trust your gut. For instance, at a party last week I was fascinated by a businesswoman. When she went to refresh her drink, I followed. Five minutes later, I discovered that her health company was looking for a freelance writer to interview doctors and write articles — and I’m a freelance writer who specializes in health articles! We exchanged cards. She’s not a publisher or the editor of a national magazine, but she’s a successful businesswoman – and together, we could achieve goals that we didn’t even know were possible.

To bounce back from failure, don’t fight with your life. Dance with it. To be a successful woman — and better yet, to enjoy your life — practice trusting your gut and following up on events or with people. Be curious about life and people, not stuck on the way things “should” be. Be open to taking new paths, not focused on what “should” happen.

Have you failed and bounced back? Do you let fear of failure (or success) paralyze you? In my writing career, I’ve received dozens of rejections from magazine editors, book publishers, and literary agents…and each rejection matters less.

Don’t be afraid to take a few knocks, my friends. They’ll make you stronger!

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Related posts:

1. Turning Failure to Success for Female Entrepreneurs – Maya Angelou
2. 5 Ways to Learn From Your Mistakes – Ella Fitzgerald
3. Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong