Need a break from reality? Check out these funny quotes and sayings by women, beginning and ending with comedienne Paula Poundstone…

“The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look whether they’ve seen a moth or an ax murder.” – Paula Poundstone.

Same with my dog, actually.

One of the funniest women on the planet is Tina Fey. If you haven’t read Bossypants yet, check it out. It’s both funny and filled with interesting insights into show business.

Funny Quotes and Sayings by Women

“Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn’t throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.” – Paula Poundstone.

On Achievement:

“We should pass a new law. Nobody can get famous just by sleeping with a celebrity and getting naked in a magazine. You have to make a contribution to society first. You can still be in Playboy, you just have to do something worthwhile beforehand. ‘I’ve developed a vaccine, and I’d like to show you my breasts.’ Go ahead, you’ve earned it.” – Elayne Boosler.

“I’m lazy. At work my favorite part of the day is being on hold.” – Janet Rosen.

On Housework:

“Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. ‘My God, the floor’s immaculate. Lie down, you hot b**ch!’” – Joan Rivers.

“I do clean up a little. If company is coming, I’ll wipe the lipstick off the milk container.” – Elayne Boosler.

On Confidence:

“You get more confident when you’re married. When you’re single and you don’t hear from your boyfriend, you wonder, ‘Should I call him?’ When you’re married and you don’t hear from your husband, you wonder what you should call him.” – Rita Rudner.

On Cooking:

“I’ve been so busy, I don’t even have time to cook for my kids. I don’t wanna say we eat out a lot, but I’ve noticed that lately when I call my kids for dinner, they run to the car.” – Julie Kidd.

“Men are very strange. When they wake up in the morning they want things like toast. I don’t have those recipes.” – Elayne Boosler.

On Men:

“My mom always said, ‘Men are like linoleum floors. You lay them right, and you can walk on them for 30 years.’” – Brett Butler.

“I’m at a point where I want a man in my life, but not in my house. Just come in, attach the VCR, and get out.” – Joy Behar.

On Money:

“I saw a truck today. Side of the door it said, “Driver has no cash.” I’m broke, too – but I don’t plaster it all over the side of my car.” – Margaret Smith.

“I got my first full-time job, but it’s weird. I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.” – Melanie Reno.

And a final quote from Paula Poundstone:

“My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off the kitchen table. She said, ‘Well, dammit, we can’t have nice things.’”

If you have any funny quotes or sayings by women to add, please share below!

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