Hear Jane Roar!

Amy Tan – Getting Worn Down by Life

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 15:25:20 +0000

What does it feel like to get worn down by your life? Here’s what bestselling author Amy Tan says about losing yourself slowly as the years go by…

“I did not lose myself all at once. I rubbed out my face over the years washing away my pain, the same way carvings on stone are worn down by water.”

How is your life wearing you down?

Again, it’s the book thing for me. I want to be a published author, but have so many doubts, fears, and hesitations. Mostly I don’t want to waste my time writing stuff that’ll never get published, that I’ll never be able to pass around in book form.

Are your relationships wearing you down?

I used to fear that my marriage would change who I am, would wear down my spark, life, and personality. I grew up with a single mom, and no men at all in the vicinity, so I thought men were….not “evil”, but draining and suffocating.

It turns out that marriage can lift you up and bring you to life! My marriage has shown me my greatest weaknesses, and my biggest strengths.

Maybe getting worn down by life depends on us. That is, maybe we have control over how much our lives and relationships will wear us down, and how much they’ll boost us up.

Back to Amy Tan’s words about getting worn down by life:

What pain are you washing away? What is slowly wearing your face, personality, and identity away?

Share/Save

Diane Sawyer – Do You Believe in Yourself?

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 23:37:51 +0000

One of my favorite quotes from Diane Sawyer is about wanting great things from your life – and believing in yourself enough to get what you want.

Because if you don’t believe, you won’t achieve.

“Whatever you want in life, other people are going to want it too. Believe in yourself enough to accept the idea that you have an equal right to it.” ~ Diane Sawyer.

It doesn’t matter what you want out of life – to lose 25 pounds, find the right man, get that university degree, or move to Hawaii – if you don’t believe that you have an equal right to it, then you won’t get it.

What Believing in Yourself Looks Like – Diane Sawyer’s Professional Achievements

She is one of the most respected journalists in the world – from White House press aide to CBS Morning News anchor to ABC World News anchor
The first woman correspondent on 60 Minutes
The first female co-anchor of Good Morning America; she and Robin Roberts were first women co-anchors in history
Named one of the world’s 100 most powerful women by Forbes in 2011
Won several awards, such as the Peabody in 2009, mostly for investigative reporting

To achieve all this, Diane Sawyer HAD to believe in herself.

What do you want out of your life – and do you believe in yourself?

I want to be a published author, and I believe in myself. I believe I have the right to a publishing contract, that I’m equal to the other aspiring authors who want to get their books published.

But, I’ve been rejected by literary agents and publishing houses so many times, I’m beginning to lose faith. Not in myself, but in the ability or willingness of the Universe to give me waht I want.

Have you ever felt this way?

Share/Save

Lillian Hellman – Get Out of Your Own Way

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 15:43:10 +0000

One of my favorite quotations for successful women is from Lillian Hellman – she was an American playright. Her quote is about self-sabotage and tripping yourself up.

It’s both depressing and empowering:

“It’s a sad day when you find out that it’s not accident or time or fortune but just yourself that kept things from you.” ~ Lillian Hellman.

I see this in my blogging career – I support myself as a full-time writer and blogger, and went through a financially lean four months with my Quips and Tips blogs. Why? Because while I knew how to blog successfully for money, I didn’t do it. Why didn’t I do what I knew would work? Because I was lazy and rushed.

The other day, I told Bruce (hubby) that I’m not a six figure blogger because I get in my own way.

And that’s why I’m posting Lillian Hellman’s quotation today…I’m tired of being the obstacle that keeps what I want from myself!

What about you…are you in your own way?

Share/Save

Sarah Ban Breathnach – Dream, Don’t Expect

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 14:05:53 +0000

What expectations do you have from your life, relationships, job? Drop them. Instead of expecting, take Sarah Ban Breathnach’s advice and start dreaming…

“Dreaming, not expecting, allows Spirit to step in and surprise you with connection, completion, consummation, celebration. You dream. Show up for work. Then let Spirit deliver your dream to the world.”

The best way to make your dreams come true is to write them down. You don’t necessarily need to make a list of dreams to accomplish; you can create a vision board or poster of magazine pictures that represent things you love.

What are my dreams?

To write See Jane Soar under a publisher’s contract. I’ve always wanted to be a published author, and I don’t want to die with that dream unlived.
To encourage, inspire, and motivate women to succeed. My dream is to help other women live the life of their dreams!

How do I show up for work?

Research, write, and polish sample chapters for See Jane Soar
Refuse to rush my sample chapters and book proposal. Take my time, and do it right.
Keep knocking on literary agents’ doors until I find the right one to represent me

What about you, fellow dreamers? What are your dreams and how will you show up for work?

Source of the quotation: Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort of Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach – one of my favorite books.

Share/Save

Martha Stewart – Bending Steel With Her Mind

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 14:47:32 +0000

Martha Stewart says she can bend steel with her mind – which is probably why she’s one of the most successful entrepreneurs in the world.

Here’s what she told Oprah:

“I can almost bend steel with my mind. I can bend anything if I try hard enough. I can make myself do almost anything. But you can get too strong, so you have to be careful. You have to temper your strength.”

O, the confidence! O, the determination!

If I applied half of her resolve and self-confidence — even one-tenth of it — I’d probably be a more accomplished writer, blogger, and entrepreneur.

If I had Martha Stewart’s confidence, I’d:

Hire writers and an editor to take “Quips and Tips” in a bigger, wider direction
Accept that I care what other people think, and let go of those cares
Tell the world that my book, See Jane Soar, will be accepted for publication by a Big Publishing House within a year

What would you do if you had Martha Stewart’s confidence and determination?

Source of quote: Oprah’s Cut With Martha Stewart

Share/Save

Christiane Amanpour – Taking Risks

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 14:32:28 +0000

What risks do you take in your life? I don’t mean physical risks like reporting on wars, like Christiane Amanpour does for a living…I mean intellectual risks at home, work, and in your community. Even your social community – Twitter or Facebook!

Here’s what Christiane Amanpour says about taking “intellectual risks”…

“There’s what I call intellectual risk. Do you tell the truth? Do you speak out? Do you push the limit with your bosses, colleagues, friends, and family? Do you stand up for what you believe is right? And are you prepared to live with the risks of doing that?”

When was the last time you told the truth, pushed your limits, stood up for what you believe is right?

My Biggest Risk

Tweeting Bible verses and stuff about Christianity seems like a big risk for me to take. I’m QuipsAndTips on Twitter, I have over 7,000 followers, and I’m reluctant to tweet stuff about Jesus because…it just feels risky! Partly because “Quips and Tips” is my professional brand, and I don’t really want to mix my career with my personal life. And partly because I don’t want people to think of me as a conservative Christian (I’m more like Anne Lamott than Ruth Graham).

I don’t think I’m making Jesus proud.

What about you – what’s the biggest intellectual risk you could take?

Christiane Amanpour is the anchor of ABC News’ This Week. She was CNN’s Chief International Correspondent for 27 years – she fearlessly parachuted into conflict areas in the Bosnia and Gulf wars.

Share/Save

Anne Lamott – Limping After Loss

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 16:12:49 +0000

After You Lose Someone You Love, You Walk With a Limp

Anne Lamott wrote an article for O magazine, about losing someone you can’t live without. She compared it to a broken leg: you heal, but you’ll always walk with a limp.

I found this passage when researching Madonna for See Jane Soar. Here’s what Oprah said to Madonna during an interview:

“A few months back, Anne Lamott wrote a piece for my magazine about being 49. I’ll read part of it: “I have survived so much loss, as all of us have by our 40s—my parents, dear friends, my pets…. If you haven’t already, you will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of a beloved person. But this is also the good news. They live forever, in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather is cold—but you learn to dance with the limp.” ~ from Oprah Interviews Madonna.

In response, Madonna said she’s learned to make her limp work for her.

What about you – is your limp working for you?

I think I’ve made my limp work for me. I’m estranged from my sister – she stopped talking to me about five years ago. I turned that pain into one of my most popular Quips and Tips blog posts: How to Let Go of Someone You Love. And, I wrote an ebook about letting go. It’s my bestselling ebook, because so many of us are in the same boat! We love, we lose.

While I’ll never completely get over my sister’s decision to cut me out of her life, I have learned to walk, run, dance!

And even soar.

Are you limping after loss, like I am?

Share/Save

Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 17:41:58 +0000

Overcoming Shame and Guilt is About Forgiving Yourself

Before you can overcome feelings of guilt and shame, you need to learn the difference between the two.

These tips are inspired by bestselling author Erica Jong…

“The trick is not how much pain you feel – but how much joy you feel,” says Jong. “Any idiot can feel pain. Life is full of excuses to feel pain, excuses not to live, excuses, excuses, excuses.”

Shame and guilt are great excuses for denying yourself happiness and a full life! If you’re paralyzed with regrets about your past, find ways to move forward. Read books like Healing the Shame that Binds You for help, and check out these tips on overcoming shame and guilt…

Moving beyond the painful, paralyzing emotions of shame and guilt isn’t easy – but there is hope, my friends, for moving on after making mistakes! University of Alberta researcher Jessica Van Vliet studied these emotions and found specific things that help with overcoming shame and guilt.

First: realize that shame and guilt can improve your life.

“Shame can prompt us to make changes that will help protect our relationships and also preserve the fabric of society. It’s important to emphasize that shame is essential and has value,” said Van Vliet. “The problem is when people get paralyzed with shame and withdraw from others. Not only can this create mental health problems for people, but also they no longer contribute as fully to society.”

Be aware of how shame and guilt damages your health and well-being

Women who feel debilitated by shame tend to internalize and over-personalize the situation. They also seem resigned to being unable to change their feelings or their fate – and don’t allow themselves to believe that overcoming shame and guilt is possible. They don’t let themselves overcome failure and bounce back.

“When people experience shame, they may say to themselves ‘I’m to blame, it’s all my fault, all of me is bad, and there’s nothing I can do to change the situation,’” said Van Vliet. “They identify so much with shame that it takes over their entire view of themselves. That leads to an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness.”

Know that overcoming shame and guilt involves going to the “dark place”

Erica Jong says, “Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.” I think the “dark place” can be found in many situations and is different for all women. When it comes to talent, the dark place can be feeling selfish, or forcing self-discipline to stay motivated to pursue your dreams. When it comes to shame and guilt, the dark place can be sitting with and accepting those terrible feelings.

Step back from the problem

A key to overcoming shame and guilt involves view your problem in a different, objective light. It helps to identify external factors that contributed to your actions or situation (discrimination or peer pressure, for example) and differentiate between being a bad person versus doing something bad.

“When people move from a sense of uncontrollability to the belief that maybe there’s something they can do about their situation, such as apologizing or making amends for their actions, it starts increasing a sense of hope for the future,” says Van Vliet.

Connect with friends, family, a higher power, or humanity as a whole

“Connecting to others helps to increase self-acceptance, and with self-acceptance can come a greater acceptance of other people as well,” says Van Vliet. “People start to realize that it’s not just them. Other people do things that are as bad or even worse sometimes so they’re not the worst person on the planet. They start to say to themselves, ‘This is human, I am human, others are human.’”

Do you find the thought of overcoming shame and guilt scary or risky? Remember…“if you don’t risk anything you risk even more,” says Erica Jong.

I welcome your thoughts and questions on overcoming shame and guilt below…

Source: University of Alberta (2009, September 9).” Overcoming Shame: Making Connections Is The Key, Says Researcher.” Van Vliet’s study was published in Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, and Practice.

To learn more about Eric Jong, go to EricaJong.com.

Share/Save

Best Ways to Think More Creatively – Maya Angelou

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Sat, 21 May 2011 18:49:50 +0000

How could I describe the best ways to think more creatively – and fire up your creative juices! – without calling on the great Maya Angelou?

If you want to brainstorm more creative ideas, think more creatively, and add more creativity to your life, trust this poet to give you the key to firing up your creative juices…

“You can’t use up creativity,” says Maya Angelou. “The more you use, the more you have.”

The secret to being more creative is getting the ball rolling. The more ideas you have, the more ideas you’ll get — just like the whole “rich get richer” upward spiral.

Ah, but how do you get the creativity ball rolling?

By reading books like John Maxwell’s Thinking for a Change: 11 Ways Highly Successful People Approach Life and Work – and it’s one of the most practical, motivational books I’ve read. He devoted an entire chapter to creative thinking, and I’m spilling a couple of his beans here.

Best Ways to Fire Up Your Creative Juices – Maya Angelou

Why do you want to think more creatively? Because:

Creative women attract dynamic, interesting, creative people.
Creative women learn more, and are better able to solve problems.
Creative women have more fun!
Creative women are happier. (Maybe).
Creative women know how to turn failure into success.

And, creative women trust themselves — they have a strong connection to why they are.

“Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts. And never hope more than you work.” ~ mystery writer, Rita Mae Brown.

Rita Mae Brown and Maya Angelou (also a writer!) would get along just fine – they both knew the importance of actively pursuing your creativity! Here are a few ways to think more creatively in everyday life…

Celebrate the “offbeat”

Creative people are a bit off center, eclectic, unusual, and “out there.” They’re not your usual dullards, plodding from one task to another. Creative people aren’t threatened by people or situations who are different — they seek out those experiences!

Most of us (especially women?) are uncomfortable, afraid of, or threatened by people who are different (especially women!). We’re more comfortable with people who are like us: normal, safe, familiar. So, to brainstorm more creative ideas, hang out with people who are different than you. The nuttier, the better!

Surround yourself with people you admire

“It’s a fact that you being to think like the people you spend a lot of time with,” writes Maxwell in Thinking for a Change: 11 Ways Highly Successful People Approach Life and Work. “The more time you spend with creative people engaging in creative activities, the more creative you will become.”

This doesn’t mean you have to work at Google or Apple! But it does mean you need to go out of your way to find and spend time with people who strive to find the best ways to think creatively — perhaps women who are enchanted by life.

Grab your camera – even if you never take photos

This tip for firing up your creativity is from Christine Kane, who is a mentor to women:

“My favorite camera is a Pentax K1000. It’s completely manual, and it’s how I learned to take pictures. I’m not very good. When I first moved to Asheville, I used to walk around town on Sundays (the whole town was closed up then) and take pictures of all the buildings. These photos are now a treasure to me because nothing is the same anymore. (Every building has been bought, remodeled and now is filled with stores that sell trickly fountains, Buddahs, and things that smell grassy.) Take pictures of anything. And have fun in the old method of actually getting your film developed and the excitement of flipping through photos you haven’t seen yet.” ~ from 21 Ways to Be More Creative.

One of the best ways to think more creatively is to do things you don’t usually do. I never take photos, but Christine’s idea makes me want to grab my husband’s camera and start shooting away!

Get rid of your TV

Christine Kane also suggests not just turning off your TV — you should get rid of it altogether! “Any time I teach writing or creativity, this is one of the biggies,” she says. “TV is a mind-killer. It numbs you. It fills you with emotionally-charged images and over-simplified solutions. It dulls you. Turn it off. Even if this idea scares you, turn it off.”

Of all four ways to be more creative, I think “get rid of the TV” is one of the best ones.

About Maya Angelou…

“Maya is a kind of quintessential Everywoman: essayist, entertainer, activist, poet, professor, film director and mother-and she recently guest conducted the Boston Pops simply because she felt like it. She has written more than 20 books, and she once had three titles — Caged Bird, The Heart of a Woman and Even the Stars Looked Lonesome —on The New York Times best-seller list simultaneously for six consecutive weeks. In 1993 she became the first poet since Robert Frost in 1961 to write and recite a poem at a presidential inaugural ceremony—a performance for which she won a Grammy for Best Non-Musical Album.” ~ from an interview with Oprah Winfrey in O magazine, December, 2000.

“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer,” says Angelou. “It sings because it has a song.”

What have you always thought you weren’t creative enough to do? Be a writer, perhaps? Read Want to Write More Creatively? Stop Killing Your Creativity!

Who – or what – fires up your creativity? What makes you sing?

Share/Save

5 Ways to Survive a Cheating Spouse – Elin Nordegren

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 17:30:04 +0000

Surviving a cheating spouse’s betrayal can be the most difficult thing you’ll ever do. These ways to survive marital infidelity are inspired by Elin Nordegren’s response to Tiger Woods’ affair.

“The word betrayal isn’t strong enough,” Nordgren said in an interview with People magazine. “I felt like my whole world had fallen apart.”

If your spouse cheated, you know exactly what she feels like. Add the humiliation of the affair being publicized all over the world, and it’s almost unbearable! My heart breaks for Nordegren, and for all spouses who have been betrayed. If your spouse cheated, you might find Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On — Together or Apart helpful.

And, here are five ways to survive a marriage affair…

5 Ways to Survive a Cheating Spouse – Elin Nordegren

1. Stop seeing your spouse. If you can make a clean break from your spouse, do it. Nordegren mentioned that she hasn’t watched a minute of golf since finding out about Tiger’s affairs. Not associating with your spouse or those familiar places and activities will help you rebuild your self-respect and self-love. Don’t talk to him on the phone. Don’t meet for coffee, email, or text each other. If you’re thinking of getting back together, take at least a three month break from your marriage. If you have to be in contact because of kids and visitation times, ask family or friends to be there for drop offs or pick ups.

2. Expect various, overwhelming emotions. “I have been through stages of disbelief and shock, to anger and ultimately grief over the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children,” said Nordegren. If you’re surviving a cheating spouse, accept your conflicting emotions. Learn how to express them in healthy ways, perhaps by writing in a journal, trying art therapy, or tackling projects at home (cleaning your closets or refurbishing furniture can be great therapy!).

3. Learn why your spouse cheated. Spouses have affairs for different reasons. If you can figure out why your spouse cheated, you may find it easier to cope and move on. Read Why Men Cheat on Their Wives — it contains illuminating information from marriage counselor Gary M. Neuman.

4. Forgive yourself. “I’m so embarrassed that I never suspected – not a one,” said Nordegren. “For the last 3 1/2 years, when all this was going on, I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school.” If your spouse cheated, you may feel similarly embarrassed or humiliated — and you may even feel guilty or responsible. The sooner you forgive yourself for your real or perceived mistakes or ignorance, the easier to’ll be to survive a cheating spouse. If you can release yourself, you may be better able to overcome an unexpected relationship breakup.

5. Decide if it’s time to let go — and then focus on letting go. One of my favorite quotations is, “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting them back together.” I love this quote because it’s true — sometimes it’s worse (in the long run) to try to rebuild your marriage than to keep slogging through the heartbreak.

If you’ve decided to leave your cheating spouse, you may find Letting Go of Someone You Love helpful — it offers 75 tips from psychologists, life coaches, and counselors. Remember that letting go isn’t something you do once, and it doesn’t happen overnight! It’s a process that takes time.

If you want to save your marriage, you may find Ways to Rebuild Trust in Marriage After Infidelity helpful.

Share/Save