First, a warning from Erma Bombeck:

“Marriage has no guarantees,” she said. “If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”

One guarantee is that your marriage will change over time – and sometimes it’ll be less healthy than others. Healthy couples get mad at each other – and because of that, they may live longer. Healthy couples seek hidden treasures, choose green battles, and let their individualities strengthen the marriage as a whole. Here are five simple habits for healthy marriages; for more in-depth tips, click The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert.

5 Habits of a Healthy Marriage – Erma Bombeck

“Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving,” says Bombeck. That’s not one gift you want to give your spouse – guilt is definitely not a habit of a healthy couple! But these are…

1. Learn to express anger, hurt, or frustration. An important part of married life is conflict resolution – and most couples aren’t trained to do this, says Ernest Harburg, professor emeritus at the University of Michigan. His research reveals that couples who suppress anger are twice as likely to face early death as those who express it. Getting mad without hurting your spouse is a healthy marriage habit that can improve your physical and emotional health. Related to this is your retaining a sense of personal identity when you’re in love.

2. Pick your green battles. Joining forces to affect your environment not only gives you a common goal and unites you as married couple, it’s good for the planet too. Choose an eco-battle together, such as adopting a nearby park and doing a weekly “garbage march.” Or plant a garden at home or in the community, focusing on organic fruits and veggies. Learn how to compost, and lighten the load in the landfills. Once your new behavior becomes a habit for your marriage, you can add another healthy habit – and soon you’ll be the greenest couple on the block!

3. End the day talking about your highs and lows. Make it a point to discuss the ups and downs in your marriage, family, and individual lives, and to look for the good in the bad. “During dinner we talk about what we enjoyed best and least that day,” says Tanya, a mother of three on Bowen Island, BC. “It’s a great way for our kids to listen to each other’s stories and problems, help find solutions, understand that we all experience ups and downs, relate to each other, laugh, and illustrate that life is like a rollercoaster.”

4. Make it a habit to volunteer as a married couple or family. “Contributing as a family not only helps [others], but it also strengthens the contributing family in the process,” writes Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. “Can you imagine the bonding, the sense of fulfillment, the sense of shared joy?” Volunteer opportunities include helping out annually at a camp for disabled kids, serving monthly at a food bank, or walking dogs weekly at an animal shelter.

5. Take risks and seek hidden treasure. A great habit for healthy marriages is trying new things together, such as juggling, geocaching for treasures, or making sushi. Psychology professor Leaf Van Boven from the University of Colorado explains why happiness is found in your life experiences (not your possessions). Experiences are open to positive reinterpretations, become a meaningful part of your identity, and contribute to successful relationships. When you experience something as a married couple – such as learning something new together – you build memories that you can reminisce and laugh about later. Those experiences unite you and become part of who you are as a married couple.

A final quotation about marriage from Erma Bombeck:

“People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife,” said Erma Bombeck. “The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.” If you’re still in the market for a good husband, you might find How to Find a Good Boyfriend Who Will Be a Loving Husband helpful!

What makes your marriage healthy? If you have any tips, I welcome you below!

Related posts:

1. Women Considering Divorce – A Quips and Tips Article
2. Finding a Good Boyfriend – a Quips and Tips Article
3. Signs of a Financially Independent Woman – Quips and Tips

“Great dreams…never even get out of the box,” says Bombeck. “It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, ‘How good or how bad am I?’ That’s where courage comes in.”

Having courage to overcome your own self-sabotaging and self-defeating behaviors is what the book Stop Self-Sabotage: Get Out of Your Own Way to Earn More Money, Improve Your Relationships, and Find the Success You Deserve by Pat Pearson. Click the cover for details, and read on for ways to stop self-sabotage and self-defeat…

4 Ways to Stop Self-Sabotage and Self-Defeat – Erma Bombeck

1. Accept conflict, disagreements, confrontation as normal. Sometimes women sabotage themselves because they’re afraid of the conflict that results when they stand up for what they want and think. Women can be afraid of letting go of other people’s expectations. And, sometimes women are afraid of the labels that come with doing what they want in life (“selfish”, “controlling”, “iron lady”, etc). To stop the self-defeat and self-sabotage, we have to accept the fact that sometimes we do things that don’t please other people. We have to act out of passion – not fear of conflict.

2. Reexamine the self-beliefs that limit and control. What do you believe about yourself that isn’t true? For instance, women who believe they don’t deserve to be in healthy relationships will act in ways that sabotage or defeat good relationships. Women who believe they’re unattractive or worthless will sabotage their own attempts to lose weight or take care of themselves. To stop self-sabotage and self-defeat — and increase motivation – we need to stop believing things about ourselves that aren’t true.

3. Stop taking responsibility for others’ dreams and goals. Is it self-sabotaging or self-defeating to put your life on hold, so your partner or kids can pursue their dreams or goals? I can’t answer that – every situation, every woman, every motivation is different. But, women seem to take responsibility to help other people achieve their goals and dreams at the expense of their own. Women can put their goals or dreams on hold while they help the boss build his or her business, or because their volunteer work for the church or community is too demanding. To stop self-sabotage and self-defeat, we need to let others be responsible for achieving their goals…and we need to achieve our own.

4. Identify the “busy work” – and stop it! This is how I sabotage myself: I spend too much time on things at work that don’t matter. For instance, checking my blog stats every hour or two – or checking my e-mail often – is not only a waste of time, it’s self-defeating (if my blog stats are good, then I feel like taking a break! If they’re bad, I’m too depressed to work (excuse the exaggeration for effect)). To stop self-defeating behaviors, we need to cut out the activities and thought patterns that don’t matter. To stop sabotaging ourselves, we need to put the time and energy we have towards things that actually make a difference.

One last thought from Erma Bombeck:

“When I stand before God at the end of my life,” says Bombeck, “I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything You gave me.’”

Are you using everything you have — are you living up to your own potential? For more motivation to achieve your goals, read 5 Strategies for Life Success – Alanis Morissette.

If you have any questions or thoughts on these ways to stop self-sabotage and self-defeat, please comment below…

Related posts:

1. How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup – Rita Rudner
2. 7 Ways to Overcome Procrastination at Work – Sarah Ban Breathnach
3. How to Follow Your Heart to Fame and Fortune – J.K. Rowling