Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations – Maria Shriver
Here’s what she said at the Annual Women’s Conference:
“As long as I was trying to anticipate what people wanted from me, as long as I was trying to fulfill other people’s expectations, I was in a losing game,” said Shriver in 2007. ”That’s what I want to focus on…letting go of other people’s expectations of you so you can own your own life, write your own story and live your own legacy.”
Both of Shriver’s books (Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Went Into the Real World/Just Who Will You Be
Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations – Maria Shriver
1. Figure out which person wants what for your life. Maybe you’re applying for grad school or trying to lose 10 pounds — who is the source of your goals? Do you feel pushed into a life, job, marriage, or routine by other people? Are you forcing yourself to be someone you’re not? To let go of other people’s expectations, determine who wants what in your life. To figure out how to get what you want for your life, read Getting What You Want Out of Life – Angelina Jolie.
2. After you get real with yourself, get real with others. As hard as it is to express your true thoughts and feelings to other people (short-term pain), it’s even harder to live with the consequences of living up to other people’s expectations (long-term pain!). It takes practice to get and stay authentic…but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
3. Expect backlash from people who have their own agenda. You better believe people will squawk if you no longer pick up the slack at work, do the dishes every night, or cover for your fellow committee members! Let ‘em complain. Let ‘em get mad. They’ll eventually get over it. You can even commiserate and agree with them: “You’re right – everyone does have to do extra now that I’m not doing X all the time.”
4. Accept your own fears, frustrations, and anger. Let yourself moan and groan and be scared. Feel your fears and anxieties – and find ways to work through your feelings without losing sight of your goal. It’s okay to have feelings, but it’s not okay to let them cripple you.
5. Find your tribe. Surround yourself with people who want to see you become authentic, real, and focused on your own expecations of yourself. Who do you admire and connect with? Spend time with her or him. Soak up that delicious energy, and let it intensify your own energy.
Because of other people’s expectations, Maria Shriver gave up her career as a journalist to support Arnold Schwarzenegger as governer. She’s turned it around and is figuring out who she is in her own right — but she had to get lost to find herself.
What’s the biggest expectation other people have of you…and can you let it go? I welcome your comments below…
I am wondering what “Brenda Griner” wrote this previous response to topic. There are not many Brenda Griner’s out there that have the same background as me??? Just curious?
Brenda Griner
Beaumont, Texas
hello. I cant let go of this feeling with my dad. Feels like Im living up with his expectations. I felt like there’s no room for drawbacks or mistakes. This time is so hard for me, really tough. how can I say this to my daddy ms. Laurie?
Hello Maria,
Thanks for your insights on Letting Go of other people’s expectations..all I do with my life is
help others and family members, I never have time for me..They are always disappointed in me
or find faults so I am giving it up and let everyone do their own thing and I am going to find my life and what I want to do..I am being someone that I am not and getting physically and
emotionally sick of it..
Sincerely,
Brenda Griner
Hi I have not read any of your books yet but, as soon as
I can get some free time to get my hands on one I will. Which one Do I need to read first? Here goes, Im twenty-four years old and married for three, have a one year old baby girl. Go to school which i can finally say is something I really want in my life.But I m trying to figure out who(really) I am.Sometimes Its like Ive already been here but can’t get past this. My husband is rarely home works twelve hour shifts. When I try to communitcate with him he doesn’t want nothing to do with me. he says no conseling will help. He has cheated in the past and is very selfish. I already know you should not stay together because of the child. If i keep trying then I won’t feel as if I failed at keeping my family together.
My heart goes out to jessie from the post from last August. My mother was abusive too and just has never really cared about me (or my siblings). I liked Amanda’s advice that we have to be the mother to ourselves that we wish we would have had.I have three daughters of my own now and would never treat them the way I was treated.I know this is more common than is talked about, but I always feel so alone with this issue. It’s really hard to talk about it with others because they will not understand. I do not want to be labeled the “ungrateful daughter”.We cannot pick our parents, and unfortunately some of us are not given warm, nurturing ones that others have.
Hi – thank you for this forum, it’s the very topic of a battle i’m struggling with too.
I’m in my late twenties and have always had minor successful runs at careers in the TV spotlight. I haven’t quite “made it” yet as my family/friends are sure I will do. But now i’m pregnant, very early stages, from a relationship/on-off engagement which friends, family and peers know very well is an unhealthy one.
The truth is I want this baby, I am broody and it wasn’t an accident, but the relationship wasn’t stable enough to go smoothly – he also has kids from a previous marriage. So by all accounts, it can be rightly seen as irresponsible.
Before this relationship I was very much a workaholic, spending hours at work pouring over details to perfection. I moved away from family/ friend networks to be close to the office and would often come home feeling lonely, and slowly began to wonder who I am doing this for? I simply wasn’t feeling fulfilled.
I began to resent people’s opinions, telling me “I can make it, don’t throw it away for someone who’s not worth it.” I would defensively tell them, it’s not them coming home to an empty place and exhausting themselves to meet expectations. I was told by friends they would love to have the opportunities I have. But often, the grass can seem greener and we can impose our dreams onto other people. I know that they only want the best for me. But there’s a quote that struck with me, that “not everything that glitters shines in this world”.
I would love the financial security of a successful career but I shun the expectations and exposure that comes with it. Sometimes I just want to hide away. I crave a simple life, campervan holidays with my kids (and partner if we make a go of it). I enjoy my job when I have a work/life balance…but without children/my own family I feel my life has very little meaning or fulfillment. But if i do it alone, I really don’t to bring my children up on the poverty line.
This battle is crowding my brain, partly because i don’t have all the time in the world to decide on whether to keep this baby… or not have it, get rid of my controlling partner and get back on track. I simply don’t know.
Ultimately, my entire life has been living up to expectations partly for my own self esteem…and i realise it’s probably the reason i choose the careers I do. But it’s exhausting.
Pat,
Thanks so much for your thoughts. I will do as you suggest, knowing that after all these years I cannot expect another person inside of me immediately. .. Even when I was a group leader, a few years back, I could not be assertive in that title. I could not say “no” if I thought someone was wrong. I just would listen to them. I guess this all goes together but it sure would be nice to be me and do what I want to do, if that is ever possible for me to do. .. Can you advise a book for me to start with about asserting myself.
Thanks so much for your time !!!
Blessings,
Pat
Dear Pat,
I’m so sorry for talking so long to respond! It feels like yesterday that you left your comment, and here a week has passed…I hope you accept my apologies for not replying sooner.
The longer we live with our habits, quirks, and tendencies, the harder it is to give up those ways of being in the world! So it’s totally understandable that you’re still a people pleaser, that you still can’t let go of other people’s expectations.
But just because it’s difficult to let go of those old ways of being, doesn’t mean it’s impossible!
I encourage you to empower yourself by reading books about asserting yourself and letting go of the habit of being a people pleaser. Just learning about it can change the way you think and act — maybe not overnight, but certainly over time.
And, I encourage you to keep being aware of when you’re putting other people first. Notice what you’re doing, and let your mind play out the different ways to change your actions. You don’t necessarily need to stop living up to other people’s expectations (suddenly doing that would be too difficult to sustain) — but just let your mind work through the possibilities.
Start small, with reading and imagining. What you’ll absorb through books and what you’ll visualize will begin to appear in your daily life, in small ways. Then, it’ll become bigger and bigger…and you’ll surprise yourself by putting yourself first for a change!
Try it. Let me know how it goes.
Blessings,
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..How to Set New Goals When Your Old Goals Aren’t Working =-.
My fear is that I will not do what others want me to do or expect from me. I still a person pleaser; and if I think I have disappointed someone, I am very sad and cannot get it out of my mind. That fear stops me from moving ahead on my own. I started by always doing what my parents said and what they expected from me. Of course, it continues and I am 66 years old, married with adult children and grandchildren. .. I still cannot put me first.
Thanks for listening.
Hi Cam,
Thanks for sharing this bit of your life with me — it sounds like you’ve got your hands full, with a job and raising your children! That’s a big serving of life you’ve got there.
You need to establish and stick to your boundaries with this coworker and friend — just like to establish and stick to boundaries with your kids. In practical terms, this means deciding what you want your work relationship and your friendship to look like, and then communicating your expectations to him.
This is often much easier to say than do! Letting go of other people’s expectations means being willing to tolerate their disappointment, criticism, judgement, and other negative reactions. But, either you live in your swamp of frustration and negativity, or you stand up for yourself and your family.
I wrote an article about handling negative or bossy coworkers, which contains practical tips for dealing with difficult people. Here’s the link:
How to Handle Negative or Bossy Coworkers
I hope it helps — and please let me know if you need more tips! I’d be happy to dig them up and post them here.
Take care — and good luck with him,
Laurie
.-= Laurie PK´s last blog post..Teaching Kids about Money at Christmas – Tips for Parents =-.
Hi there! I have a situation for you that I’m seeking some help with.
I’m in a business situation where I sell real estate with another 2 Agents. As I am also a 1/2 time father it is imposssible to have a social life or do anything outside of being a parent and realtor.
My problem, which may see weird, is that my one tight business partner thinks that nearly every waking moment I’m not with my kids I OWE to our company. So right now I don’t even have time to clean my house, keep ontop of my goals, meet anyone, nothin’. Because I’m with my kids 1/2 the time, there are a few late night appointments I do miss which they have to cover for me. And for this, I WANT to be there for them too. But like, after my kids go to sleep this friends wants to come over and hangout until I kick him out and get the guilt trip – like EVERY night! So when I’m not working 12 hour days, and my kids are asleep, there he is. Already assuming we’re hanging out everday.
Personally, I want tot hangout with a friend like 1/2 times a week only – and I have lots of friends. Yet, b/c I can’t plan times with friends on workdays, and b/c they’re sick of always having to come over to my house where we’re homebound (cuz I have the kids), I never go out and never have a chance to meet anyone.
It’s getting so bad feeling that I’m fighting for my time, my energy. What can I do? How do I tell this person (with love) to back-off?
Interesting — thanks for your comment, Nora.
I think the fundamental question is: Is the incoming culture strong enough to overpower women’s beliefs and rights, or will the existing culture be strong enough to withstand the incoming culture’s beliefs and values?
I agree that incoming managers may act on their beliefs, but I think the North American culture and liberties will be stronger.
Of course, it depends on the size of the organization, location, number of employees, etc — a whole host of factors.
Hmmm….great food for thought!
Laurie
.-= Laurie PK´s last blog post..When You’re Starting Your Own Business – What Successful Businesswomen Know =-.
The biggest expectation people have of me is to accept discriminating behavior that prevades many workplaces. This is not the BAU males vs. women stuff that generations of women have long endured. Today’s American workplace is the prime destination of ambitious people who have come here from developing countries. They begin as cheap offshore contractors and as they become the subject matter experts for a company’s technology, they are hired, brought onshore and climb the corporate ladder. The thing is — where they go, so go their traditions and cultural beliefs. Women across this country are being managed by people, both male and female, who believe whole-heartedly that women are inherently inferior. Worse, these managers cannot help but to act on their beliefs. HR resources are powerless and leadership has bigger problems — they think. In companies, or on teams, where Indians and Mid-Easteners are in charge, the new “N’grs” are uppity American women. Will bee-keeper outfits and saries have to replace our Jones of NY and Ann Taylor suits before something happens to alter this new assault?
Jessie,
I’m sorry for you, and that your mom treats you that way.
I love Amanda’s advice to you: “Take care of yourself the way you wish your mother would love you.” It’s sad that you have to do this — I had to do it, too. But, sometimes we’re dealt a bad hand of cards and all we can do is play it as best we’re able.
And, keep looking for that light! Maybe the light in this dark world will be a friend, a pet, a teacher, a family member, a book, or even a website or forum. Be open to finding new ways to stay happy and motivated.
Also — hold on to the idea of being an adult! Your freedom and lightness is coming soon; you can make your own decisions and be your own person soon. Hang in there until you can get away from your mom….and keep surrounding yourself with people who care and love you. Make sure those people have your best interests at heart.
Take care, and you’re welcome to come back here anytime.
Laurie
.-= Laurie PK´s last blog post..How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship =-.
Jessie
I am so sorry that your mum’s heart is frozen and she cannot see the love and feel the love you have for her.
very soon you will wake and you will feel more alive than ever,you will feel the best you have felt in a long time.The best times are to come.its now time for you to make your own way,you are not alone,there will always be someone there to take care of you at just the right moment.remember who you are,love yourself the way you wish your mother would love you.Take care of yourself the way you would want your mother to take care of you.It does get easier…keep breathing,keep hoping and trust in life.
I am thinking of you always x
im going through life with no expectations if anything my parents expect me to fail im kind of a loser thats made alot of mistakes my mom is my only parent and she wishes i wud go away and disappear and she cud go on with her own life its always been that way she sent me away to institutions for the insane in my teenage years all the money she spent she could have sent me to collagge then i came home at 16 and she kick me out ive been on my own ever since ive been beaten ive been homeless and im still holding on trying to find a light in my depressing world i feel like im down in a grave already and im never gonna see the light again
we are one
Thanks for your encouragement, Amanda — and yes, I do understand what you mean about not letting go of other people’s expectations being more painful than the unknown of letting go!
It reminds me of this quotation:
“And the time came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” – Anais Nin
I think you’re blooming — and it can be painful, but it’s definitely less painful than staying where you are.
When I have a Laurie retreat, I also wax my body parts…..it makes me feel more attractive! I did this even when I was single, because I loved being smooth and feeling sexy.
If you have any requests for articles or need help solving problems, let me know. I’m always looking for new article ideas and new ways to help women achieve their dreams….I love to See Jane Soar!
Blessings,
Laurie
hey there laurie
I see what you are saying,I feel very fortunate to be at this point in my life,when in fact not letting go..just the thought of not letting go brings me more pain than the unknown of letting go..if you can see my meaning there?
I totally agree with finding ”your tribe”.thats where I am at now.I am a mixture of emotions,though the main one is exitement.
I today decided to have an amanda retreat…good food,pampering sessions,hot baths,good movies…
your articles here have helped give me direction,I am doing everything differently and having so much fun with it.
instead of thining about what you want to do laurie…decide who you are gonna be
and by the looks of things you are already being light and inspiration to many
Yes, Amanda, you need to let go of other people’s expectations — whether they’re your parents, and whether or not they’re here!
But, how do you let go? That’s the tricky part.
My favorite way is to “find your tribe.” It’s easier for me to let go of other people’s expectations when I surround myself with people who believe in me, who support me, who encourage me!
I’m also practicing figuring out what I really want out of life…not what I think I should want. It’s hard!
The biggest expectation I have has kinda continued from my parents. I have continued it even though they are no longer here.
time to let that go xxx
Hello Laurie,
It is mostly my children, now that they are grown and gone, who occasionally wonder aloud, or outright ask, why I am not working. My husband prefers I stay home since his job takes him out of town much of the time. He likes knowing I’m here if something needs attending to that he can’t do because he’s not always home during the week.
Other than that, it is society itself. Even when my children were little I would receive a patronizing, condescending attitude from people when I would mention I didn’t work, except at home. Their look and tone was, and still is, like what would accompany patting a child on the head. The obvious implication being that I was less than I should be; somehow stunted or deficient. All very aggravating and an ongoing blow to my self-esteem.
At the moment I’m not sure what I write. For six years I wrote fanfiction based on J.R.R.Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings”. Within that general area of writing I wrote drama, romance, humor, a mystery and speculative fiction pieces. (I like that umbrella term.) Several of my readers told me (more than once) that I was good enough to write original fiction, so I finally decided to give it a go. I’m currently enrolled in the Long Ridge Writers Group “Breaking Into Print” course. My fiction is seeming to lean toward speculative fiction thus far and I would like to write mysteries. My teacher was very impressed with the nonfiction article I wrote for the course. (Only one so far, she is currently looking over the second.) I entered a story (speculative fiction) into a recent contest at “The Verb” and tied for Honorable Mention with nine others out of 318 entries.
I’m not quite sure what freelancing is all about, though it does seem to be a profitable form or writing. I don’t need to earn a livable income but it would be nice to have some of my work sell . . . if for no other reason than to quiet the “You don’t have a paying job?” detractors.
I do want to become a published writer.
Thank you for responding to my comment, Laurie, and for your interest in my writing. You are most kind.
Sandra
I love this article Laurie – covers everything important about letting go of others expectations so clearly. Over the years I’ve become pretty good at letting go of others expectations, and of finding my tribe, but where I get caught occassionaly is with an expectation that doesn’t stem from anyone in particular – just a societal one I guess, like I ‘should’ be working harder to achieve my goals, when I don’t believe in ‘hard’ work – I believe in putting my time and energy into my passions and purpose etc. but if it doesn’t flow or if it’s not enjoyable and is ‘hard’ or a ‘struggle’ then I’ve found it doesn’t usually work out in the end anyway (without stress etc). Yet that message is so prevalent in our society that I feel like a lazy lout sometimes for doing things with ease or taking time for myself when others are ‘busy’ working. It’s a funny world we live in with so much diversity – we just need to learn to accept each others’ styles more including our own!
Thanks for your thoughts, Sandra!
You’re right, something has to be prioritized – the career or the family – because both can’t have your full attention. I once thought that women could prioritize each one as they want. That is, they can work for a few years, then raise the family, then go back to work….but I don’t think it’s that easy.
I’m curious who expects you to have a career instead of taking care of your home and family? Sometimes husbands have that expectation, which is worse than other family members or friends. But I suspect most husbands love having their wives take care of the home front
I’m also curious what type of writing you do! I’m a full-time freelance writer. If you need any writing or publishing tips, click on my “Quips and Tips for Successful Writers” on the right
Hope to talk to you again,
Laurie
The biggest expectation others have of me is that I should have a job/career instead of being a stay at home wife. It was bad enough when I was a stay at home mom and wife, but now that the kids are grown it is even worse. And I can’t let it go. I’m so tired of bucking the system. Heaven knows, we are worthless unless we bring home a paycheck and I’m tired of being seen as worthless.
You have people bugging you to get married and have a family, but what our society really wants is all women doing it all; what I see as the feminist lie. Some women can manage it but many end up feeling like losers because either the career or the family gets second best.
So, I’m endeavoring to become a published author because I can write well and I can do it from home. The only problem is that it takes a while for writing to pay so thus far my detractors aren’t very impressed.
Also, sometimes I do think it is more important to not get what we want, to not be so self-centered and self-satisifying. There are many times when the best thing we can do for ourselves is what we do for others, or what we give up for others. I think society suffers when we are so focused on ourselves.
It is a delicate balance and a balance is the most difficult thing in the world to maintain.
Sandra