These three ways to cope with relationship abuse are inspired by quotations from Eleanor Roosevelt, who was a strong, successful woman in history.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face,” said Eleanor Roosevelt. “You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

What is the thing you think you can’t do? Instead of thinking you cannot…start thinking of how you can. Focus on how you want your life to be better, healthier, more whole. If you want to learn more about relationship abuse, click Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. And, here are three ways to break up with a toxic, addictive, unhealthy partner…

3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt

1. Get help — don’t leave an abusive partner on your own. “Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world,” said Eleanor Roosevelt. Even if you don’t feel like you’re surrounded by friends in the world – you need to reach out and connect! Many women are too afraid, embarrassed, ashamed, or confused to tell their friends or family about the abuse. This is one reason they stay in unhealthy relationships – because abusive partners isolate their girlfriends or wives. One of the first steps to breaking free from a bad relationship is rallying your troops: get help from a distress line, counselor, pastor, friends, family, coworkers, neighbors – anyone.

2. Connect with your higher power. “It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness,” said Eleanor Roosevelt. Whether you believe in God, Jesus, or a more abstract Guiding Force in the Universe – connect with your higher power. Stop fearing and cursing the darkness…and start lighting your candles. Journaling, meditation, prayer, and reading books about finding and following the healthiest part of yourself will help strengthen your connection to the voice within. Spiritual exercise is like physical exercise; it strengthens your body and your relationship with Something Greater Than Yourself – who wants the best for you. Connecting with your higher power will improve your emotional health.

3. Practice random acts of courage. “What looks courageous to one person may not look that way to another,” said Eleanor Roosevelt. “Every one of use gets to that for ourselves.” Everyone – not just women struggling with relationship abuse – lives with limiting beliefs and behaviors. These beliefs and behaviors stop us from creating our heart’s desire. Taking healthy risks allows us to step outside of those beliefs and behaviors, and helps us create the life we love. How can you be courageous today, even if you’re not quite ready to break up with your partner? Practice one little act of courage – you’ll feel better and happier about yourself…and your future.

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt. 

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I have some breakup advice for her – but first, a quotation from a funny woman!

“I love to shop after a bad relationship,” says comedienne Rita Rudner. “I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.”

I’m not a huge shopper (I despise shopping, in fact), but I can get behind Rudner’s breakup advice! It’s all about “self-soothing”, which I describe below. If you need help getting over a breakup, click on It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Break-Up Buddy. And, read on to learn how to stop feeling depressed when you’re letting go of someone you love…

How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup – Rita Rudner

Remind yourself that the breakup happened for a reason. No matter how you feel right now – trust me, I know how devastating it is to lose someone you love – the relationship was not working. To stop feeling depressed, stay focused on the fact that the relationship wasn’t meant to be. For whatever reason, you and he weren’t a good match. For more help, read Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt.

Learn the difference between mourning and wallowing. The first few months after a breakup are the worst. Allow yourself to mourn your loss, but don’t let yourself wallow in depression because the relationship didn’t work out. Mourning involves crying or expressing your feelings in writing, painting, creative dance, etc for some amount of time each day. Wallowing is talking about the relationship breakup endlessly, obsessing about it, and refusing to think beyond your current feelings.

Think about your role in the relationship and breakup. To stop feeling depressed, find ways to empower yourself! Empowering yourself is about taking control, about learning how you can be a better, smarter, healthier woman. So, think about the breakup. Be honest about your mistakes and foibles. You don’t need to change who you are; you just need to learn from your experiences.

Learn how to “self-sooth.” I found this term in a book about eating disorders, and it’s great breakup advice! Self-soothing addresses Rita Rudner’s quotation about shopping and relationship breakups: to stop feeling depressed, do things that make you feel better. Avoid unhealthy habits such as spending too much money, overeating, or harming yourself. Self-soothing strategies come from inside yourself – not outside, like shopping (sorry, Rita Rudner! Your quotation about shopping and relationship breakups was funny). An example of self-soothing is to recall a time that you were happy, proud, and centered – perhaps after you made a mistake and moved on or accomplished something you were proud of.

Rebuild your personal identity. Take the breakup as an opportunity to figure out who you are. Many women lose their personal identities in relationships; now, you have a chance to get back in touch with your authentic self. What do you want out of life, who do you want to be, where do you want to go? You’re now free to answer all those questions; this breakup could open all sorts of doors for you.

I know I haven’t covered all the ways to stop feeling depressed after a relationship breakup! If you have suggestions – or questions – please comment below…

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Here’s what Eleanor Roosevelt said about friendship:

“Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.”

When you’re healing from a relationship breakup, one of the most important things to do is not take it personally and stay friends with yourself – especially if the breakup was unexpected! For more relationship advice, click on Extreme Breakup Recovery by Jeanette Castelli. And, read on for my ways to overcome an unexpected relationship breakup…

Ways to Overcome an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt

Don’t take the breakup personally. The reason for the relationship breakup could have nothing to do with you! Maybe something happened in your friend or partner’s life that requires distance, such as depression, physical illness, or unresolved emotional issues. It’s important to remember that he or she has a whole inner life that you may not be privy to. Don’t berate yourself for the breakup, or over what you did or didn’t do.

Let go of feelings of unworthiness and inferiority. This is a deeper exploration of “don’t take things personally”: don’t let the unexpected breakup destroy your self-confidence or self-esteem. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” said Roosevelt. Accept your hurt and confusion about the end of the relationship or friendship, but don’t let it make you feel unworthy or inferior.

Ask what happened. It’s acceptable and even healthy to ask romantic partners or friends for reasons behind the relationship breakup, especially if it was unexpected. Did you not live up to their expectations? Did you offend them, or were you insensitive in some way? If you’re wondering if you were a “bad” friend, you might find Are You a Toxic Friend – George Eliot helpful. But remember — an unexpected end of a friendship does not mean you’re a toxic or bad friend!

Accept that you may never know why it happened. Your friend or partner may not be able to express the reasons for the relationship breakup. Maybe he or she doesn’t know why the relationship can’t continue, or can’t express it properly. Or, perhaps he or she simply doesn’t want to talk about it. To overcome an unexpected relationship breakup, you have to accept a possible lack of closure.

Prime the “resilience” pump! How “bouncebackable” are you? Resiliency is a key to being a successful woman who can overcome relationship breakups and forge healthy new relationships. Everyone faces failures, setbacks, and obstacles in friendships and romantic relationships. Successful women just keep getting up and trying again, that’s all! For tips on bouncing back, read 5 Ways to Build Resiliency – JK Rowling.

Choose to heal. The most effective way to overcome relationship breakup – besides letting time heal – is to make the choice to move on. The end of the friendship or relationship happened, and there may be nothing you can do about it. You need to choose to heal and overcome your feelings of loss, pain, and helplessness; it’s a choice you may need to make every day.

Soon, you’ll find your pain over the breakup to be less distracting or debilitating. You’ll remember the relationship, but won’t be as burdened by it.

One last quotation from Eleanor Roosevelt (not necessarily related to ending a relationship or friendship, but it’s a great thought!):

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway,” she said. “You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.” 

What are your thoughts or questions on overcoming unexpected an relationship breakup? I welcome you below…

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Related posts:

1. 3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt
2. How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup – Rita Rudner
3. The Definition of a Successful Woman – Eleanor Roosevelt

“As one goes through life, one learns that if you don’t paddle your own canoe, you don’t move.” – Katharine Hepburn.

For more inspiration and motivation, click on This is Not the Life I Ordered: 50 Ways to Keep Your Head Above Water When Life Keeps Dragging You Down by Deborah Collins Stephens, Jackie Speier, Michealene Crisini Risley, and Jan Yanehiro. And, read on for five steps to being a successful woman, inspired by quotations from Anita Roddick, Barbara Walters, Dorothea Brande, and Linda Ronstadt. See Jane Soar!

5 Ways to be a Successful Woman – Katherine Hepburn

You may be interested in reading The Definition of a Successful Woman – Eleanor Roosevelt.

1. Take back your power. You give away your power when you say or think things like, “Oh, I couldn’t do that!” and “I don’t deserve this,” and “How could anyone find me attractive, or hire me, or pay me that much money?” The first step to being a successful woman is to take back your power. Find the support and guidance you need; overcome your habit of being your own worst critic. Listen to Katherine Hepburn’s advice, and learn to paddle your own canoe.

2. Identify what’s holding you back.  “It’s not who you are that holds you back; it’s who you think you’re not,” said Barbara Walters. Do you think you’re not smart enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, or not strong enough? The second step to being a successful woman is to identify how you’re holding yourself back. Be aware of what you’re afraid of.

3. Tune in to your talents. “Have you let other people talk out you of pursuing something you’re good at?” ask the authors in This is Not the Life I Ordered. ”Have you bowed to pressure and abandoned a project that was meaningful to you?” Don’t let other people’s criticism or indifference quell your dreams. And remember — you are meaningful and valuable just the way you are.  “If you think you’re too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito,” said Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop.

4. Clean up your “to-do” list. The fourth step to being a successful woman is to get rid of your emotional and physical clutter! Get rid of the things you don’t need to do, that don’t matter, that don’t create value, that don’t make a difference. Figure out if you’re taking responsibility for stuff that isn’t yours. Make sure everything takes you toward the your goals and dreams – not away.

5. Create an upward spiral. Successful women turn “woe is me” into action - and proceed confidently. Poet Dorothea Brande said, ”All that is necessary to break the spell of inertia and frustration is this: Act as if it were impossible to fail.” No matter what you’re struggling with or how defeated you feel, take one step forward. Maybe that means calling for a college course guide or searching for grief support groups on the internet.

Maybe creating an upward spiral means that you have to accept change and take risks:

“So life changes and you have to change too. I don’t like change, but I’ve learned you just put your hands over your eyes and step off the edge.” – Linda Ronstadt.

What do you think about these steps to being a successful woman? I welcome your comments below…

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“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” said Roosevelt – and that right there is a key definition of a successful woman! In this case, there’s no “one size fits all.”

Here are several possible ways to define a successful woman… if you want to go further, click on What Every Successful Woman Knows: 12 Breakthrough Strategies to Get the Power and Ignite Your Career by Janice Reals Ellig and Bill Morin.

The Definition of a Successful Woman – Eleanor Roosevelt

You may also like 10 Habits of Highly Successful Women!

External achievements. Does a PhD, MD, or LLB make you a successful woman? What about a house with an ocean view, or an apartment overlooking Central Park in New York City? Maybe getting a book published makes you successful, or raising healthy, happy children. Does achieving your goals make you a successful woman? (I say YES to that one, as the creator of “Quips and Tips for Achieving Your Goals” ).

Emotions and feelings. If you feel happy, fulfilled, and content with your life – does that mean you’re a successful woman? Sure! But what about perimenopausal or PMSing women? Their moods plummet and skyrocket at a moment’s notice, which may mean their self-identity or measure of success changes as their hormones fly. I think successful women feel fulfilled, but there’s more to success than feelings…

Physical and emotional health. I have ulcerative colitis and mild bouts of PMS every so often…does that mean I’m not successful? Are women who struggle with depression or cancer less successful? No – but women who stay physically fit and eat nutritious foods may live longer and healthier lives. So, I believe there is a connection between successful women and good health. Read Coping With Chronic Illness – Natalie Goldberg if you struggle with illness!

Treatment of others. It probably goes without saying that if you’re cruel, vindictive, or selfish then you’re probably not a successful woman…or are you? I know a smart businesswoman who has burned more bridges than she’s built – and her business is booming! Would she say she’s a successful woman? Yup. Would others say the same thing? Nope. Or maybe they’d say yes, but grudgingly.

What others say. Have you ever been complimented on your achievements, yet feel like they weren’t “all that”? Other people – like your mom – may gush about your life or actions, but that doesn’t mean you’re successful. For some women, admiration and respect means they’re successful. (Beware of the “seeking the approval of others” monster!).

Internal achievements (a strong self-identity). Back to Eleanor Roosevelt’s life lesson: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I think the best definition of a successful woman revolves around how she feels about and defines herself. It doesn’t matter what educations she has, whether she’s grouchy, what illness she struggles with, or what others say about her. For me, the definition of a successful woman is about how she feels about herself, and whether she’s living up to her own potential.

A successful woman marches to her own drummer…especially when it comes to defining whether or not she’s a success! Eleanor Roosevelt not only marched to her own drummer – she had her own orchestra. She was an advocate for working women as well as a prominent author, speaker, politician and activist. I’d say she was a successful woman. I wonder what she’d say?

What do you think of these  definitions of successful women? I’d love to hear your thoughts – big and little – below!

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Related posts:

1. Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt
2. 3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt
3. 5 Steps to Being a Successful Woman – Katherine Hepburn