If you ask talk show host, best-selling author and moral compass Dr Laura Schlessinger — author of In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms — she’ll laugh hysterically. Of course working moms are stressed and unhappy – and so are their kids. Working moms aren’t there for their families. They’re not creating healthy homes that make their families feel safe, loved and protected – and they’re definitely not “their kids’ parents.”

But if you ask Vanity Fair contributing editor and author of The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? Leslie Bennetts, she’ll passionately refute Dr Laura’s opinions. Bennetts argues that working moms are less depressed, more fulfilled, and more independent than stay-at-home moms. They also have higher self-esteem and less anxiety – though many working moms feel guilty for enjoying their paid jobs. Bennetts admits balancing work and family can be tricky, but the benefits outweigh the frustrations for most women.

For more info about the pros and cons of working and stay-at-home moms, click the book covers. And, read on for a few thoughts on the happiness levels of each situation…

Is Financial Dependence the “Real” Feminine Mistake?

In The Feminine Mistake, Leslie Bennetts says, “Choosing economic dependency is the classic feminine mistake. No matter what the reasons, it’s simply too risky to count on anyone else to support you over the long haul. In an era of disappearing pensions, threats to Social Security, high divorce rates, a volatile labor market, and attenuating life spans, the social safety net continues to erode as the needs grow – particularly for women, who are twice as likely as men to slide below the poverty line in their later years.”

Dr Laura responds: “Leslie Bennetts is paranoid about divorce, your spouse losing a job, and widowhood as though the only answer to that is ‘do not be at home, do not take care of your kids, do not be your husband’s girlfriend.’ Well, my answer to something horrible happening is find another way to deal with it if and when it does, rather than giving up on your family.” Dr Laura thinks working moms hurt families. To serve the world, you need to focus on raising kids to be decent citizens.

Thoughts on Happiness From Working and Stay-at-Home Moms

Determining whether working mothers are happier than stay-at-home moms depends on who you ask.

“Women don’t realize how infantilizing it is,” said Rachel Stein, who has a Harvard MBA and was the chief financial officer of a major corporation before she stayed home full-time. “I think they come upon that realization very gradually. If you give up your financial independence, you’ve lost the only exit there was. The work is not just a paycheck; it’s an independent identity, separate friends, being with people who respect you. When you give that up, you’re totally at the mercy of your small family world; you’re totally dependent on it for feedback and rewards. And if that family world doesn’t give you the rewards you need, you’re trapped. If you have to ask your husband for money, you’re as trapped as if you were living in a trailer park, even if he’s worth a hundred million dollars; you just have prettier clothes. And if you have kids, you’re deathly afraid of ruining your children’s lives by breaking up the family unit.”

In contrast, a stay-at-home mom comments, “To me the best part of staying home is that I’ve blossomed as a person. Before, I worked 8-5, hurried to fix supper, do household stuff and collapse to rest for the next day. Now life is busy, but I get to do things I want to do, be with my kids, and participate more actively in my community. I volunteer with the Red Cross, participate in more activities with my church, and meet lots of new people with my children.”

Who Has Happier Children?

Some older children respect their working moms while others wish both their parents were more available. Some children see their working moms as role models and mentors while others need the emotional, social, and academic support their stay-at-home moms provide. Kids offer a huge range of responses to their mothers’ situations: respect, indifference, contempt, neglect, happiness, pride, bitterness, or relief – and sometimes a combination of it all.

“Statistically there’s no difference in the happiness levels of the children whose mothers work and the children whose mothers stay at home,” said law professor and working mother Linda Hirshman to ABC News. A child’s happiness depends on her age, temperament, maturity level, health, quality of childcare, and – perhaps most importantly – how happy and healthy her parents are.

A Season for Everything: Working, Staying Home, Going Back to Work?

“I have taken care of thousands of children from all sorts of backgrounds, and the one consistent thing in raising well-adjusted children was parents who were happy with their choices,” says a pediatrician in The Feminine Mistake.

This isn’t about “mommy wars” or whether Leslie Bennetts is wrong and Dr Laura Schlessinger is right or vice versa. It’s about making choices that best suit your passions, abilities, and options – and about respecting the choices that others make.

What do you think – are you happier as a stay-at-home or a working mom? I’d love to hear from you below!

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“This is all you have,” says Dr Laura Schlessinger. “This is not a dry run. This is your life. If you want to fritter it away with your fears, then you will fritter it away, but you won’t get it back later.”

Same with frittering away your energy and time with inappropriate or misplaced guilt! If you’re having trouble getting over or initiating a relationship breakup – or you’re just plain confused – click on Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away. And, read on for my suggestions on how to stop feeling guilty because you broke up with someone who wasn’t right for you…

How to Stop Feeling Guilty Over a Relationship Breakup

Identify appropriate guilt. You should feel guilty if you did something wrong, such as using your boyfriend for his money or professional contacts and then breaking up with him. “Real” guilt is an appropriate and healthy response for wrongdoing. If you weren’t your best self in your relationship, then you need to make amends. This doesn’t necessarily mean getting back together with your boyfriend, but it could mean apologizing for your wrongdoing. Maybe you didn’t make the best choices in your relationship with your boyfriend; even so, you need to forgive yourself and move on.

Identify inappropriate guilt. Do you feel guilty because your ex-boyfriend is manipulating your emotions with apologies, pleas, or promises for the future? Do you feel guilty because your parents or friends wish you were back together with your boyfriend? To stop feeling guilty, figure out if your feelings are appropriate or inappropriate – and read Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong.

Remember what you did right in your relationship. To stop feeling guilty, focus on the things you did well! Remind yourself of the times you were loving, attentive, generous, kind, and compassionate in your relationship. Even if you did initiate the breakup, you didn’t ruin the relationship. It was already ruined…you just decided to clean up your life.

Remember that the relationship breakup happened for a reason. You had your reasons for breaking up with your ex-boyfriend. Even if your friends, family, coworkers, or ex-boyfriend don’t understand those reasons doesn’t mean the breakup less valid. To stop feeling guilty, you need to trust yourself that you made the right decision. Listen to your gut. There was a reason you had to let go of him, and that reason probably won’t change. If you need help letting go of other people’s expectations, read Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations – Maria Shriver.

Figure out who is making you feel guilty about the breakup – and why. Does your best friend wish you and your ex-boyfriend stayed together because she has a crush on his brother or best friend? Is your mother crushed that you broke up with him because she wants you to get married? Is your boyfriend making you feel guilty because you made his life sweet and easy, he walked all over you, and he misses you underneath him? To stop feeling guilty about the breakup, figure out if someone is burdening you with inappropriate guilty, and either stand up to or stay away from that person.

Here’s another inspirational quotation from Dr Laura Schlessinger:

“When you dare to dream, dare to follow that dream, dare to suffer through the pain, sacrifice, self-doubts, and friction from the world, you will genuinely impress yourself.”

And impressing yourself is more important than impressing all the ex-boyfriends, parents, friends and coworkers in the world!

If you have any thoughts or questions about stopping guilty feelings because you broke up with someone, please comment below…

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The life lesson: some women hide from happiness by staying in bad relationships, binge eating Ding Dongs and Fritos, or ignoring their gut instincts. The successful woman who drives this life lesson (and many others) home: Dr Laura Schlessinger.

I haven’t listened to Dr Laura in ages, but I did flip through her Stop Whining, Start Living book recently. Her “are you hiding from happiness?” question can open a Pandora’s box of questions.

The idea of hiding from happiness seems a little crazy, and we’re all quick to say “NO – of course I’m not hiding from happiness – you must be mad!” But I get so many sad questions on my “addictive relationships” and “cheating spouses” articles…it really does seem like women are hiding from happiness.

Hiding From Happiness – Dr Laura Schlessinger

Life lesson: it’s easier to hide from happiness by staying in unhealthy relationships, bad jobs, horrible apartments, and ugly cities than it is to take a risk and live a fulfilling life.

In Stop Whining, Dr Laura described her caller, Jane, who was living with a man for 12 years who refused to marry her or even consummate their relationship. “Jane represents a lot of you who are terribly determined to avid risk,” writes Dr Laura. “You stay with the pain you know and avoid the possibility of joys, for the pains they might bring with them.”

Life lesson #2: If you have the same problem now that you did six months or six years ago – then you’re not solving with your problems. The Jane that Dr Laura was talking to didn’t solve her problem for 12 whole years. Don’t be that Jane, my gal pals.

What problem do you have, that’s lasted for years? I’ve been ramming my head against the “please publish my book because it’s amazing” wall for years and years now…and I’m tired of getting rejection after rejection! If I am hiding from happiness, it’s by not learning to be a better writer or researching the market so I can come up with better book ideas.

Question for Dr Laura – or you! How do you know if you’re hiding from happiness?

How have you solved a long-term problem? I decided to get a literary agent, since it wasn’t working to pitch publishers on my own. And I’m pitching him new book ideas all the time – because I know that sooner or letter, one will make me a bestselling author! (it’s taking a lifetime, but I’ll get there).

For more info on Dr Laura Schlessinger, go to DrLaura.com.

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1. Are You Happier as a Working Mom or a Stay-at-Home Mom? – Dr Laura Schlessinger
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