“I’m not sure what the future holds, but I do know that I’m going to be positive and not wake up feeling desperate,” said Kidman. “As my dad said: ‘Nicole, it is what it is, it’s not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is.’”

One way to be positive and stop feeling powerless is to accept the facts. “It is what it is,” said Nicole Kidman’s father. “Now I can wear heels,” said Nicole (Tom Cruise is a short man!). Another way to focus on the positive is to see the ending as a new beginning, a new stage in your life. To explore this idea, read Closure and the Law of Relationship: Endings as New Beginnings. And, here are six other ways to find the courage to say good-bye…

6 Ways to Find the Courage to End a Relationship – Nicole Kidman

1. Figure out what you’re getting out of the relationship. Many people – both men and women – don’t have the strength to end relationships, even when the relationship is bad, unhealthy, or going nowhere. The reasons for staying are different for everyone, and depend on the type of relationship it is. But, the bottom line is that there is a reason you’re staying with this person: you’re getting something out of it…even if it’s just protection from the discomfort of saying good-bye! The sooner you figure out your reasons for staying, the easier it’ll be to find the courage to end the relationship.

2. Learn about the different reasons for staying. Why do people stay in marriages, work partnerships, or love relationships that are going nowhere? Here’s a list of reasons; use it to figure out why you’re staying. Or, use it to help you brainstorm at least five reasons for not leaving…..

• Fear of being alone
• Lack of motivation to find someone new (eg, a new hair stylist, better business partner, more suitable roommate, etc).
• Fear of not being loved or accepted by anyone else
• Feelings of low self-worth, or even self-loathing
• Concern about what friends and family will say
• Financial problems (if so, you may find Steps to Financial Independence helpful)
• Poor role models (eg, parents or friends who lack courage to change their lives)
• Figuring out why you’re staying may help you find the courage to end a relationship that’s not working for you.

3. Let go of the need to control other people’s feelings. You can’t control how people – friends, family, or the person you’re breaking up with – will respond when you break off the relationship. You can’t control what they do, how they feel, who they tell, or how they think. That’s their business. Let it go. Focus on what you can change in your life, such as your own behavior and words, and your response to other people. This can involve protecting your boundaries despite criticism. In the movie “The Scotsman”, Nicole Kidman said, “When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you can have more happiness.” I amend that to “When you relinquish the desire to control other people, you will be happier”!

4. Think of a time in your past when you did something scary. What was the most difficult, frightening thing you’ve ever done? Reflect on it for a few moments. Then, figure out what gave you strength and courage. For one woman, it could be a soul sister, a support group, or a parent. Another woman could find the courage to say good-bye in a book about self-confidence, or a particular issue of a magazine such as O (reading Oprah’s magazine is one of my favorite ways to stay authentic and grounded in who I am!). You need to figure out how YOU get your strength…and one of the best ways to do that is to recall when you’ve been brave in the past.

5. Ask women you admire about the source of their courage and strength. We can learn so much from smart, strong women – which is why I created See Jane Soar! The women around us can help us build better, happier, more successful lives, even if we don’t know them personally. Take Nicole Kidman, for instance: I love knowing that a woman of her fame and fortune is as vulnerable as we are. She doesn’t know what the future holds, and has to strive to be positive just like we do. Her struggles and successes give me strength. If there’s a woman in your life that you admire, or one loved and lost, then talk to her. Gain strength and wisdom from her experience.

6. Tap into your soul. A solid inner strength can get you through almost anything – whether you’re feeling guilty about ending a relationship or worried about dissolving a business partnership. Spirituality or a reliance God, Buddha, or even Mother Nature can give you access to strength you didn’t even know you had. Find ways to maintain a strong connection between your heart, soul, and mind, and you’ll be stronger than you thought possible!

“I’d like to be wise,” said Nicole Kidman. “You have to go through a lot to get there, but I’m willing to go through a lot.”

If you have any questions or thoughts on these ways to find the courage to end a relationship, please comment below…

Related posts:

1. How to Find the Strength to Leave a Bad Relationship – Gloria Steinem
2. Overcoming Fear and Connecting With Courage – Suze Orman and Cher
3. How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup – Rita Rudner

In fact, what your Halloween mask reveals could be more important than what it hides.

If you could dress up as anything you want for Halloween this year, what would it be? An Egyptian Queen, glamorous gangster woman, a blonde bombshell Marilyn Monroe costume, or Queen Josephine in the picture? Whether you tend towards superhero costumes or nurse attire says something about your personality traits.

And the Halloween costumes your friends choose – as food items, famous movie stars, or stuffed animals – reveals their personality traits. If you go beyond the Halloween mask, you’ve also found a great conversation starter at parties!

For more info on a wonderful Halloween costume for women – Queen Josephine – click on the image to go directly to Amazon. And, read on for what Halloween costumes reveal about your personality traits…

What Halloween Costumes Reveal About Your Personality Traits

Superman, Wonder Woman, or Cat Woman Halloween costumes. If you gravitate towards superhero or heroine costumes, you could have a child-like fantasy of saving the world and a desire to fight evil. You like the feeling of being omnipotent and strong, admired and revered. Superhero Halloween costumes for women reveal personality traits connected with fantasies of good and evil….which are both part of our authentic selves.

Fairy Princess or Peter Pan Halloween costumes. The innocent costumes of your childhood could indicate a wish for youthfulness, and a desire to recapture the naïve tendencies of children. Perhaps you wish for safety and simplicity. Similar to the superhero persona, you may wish for the magical ability to save the world. Some Halloween costumes reveal not just personality traits, but also secret childhood wishes.

Strong women in history Halloween costumes. If you were to dress up as an amazing woman in history, who would you be? Some ideas are Frida Kahlo, Thelma or Louise (fictional women — but oh so daring!), Amelia Earhart, or Whoopi Goldberg. Whatever woman you choose has personality traits that you admire and perhaps even wish you had.

French maid Halloween Costumes. Your “trick or treat” mask could reveal a natural comfort or inclination towards a particular persona. If you choose an “oo la la” French maid or dominatrix costume, you could be either repressed or liberated in the bedroom. In other words, you’re yearning to explore your wild side, or you’re already game for anything in the bedroom…and you enjoy being the centre of attention!

Rabbits, horses, puppies or other animal Halloween costumes. Animals represent instincts and the characteristics of the creature of your choice. For instance, bears represent power and strength. Giraffes are peaceful and serene; bunny rabbits furry and cuddly. Animals have mythological as well as contemporary traits, such as loyalty (dog) and royalty or self-confidence (lion). Dressing as cat, for instance, could mean you admire independence in yourself — or you wish you were more independent.

Dark vampire or scary witch Halloween costumes. Scary creatures are a favorite Halloween costume trend every year; the scarier, the better, it seems! Choosing a macabre costume reveals personality traits that revolve around a fascination with the dark side, and perhaps a desire to get in touch with your own dark, hidden, nefarious self. If you’re into a gothic witch costume, click the image for more info.

Creative Halloween costumes for women and men may reveal personality traits, but sometimes “a cigar is just a cigar.” This means that sometimes a “trick or treat” mask is simply a quick and easy choice for Halloween – and not necessarily indicative of personality traits!

What are your thoughts on Halloween costumes and personality traits? I welcome you below… 

Related posts:

1. How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship
2. How to Be Authentic – Diana, Princess of Wales
3. 6 Steps to Healthy Weight Loss – Rita Rudner

George Eliot was a big believer in not losing yourself, in standing up for yourself, in following your heart, and in achieving your goals.

“Be courteous, be obliging, but don’t give yourself over to be melted down for the benefit of the tallow trade,” she said.

My friends, a long-term committed romantic relationship can be the best thing that ever happens to you. Or it can be the worst thing – if you lose your personal identity in that relationship. If you’re struggling with life, losing yourself, and figuring out who you are, click on This is Not the Life I Ordered: 50 Ways to Keep Your Head Above Water When Life Keeps Dragging You Down by Deborah Collins Stephens et al. It’s one of my favorite books on how to be authentic and successful.

And, read on to learn how not to lose your personality identity in a romantic relationship…

How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship

Realize when you’re “giving yourself over.” Healthy romantic relationships require compromise on both parts. To keep your personal identity, recognize when you’re acting on behalf of the relationship (such as going to boxing matches with your sweetie or making some sort of sacrifice) versus soaking up new likes or activities that aren’t who you are (such as taking on the “I love boxing!” mentality).

Spend time with your friends. Many women lose touch with their friends when they fall in love…it’s a normal part of the whole romantic relationship cycle! When you’re first falling in love, you spend more time with your lover. But, it’s important to balance that new, exciting part of your life with your “old” life: your friends and family. To keep your personality identity, keep your friends (if you struggle with toxic friends, read Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez).

Confess the bad bits to your friends and family. I’ve dated men who had personality and character traits that I could not tell my friends and family about! I was embarrassed and even ashamed that the man I was in a romantic relationship with had those traits…so I didn’t tell anyone about them. That, my friends, is one way to lose your personal identity in a romantic relationship. To stay connected to who you are, talk about the things that bother you about your boyfriend and your relationship. Force yourself to be honest and real.

Listen to the poet Rumi, and “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” In the first blush of love, you want to be together all the time! Stop that. Take a step back. Tune into your heart and soul, and make sure you’re staying connected to who you are. Think about who this man is and what you want out of life…are they compatible? Make decisions about your relationship with both your head and your heart…not just your heart.

If you’ve lost yourself or your personal identity in a relationship, find hope and inspiration in George Eliot’s words: “It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”

What do you think of these suggestions for not losing your identity in a romantic relationship? I welcome your comments below…and if you want to find who you are after losing yourself in a relationship, let me know! I’d be happy to write that article.

Related posts:

1. Reclaiming Your Personal Identity or Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach
2. Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt
3. How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert

“I stand for freedom of expression, doing what you believe in, and going after your dreams,”  said Madonna.

Who can argue with doing what you believe in and going after your dreams? And the more successful women (Goddesses) you surround yourself with, the more likely you’ll get what you want out of life - whether you want a college degree or freedom from depression!

And that’s what a Goddess party is all about: connecting with women to energize your mind, body, and soul. These tips for throwing a Goddess party will give you ideas. For more on being a Goddess in every day life, click on Goddesses in Everywoman: Powerful Archetypes in Women’s Lives by Jean Shinoda Bolen.

5 Tips for Throwing a Goddess Party – Madonna

1. Invite women to dress like Goddesses. Encourage the women you invite to wear clothes that make them feel authentic, real, and Goddess-like. Stress that they don’t have to wear ornate costumes; Goddesses need only adorn themselves with clothes that make them feel happy, spirited, encouraged, or soulful. Feather boas, faux-fur purses, pink cowgirl boots, glittery tiara – anything and everything goes at a Goddess party!

2. Don’t listen to or feel the music; be the music. The last Goddess party I attended involved a musical saw, drums, a guitar, the spoons, a musical egg, and “tap” boots (one Goddess made music by drumming the heel of her boots on the ground). Encourage your friends to bring whatever instruments they have – even if it’s a recorder from their elementary school days or a couple of spoons from the kitchen drawer. You don’t have to sing like Madonna to be the music!

3. Move your Goddess bodies. If you’re throwing a party to celebrate women, consider a short physical activity. For instance, the last Goddess party I went to had a Nia lesson, which was not only fun and invigorating, it taught us a new way to move our bodies. Consider getting a fellow Goddess to lead a short belly dance, hip-hop, or yoga lesson. Anything goes!

4. Invite your Goddesses to share. “Ode to the Female Period” was a deep-yet-funny poem read by a writer at the Goddess party I went to. I admired her writing skills, and also her courage and ease at reading in public. Some women balk at being so vulnerable - I know I do. If you’re throwing a Goddess party, consider asking your friends to bring something that is encouraging, positive, and uplifting to women. 

5. Explore other worlds. One of the Goddesses read our Tarot cards at the party I attended. A spiritual or soulful activity can connect the group as a whole (even with individual readings) and solidify individual hopes and dreams. Not every Goddess has to have her cards, tea leaves, or palm read – but it can be interesting to explore those worlds!

The foundation of any Goddess party is acceptance of self, others, and life.

“I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a b****h, okay.” – Madonna.

Do you have any thoughts about or tips for throwing a Goddess Party? Please share below!

Related posts:

1. Anne Lamott – Limping After Loss
2. 5 Signs You’re a Toxic Female Friend – George Eliot
3. How to Find the Strength to Leave a Bad Relationship – Gloria Steinem

Here’s her take on “seeing Jane soar”:

“The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect will spring,” said Didion.

How do you accept responsibility for your own life? It’s different for each woman – but one way is to learn how to communicate effectively. Women are great at building relationships, but can struggle to express what they really need, think, and feel! These communication tips for women are based on info from Nice Girls Can Finish First by Daylle Deanna Schwartz (another book I wish I’d written!). Click on the cover for more info, and read on for communication tips…

Communication Tips for Women – Joan Didion

1. Don’t talk on and on and on! The more you talk, the less you’re heard. Be specific and straightforward, skip excess details, and know what the purpose of your discussion is. Express what you authentically think and feel, but don’t ramble.

2. Be specific. “I’ve washed the supper dishes five out of seven times this week. Could we work something out, so I don’t feel like I’m carrying the whole load?” is a short, clear, specific request. Don’t let the discussion get derailed; stay focused on your goal of a more equitable arrangement.

3. Be clear about what you want. Successful communication for women (and some men – but more often women) is to stop being cryptic or expecting others to read between the lines! For instance, if a friend is chronically late, say “Tell me in advance if you’re going to be late, so I can get other things done instead of waiting. I’ve got things to do!”

4. Don’t push for change. Here’s an interesting communication tip for women: “You can only change yourself,” writes Schwartz in Nice Girls Can Finish First. “But you can help someone understand your side.” You may not be able to force your partner or kids to do the dishes or your friends to show up on time, but you can be clear about how you feel and explain that you’d appreciate more sensitivity for your feelings. Practice standing up for youself!

5. Show appreciation and be positive. When asking someone to do something, express your gratitude that your listener is paying attention and allowing you to express yourself. Schwartz also recommends saying something positive about the other person to lower his or her guard. “I value our friendship and want to share something…” She also says to end on a positive note: “I’m glad I could be straight with you. Tension isn’t good, and I want us to be good.”

If you have any thoughts or questions about these communication tips for women – or being willing to take responsibility for your life – please comment below!

For more communication tips, Read Assertiveness Training Tips for Improving Communication Skills on my Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals blog. And, you might like 10 Ways to Build Self-Confidence – Queen Latifah, here on See Jane Soar.

Related posts:

1. Women Considering Divorce – A Quips and Tips Article
2. Is This a Risky Financial Investment? Money Tips for Women
3. Financial Independence for Women – Quips and Tips

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” said Roosevelt – and that right there is a key definition of a successful woman! In this case, there’s no “one size fits all.”

Here are several possible ways to define a successful woman… if you want to go further, click on What Every Successful Woman Knows: 12 Breakthrough Strategies to Get the Power and Ignite Your Career by Janice Reals Ellig and Bill Morin.

The Definition of a Successful Woman – Eleanor Roosevelt

You may also like 10 Habits of Highly Successful Women!

External achievements. Does a PhD, MD, or LLB make you a successful woman? What about a house with an ocean view, or an apartment overlooking Central Park in New York City? Maybe getting a book published makes you successful, or raising healthy, happy children. Does achieving your goals make you a successful woman? (I say YES to that one, as the creator of “Quips and Tips for Achieving Your Goals” ).

Emotions and feelings. If you feel happy, fulfilled, and content with your life – does that mean you’re a successful woman? Sure! But what about perimenopausal or PMSing women? Their moods plummet and skyrocket at a moment’s notice, which may mean their self-identity or measure of success changes as their hormones fly. I think successful women feel fulfilled, but there’s more to success than feelings…

Physical and emotional health. I have ulcerative colitis and mild bouts of PMS every so often…does that mean I’m not successful? Are women who struggle with depression or cancer less successful? No – but women who stay physically fit and eat nutritious foods may live longer and healthier lives. So, I believe there is a connection between successful women and good health. Read Coping With Chronic Illness – Natalie Goldberg if you struggle with illness!

Treatment of others. It probably goes without saying that if you’re cruel, vindictive, or selfish then you’re probably not a successful woman…or are you? I know a smart businesswoman who has burned more bridges than she’s built – and her business is booming! Would she say she’s a successful woman? Yup. Would others say the same thing? Nope. Or maybe they’d say yes, but grudgingly.

What others say. Have you ever been complimented on your achievements, yet feel like they weren’t “all that”? Other people – like your mom – may gush about your life or actions, but that doesn’t mean you’re successful. For some women, admiration and respect means they’re successful. (Beware of the “seeking the approval of others” monster!).

Internal achievements (a strong self-identity). Back to Eleanor Roosevelt’s life lesson: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I think the best definition of a successful woman revolves around how she feels about and defines herself. It doesn’t matter what educations she has, whether she’s grouchy, what illness she struggles with, or what others say about her. For me, the definition of a successful woman is about how she feels about herself, and whether she’s living up to her own potential.

A successful woman marches to her own drummer…especially when it comes to defining whether or not she’s a success! Eleanor Roosevelt not only marched to her own drummer – she had her own orchestra. She was an advocate for working women as well as a prominent author, speaker, politician and activist. I’d say she was a successful woman. I wonder what she’d say?

What do you think of these  definitions of successful women? I’d love to hear your thoughts – big and little – below!

Related posts:

1. Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt
2. 3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt
3. 5 Steps to Being a Successful Woman – Katherine Hepburn

Just Who Will You Be?: Big Question. Little Book. Answer Within.

Here’s what she said at the Annual Women’s Conference:

“As long as I was trying to anticipate what people wanted from me, as long as I was trying to fulfill other people’s expectations, I was in a losing game,” said Shriver in 2007. ”That’s what I want to focus on…letting go of other people’s expectations of you so you can own your own life, write your own story and live your own legacy.”

Both of Shriver’s books (Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Went Into the Real World/Just Who Will You Be) focus on authenticity, self-acceptance, and honoring who you are as a woman. And, here are five ways to let go of other people’s expectations for you life, inspired by Maria Shriver.

Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations – Maria Shriver

1. Figure out which person wants what for your life. Maybe you’re applying for grad school or trying to lose 10 pounds — who is the source of your goals? Do you feel pushed into a life, job, marriage, or routine by other people? Are you forcing yourself to be someone you’re not? To let go of other people’s expectations, determine who wants what in your life. To figure out how to get what you want for your life, read Getting What You Want Out of Life – Angelina Jolie.

2. After you get real with yourself, get real with others. As hard as it is to express your true thoughts and feelings to other people (short-term pain), it’s even harder to live with the consequences of living up to other people’s expectations (long-term pain!). It takes practice to get and stay authentic…but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

3. Expect backlash from people who have their own agenda. You better believe people will squawk if you no longer pick up the slack at work, do the dishes every night, or cover for your fellow committee members! Let ‘em complain. Let ‘em get mad. They’ll eventually get over it. You can even commiserate and agree with them: “You’re right – everyone does have to do extra now that I’m not doing X all the time.”

4. Accept your own fears, frustrations, and anger. Let yourself moan and groan and be scared. Feel your fears and anxieties – and find ways to work through your feelings without losing sight of your goal. It’s okay to have feelings, but it’s not okay to let them cripple you.

5. Find your tribe. Surround yourself with people who want to see you become authentic, real, and focused on your own expecations of yourself. Who do you admire and connect with? Spend time with her or him. Soak up that delicious energy, and let it intensify your own energy.

Because of other people’s expectations, Maria Shriver gave up her career as a journalist to support Arnold Schwarzenegger as governer. She’s turned it around and is figuring out who she is in her own right — but she had to get lost to find herself.

What’s the biggest expectation other people have of you…and can you let it go? I welcome your comments below…

Related posts:

1. Secrets of Successful Women – 6 Life Lessons From Maria Shriver
2. Living Your Own Life – Maria Shriver’s Advice to Michelle Obama?
3. Saying Goodbye, Letting Go, and Moving On

“One of the most important milestones we’ll hit along the way is the moment when we finally own our own unique point of view and realize how priceless it is,” writes Ban Breathnach in Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort of Joy.

Keeping your self-identity involves honoring and expressing your own unique point of view – which can be alot harder than it sounds! Especially because losing yourself is so easy:

“The greatest danger, that of losing one’s own self, may pass off quietly as if it were nothing; every other loss, that of an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. is sure to be noticed.” – Soren Kierkegaard.

It’s insidious and gradual, this losing of self. Just a speck at a time and suddenly there’s fuzzy grey matter where your self used to be, sort of like your sock gradually thinning until there’s a hole where your heel once rested. A speck at a time, you could lose your self. It’s relatively easy to detect and even prevent the formation of a hole in your sock, but how, exactly, do you recognize and hold on to the specks of your self? I’m not sure. When figuring out how to hold on to our self-identity, perhaps we should start with the end result – the loss of your self-identity – and work our way to the beginning.

Keeping Your Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach

In my marriage so far my greatest fear is being In Charge of the House.

To me, being In Charge of the House means knowing where everything is all the time, from the cottage cheese (easy) to the Murphy’s Soap (not so easy). It means taking over the laundry, cooking, groceries, dusting and wiping tables counters stovetops sinks bathtubs. It means organizing meals when I’m not around at dinnertime, or at least making food suggestions. It means making sure we don’t run out of oatmeal, chocolate chips, flour, or oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. It means making all the dentist or doctor appointments. It means ironing stuff.

To me, being In Charge of The House represents a loss of self-identity. But, keeping your self-identity for some women is being in charge of the house – because we’re all unique. If you’ve lost your sense of self, you might find 4 Ways to Reconnect With Who You Were – Shirley Valentine helpful.

Be in Charge of Fulfilling Your Dreams

I want to be in charge of fulfilling my dreams and getting what I want out of life, not the filling the fridge! I see so many moms take complete, full-time care of their homes, husbands and grown children for decades. How did it come to be? Did they succeed in fulfilling their girlhood dreams – and if so, bravo! – or did they quietly drift into their lives, not realizing they could be losing themselves speck by speck?

Kierkegaard’s belief that our selves “pass off quietly as if it were nothing” makes sense because it’s difficult to recognize loss when it occurs just a speck at a time. Holding on to your self-identity involves protecting each piece of yourself.

Finding Yourself a Speck at a Time

If we lose our selves speck by speck, then can’t we rediscover our selves speck by speck? I believe the technical term is “respecking your self” by holding on to your self-identity. I also believe the “inconsequential” actions gather strength and power, enough to thrust you into exciting adventures!

“Respecking” your self involves discovering what you really think, and then – when you’re ready – sharing it with your colleague, friend, spouse, child, or parent. It’s realizing that instead of working you’d rather be reading dancing gardening running daydreaming swimming – and doing it even just for half an hour. It’s heeding what you already know: what you want to do, how you want your life to be, who you are, and with whom you want to spend your time…and speck by speck creating, saving, recreating and just plain being yourself.

“Respecking” your self is how you hold on to your self-identity.

What do you think — are you focused on reclaiming your personal identity? I welcome your thoughts and questions below…

Related posts:

1. How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship
2. 7 Ways to Overcome Procrastination at Work – Sarah Ban Breathnach
3. Sarah Ban Breathnach – Dream, Don’t Expect

“I think that whatever size or shape body you have, it’s important to embrace it and get down!” says singer Christina Aguilera. “The female body is something that’s so beautiful. I wish women would be proud of their bodies and not dis other women for being proud of theirs!”

And here’s another quotation about body confidence from Germaine Greer:

“I learned fairly early on that a beautiful woman doesn’t consider herself beautiful at all. She’s often crippled by lack of confidence. Every woman has something they dislike about themselves: if they’re blonde, they want to be dark, if they’re tall, they want to be short. If they have big breasts, they want to be flat-chested. The list is endless.” – Ed Burns in Germaine Greer’s The Whole Woman.

Don’t waste your energy, my friends! For more info on feeling better about your body, click Wanting to be Her: Body Image Secrets Victoria Won’t Tell You by Michelle Graham. And, read on for four ways to improve a negative body image…

Improving a Negative Body Image – Christina Aguilera

1. Accept that you’re not a mind reader. You may think you know what the guy in the elevator thinks of your body…but you don’t have a clue. To improve a negative body image, admit that you can’t read people’s minds! People are generally thinking about themselves 99% of the time: their work, their feelings, their opinions, their hunger pangs, their gas. You don’t know what people are thinking – so assume the best!

2. Let go of all-or-nothing beliefs. Accept yourself as a whole woman, flaws and warts and weaknesses and all. If your hair looks funny or you feel dumpy, it doesn’t mean you’re unattractive or fat! People don’t notice what you do – you’re your harshest critic. To improve a negative body image, practice enjoying yourself even if your hair isn’t perfect or your skin isn’t flawless.

3. Focus on your passions. To improve a negative body image, do something counterintuitive! Forget about your skin, weight, size, and shape. Instead, what do you love to do? What excites you, what makes you forget about time and place? Maybe you’ve always wanted to travel, paint, or explore the antique shops in the funkiest part of town. When you explore new things or concentrate on what makes you happy, you’ll increase your body esteem.

4. Stop hiding. Be real with others. I don’t just mean physically – I mean emotionally and intellectually. If you feel self-conscious about your belly or thighs, talk about it with your partner. Talk about where your lack of confidence as a woman stems from. To improve a negative body image, be authentic and real. You’ll not only feel better about yourself, you’ll encourage others to be real, too.

Do you struggle with a low body image? I suspect you might…I know I do! What woman doesn’t? Feel free to share your thoughts below. And before you go, here’s a great thought from a friend of mine:

“I look at pictures of myself when I was in my 30′s, and I can’t believe how beautiful I was,” said my 68 year old friend. “I was always trying to lose weight, I was always comparing myself to other women, and I was never happy with my appearance. What a waste of energy.”

Don’t waste your energy hating your body!

Related posts:

1. Coping With Negative Coworkers Who Drain Your Energy – Anais Nin
2. How to Handle Negative or Bossy Co-Workers – Sophia Loren
3. 10 Ways to Build Self-Confidence – Queen Latifah

Here’s what Shriver says about living up to other people’s expectations:

“As long as I was trying to anticipate what people wanted from me, as long as I was trying to fulfill other people’s expectations, I was in a losing game,” said Shriver, author of Just Who Will You Be?: Big Question. Little Book. “That’s what I want to focus on…letting go of other people’s expectations of you so you can own your own life, write your own story and live your own legacy.” (From her speech in ’07 at the Annual Woman’s Conference in California) 

Maria Shriver gave up her career as a highly respected journalist to support Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor; she’s honest about how she lost herself in that role. If Shriver gave Michelle Obama advice, what would she say? 

How Michelle Obama and Maria Shriver Are Alike

Before Barack hit the campaign trail, Michelle Obama earned $300,000 as a lawyer and hospital executive. She was a successful career woman – just like Shriver was.

And, she’s giving up her career to support her husband…just like Shriver did.

After Schwarzenegger was elected, Maria Shriver was totally caught up in other people’s expectations: her family’s, her husband’s, and the state of California’s. The only expectations she didn’t fulfill were her own. Shriver lost herself and – like many women – had to re-learn who she was and what she really wanted. Writing the book Just Who Will You Be? was part of her journey back to herself.

Is Michelle Obama losing herself? She says she doesn’t miss her independent career. “I have very full days,” she says. “When we’re done, I can structure a more formal career if that’s where I choose to go.” (People Magazine, March 9, ’09).

Maria Shriver’s Advice to Michelle Obama

I think Shriver would tell Michelle Obama not to focus on creating new China patterns or mixing current dishes for White House dinners – and aim for higher commendations than being “imaginative” in picking out dishes for dinner! Shriver would encourage Michelle to be authentic, honest with herself and others, and let go of other people’s expectations.

Maria Shriver would encourage Michelle Obama to make a pledge to herself. Shriver’s own pledge is, “I pledge to show up in life as myself, not as an imitation of anyone else.” 

It’s hard for me to believe that a smart, educated, sophisticated woman like Michelle Obama could be satisfied with something less than her intellectually challenging career. Shriver regretted losing herself in the role of politician’s wife…and I keep wondering if Michelle Obama is doing the same thing!

What do you think Shriver’s advice to Michelle Obama would be?

Related posts:

1. Secrets of Successful Women – 6 Life Lessons From Maria Shriver
2. Giving People the Benefit of the Doubt – Michelle Obama
3. Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations – Maria Shriver