“One of the most important milestones we’ll hit along the way is the moment when we finally own our own unique point of view and realize how priceless it is,” writes Ban Breathnach in Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort of Joy.

Keeping your self-identity involves honoring and expressing your own unique point of view – which can be alot harder than it sounds! Especially because losing yourself is so easy:

“The greatest danger, that of losing one’s own self, may pass off quietly as if it were nothing; every other loss, that of an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. is sure to be noticed.” – Soren Kierkegaard.

It’s insidious and gradual, this losing of self. Just a speck at a time and suddenly there’s fuzzy grey matter where your self used to be, sort of like your sock gradually thinning until there’s a hole where your heel once rested. A speck at a time, you could lose your self. It’s relatively easy to detect and even prevent the formation of a hole in your sock, but how, exactly, do you recognize and hold on to the specks of your self? I’m not sure. When figuring out how to hold on to our self-identity, perhaps we should start with the end result – the loss of your self-identity – and work our way to the beginning.

Keeping Your Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach

In my marriage so far my greatest fear is being In Charge of the House.

To me, being In Charge of the House means knowing where everything is all the time, from the cottage cheese (easy) to the Murphy’s Soap (not so easy). It means taking over the laundry, cooking, groceries, dusting and wiping tables counters stovetops sinks bathtubs. It means organizing meals when I’m not around at dinnertime, or at least making food suggestions. It means making sure we don’t run out of oatmeal, chocolate chips, flour, or oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. It means making all the dentist or doctor appointments. It means ironing stuff.

To me, being In Charge of The House represents a loss of self-identity. But, keeping your self-identity for some women is being in charge of the house – because we’re all unique. If you’ve lost your sense of self, you might find 4 Ways to Reconnect With Who You Were – Shirley Valentine helpful.

Be in Charge of Fulfilling Your Dreams

I want to be in charge of fulfilling my dreams and getting what I want out of life, not the filling the fridge! I see so many moms take complete, full-time care of their homes, husbands and grown children for decades. How did it come to be? Did they succeed in fulfilling their girlhood dreams – and if so, bravo! – or did they quietly drift into their lives, not realizing they could be losing themselves speck by speck?

Kierkegaard’s belief that our selves “pass off quietly as if it were nothing” makes sense because it’s difficult to recognize loss when it occurs just a speck at a time. Holding on to your self-identity involves protecting each piece of yourself.

Finding Yourself a Speck at a Time

If we lose our selves speck by speck, then can’t we rediscover our selves speck by speck? I believe the technical term is “respecking your self” by holding on to your self-identity. I also believe the “inconsequential” actions gather strength and power, enough to thrust you into exciting adventures!

“Respecking” your self involves discovering what you really think, and then – when you’re ready – sharing it with your colleague, friend, spouse, child, or parent. It’s realizing that instead of working you’d rather be reading dancing gardening running daydreaming swimming – and doing it even just for half an hour. It’s heeding what you already know: what you want to do, how you want your life to be, who you are, and with whom you want to spend your time…and speck by speck creating, saving, recreating and just plain being yourself.

“Respecking” your self is how you hold on to your self-identity.

What do you think — are you focused on reclaiming your personal identity? I welcome your thoughts and questions below…

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3. Sarah Ban Breathnach – Dream, Don’t Expect

“I don’t act the way society dictates that a woman ‘should,’ writes Queen Latifah in Ladies First: Revelations of a Strong Woman. “I am not dainty. I do not hold back my opinions. I don’t stay behind a man. I’m not here to live by somebody elses’ standards. I’m defining what a woman is for myself. Simply put, I am not interested in subscribing to what society has decided for half of humankind.”

Queen Latifah said this even before starting Jenny Craig’s weight loss program – and she’s been very clear that she’s not losing weight to society’s standards. Rather, she wants to be fit, healthy, and strong for herself — which is the best reason! Click on Ladies First: Revelations of a Strong Woman to learn more about her, and read on for ten ways to build your self-confidence levels.

10 Ways to Build Self-Confidence – Queen Latifah

1. Accept that you might feel guilty when you say no – but say no anyway. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you fulfill everyone else’s expectations and behave the way society thinks you should. Instead, say “yes” only to the requests you can fulfill without depleting yourself, and separate others’ expectations from your own.

2. Make your appearance a part of who you are as a whole woman. You dishonor yourself when you dress for others and change your body to please your partner (wax, botox, hate your body, envy skinny models). Don’t compare yourself to others, especially images of air-brushed perfection. To build the self-confidence of Queen Latifah, remind yourself that you are MORE than your appearance!

3. Plan small steps that move you towards your dreams and goals. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you: Clean the house, garden, ferry kids to soccer practice, paint the deck, cook meals, darn the socks when you need to take care of yourself. Stop wishing, and start acting in ways that move you forward.

4. Own your career. Think of yourself as an entrepreneur, even if you work for someone else. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you: don’t speak up at meetings, accept extra work even though you’re overloaded, let others take credit, don’t consider pursuing the education or job that you’re passionate about, or let colleagues destroy your self concept and self esteem. To build your self-confidence, focus on your career as if you were an entrepreneur.

5. Avoid soul-deadening activities. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you participate in activities you feel lukewarm about or outright hate, go to places that make you feel uncomfortable, or act like a martyr. Instead, tune in to your spirit through mediation, prayer, and time for yourself.

6. Take control of your health issues. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you ignore your physical problems and let your doctor, psychiatrist, or counselor totally control your prescriptions, diagnoses, and schedule. Instead of hoping that they know what they’re doing, you can build self-confidence by taking charge of your health.

7. Know what you really think – even if you choose not to voice it. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you swallow your opinions, ignore your ideas, and stifle your creativity. To build the self-confidence of Queen Latifah, express yourself through writing, painting, creating, producing, etc.

8. Learn why you’re overeating, overspending, overcriticizing. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you bury your feelings in chocolate ice cream, heroin, cigarettes, wine, excessive activity. Stop immersing yourself in shopping, watching TV, gossiping, and extreme busyness! Instead, face your feelings head-on. Face what you’re afraid to know.

9. Pick friends who support, honor, and love you. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you spend time with people who criticize, condemn, or deplete you. Instead of letting your family, friends or society dictate who you are, build your self-confidence by tuning into what you really think and feel.

10. Define what “taking risks” means to you – and take a little one every day. You dishonor your body, mind and spirit when you don’t trust yourself, don’t reach out to others, don’t be vulnerable, and above all don’t make waves. Take a small risk every day, whether that’s saying hi to your postal carrier or saying no to your mom!

My new favorite saying is: “To get something you’ve never had, do something you’ve never done.”

How do you build your self-confidence levels? Please comment below – I’d love to hear from you.

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1. 5 Ways to Increase Self Esteem for Overweight Women – Queen Latifah
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How do we know Maathai wasn’t well-behaved? Listen to how her ex-husband describes her:

“…too educated, too strong, too successful, too stubborn, and too hard to control,” he said.

You gotta admire his honesty! Mr Wangari wanted a woman he could control – but you can’t control women who aren’t well-behaved. For Wangari Maathai’s biography, read Unbowed: A Memoir. And, here are her recent comments about Barack Obama and Kenya, two life lessons, and a dash from her past…

Living Lavishly in Poverty – Wangari Maathai

Wangari Maathai was the first woman in Africa to earn a PhD. She taught veterinary anatomy at the University of Nairobi, where she earned her doctorate. She also studied in Kansas, Pittsburgh, and Germany.

Maathai has won at least 20 international awards, prizes, and medals – from the Nobel Peace Prize in 2004 to the Woman of the Year Award in 1983. She’s received four honorary degrees and is featured on the United Nation’s Global Hall of Fame. Maathai has been named one of the 100 heroines of the world – she’s currently into environmental and sustainability issues in Africa.

Life lesson: it’s okay to be the way you are. “African women in general need to know that it’s OK for them to be the way they are – to see the way they are as a strength, and to be liberated from fear and from silence,” says Maathai.

That life lesson from this woman who wasn’t well-behaved woman isn’t just for African women…it’s for women all ’round the world. It’s okay to be the way you are.

Living lavishly in poverty. “Power in Africa is not about serving or working for the people,” said Maathai in a recent speech to Japan’s Prime Minister at the Fourth Tokyo International Conference on African Development in Yokohama. “It’s about acquiring wealth and living lavishly, even when surrounded by poverty.”

How do you live lavishly in poverty – whether you’re living in the slums of Nairobi or the spiritual wasteland of Vegas? You focus on the good you have, whether it’s a soul sister or a car that gets you from Point A to Point B. You stay connected to your spirit, dreams, and faith.

You chase your dreams with dogged determination, and realize that setbacks, obstacles, and delays are part of the journey.

Maathai’s comments about Barack Obama and Kenya. In a recent interview with The Daily Nation (April 12, 2009), Maathai said Obama can’t help Kenyans if they don’t help themselves.

This is another life lesson from this successful woman: nobody can help you if you don’t help yourself. Some Kenyans see Obama as “Father Christmas” – and Maathai says that’s a mistake.

Can you live lavishly in poverty? It’s definitely a matter of attitude, not circumstance! And by the way – money can weigh you down (though I’ve never felt the weight of too much money!).

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The “See Jane Soar” life lesson: the more real and authentic you are, the more people will like and respect you. Love you, even! The successful woman: Diana, Princess of Wales.

She was authentic about her eating disorder, personality, and marriage:

“There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded,” said Princess Diana.

You’ll probably need less than three guesses to nail who Diana was referring to (and no, it wasn’t Queen Elizabeth – though it could have been! The Queen was a huge influence in Diana’s marriage to Prince Charles).

Here how to be authentic, with lessons from Princess Diana’s life – including bits from her marriage, eating disorder, and self-identity. Believe it or not, her self-identity was sometimes shaky…and she thought she was “thick as a plank”…and, click on Conspiracy? Princess Diana (History Channel) for more in-depth info on her life and death.

How to Be Authentic – Diana, Princess of Wales

1. Face the worst parts. The third person in Princess Diana’s marriage wasn’t her mother-in-law, Queen Elizabeth. It was Camilla Parker Bowles, who was Prince Charles’ first love, who contributed to the royal divorce, and whom he married eight years after Princess Diana’s death. I don’t know when Princess Diana accepted that her marriage was on the rocks…but the sooner you accept the worst parts of your life, the sooner you can deal with it.

2. Share your experience. It wasn’t just Princess Diana’s fairy tale royal wedding, rocky marriage and personal struggles that made her the world’s most famous Briton. It wasn’t just her charity work or similarity to Mother Teresa. Her fame flourished because she broke through the traditional British habits of reservation, unexpressed emotions, and stoic suffering. Princess Diana gave British people permission to reveal their humanity – because she revealed hers. To be authentic, respected, and liked, you need to share what you really think, need, and want.

3. Admit your mistakes, failures, and regrets. Princess Diana blushed. She called herself “thick as a plank.” She admitted her bulimia, depression, jealousy and feelings of isolation. Princess Diana found an affinity with drug addicts, alcoholics, and abused people because of their honesty and vulnerability. They were real people living real lives, and she was drawn to that. A lesson in living authentically from Princess Diana’s life is to admit your worst traits.

“People thought they knew her because she shared her thoughts and feelings, which no one in her position had ever done before,” said Ingrid Seward, author of The Queen and Di: The Untold Story.

4. Celebrate your achievements! Princess Diana helped modernize the monarchy – which is now more popular than ever before. She increased AIDS awareness, united opposition to land mines, and built charities. She literally touched and hugged the people she met, whether they were physically battered or dying from AIDS.

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair said, “Diana taught us a new way to be British.”

Princess Diana didn’t set out to teach Britons a new way to be British. She was simply authentic – which is easier said than done – and was loved by millions because she was real.

How can you spot an authentic woman?

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1. Reclaiming Your Personal Identity or Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach
2. Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations – Maria Shriver
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