“People cannot change their basic essence even if they try, and it is futile to demand that they do so,” says Andrew Christensen, a UCLA professor of psychology and author of Reconcilable Differences. “To love and marry someone, you must accept the essence of the other person; you must accept who he or she is. You can push for change at the periphery but not at the core. Marriage is a package deal. You don’t get a line-item veto over your partner’s personality, where you can discard the traits you don’t like.”

This psychologist wrote a practical guide for married couples – Reconcilable Differences – about conflict resolution and the desire to change a spouse’s personality, habits, and lifestyle. Here is some of his relationship advice…

Can Your Spouse Change? 5 Ways to Be More Happily Married

Married people are unlikely to change fundamental aspects of their personalities or beliefs, no matter how much their spouse demands it. But that doesn’t mean they can’t build a better relationship!

To keep the love alive in your marriage…

1. Recognize that conflict is part of being married. If you have no conflict in your marriage, then one or both of you aren’t being authentic! Somewhere along the way, your personal identity has been lost in your relationship. Being happily married isn’t about eliminating conflict, it’s about learning how to recover from arguments more quickly, reducing the number of disagreements that turn into full-blown fights, and minimizing the anger and resentment that often accompanies arguments.

2. Remember the sting of small slights. “The crimes of the heart are usually misdemeanors, even though they sometimes feel like felonies,” Christensen says. Couples fight about all kinds of things, but most the common are the “daily slights, inattentive acts and routine disrespects that hurt and anger us.” For example, a husband may show little interest when his wife talks about her day. Or, he may not feel like he’s getting enough affection from his wife. Those are the things that tear at the fabric of marriage.

3. Encourage and be grateful for small changes. Has your husband changed for the better over the years – even in little ways? Focus on the positive changes, and keep encouraging him. Positive reinforcement is a healthy marriage habit that can lead to huge changes! “Most of the change we seek in our relationships is gradual change in everyday behavior,” Christensen said. “Do more of the housework, spend more time with the kids, don’t be so critical, pay more attention when I talk to you, be more ambitious at work, put more energy into our relationship.” If your spouse is making the effort to change in small ways, don’t belittle him.

4. Remember that there are three sides to every story.  Many married couples address conflict with “toxic cures,” including accusation, blame, coercion, defensiveness, avoidance and denial, writes Christensen in Reconcilable Differences. As a result, “we end up hurt, angry, defensive and frustrated — and our conflicts perpetuate themselves.” One of the best ways to resolve a marital conflict is to remember that there are often three sides to every story: yours, his and an outsider’s. To be more happily married, remember that spouses live their own truths, no matter how much they love their partner.

5. Seek couples counseling if your marriage is in trouble. “We know from many studies that marriage therapy can be beneficial to couples, although it certainly does not help all couples,” says Christiansen. “We also know distressed couples tend not to get better on their own.” Marriage problems don’t just go away by themselves. For couples therapy to work, both spouses have to be strongly committed to saving the marriage, and both need to be willing to do their share to work at the relationship and not just blame the other person.

“It takes only one person to end a marriage but two people to make it work,” says Christensen.

If you have any thoughts or questions on changing your spouse or being more happily married, please comment below…

Source: University of California – Los Angeles (2010, April 20). “Therapy can help even very distressed married couples, largest study finds.” ScienceDaily.

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“Foods that keep our livers cleansed of toxins, heavy metals, and fats make our whole body function more efficiently,” says Dr Julia Hunter of Skin Fitness Plus in Beverly Hills. “This makes us happier, which affects how we look. Plus, a healthy liver brightens our eyes and tightens our skin.”

Did you know that facial exercises can be as effective as eating beauty foods? I can’t guarantee that you’ll improve your natural beauty – but you’ll have fun with Carole Maggio’ facial fitness tips! Click Facercise: The Dynamic Muscle-Toning Program for Renewed Vitality and a More Youthful Appearance for more info, and read on to learn how certain foods affect a woman’s looks…

5 Types of Beauty Foods – Fruits and Veggies That Improve Your Appearance

Remember — the best way to increase your natural beauty is to focus on becoming a strong, self-confident, successful woman! But what you eat does matter…

1. Blood oranges, cherries, and blueberries decrease the effects of aging. Collagen is a natural protein in your skin and muscles that provides resiliency, shape, and texture. Collage is a great way to increase your natural beauty (which is why people get collagen injections). Unfortunately, collagen decreases with age – but you don’t need injections to get your daily dose of collagen! “Blood oranges, cherries, and blueberries are full of antioxidants, which decrease aging and disease by lowering inflammation. Antioxidants also increase collagen production and thicken the skin, making you look younger and healthier,” says Dr Julia Hunter. “Antioxidants also decrease abnormal blood vessels or rosacea.” Blackberries, raspberries, plums, pomegranate, cranberries, Asian dragon fruit, and kiwis also contain antioxidants.  

2. Dandelion, turnip, and mustard greens keep your body functioning smoothly. Dr Hunter says dense green foods are “beauty foods” because they keep our livers cleansed of toxins, heavy metals, and fats, which make our whole body function more efficiently. Eat lots of broccoli, spinach, arugula – as well as turnip, mustard, and dandelion greens. Hunter warns: “Simple and refined sugars, high glycemic carbohydrates, and refined, manufactured foods age us. They make our proteins “crunchy” instead of fluid, and cause disease – which makes us look even older. By the way, fruits and veggies can help you better cope with a chronic illness.

3. Crunchy vegetables keep your teeth white and bright! Fresh raw veggies are as good for your grin as they are for your skin! Celery, carrots, string beans, and cauliflower aren’t just good ways to lose weight naturally. These beauty foods contain cellulose, which helps scrub stains from your teeth – giving you a whiter, brighter smile. “Both the cellulose and the fiber in these foods act as abrasives that clean and remove bacteria from teeth,” says Dr Mickey Bernstein, president of the American Academy of Cosmetic Dentistry. Crunchy veggies are especially effective for recent discolorations. If you’ve just consumed blueberries, coffee, mustard, red wine or cranberry juice, follow it up with fresh cucumber slices or an apple.

4. Sea vegetables reduce wrinkles and nourish skin cells. “Polluted cells can’t function at their optimum level. When our cells are functioning optimally, not only do we have more energy – we look and feel great,” says nutritionist Carol Wasserman. “Sea vegetables are one of our richest sources of minerals and phytochemicals.” These veggies help detoxify, rebuild, and nourish all the cells in our body. Unhealthy foods, stress, and environmental pollutants cause cells to age prematurely, leading to thinning hair and premature wrinkles. “Sea vegetables reverse this process,” says Wasserman. “For example, spiriluna is a ‘detox powerhouse.’ Hijiki, kelp, arame, wakame, and dulse also work wonders.” Who knew that there were foods for beauty in the sea?

5. Wild salmon with avocado and mango dressing improves facial muscle tone. This is more than a delicious meal – it’s a feast for natural beauty! Dr Stephen Sinatra, of the University of Connecticut School of Medicine, says, “Wild Alaskan salmon has precious Omega-3 essential fatty acids, which enhance blood flow. The pink/orange color of wild salmon is an anti-aging carotenoid called astaxanthin that protects cell membranes.” Salmon also contains dimethylaminoethanol (DMAE), which improves facial muscle tone and reduces wrinkles. Add avocado for its antioxidant properties and mango for vitamin E anti-inflammatory beta-cryptoxanthin carotenoids – and you’ll be sitting pretty after dinner!

I welcome your questions and comments on foods that improve your appearance below…

This post is an excerpt from an article I wrote for MSN Health. To read the full article, go to 10 Foods That May Improve Your Appearance.

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“The trick is not how much pain you feel – but how much joy you feel,” says Jong. “Any idiot can feel pain. Life is full of excuses to feel pain, excuses not to live, excuses, excuses, excuses.”

Shame and guilt are great excuses for denying yourself happiness and a full life! If you’re paralyzed with regrets about your past, I encourage you to find ways to move forward. Click on Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw for help, and read on for advice and research about overcoming shame and guilt…

Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong

Moving beyond the painful, paralyzing emotions of shame and guilt is not easy – but there is hope, my friends, for making mistakes and moving on! University of Alberta researcher Jessica Van Vliet studied these emotions and found specific things that help with overcoming shame and guilt.

First: realize that shame and guilt can improve your life. “Shame can prompt us to make changes that will help protect our relationships and also preserve the fabric of society. It’s important to emphasize that shame is essential and has value,” said Van Vliet. “The problem is when people get paralyzed with shame and withdraw from others. Not only can this create mental health problems for people, but also they no longer contribute as fully to society.”

How shame and guilt damages your health and well-being. Women who feel debilitated by shame tend to internalize and over-personalize the situation. They also seem resigned to being unable to change their feelings or their fate – and don’t allow themselves to believe that overcoming shame and guilt is possible. They don’t let themselves overcome failure and bounce back.

“When people experience shame, they may say to themselves ‘I’m to blame, it’s all my fault, all of me is bad, and there’s nothing I can do to change the situation,’” said Van Vliet. “They identify so much with shame that it takes over their entire view of themselves. That leads to an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness.”

Overcoming shame and guilt involves going to the dark place. Erica Jong says, “Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.” I think the “dark place” can be found in many situations and is different for all women. When it comes to talent, the dark place can be feeling selfish, or forcing self-discipline to stay motivated to pursue your dreams. When it comes to shame and guilt, the dark place can be sitting with and accepting those terrible feelings.

Step back from the problem. A key to overcoming shame and guilt involves view your problem in a different, objective light. It helps to identify external factors that contributed to your actions or situation (discrimination or peer pressure, for example) and differentiate between being a bad person versus doing something bad.

“When people move from a sense of uncontrollability to the belief that maybe there’s something they can do about their situation, such as apologizing or making amends for their actions, it starts increasing a sense of hope for the future,” says Van Vliet.

Connect with friends, family, a higher power, or humanity as a whole. “Connecting to others helps to increase self-acceptance, and with self-acceptance can come a greater acceptance of other people as well,” says Van Vliet. “People start to realize that it’s not just them. Other people do things that are as bad or even worse sometimes so they’re not the worst person on the planet. They start to say to themselves, ‘This is human, I am human, others are human.’”

Do you find the thought of overcoming shame and guilt scary or risky? Remember…“if you don’t risk anything you risk even more,” says Erica Jong.

I welcome your thoughts and questions on overcoming shame and guilt below…and if you found this article helpful, you might be interested in How to Fail and Bounce Back – Rachel Naomi Remen.

Source: University of Alberta (2009, September 9).” Overcoming Shame: Making Connections Is The Key, Says Researcher.” Van Vliet’s study was published in Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, and Practice.

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