“It’s heartbreaking to see my ex every single day at work,” comments a reader on my How to Survive Sadness and Depression After Breaking Up article. “I can’t avoid seeing him because we run a business together, and now I’m afraid our business relationship will be ruined too.”

Dealing with a broken heart is harder when you have to see your ex every day at work. If you’re crushed because of your breakup, read How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life.

And, here are six ways to deal with a coworker breakup…

Dated a Coworker? How to Deal With a Breakup at Work

1. Take control — find ways to empower yourself. You can’t change how you feel or what happened between you and your ex, but you can control what you focus on! You can control what you do, what you talk about, and what you think about. Instead of obsessing about your broken heart, what happened when you dated your coworker, why you broke up, and how heartbroken you feel, focus on other aspects of your life. Think about where you want your life to go. Where do you want to be in one year, or five years? What are your career goals, your life plans? This is the time to take a step back from your current path and look at your life in a new way.

2. Decide if it’s easier to find a new job than deal with workplace heartache. It probably won’t be easy to find a new job, but it may be better in the long run! It depends on the love relationship, how it ended, how you and your ex are dealing with the breakup, and what type of work relationship you have. You need to weigh the pros and cons of finding a new job versus working with a coworker you dated. Don’t make the easiest decision; make the best decision for your career and long-term happiness.

3. Make a clean break from your ex. One of the standard breakup survival tips is to avoid contact with your ex. But if you work together, it can be difficult or even impossible to avoid each other! Find out if you can work in different departments or divisions. Ask if you can get a transfer to a different location – either in your city or in another state or province. Brainstorm ways to stay at your job and avoid contact with your ex.

4. Avoid the temptation to get revenge. If you’re angry and hurt because of the breakup, you may be tempted to get back at your ex. Maybe you want to spread rumors, criticize him to your coworkers, or talk about how disappointing he was in bed. Don’t do it! Resist the temptation to get revenge! Attempting to get back at him will backfire. Revenge only prolongs the painful feelings and makes you look bad.  To deal with a breakup at work, you need to focus on healthy ways to let go of someone you love.

5. Don’t talk to your coworkers about the breakup. It’s never too late to draw a line between your personal and work lives. Avoid spilling your heart to your coworkers (or at the very least, just confide in one coworker). Remember that few people can keep a secret, and many people find it irresistible to dish about even their closest friends. Assume that what you tell your friends at work will eventually spread to your other coworkers…and maybe even to the coworker you dated. Try to talk about the breakup with your non-work friends.

6. Believe in yourself. A relationship breakup – whether it was dating a coworker for six months or leaving a marriage that lasted 25 years – can fill us with insecurity, self-doubt, and fear. Luckily, what you focus on grows. So, don’t focus on your pain, heartache, and trepidation about the future. Instead, focus on what you want to do with your life and the type of woman you want to be. Believe in yourself as a successful, strong, healthy woman!

For more breakup tips, read How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup.

Related posts:

1. Stop Feeling Guilty Over a Relationship Breakup – Quips and Tips
2. Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt
3. How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup – Rita Rudner

“My boyfriend and I have been together for three years,” says Liz. “I just found out he has been talking to three other girls on the internet. He says he won’t do it again but I am still not sure. I don’t know what to do anymore. What do I do?” (from 10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship).

One of the first steps is to find out why he cheated. Books like The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It are helpful because they give an objective perspective (which you and your husband don’t necessarily have).

If you’re struggling to rebuild marriage trust, read Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. And, here are five steps towards rebuilding marriage trust after an affair (even if your husband was “just” online chatting with other women!)…

Rebuilding Marriage Trust After an Affair – Ann Landers

“If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold you head high, look it squarely in eye and say, `I will be bigger than you…” ~ Ann Landers.

It’s important thing to remember that trouble — including cheating in marriage, betrayals of love, miscommunications in relationships, and arguments with spouses – are a normal part of love relationships! This doesn’t mean that cheating and other marriage problems are acceptable, of course! It just means that trouble is part of life.

If your share of trouble involves a cheating husband, you’re probably struggling to rebuild trust in your marriage. I hope these tips help…

1. Figure out why your husband cheated. If he cheated because he wasn’t getting something from you or your marriage, then it may be easier to rebuild trust because you can change your relationship! It isn’t easy, but you can work together to rebuild marriage trust. But, if your husband cheated because he was bored or it’s in his nature to roam, then it may be more difficult to rebuild trust. The reason he cheated may help you decide if you can trust him again. But remember: you can’t do all the work in figuring out why your husband cheated, how he can overcome the problem, and how to get your marriage back on track. He has to step up and be a man — which means admitting he cheated and working to make your marriage better.

2. Figure out what you need from your husband and marriage. If your husband travels for work or spends a lot of time on other activities, you may need him to put you first more often. If your husband isn’t willing to talk about his feelings, reasons for cheating, or your marriage, then you may need him to open up more. Before you can decide if you can rebuild marriage trust, you need to figure out what you need from him.

3. Ask your husband what he’s willing to do to save your marriage. After you figure out what you need from your husband, ask him clearly if he’s willing to give you what you need. Will he spend more time with you? Go to couples counseling with you — or get online help from a marriage coach? Start individual counseling for himself, if he needs to work through his issues? Read books about rebuilding marriage trust after an affair? If your husband isn’t willing to work towards saving your marriage, then you shouldn’t trust him again. You can’t save your marriage by yourself.

4. Learn how to tell when your husband is lying about cheating. Gary Neuman is the author of Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship; he was recently on the Dr Oz show. He and Janine Driver of the Body Language Institute discussed several ways to discern if someone is lying about cheating – and I describe their tips in 4 Ways to Tell if Your Husband is Lying About Cheating. It’s worth a read, even if you don’t think your husband is lying to you.

5. Don’t let fear or insecurity trap you in a bad marriage! Both men and women stay in bad marriages because they’re scared they’ll never be loved again. If your self-esteem or self-confidence is low, find ways to boost it without relying on your husband or marriage. Getting as emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy as possible is more important that deciding if you can rebuild marriage trust after an affair! The healthier you are, the easier all your decisions in life will be — including your most important decisions about your marriage.

Ann Landers says,” All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest – never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partners.”

When you’re saving your marriage and rebuilding trust, don’t be afraid of healthy battle!

And, it’s worth noting that marriage coach Mort Fertel says husbands who cheat are less likely to cheat again. To get free advice from Mort,  read 7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage.

If you’d like to bring spirituality into your marriage, you might find Surviving an Affair in a Christian Marriage helpful.

Related posts:

1. 5 Ways to Survive a Cheating Spouse – Elin Nordegren
2. Habits of a Healthy Marriage – Quips and Tips
3. Surviving Online Affairs – A Quips and Tips Article

“Awakening is about involving yourself fully in the game, in the ebb and flow of your life,” says Dr Robin Smith. “If you have been hibernating, right now may be a good time to emerge from your cave.”

Are you hiding from your authentic self and life by drowning yourself in an ocean of financial debt? If your relationship with money needs an overhaul, read Emotional Spending: How To Break The Addiction. And, here are six ways to deal with financial debt, inspired by Dr Robin Smith…

Are You in Financial Debt for Emotional Reasons? Help From Dr Robin Smith

Lisa Bradley recently appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show, talking about her overwhelming financial debt and inability to live within her means. She thinks she overspends as an adult to compensate for things she didn’t have growing up. “It’s almost like I reverted back to my childhood and decided to buy my Christmas toys, except they’re not Barbie dolls anymore,” she says. “I didn’t get the Barbie car when I was little, but I’m going to drive the Barbie car now.”

Are you driving the “Barbie car”, which you can’t afford to pay for? If so, these tips for dealing with the emotional reasons for your financial debt may help…

1. Learn to control the emotions that lead to spending money. Dr. Robin advised Lisa to stop buying things, face her childhood shame head-on, and gain control of her emotions. “You were out of control from the very beginning,” says Dr. Robin. “[The] child in you – the wounded child that lives in all of us – was driving in the front seat of your adult life. That child needs to be put in the back seat, cared for, nurtured and reminded that there is now an adult who can look out for her.” Sometimes getting control of your emotions is simply about being aware of them. Knowing that you want to shop because you’re depressed or sad may help you build better money habits.

2. Tune in to your “emotional hunger.” If you can’t express your anger, hurt, fear, or pain in healthy ways, then you’ll turn to unhealthy outlets — which doesn’t make you a financially independent woman! Shopping, spending money, eating, binging, gambling, and many addictions are signs of unmet needs. Women who spend money for emotional reasons are often ignoring their emotional hunger — which is why they’re in debt because of “emotional spending”! If not properly expressed, feelings of fear, doubt, insecurity, anxiety, and low self-esteem can lead to a shopping addiction and serious financial debt.

3. Know – and learn how to cope with – your spending “triggers.” Do you succumb to shopping or spending too much money when you’re with a particular person? When you’re fighting with your partner? After dealing with difficult coworkers? Look for connections between the events in your life, your emotional reactions, and your financial debt. Identify the triggers or emotional reasons that send you running to the mall and lead to financial debt. Your triggers may never go away – you’ll always have stress, pain, and discomfort in your life. Since you can’t get rid of hardship or life’s challenges, you need to find healthier ways to cope with your feelings.

4. Talk to an expert in psychology and financial planning. If you can’t figure out the roots of your emotional spending, talk to a counselor. You’re spending money for a reason — and it’s probably an emotional one. The sooner you figure out what need you’re trying to fill, the sooner you’ll start dealing with your financial debt. For help with the practical side of budgets and spending, read 9 Tips for Taking Control of Your Money.

5. Give yourself time to learn how to express your emotions in healthy ways. Whether you’ve been struggling to overcome a shopping addiction for months or years, remember that it takes to learn healthier ways to deal with stress and your emotions. “Whether it’s food, whether it’s debt, whether it’s alcohol — detoxing sucks,” says Dr Robin. “I know that’s a nonclinical word, but we all know what it means. It does not feel good when one starts to clean up their mess.”

6. Know you’re not alone! Dr. Robin says women who are in financial debt for emotional reasons are not alone – everyone struggling with money problems is “trying to fill a spiritual wound with a cheap surrogate.” “BMW may not sound cheap, but for a child who is aching to feel like she was enough, for a child who was aching to feel the safety and comfort in his own life, a BMW can’t ever touch that wound,” she says. “What becomes more dangerous is the deeper the wound, the more I spend.”

Are you in financial debt for emotional reasons — and is Dr Robin Smith’s advice helpful? I welcome your thoughts below…

Related posts:

1. 5 Money Saving Hints for Women – Marianne Williamson
2. Is This a Risky Financial Investment? Money Tips for Women
3. Financial Independence for Women – Quips and Tips

These six ways to create a vision board that works will help bring your passions, hopes, dreams, and future plans to life! I’m so inspired by Martha Beck’s latest article in Oprah Magazine. I love Martha Beck, I love thinking about authenticity, and I love the idea of finding our destiny!

“When you start assembling pictures that appeal to your deepest self, you unleash one of the most powerful forces on our planet: human imagination,” writes Martha Beck in “The Vision Thing” (Oprah Magazine, June 2010). “Virtually everything humans use, do, or make up exists because something thought it up.”

Martha Beck is one of my favorite motivational authors; her latest book is Steering by Starlight: The Science and Magic of Finding Your Destiny. And, here are six ways to find your desiny by creating the right type of vision board…

5 Ways to Create a Vision Board That Works – Martha Beck

1. Be open to the power of a vision board. “When you start assembling pictures that appeal to your deepest self, you unleash one of the most powerful forces on our planet: human imagination,” writes Beck. “Virtually everything humans use, do, or make up exists because something thought it up.” Remember that a vision board sets the stage for possibility. And, making your dreams come true – finding your destiny – isn’t about getting exactly what you want! It’s about getting what you need.

2. Be clear on what a vision board is. “A vision board (also called a Treasure Map or a Visual Explorer or Creativity Collage) is typically a poster board on which you paste or collage images that you’ve torn out from various magazines. It’s simple,” writes Christine Kane, author of The Complete Guide to Vision Boards. “The idea behind this is that when you surround yourself with images of who you want to become, what you want to have, where you want to live, or where you want to vacation, your life changes to match those images and those desires.”

3. Create a vision board that represents who you are. Don’t look through the most popular magazines for images that represent everyone’s idea of success (eg, beautiful vacations, no credit card debt, a happy family). Instead, find unusual pictures of unfamiliar places, people, poetry. Find images that resonate with who you are – without worrying about other people’s expectations. Find pictures that represent your most primal, wild, unique, innate self.

4. Cut and paste photos that spark your inner “a ha”! Beck encourages us to find pictures that invoke the following responses: joy, wonder, excitement, curiosity, and happiness. Put photos that make you do a double take or gasp with excitement – and avoid our culture’s clichés (perfect families, exotic vacations, early retirement).

5. Stop thinking about what you want out of life. Instead of focusing with narrow minded tunnel vision on finding your destiny or making your dreams come true, let go of what you want. “Stop thinking about it,” says Beck. “The biggest mistake aspiring reality creators make…is continuing to push something they’ve already set in motion.” Hmmm….this one stopped me in my tracks. Maybe I’m too focused on “making” my Quips and Tips blogs succeed…maybe I reek of desperation and need! Maybe it’s time to let my vision board hum quietly in the background while I relax and do what I love (which involves blogging, so I won’t be abandoning my dreams :-) ).

6. “Be still and still moving.” Alas, Martha Beck says, vision boards aren’t a substitute for elbow grease! We need to be active about getting what we want out of life – we need to keep moving forward, in the direction of our dreams. How? By walking through open doors, listening to our hunches, taking advantage of “coincidences”, and doing what comes naturally. And, by knowing what to let go of!  For instance, I’m constantly tweaking my ads on my Quips and Tips blogs, instead of relating to my readers or meeting new bloggers who have common interests.

“Your vision board itself doesn’t impact reality; what changes your life is the process of creating the images — combinations of objects and events that will stick in your subconscious mind and steer your choices toward making the vision real,” writes Martha Beck.

For more Martha Beck on See Jane Soar, read 6 Ways to Increase Weight Loss Motivation.

Related posts:

1. 6 Ways to Increase Weight Loss Motivation – Martha Beck
2. Martha Stewart – Bending Steel With Her Mind
3. For Female Entrepreneurs – Martha Stewart’s 10 Rules for Starting a Business

“Face it: there is no magic solution to aging with grace and dignity,” say authors Vivian Diller, PhD, and Jill Muir-Sukenick, PhD. “We were once professional models, so we were made acutely aware how quickly a premium on physical beauty can fade with age. It took hard work and time, but we learned the secret of how to enjoy our changing appearance. Now we are therapists treating hundreds of women who may be fulfilled and evolved in many ways, but are still having difficulty coming to terms with the lines of time.”

To learn how to accept aging naturally (without cosmetic surger!), read Face It: What Women Really Feel as Their Looks Change, which was edited by Michele Willens. And, here are five truths about beauty that may change how you feel about your appearance…

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Appearance – 5 Truths About Beauty

Guest post ~ Vivian Diller, PhD, and Jill Muir-Sukenick, PhD

1. Beauty is not just a physical experience, but a psychological one as well. We tend to think of beauty as a skin-deep issue, all about how we physically look. But research tells us that perception of what is deemed attractive and unattractive is much more complicated. Why do you think some beautiful women say, “I’ve never thought I was pretty”? Yes, even beauties like Uma Thurman and Michelle Pfeiffer have drawn attention to what they consider flaws. Similarly, there are women who may not be your typical image of beauty, yet when you ask them they say they are quite confident in their looks. Serena Williams never tries to cover up her unconventionally muscular physique: in fact, she flaunts it and somehow it makes her more appealing. What makes women feel and look beautiful goes well beyond our physical self. It runs deep, much deeper than the eye can see.

2. Although we can’t stop the physical changes of aging, we can change our experience of aging. No one, not any doctor, dermatologist or surgeon can stop physical changes of aging. There may be ways to look better, take care of your skin and bodies that put things temporarily on hold, at least on the surface. We’re all for that! We’re also for ways we can experience — and even enjoy — our changing looks. If we take care of ourselves, it makes us feel better and we smile more. When we smile, we look more attractive. The sooner we go through an interior process, the more naturally beautiful you’ll feel inside and out.

3. While aging is inevitable and irreversible, self-image is not. Self-image can be fluid and timeless. Self-image is not an actual still picture of oneself. It is an internal experience, how we see ourselves from within, over time throughout our lives. It’s flexible and malleable. And we can take deliberate steps to improve our self-image – which is what we try to help women do. The truth about beauty isn’t about age; it’s about self-image. 

4. Beauty is in the “I” of the beholder. If we become our own internal “eye,” we can take control over how we see ourselves, rather than give it over to other people to determine if we’re attractive or not. Our six steps serve to change our thoughts, which change how we see ourselves and others. The result? Women will be less self-critical and less judgmental of one other.

5. Chronological age does not have to define you. You can define yourself at your chronological age. A particular age has little to do with how old you feel. You can define how you want to be 40, 50 and onward. We also don’t have to let magazine images define what is beautiful. Some women in their 20′s feel old. Some women in their 60′s feel young.

What do you think – is there any truth to these ideas about beauty? Can changing your thoughts change your appearance?

© 2010 Vivian Diller Ph.D., Jill Muir-Sukenick Ph.D., Michele Willens.

Related posts:

1. Beauty Foods – The Fruits and Veggies That Improve Your Appearance
2. Can Your Spouse Change? 5 Ways to Be More Happily Married
3. 5 Natural Beauty Secrets for Women – Sophia Loren

“Everyone has talent,” says Jong. “What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.”

You can have all the courage in the world, but it’s useless if you don’t know what you want out of your job and life! To enhance your mind-body connection, read Find Your Inner Voice: Using Instinct and Intuition Through the Body-Mind Connection. And, here are seven steps to tuning in to your inner voice…

How to Use Your Instincts to Succeed – Erica Jong

1. Listen to your physical body – pay attention to stomachaches, headaches, etc. Give your body a chance to voice its opinion as you think about your job responsibilities, interactions with clients, communications with coworkers. Pay attention to your physical energy every time you make a decision at work. Do you feel calm or excited or lethargic? Listening and responding to the cues your body is sending doesn’t just improve your mind-body connection, it can help you solve work problems.

2. Consider your personality traits. Succeeding at work involves factoring in your personality and preferences. Do you like to work on your own thing, or do you thrive in a group of colleagues? Do you operate best in the morning, afternoon or evening? You’re more likely to be successful at work (and enjoy your success!) if you work with your natural style and rhythms — not against them. Use your instincts by writing down the top five characteristics of your ideal job. Don’t think; just write.

3. Be realistic about your current life and work goals . Do your plans to succeed at work jive with your home situation and lifestyle? For instance, if you need to take care of young children or elderly parents, then you might not be able to put a full-time effort into starting a new business. Are you relocating, changing jobs, going back to school, or dealing with a health issue? Listen to your gut instincts: you may not be up for a particular task or career move just yet. But, don’t give up hope. Just thinking about your future success can help you succeed.

4. Take career risks, and acknowledge your efforts. To succeed at work, you need to take risks and reward yourself no matter what the outcome. A career risk can be as little as speaking up at meetings or as big as applying for a new leadership position in your company. Maybe work success means solving problems with coworkers or learning to read nonverbal signals from your boss. What do you want out of your career — and what are your instincts telling you? Learn to take risks by taking risks…because as Erica Jong says, “If you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.”

5. Evaluate what works for you. If you keep track of what is already working for you at work, then you’ll be more likely to handle difficult coworkers or challenging assignments. If your instincts are whispering about fear, self-doubt, or uncertainty, then take action. For instance, you may need to take smaller steps, resolve fears by talking to your boss or colleagues, or get admininstrative or managerial support.

6. Adjust what doesn’t work. If your instincts are telling you that you can’t complete a certain task or achieve a particular goal at work, then adjust your course. This is another way for your mind-body connection to jump in: listen to your inner voice tell you what’s not working, and then ask it to help you find what will work. Remember that all your experience and effort still counts…and you’re just tweaking your action plan!

Using your instincts at work is about empowerment!  ”Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame,” says Erica Jong.

If you have any questions or thoughts on using your instincts to succeed at work, please comment below…

Related posts:

1. Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong
2. Increase Your Creativity and Fire Up the Muse – Erica Jong
3. Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong

“People cannot change their basic essence even if they try, and it is futile to demand that they do so,” says Andrew Christensen, a UCLA professor of psychology and author of Reconcilable Differences. “To love and marry someone, you must accept the essence of the other person; you must accept who he or she is. You can push for change at the periphery but not at the core. Marriage is a package deal. You don’t get a line-item veto over your partner’s personality, where you can discard the traits you don’t like.”

This psychologist wrote a practical guide for married couples – Reconcilable Differences – about conflict resolution and the desire to change a spouse’s personality, habits, and lifestyle. Here is some of his relationship advice…

Can Your Spouse Change? 5 Ways to Be More Happily Married

Married people are unlikely to change fundamental aspects of their personalities or beliefs, no matter how much their spouse demands it. But that doesn’t mean they can’t build a better relationship!

To keep the love alive in your marriage…

1. Recognize that conflict is part of being married. If you have no conflict in your marriage, then one or both of you aren’t being authentic! Somewhere along the way, your personal identity has been lost in your relationship. Being happily married isn’t about eliminating conflict, it’s about learning how to recover from arguments more quickly, reducing the number of disagreements that turn into full-blown fights, and minimizing the anger and resentment that often accompanies arguments.

2. Remember the sting of small slights. “The crimes of the heart are usually misdemeanors, even though they sometimes feel like felonies,” Christensen says. Couples fight about all kinds of things, but most the common are the “daily slights, inattentive acts and routine disrespects that hurt and anger us.” For example, a husband may show little interest when his wife talks about her day. Or, he may not feel like he’s getting enough affection from his wife. Those are the things that tear at the fabric of marriage.

3. Encourage and be grateful for small changes. Has your husband changed for the better over the years – even in little ways? Focus on the positive changes, and keep encouraging him. Positive reinforcement is a healthy marriage habit that can lead to huge changes! “Most of the change we seek in our relationships is gradual change in everyday behavior,” Christensen said. “Do more of the housework, spend more time with the kids, don’t be so critical, pay more attention when I talk to you, be more ambitious at work, put more energy into our relationship.” If your spouse is making the effort to change in small ways, don’t belittle him.

4. Remember that there are three sides to every story.  Many married couples address conflict with “toxic cures,” including accusation, blame, coercion, defensiveness, avoidance and denial, writes Christensen in Reconcilable Differences. As a result, “we end up hurt, angry, defensive and frustrated — and our conflicts perpetuate themselves.” One of the best ways to resolve a marital conflict is to remember that there are often three sides to every story: yours, his and an outsider’s. To be more happily married, remember that spouses live their own truths, no matter how much they love their partner.

5. Seek couples counseling if your marriage is in trouble. “We know from many studies that marriage therapy can be beneficial to couples, although it certainly does not help all couples,” says Christiansen. “We also know distressed couples tend not to get better on their own.” Marriage problems don’t just go away by themselves. For couples therapy to work, both spouses have to be strongly committed to saving the marriage, and both need to be willing to do their share to work at the relationship and not just blame the other person.

“It takes only one person to end a marriage but two people to make it work,” says Christensen.

If you have any thoughts or questions on changing your spouse or being more happily married, please comment below…

Source: University of California – Los Angeles (2010, April 20). “Therapy can help even very distressed married couples, largest study finds.” ScienceDaily.

Related posts:

1. Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Appearance – 5 Truths About Beauty
2. 5 Ways to Survive a Cheating Spouse – Elin Nordegren
3. Habits of a Healthy Marriage – Quips and Tips

“I used to be The Wife,” said Shirley Valentine. “I used to be The Mother. But now I’m Shirley Valentine again. Would you like to join me for a drink?”

This woman – who was living an “unused life” – lost her self-identity and the pizzazz of her youth. The young Shirley Valentine had personality and attitude, but she drowned in her marriage and kids. Her daughter and husband took her for granted and treated her like a servant…but she let them. Somewhere along the way Shirley Valentine taught her family how to mistreat her.

Valentine eventually found her way home to herself, and what a journey it was! If you haven’t seen Shirley Valentine, you must rent the DVD or borrow it from the library – it’s a great example of how to “See Jane Soar.” And if you feel like you’ve lost yourself, here are Susan Liddy’s tips for reconnecting with who you were….

Finding Strength and Wisdom in Your Past

“You are a gifted and empowered woman,” says Liddy, who created a free Passages to Empowerment video series. “You have a brilliant mind, a beautiful heart, and a spiritual and deep soul.”

And all those “younger you’s” who live inside you – who were rebellious, naive, feisty, curious, artistic (like Shirley Valentine!) – can serve you now! Embrace and love them, listen to them, feel them, and understand them. Follow your heart, and make choices based on who you are (and were!), what fulfills you and what brings meaning to your life.

4 Ways to Reconnect With Who You Were

1. Play with different careers. Be aware of the moments that feel passionate and purposeful. Find out what you were meant to do… maybe it’s even a number of different things or a career change. Approach your job with the same, open-minded inquisitiveness you had when you were fresh out of school.

2. Open your heart to romance. Let yourself love and be loved… even if only for a fleeting moment. Invite someone to go beyond that protective exterior, to meet the youthful spirit living inside, who yearns for affection, adventure, companionship and passion!

3. Explore new friendships; rekindle old ones. Give all of yourself, should that be your wish. Step out of your circle and welcome relationships with different kinds of people. Allow yourself to learn something from a new friend. And take the risk to love and find out how lovable you are!

4. Take up an old forgotten pastime. Or, take the time to master a few new tricks! Write, paint, dance, kickbox, run, read, create. Volunteer. Do something because a friend invited you and you’ve always wanted to try. Or, do something that no one is doing… just because it’s what you want to do.

Acknowledge and love yourself every step of the way.

Have you lost yourself – and do you want to reconnect with who you are? I welcome your thoughts and comments below…

 Susan Liddy is the founder and CEO of AspireLifeCoaching.org, a life coaching company on a mission to empower women globally. Susan is the author of the “Secrets to Ultimate Living; What you wish you knew when you were 20!”

Related posts:

1. 5 Ways to Get the Most Out of Your Life – Ayaan Hirsi Ali
2. 6 Ways to Create a Vision Board That Works – Martha Beck
3. 10 Ways to Build Self-Confidence – Queen Latifah

“Burnout is a condition caused by unbalance: too much work or responsibility, too little time to do it,” writes Ban Breathnach in Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort of Joy (one of my favorite books!). “Often we think that burnout is something that happens to other women – workaholics and perfectionists. But care-aholics are also at risk…”

If you’re a caregiver of an ill or elderly parent or loved one, you might find Always on Call: When Illness Turns Families into Caregivers both informative and inspirational. And, here’s some basic information on the cost of care providers…

How Much Will a Paid Caregiver for My Aging Parents Cost?

“My husband was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at age 44 and died at home peacefully at 57,” says Lynn Longmuir, Certified Reflexologist and author of Peace of Mind: Care for the Caregiver. “He needed care 24/7 for the last three years of his life. I was his primary caregiver around the clock – I was his age and, luckily, in good health physically and mentally. But looking back, I realize the emotional toll it took. Was it worth it? Yes. I would do it again in a minute if I had to.”

Longmuir says she’s fortunate because she worked from home and was able to juggle her schedule to care for her husband herself. Plus, her friends helped out.

In contrast, Betty Garrett needed to hire a caregiver or care provider when her husband’s health deteriorated. “He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in 2003 and lost his courageous battle a year later,” says this author of From Hiccups to Hospice: A Survival Guide for the Cancer Caregiver. “I lacked the expertise to handle his medical needs.” Garrett founded Caregivers 4 Cancer after her husband died.

If you think you’re burning out as a caregiver but aren’t sure, you might find 5 Signs of Caregiver Burnout – Barbra Streisand helpful.

The Cost of a Paid Caregiver or Care Provider

Different levels of support have different pricetags. “Simple companionship includes activities such as sitting with, talking, going to the park or museum, and sharing lunch,” says Brenda Avadian, founder of The Caregivers Voice. “This can run as low $10-$12 an hour plus expenses, and may be arranged informally with friends.” Avadian says higher levels of care, such as regular bathing and administration of medication, can cost double that or more. For information on hiring a paid caregiver, read Move Over Hired Help is Here.

The annual cost ranges widely. Wendy Johnstone, an Eldercare Planner with the Caregivers Association of BC says caregiving costs can range from $5,000 to $50,000 per year. “The Investors Group recently surveyed 500 Canadians between the ages of 43 and 63, and found that 40% of all caregivers paid an average of $6,000 per year for caregiving help,” she says. “Additionally, a recent study by BMO Financial Group found that only 7% of Boomers asked for advice on budgeting for their aging parents’ care.”

We have a caregiving crisis, she says, and it’s not on the radar screen. “It’s simmering on the back burner, when it should be on the front burner setting off the smoke alarm.”

To prepare for caregiving costs, make sure you’re taking charge of your money as soon as possible – before a financial crisis hits your home.

Tax Credits and Help for Caregiving Costs

Canadian tax credits. Johnstone lists the tax credits that may be used by caregivers: the Caregiver Tax Credit, the Disability Tax Credit, the Eligible Dependent Tax Credit, and the Medical Expenses Tax Credit. Collectively, these tax credits can amount to as much as $10,000 (though few caregivers are eligible for the full amount). She recommends talking to an accountant about possible tax deductions.

Employment Insurance Compassionate Care Benefits. These benefits are available to employed family members caring for a gravely ill relative at risk of dying within 26 weeks. “These benefits are offered through Human Resources and Social Development Canada (HRSDC),” says Johnstone. “If you are currently working full-time with employee benefits, talk to your Human Resources Department. You may be entitled to benefits that help you find the right services.” For more information, visit Employment Insurance Compassionate Care.

Veteran Affairs Canada (VAC). This service offers a diverse set of programs and services to veterans and other eligible clients. Aids to Daily Living is a program that assists clients with the purchase of prosthetic and orthotic devices, walkers, canes, wheelchairs, etc. Go to Veterans Affairs Canada to learn more.

“Financial help for care costs vary widely from province to province,” says Alex Handyside, a Certified Senior Advisor and the owner of ScotiaCare Homecare & Caregivers Inc. “For instance, Nova Scotia recently introduced a $400 per month allowance to qualified family caregivers who provide more than 20 hours per week of care to a qualified low-income care recipient.”

Johnstone adds that – unlike having a baby or preparing for a marathon – caregiving often happens with no warning, leaving families unprepared financially, physically, or emotionally.

If you have any thoughts or questions on caregiving – or the cost of care providers – please comment below…

Related posts:

1. 5 Signs of Caregiver Burnout – Barbra Streisand
2. 6 Ways to Increase Weight Loss Motivation – Martha Beck
3. 5 Money Saving Hints for Women – Marianne Williamson

“Luck has nothing to do with [my success], because I have spent many, many hours, countless hours, on the court working for my one moment in time, not knowing when it would come,” said tennis champion Serena Williams.

That’s the “10,000 hours of practice for successful people” rule, which Malcolm Gladwell describes in Outliers: The Story of Success. But, before you can practice anything for 10,000 hours, you first need to figure out if your goals are worth pursuing! Here, a psychologist and two life coaches (all published authors!) describe why giving up on unhealthy goals is an important part of creating a successful life plan.

Evaluating Your Personal or Professional Goals

Persistence and pursuing goals is admirable – especially when you think of female entrepreneurs who start their own successful businesses and somehow beat all odds to succeed. Yet, research shows that dogged determination can lead to depression, helplessness, and a weakened immune system.

Dana S. Dunn, Professor of Social Psychology at the Moravian College in Pennsylvania and author of Research Methods for Social Psychology, says that remarkable accomplishments do happen, but they’re not the norm.

“We tend to overgeneralize from a handful of instances in which people do amazing things,” says Dunn. “The danger of looking at people who succeeded against all odds is that we don’t know how they got there. We don’t necessarily know the steps they took, their background, or the support they had.”

The notions of persistence and accomplishment are embedded in many of our communities, workplaces, and families. “We’re socialized that we must always succeed, but we don’t always recognize that we’re limited by resources such as time, circumstance, and ability,” says Dunn. “Motivation isn’t the problem. Our own infrastructure can hold us back. We don’t always have the right education, technical expertise, or resources.”

Recognizing our limitations is key to achieving our goals and creating a successful life plan.

How to Recognize Unhealthy Goals

“It may be time to re-evaluate your goals when you’ve lost your joy or you’re not making as much of an effort,” says life coach Susan Wilson, author of Goal Setting: How to Create an Action Plan and Achieve Your Goals. “If you dread the thought of the goal, you’ve lost your creativity, or you resent the time and energy it takes, then you might consider a different approach. Difficult goals are challenging, but the obstacles will be balanced by the joy of pushing through and seeing benefits. If the negative parts of the goal overshadow the positives, then that goal may not be right for you.”

Impossible or unachievable goals don’t honor who we are, adds Sandra Taylor, author of Secrets of Success: The Science and Spirit of Real Prosperity. If our goals aren’t in line with our beliefs, values, personality, and future plans, the outcomes of the goal will be negative. “Look for red flags such as anxiety or objective feedback from others that your goal isn’t realistic,” she says. “Watch for the feeling that the goal and the process don’t resonate with who you are. If you’re participating in activities for their own sake – not just with the goal in mind – then you know it’s a valuable goal.”

3 Tips for Creating a Successful Life Plan for Women – Serena Williams

1. Set goals that represent who you are. “I was just tired of losing,” says Serena Williams. “Life was passing me by.” She is incredibly successful at playing tennis because she got tired of feeling left behind. Williams chose a life goal that she was passionate about, that represented who she was. And, she not only won…she’s also happy and fulfilled. To create a successful life plan, you need to figure out who you really are as a woman.

2. Set your intentions and focus on what you want to achieve. “If you can keep playing tennis when somebody is shooting a gun down the street, that’s concentration,” says Williams. What – or who – distracts you from achieving your personal and professional goals? Find a way to deal with that obstacle…even if it’s as disruptive as a shooting down the street!

3. Let go of the past. “I decided I can’t pay a person to rewind time, so I may as well get over it,” says Serena Williams. Don’t let your past mistakes, shame, or regret stop you from creating a successful life plan! Figure out how to let go of past negativity and free yourself to set your intentions and achieve your goals. Get over it…the past is behind you.

Have you set a life plan — or intentions for your life – and are you pursuing unhealthy or healthy personal or professional goals? I welcome your thoughts or questions below… 

Related posts:

1. Secrets of Successful Women – 6 Life Lessons From Maria Shriver
2. 10 Habits of Highly Successful Women
3. How to Know if Your Goals Are Good for You – Anna Quindlen