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5 Ways to Protect Your Boundaries Despite Criticism – Marie Osmond

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 01:01:32 +0000

Setting healthy personal boundaries in relationships is one thing – and coping with people’s responses to your boundaries is another! Here are five ways to protect yourself when you’re criticized by friends, family, and coworkers who don’t respect your boundaries. These tips are based on inspiration from Marie Osmond (who, as a child superstar and busy mother who struggled with her emotional and mental health, knows a thing or two about boundaries!).

“I lost boundaries as a child and I didn’t even realize it,” said Marie Osmond. “It wasn’t talked about back then. You know, it was something you just buried and dealt with, and moved forward. What could you do about it?”

If only “See Jane Soar” existed when she was a child – she could’ve learned how to protect her personal boundaries! If you’re struggling to stick to your boundaries, you might find Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Dayhelpful (pictured). And, here are five ways to maintain your boundaries even when people don’t like them…

5 Ways to Protect Your Boundaries Despite Criticism – Marie Osmond

When you set your personal boundaries, you’re protecting your time and energy for the things in life that mean the most to you. Setting boundaries is a piece of cake…it’s defending them that requires courage, stamina, and dedication!

1. Expect to be criticized for drawing the line. When I first started working from home – I’m a full-time freelance writer and blogger – I told my friends and family that I wouldn’t take personal phone calls during the day. It’s too disruptive, I love my job, and I don’t even talking on the phone! Most everybody was fine with it, except for a couple of friends who bristled (“Well, if you’re too busy to take ten minutes to catch up with an old friend who can’t talk in the evenings…”) and who are still irked, even after two years. Now when I set a personal boundary, I simply prepare myself for criticism or negative responses.

2. Let your loved ones be angry, disappointed, or frustrated. It’s okay if people are mad at you, disappointed in you, or frustrated by your behavior! No matter what you do or how nice you are, you won’t be liked by everyone all the time…so get used to getting under people’s skin. They’ll get over it. And, trust me, the more you let go of other people’s expecations, the easier it gets. It’s not your responsibility to make everyone happy all the time; your job is to figure out who your authentic self is, and be that woman. And don’t forget to look for the humor in the situation, because as Marie Osmond says, “If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.”

3. Stay in touch with who you are and what you need. As an introvert, I need to be alone a lot of the time. As a woman who likes to stay thin (and who gains weight just by thinking about chocolate), I need to eat less meat and potatoes – which my husband loves to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (he’s one of those lucky ectomorphs who can eat whatever wants whenever he wants, and not gain an ounce). These are examples of two types of personal boundaries I’ve set at home, and they’re easy to protect because I am connected to who I am. It’s difficult to stand up against criticism when you don’t really know what you want or need!

4. Learn how to handle difficult people – especially at work. If you work full-time, you may spend more time at work than home…and who wants to be miserable for eight or nine hours a day? There are several ways to protect your boundaries even if you have critical coworkers, such as choosing the right time to talk to them, starting the conversation on a positive note, being specific, communicating directly, and figuring out your role in the problem. In How to Handle Bossy Coworkers – Sophia Loren, I describe those steps in more detail.

5. Detach from critical people a little…or a lot. Sometimes physical space is necessary – actually spending less time with people who don’t uplift or support you. If your mother or best friend from high school refuses to treat you the way you want to be treated (or if they’re toxic people), then it’s appropriate and healthy to spend less time with them, limit the lengths of your visits, or even let them go altogether.

“Life can be real tough,” said Marie Osmond. “You can either learn from your problems, or keep repeating them over and over.”

What about you – have you set healthy personal boundaries, and are you protecting them despite criticism from friends, family, or coworkers? I’d love to hear from you below!

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How to Make Mistakes and Move On – Brenda Ueland

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 15:54:07 +0000

The life lesson: knowing how to make mistakes and move on will make you healthier, happier, and more successful (no more feelings of guilt and shame!). The successful woman: Brenda Ueland — a prolific writer, strong woman in history, and all-round self-confident dame.

We women are “too ready not to stand by what we have said or done,” says Ueland. “It is so conceited and timid to be ashamed of one’s mistakes. Of course they are mistakes. Go on to the next.”

I love this because I tend to berate myself endlessly for mistakes! If you’re the same way, you might find John Maxwell’s Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes Into Stepping Stones for Success helpful (click on the image for more info). And, read on for my tips on making mistakes and moving on, inspired by Brenda Ueland.

Making Mistakes and Moving On – Brenda Ueland

Figure out why it’s conceited to be ashamed of your mistakes. How do you interpret Ueland’s statement that it’s conceited to be ashamed of your mistakes? To me, that means we put too much emphasis on the importance of ourselves and our mistakes. Dwelling on the mistakes we’ve made, instead of bouncing back to push forward, means we’re focused on our own selves instead of what’s going on around us.

Practice “moving on” for one month. Making mistakes and moving on is harder than it sounds, but I encourage you (and me!) to try it for one month. Every time that critical inner voice berates and castigates you for making a mistake, practice accepting that you’re human, remembering what you learned from that mistake, and shaking it off. If you need help conquering that nasty inner voice, read 5 Tips for Taming Your Inner Critic (written by Gini Grey, a frequent contributor to the comments here on See Jane Soar!).

Hold on to a successful woman who made mistakes and moved on. Learn from strong women in history like Eleanor Roosevelt or Amelia Earhart – or from a woman in your own life! When I worked with Big Brothers and Big Sisters in Calgary, our public relations person made a grievous error in the quarterly newsletter. She accidentally published the name of an individual who made a significant donation to the organization; his only stipulation was that he remain anonymous. She didn’t realize her error until the newsletter was published and distributed to thousands of people; she had to call him and eat some serious humble pie. I’ll never forget how balanced she was! She tempered her deep regret for her mistake with a healthy dose of “this too, shall pass.” She had the self-confidence, self-acceptance, resilience, and experience to know that she made a mistake. She needed to move on.

What was the last or most memorable mistake you made — and have you moved on? Don’t cower and don’t be timid, my friends. Above all, don’t be ashamed. You may have messed up — we all do — but it’s over. Let it go.

And remember: “Since you are like no other being ever created since the beginning of time, you are incomparable,” says Brenda Ueland.

What are your thoughts about making mistakes and moving on? I welcome your comments below!

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5 Ways to Build Resiliency – JK Rowling

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Mon, 11 May 2009 17:13:56 +0000

The life lesson: the most successful women in history are the ones who failed the most. The successful woman: JK Rowling! These five ways to build resiliency are inspired by Rowling’s Commencement Address at Harvard, called “The Fringe Benefits of Failure.”

First, my favorite quotation about failure from Samuel Beckett:

“Ever tried, ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

To Jane soar, you need to build resiliency and use your failures as springboards to bigger, better things. Read on for five ways to build resiliency, inspired by JK Rowling. And, click on John Maxwell’s Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes Into Stepping Stones for Success for more in-depth info on rising like a phoenix from the ashes!

5 Ways to Build Resiliency – JK Rowling

“Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged,” said Rowling at the Annual Meeting of the Harvard Alumni Association. “I was set free [by failure], because my greatest fear had already been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

Building resiliency and overcoming failure is the biggest predictor of success at work, home, and in life in general.

1. Rebuild yourself. Failure isn’t a fatal flaw that renders you helpless and unhappy. It’s not a permanent condition. It doesn’t make you less worthy, less intelligent, or less capable. Failure isn’t who you are. It’s simply an event. How you cope with it – not the failure itself – is what determines your future as a successful woman. To build resiliency, accept that you’ll often be rebuilding your self, your business, your life.

2. Stop and think. Figure out exactly what caused the failure: Did the location of your business lead you to bankruptcy? Were you fired because you weren’t focused? Be honest and specific. To build resiliency, accept your mistakes and take responsibility.

3. Regain control. Once you know what went wrong, don’t make the same mistakes. You’re not doomed to repeat history unless you’re unaware of it! Ask yourself what you did right with your kids, your partner, your work, and savor your successes. To build resilience, take back control.

4. Connect. To build resiliency, talk to successful women who survived similar situations. Find out what worked. What would they do differently? Compare stories. The more you hide the worse you’ll feel; be honest about your mistakes and regrets.

5. Adjust your perspective. “I actually consider my failure to become a feature film director as the beginning of what I consider a saner and more successful life,” says award-winning Bert Salzman. To build resiliency, adjust your perspective of what being a successful woman means.

“The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive,” said Rowling. “You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more to me than any qualification I ever earned.”

What do you think of these ways to build resiliency? I welcome your comments below!

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