“Women have to be able to champion other women,” said Michelle Obama in a recent issue of Oprah Magazine. “We have to root for each other’s successes and not delight in one another’s failures.”

Rooting for your friend’s successes can be difficult – especially if you’re prone to jealousy or insecurity (like we all are at times!). For more info about healing female friendships, click When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You. And, read on for tips on repairing relationships and keeping  friends for the long haul…

Healing Female Friendships – Michelle Obama

Is there a friend who you don’t talk to? Did you argue about something, or just drift apart — or did you have an unexpected relationship breakup? Here are a few things to think about if you want to be friends again…

Figure out the cause of the estrangement. Female friendships can be broken through neglect, betrayal, arguments, or broken promises. Identifying and airing the cause of the breakup can make reconnecting with friends much easier. Plus, the more you know about broken relationships, the healthier your future friendships will be!

Make the first move to repair the relationship, says Michelle Obama. “If there is anyone who has a broken relationship with another woman, if there was a woman in your life that you have not communicated with because of ego or embarrassment or jealousy or fear of rejection, a sister or a friend or a mother or a child who could or should be a part of your community,” says Obama, “I ask you to reach out to that woman today.”

Remember that female friendships have ups and downs. Most relationships go through cycles of closeness and distance, connection and disconnection. To keep your friendships healthy and strong, accept that these natural stages – and perhaps pay a little more attention to your friends during the periods of distance.

Accept your friends for who they are. The best, healthiest part of friendship is not trying to change people! If you want to keep your friend, you should accept her quirks, weaknesses, and foibles…without wanting her to be different or trying to change her personality.

Identify toxic female friends. Some relationships aren’t worth repairing because they’re destructive, unhealthy, or difficult. To learn if you’re in a toxic friendship, read Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez. To find out if you’re the toxic friend, read Are You a Toxic Female Friend? George Eliot.

One last quotation from Michelle Obama:

“One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals. And so when I hear about negative and false attacks, I really don’t invest any energy in them, because I know who I am.”

If you have any questions or thoughts on healing female friendships or repairing relationships, I welcome you below!

Related posts:

1. Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez
2. Living Your Own Life – Maria Shriver’s Advice to Michelle Obama?
3. Giving People the Benefit of the Doubt – Michelle Obama

About friendship, George Eliot said:

“Perhaps the most delightful friendships are those in which there is much agreement, much disputation, and yet more personal liking.”

Good friends agree about lots of things – and, better yet, are able to disagree about lots of things. If you have a friend that you just aren’t clicking with, read Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships by Susan Shapiro Barash.

If you have a toxic friend in your life, you might find Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez helpful. And, here are six ways to tell if you’re a toxic female friend…

Are You a Toxic Female Friend? – George Eliot

Five signs that you’re toxic…

You’re negative, and you can’t stop complaining. Do you hate your job, your ex-boyfriend, your mother, and your last vacation? Fine…but stop talking about it! Expressing your negative feelings is fine – good, even — but polluting the air with a nonstop monologue about how terrible your life is won’t help you make and keep lifelong friends.

You talk behind your friend’s back. You’re a toxic female friend if you share info about your friend, her habits, her work, her partner, or anything about her life. Gossip may feel good (and if you want to know why, read Is Gossip Good for You? – Barbara Walters) — but it just ain’t nice. And, it’ll destroy your friendship.

You don’t remember – or know – what’s happening in your friend’s life. How did your friend’s dad’s open heart surgery go? When is her birthday? How old are her kids? What does she want to be when she grows up? What’s her biggest struggle? You don’t know what’s going on in your friend’s life because you don’t ask. Or listen.

You give back-handed compliments. “I love your new haircut! It makes your face seem so slim.” I’m sure you’ve received “compliments” like this. If you find yourself making snide remarks (and let’s face it, ladies, we’ve all done it), cut yourself a piece of humble pie and apologize immediately. You could even explain why you were snippy (my grandma’s word) with your friend. This example of a toxic female friend is from Kelli Zink, host  of CelebTV.com — and so is the next one…

You put your friend down in public. If you don’t save your criticisms for private discussions, then you may be the poison in a toxic female friendship. Sometimes we need to confront a friend’s bad behavior – but not in public (the same goes for married couples!).

You don’t call, you don’t write. This may not be a sign of a truly toxic friendship, but if you never reach out, then you’re not much of a friend. Being a good friend can involve a quick, simple “Hey – how are you? Haven’t talked in ages, was thinking about you today.” If you never think to call or email your friend, then you’re not carrying your end of the canoe, my friend.

You drain other people’s energy. Are you an energy vampire? This may be difficult to figure out on your own, but it’s a strong sign that you’re a toxic female friend. Energy vampires leave people feeling drained, depressed, and exhausted. They ignore boundaries and other people’s needs. Energy vampires can be “drama queens” — making the smallest incident a huge deal. If you’re an energy vampire…you’re also a toxic friend.

What have I missed about toxic female friendships? I’d love to hear your thoughts or questions below…

If you have wonderful friendships in your life, one way to celebrate them is to throw a Goddess party.

Related posts:

1. Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez
2. Healing Female Friendships – Michelle Obama
3. 5 Ways to Help a Friend With Breast Cancer – Suzanne Somers

 ”The easiest kind of relationship for me is with 10,000 people,” said Joan Baez. “The hardest is with one.”

Why are relationships with crowds of people easy? Because you don’t have to deal with the individual quirks – or toxic tendencies – of one individual. You don’t have to be vulnerable, honest, or understanding…and you don’t have to work things out.

For more info on female friendships, click on The Power of Female Friendship: How Your Circle of Friends Shapes Your Life by Paul Dobransky and L.A. Stamford. And, read on to learn how to cope with toxic female friendships…

The idea for this article came from one of my Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals readers, who asked how to confront her best friend’s destructive habits.

Signs of Toxic Female Friendships:

• You don’t discuss your successes for fear of jealousy, criticism, or negative feedback
• You make all the effort to stay in touch; she never calls, she never writes
• You leave your visits feeling deflated, exhausted, angry, or depressed
• You’re constantly “cleaning up” after your friend
• You lie for your friend
• Your friend gossips or spreads rumors (read Is Gossip Good for You? – Barbara Walters for info about gossip!)
• Your friend flirts with your boyfriend, husband, or life partner
• Your friend needs constant physical, spiritual, or emotional support
• You don’t respect or support how your friend is living her life
• You can’t be yourself in your friendship
• You dread taking her calls or spending time with her

Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez

Identify the problem. What exactly is “toxic” about your friendship? What bothers you or makes you wish things were different with your friend? More importantly — is it her…or is it you? Jealousy, envy, or dissatisfaction with your own life can lead you to blame or dislike others. If you’re jealous of her, read Making Envy Work for You – Helen Gurley Brown.

Decide how “big” the problem is. Some problems – such as a friend who is constantly late – may simply require you to tweak your own attitude (eg, bring a book, journal, or laptop when waiting for your friend, so you can use your time productively). Other problems – such as a friend who undermines your successes or who is critical or negative – are truly toxic and may require that you limit or cut off all contact.

Set your boundaries. Figure out what you need to do to “cleanse” your toxic female friendship. For instance, one of my closest friends struggled with my “no taking personal phone calls during the day” rule (I’m a home-based freelance writer, and people think the daytime is perfect for phone calls!). She kept saying things like “I would’ve called and talked to you about it, but you don’t take calls during the day.” Meow. I decided to let it go – she’s an amazing friend in every other way, so I was fine with this blip.

Stick to your boundaries. Though I felt like a jerk and questioned my own “no phone calls” rule, I stuck with it. I insisted on evening phone calls. It’s been two years since I started writing full-time from home, and my friend just told me how proud she is of me! She thinks it’s wonderful that I’m supporting myself as a writer, and she loves that I’m pursuing my dream. See how great she is? I had to set and stick to my boundaries – and it was worth it.

Decide how you want to live. If you want to be a successful woman, you need to surround yourself with successful women! If you have toxic female friends in your life, you can choose a different path – whether it’s cutting off contact or gently explaining what you need from your friendship (and listening to her perspective).

By the way, it’s not just in-person relationships that drive you towards or away from success; it’s the online discussions you read and participate in, the blogs you visit, the TV shows you watch, and the conversations you have. It’s everything you surround yourself with!

One more quotation from Joan Baez: “You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die,” she says. “Or when. You can decide how you’re going to live now.”

What did I miss? If you have any thoughts or questions on toxic female friendships, please comment below…

Related posts:

1. 5 Signs You’re a Toxic Female Friend – George Eliot
2. Healing Female Friendships – Michelle Obama
3. Coping With Negative Coworkers Who Drain Your Energy – Anais Nin