“Awakening is about involving yourself fully in the game, in the ebb and flow of your life,” says Dr Robin Smith. “If you have been hibernating, right now may be a good time to emerge from your cave.”

Are you hiding from your authentic self and life by drowning yourself in an ocean of financial debt? If your relationship with money needs an overhaul, read Emotional Spending: How To Break The Addiction. And, here are six ways to deal with financial debt, inspired by Dr Robin Smith…

Are You in Financial Debt for Emotional Reasons? Help From Dr Robin Smith

Lisa Bradley recently appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show, talking about her overwhelming financial debt and inability to live within her means. She thinks she overspends as an adult to compensate for things she didn’t have growing up. “It’s almost like I reverted back to my childhood and decided to buy my Christmas toys, except they’re not Barbie dolls anymore,” she says. “I didn’t get the Barbie car when I was little, but I’m going to drive the Barbie car now.”

Are you driving the “Barbie car”, which you can’t afford to pay for? If so, these tips for dealing with the emotional reasons for your financial debt may help…

1. Learn to control the emotions that lead to spending money. Dr. Robin advised Lisa to stop buying things, face her childhood shame head-on, and gain control of her emotions. “You were out of control from the very beginning,” says Dr. Robin. “[The] child in you – the wounded child that lives in all of us – was driving in the front seat of your adult life. That child needs to be put in the back seat, cared for, nurtured and reminded that there is now an adult who can look out for her.” Sometimes getting control of your emotions is simply about being aware of them. Knowing that you want to shop because you’re depressed or sad may help you build better money habits.

2. Tune in to your “emotional hunger.” If you can’t express your anger, hurt, fear, or pain in healthy ways, then you’ll turn to unhealthy outlets — which doesn’t make you a financially independent woman! Shopping, spending money, eating, binging, gambling, and many addictions are signs of unmet needs. Women who spend money for emotional reasons are often ignoring their emotional hunger — which is why they’re in debt because of “emotional spending”! If not properly expressed, feelings of fear, doubt, insecurity, anxiety, and low self-esteem can lead to a shopping addiction and serious financial debt.

3. Know – and learn how to cope with – your spending “triggers.” Do you succumb to shopping or spending too much money when you’re with a particular person? When you’re fighting with your partner? After dealing with difficult coworkers? Look for connections between the events in your life, your emotional reactions, and your financial debt. Identify the triggers or emotional reasons that send you running to the mall and lead to financial debt. Your triggers may never go away – you’ll always have stress, pain, and discomfort in your life. Since you can’t get rid of hardship or life’s challenges, you need to find healthier ways to cope with your feelings.

4. Talk to an expert in psychology and financial planning. If you can’t figure out the roots of your emotional spending, talk to a counselor. You’re spending money for a reason — and it’s probably an emotional one. The sooner you figure out what need you’re trying to fill, the sooner you’ll start dealing with your financial debt. For help with the practical side of budgets and spending, read 9 Tips for Taking Control of Your Money.

5. Give yourself time to learn how to express your emotions in healthy ways. Whether you’ve been struggling to overcome a shopping addiction for months or years, remember that it takes to learn healthier ways to deal with stress and your emotions. “Whether it’s food, whether it’s debt, whether it’s alcohol — detoxing sucks,” says Dr Robin. “I know that’s a nonclinical word, but we all know what it means. It does not feel good when one starts to clean up their mess.”

6. Know you’re not alone! Dr. Robin says women who are in financial debt for emotional reasons are not alone – everyone struggling with money problems is “trying to fill a spiritual wound with a cheap surrogate.” “BMW may not sound cheap, but for a child who is aching to feel like she was enough, for a child who was aching to feel the safety and comfort in his own life, a BMW can’t ever touch that wound,” she says. “What becomes more dangerous is the deeper the wound, the more I spend.”

Are you in financial debt for emotional reasons — and is Dr Robin Smith’s advice helpful? I welcome your thoughts below…

Related posts:

1. 5 Money Saving Hints for Women – Marianne Williamson
2. Is This a Risky Financial Investment? Money Tips for Women
3. Financial Independence for Women – Quips and Tips

“Foods that keep our livers cleansed of toxins, heavy metals, and fats make our whole body function more efficiently,” says Dr Julia Hunter of Skin Fitness Plus in Beverly Hills. “This makes us happier, which affects how we look. Plus, a healthy liver brightens our eyes and tightens our skin.”

Did you know that facial exercises can be as effective as eating beauty foods? I can’t guarantee that you’ll improve your natural beauty – but you’ll have fun with Carole Maggio’ facial fitness tips! Click Facercise: The Dynamic Muscle-Toning Program for Renewed Vitality and a More Youthful Appearance for more info, and read on to learn how certain foods affect a woman’s looks…

5 Types of Beauty Foods – Fruits and Veggies That Improve Your Appearance

Remember — the best way to increase your natural beauty is to focus on becoming a strong, self-confident, successful woman! But what you eat does matter…

1. Blood oranges, cherries, and blueberries decrease the effects of aging. Collagen is a natural protein in your skin and muscles that provides resiliency, shape, and texture. Collage is a great way to increase your natural beauty (which is why people get collagen injections). Unfortunately, collagen decreases with age – but you don’t need injections to get your daily dose of collagen! “Blood oranges, cherries, and blueberries are full of antioxidants, which decrease aging and disease by lowering inflammation. Antioxidants also increase collagen production and thicken the skin, making you look younger and healthier,” says Dr Julia Hunter. “Antioxidants also decrease abnormal blood vessels or rosacea.” Blackberries, raspberries, plums, pomegranate, cranberries, Asian dragon fruit, and kiwis also contain antioxidants.  

2. Dandelion, turnip, and mustard greens keep your body functioning smoothly. Dr Hunter says dense green foods are “beauty foods” because they keep our livers cleansed of toxins, heavy metals, and fats, which make our whole body function more efficiently. Eat lots of broccoli, spinach, arugula – as well as turnip, mustard, and dandelion greens. Hunter warns: “Simple and refined sugars, high glycemic carbohydrates, and refined, manufactured foods age us. They make our proteins “crunchy” instead of fluid, and cause disease – which makes us look even older. By the way, fruits and veggies can help you better cope with a chronic illness.

3. Crunchy vegetables keep your teeth white and bright! Fresh raw veggies are as good for your grin as they are for your skin! Celery, carrots, string beans, and cauliflower aren’t just good ways to lose weight naturally. These beauty foods contain cellulose, which helps scrub stains from your teeth – giving you a whiter, brighter smile. “Both the cellulose and the fiber in these foods act as abrasives that clean and remove bacteria from teeth,” says Dr Mickey Bernstein, president of the American Academy of Cosmetic Dentistry. Crunchy veggies are especially effective for recent discolorations. If you’ve just consumed blueberries, coffee, mustard, red wine or cranberry juice, follow it up with fresh cucumber slices or an apple.

4. Sea vegetables reduce wrinkles and nourish skin cells. “Polluted cells can’t function at their optimum level. When our cells are functioning optimally, not only do we have more energy – we look and feel great,” says nutritionist Carol Wasserman. “Sea vegetables are one of our richest sources of minerals and phytochemicals.” These veggies help detoxify, rebuild, and nourish all the cells in our body. Unhealthy foods, stress, and environmental pollutants cause cells to age prematurely, leading to thinning hair and premature wrinkles. “Sea vegetables reverse this process,” says Wasserman. “For example, spiriluna is a ‘detox powerhouse.’ Hijiki, kelp, arame, wakame, and dulse also work wonders.” Who knew that there were foods for beauty in the sea?

5. Wild salmon with avocado and mango dressing improves facial muscle tone. This is more than a delicious meal – it’s a feast for natural beauty! Dr Stephen Sinatra, of the University of Connecticut School of Medicine, says, “Wild Alaskan salmon has precious Omega-3 essential fatty acids, which enhance blood flow. The pink/orange color of wild salmon is an anti-aging carotenoid called astaxanthin that protects cell membranes.” Salmon also contains dimethylaminoethanol (DMAE), which improves facial muscle tone and reduces wrinkles. Add avocado for its antioxidant properties and mango for vitamin E anti-inflammatory beta-cryptoxanthin carotenoids – and you’ll be sitting pretty after dinner!

I welcome your questions and comments on foods that improve your appearance below…

This post is an excerpt from an article I wrote for MSN Health. To read the full article, go to 10 Foods That May Improve Your Appearance.

Related posts:

1. Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Appearance – 5 Truths About Beauty
2. 5 Natural Beauty Secrets for Women – Sophia Loren

“This is all you have,” says Dr Laura Schlessinger. “This is not a dry run. This is your life. If you want to fritter it away with your fears, then you will fritter it away, but you won’t get it back later.”

Same with frittering away your energy and time with inappropriate or misplaced guilt! If you’re having trouble getting over or initiating a relationship breakup – or you’re just plain confused – click on Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away. And, read on for my suggestions on how to stop feeling guilty because you broke up with someone who wasn’t right for you…

How to Stop Feeling Guilty Over a Relationship Breakup

Identify appropriate guilt. You should feel guilty if you did something wrong, such as using your boyfriend for his money or professional contacts and then breaking up with him. “Real” guilt is an appropriate and healthy response for wrongdoing. If you weren’t your best self in your relationship, then you need to make amends. This doesn’t necessarily mean getting back together with your boyfriend, but it could mean apologizing for your wrongdoing. Maybe you didn’t make the best choices in your relationship with your boyfriend; even so, you need to forgive yourself and move on.

Identify inappropriate guilt. Do you feel guilty because your ex-boyfriend is manipulating your emotions with apologies, pleas, or promises for the future? Do you feel guilty because your parents or friends wish you were back together with your boyfriend? To stop feeling guilty, figure out if your feelings are appropriate or inappropriate – and read Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong.

Remember what you did right in your relationship. To stop feeling guilty, focus on the things you did well! Remind yourself of the times you were loving, attentive, generous, kind, and compassionate in your relationship. Even if you did initiate the breakup, you didn’t ruin the relationship. It was already ruined…you just decided to clean up your life.

Remember that the relationship breakup happened for a reason. You had your reasons for breaking up with your ex-boyfriend. Even if your friends, family, coworkers, or ex-boyfriend don’t understand those reasons doesn’t mean the breakup less valid. To stop feeling guilty, you need to trust yourself that you made the right decision. Listen to your gut. There was a reason you had to let go of him, and that reason probably won’t change. If you need help letting go of other people’s expectations, read Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations – Maria Shriver.

Figure out who is making you feel guilty about the breakup – and why. Does your best friend wish you and your ex-boyfriend stayed together because she has a crush on his brother or best friend? Is your mother crushed that you broke up with him because she wants you to get married? Is your boyfriend making you feel guilty because you made his life sweet and easy, he walked all over you, and he misses you underneath him? To stop feeling guilty about the breakup, figure out if someone is burdening you with inappropriate guilty, and either stand up to or stay away from that person.

Here’s another inspirational quotation from Dr Laura Schlessinger:

“When you dare to dream, dare to follow that dream, dare to suffer through the pain, sacrifice, self-doubts, and friction from the world, you will genuinely impress yourself.”

And impressing yourself is more important than impressing all the ex-boyfriends, parents, friends and coworkers in the world!

If you have any thoughts or questions about stopping guilty feelings because you broke up with someone, please comment below…

Related posts:

1. How to Stop Feeling Depressed About a Relationship Breakup – Rita Rudner
2. Surviving Online Affairs – A Quips and Tips Article
3. Overcoming an Unexpected Relationship Breakup – Eleanor Roosevelt

Here’s what Steve said on my Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair article on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals. He had an internet affair and wants to know how to save his marriage:

“I love my wife and kids so much. I would normally say I’m a great husband and father. I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I want to be with my wife and kids. Do I have a chance of saving my marriage and life? After reading about emotional affairs and doing some soul searching I realize I have emotionally cheated and betrayed my wife. I broke her trust. How do I save our marriage?”

Below are a few suggestions for overcoming online relationships that can destroy marriages, plus advice on how to survive an internet affair from a woman who is trying to save her own marriage. She read and recommends the book Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli — click on the cover for information.

Online Relationships – How to Survive an Internet Affair

If you’ve had an online relationship or internet affair, here are some ways to rebuild your marriage…

Figure out what your partner needs, and give it to her! Does she want couples counseling? Does she want full access to work email? Does she want you to go into individual counseling? Does she need a weekend alone to think about it? Does she want a divorce or separation? Whatever she needs, do your best to meet her needs. And remember — it takes time to rebuild trust. After some time passes, she probably won’t need to keep checking up or need continual reassurance that you’re genuinely sorry and love her above everyone else.

Go into marriage counseling of your own accord. Women are often very impressed by men who are willing to delve into their emotions and feelings without being forced into it. Plus, you’ll benefit emotionally and mentally from figuring out why you had the internet affair.

Find resources about surviving online relationships to show your wife that you’re serious about saving your marriage. Read books about surviving internet affairs, or find out if there are any weekend retreats or support groups for couples. I’m not suggesting you do this just for show — do it for real!

And, here’s advice from a reader – her husband had an online relationship for years a younger woman.

“I discovered the affair by accident, and it pulled the rug out from underneath me. I was in shock for about two weeks, angry and depressed. I found it hard to concentrate on anything. If you are lucky enough to have therapy through your insurance at work, I highly advise talking to a marriage counselor.”

Figure out why the internet relationship happened. There was a payoff for your behavior and you need to know exactly what it was. Find ways to get your needs met from your wife. Unless your marriage is over, she needs to decide that your relationship is worth saving and to learn to trust you again.

Remember that your partner feels terrible. “She is blaming herself and feeling bad about herself,” says my reader. “She is wondering who this other woman is, if she is prettier, smarter, or more loving. She’s kicking herself.”

After an online affair, the best thing you can do is to come clean, apologize, tell her that you are there for her, get counseling, hold her when she cries, hold her when she throws things at you, and be patient. It can take a LONG time for her to feel better about herself and marriage, and to trust you. And maybe even learn to love you again. Healing is not going to happen overnight.

Healing takes time and understanding. For advice from a marriage counselor, click The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It by M. Gary Neuman — he’s currently working on a book about why women are unfaithful.

If you have any thoughts or questions about online relationships and surviving internet affairs, please comment below…

Related posts:

1. Women Considering Divorce – A Quips and Tips Article
2. Finding a Good Boyfriend – a Quips and Tips Article
3. Stop Feeling Guilty Over a Relationship Breakup – Quips and Tips

“The willingness to win OR lose moves us out of an adversarial relationship to life and into a powerful kind of openness,” writes Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen in Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal. “From such a position, we can make a greater commitment to life.”

Kitchen Table Wisdom is one of my all-time favorite books because it’s all about accepting — living and feeling – both the bitter and the sweet parts of life. There’s no doubt that life brings rejection, failure, heartache, disappointment, and pain…but it also brings success, healing, joy, fulfillment, love and laughter.

We — to be successful women – have to snuggle up to failure and increase our “bouncebackability” factor!

How to Fail and Bounce Back – Rachel Naomi Remen

Dr Remen is an oncologist who never married or had children. She struggled with Crohn’s Disease for most her life, and when she was in her 20s had surgery to remove most of her intestines. Remen knows failure and heartache…and she teaches people how to bounce back to live full, passionate lives.

“Joy seems to be part of an unconditional wish to live, not holding back because life may not meet our preferences and expectations,” writes Remen. “Joy seems to be a function of the willingness to accept the whole, and to show up to meet with whatever there is.”

To bounce back from failure,  let go of your attachment to a specific outcome. Work towards your goal of healing, achieving, or being — but be open to other paths! You’ll be surprised at how many roads to and forms of success exist. For instance, one of the magazines I often wrote for last year has suddenly collapsed…and poof! Just like that, one stream of income burbles down the drain. And, my agent recently reported that his top publishers for my See Jane Soar book have more or less all rejected my proposal. Sigh.

“Rather than the warrior who fights toward a specific outcome and therefore is haunted by the specter of failure and disappointment, it is the lover drunk with the opportunity to love despite the possibility of loss, the player for whom playing is more important that winning or losing,” writes Remen.

To bounce back from failure, trust your gut. For instance, at a party last week I was fascinated by a businesswoman. When she went to refresh her drink, I followed. Five minutes later, I discovered that her health company was looking for a freelance writer to interview doctors and write articles — and I’m a freelance writer who specializes in health articles! We exchanged cards. She’s not a publisher or the editor of a national magazine, but she’s a successful businesswoman – and together, we could achieve goals that we didn’t even know were possible.

To bounce back from failure, don’t fight with your life. Dance with it. To be a successful woman — and better yet, to enjoy your life — practice trusting your gut and following up on events or with people. Be curious about life and people, not stuck on the way things “should” be. Be open to taking new paths, not focused on what “should” happen.

Have you failed and bounced back? Do you let fear of failure (or success) paralyze you? In my writing career, I’ve received dozens of rejections from magazine editors, book publishers, and literary agents…and each rejection matters less.

Don’t be afraid to take a few knocks, my friends. They’ll make you stronger!

Related posts:

1. Turning Failure to Success for Female Entrepreneurs – Maya Angelou
2. 5 Ways to Learn From Your Mistakes – Ella Fitzgerald
3. Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong

“Men were designed for short, nasty, brutal lives,” said Ramey. “Women are designed for long, miserable ones.”

She was kidding, of course…wasn’t she? Women do live longer, and maybe we are more miserable. We’re certainly subject to the whims of PMS and perimenopause, and fits of jealousy and insecurity. We hold grudges and compare ourselves to other women (both successful and not). Are we miserable? More importantly: are YOU miserable?

Here are few facts about the late, great Dr Estelle Ramey, with a special emphasis on her wittiness, sense of humor, and ability to lighten heavy topics. Plus, how lightening up makes you more productive and effective! And, if you’re serious about lightening up, click on Simple Happiness: 52 Easy Ways to Lighten Up by James Ryan.

How to Lighten Up and Get More Done – Dr Estelle Ramey

My sister always told me, “Lighten up – don’t take everything so seriously!” The older I get, the more I agree with her. This life lesson of lightening up and getting more done is important because I’ve spent far too much time being grim. Life’s too short to be mad or bitter! Or jealousy — read Making Envy Work for You – Helen Gurley Brown.

Dr Estelle Ramey earned her master’s degree in chemistry at Columbia University in 1940 and a doctorate in physiology at the University of Chicago in 1950. Ramey was a teacher, speaker, researcher, and writer. One of the founders and the second president of the American Women in Science, Ramey wrote an article called “Men’s Cycles – They Have Them Too” for the first issue of Ms. magazine.

Definitely not your typical well-behaved woman!

Lightening Up and Achieving More

There’s nothing less healthy, less attractive, or less appealing than a woman with a grim face and stone cold sober personality. Lightening up reduces stress and draws people to you, which can help you get what you want out of life (if you learn to delegate and accept that people do things differently than you).

Whether you’re aggravated at your boss or disappointed in your partner, “grimming and bearing it” doesn’t help. I’ve gritted my teeth through work meetings, bad situations, and traffic jams – and in hindsight, I wish I would’ve lightened up because I had to experience it anyway.

Irritability or a grim attitude isn’t going to make the situation easier or more tolerable – so we might as well tap into our senses of humor, wit, and cheer. For an immediate laugh, read Funny Quotations and Sayings by Women – Paula Poundstone.

Lightening up helps you get more done by:

• Making others feel more comfortable and relaxed – and more open to cooperating with you.
• Keeping your stress levels low, so you can see new solutions and opportunities.
• Making you appealing to be around, which means you’re less likely to be left shouldering the burden!
• Keeping your thoughts clear and focused, so you can work more quickly and efficiently.
• Making you more memorable to others…in a good way.

Developing a sense of lightness, wit, and humor is a habit that can take you further in your career and personal life!

One last quotation from Dr Ramey:

“Now, I like testosterone. Every home should have some,” she said. “But it becomes damaging as a man gets older. I’m trying to help men live longer, although I’m not sure all of them deserve it.” See how she is honest, light-hearted, and authentic? Now that’s a life lesson from a successful woman: how to be real and assertive.

Do you think women are more serious – grim, even – than men? I do, and I think it’s because we take on more responsibilities and burdens. By the way, Ramey said the female of every species is stronger in terms of stamina, longevity and performance under stress.

To learn more about this woman who wasn’t well-behaved, go to The Washington Post’s Estelle R. Ramey: Used Wit in Women’s Advocacy by Patricia Sullivan.

Related posts:

1. 5 Ways to Recharge Your Batteries – Oprah Winfrey
2. Living Lavishly in Poverty – Wangari Maathai
3. The Definition of a Successful Woman – Eleanor Roosevelt

“When Emily Howard Jennings was born in 1831, girls’ lives followed a set pattern. Some girls secretly dreamed of becoming doctors or lawyers. Others just wished for a good education,” writes Sydell Waxman in Changing the Pattern: The Story of Emily Stowe. “Their dreams remained empty wishes, unlikely to come true. In the Victorian age, every girl’s future was limited to housework and child care.”

Ugh. But Waxman was wrong: not every woman’s life revolved around dirty dishes and drippy noses…It didn’t then, and it doesn’t now! Here are specific steps to getting your college degree, with life lessons and inspiration from Emily Howard Stowe…and, read The Official Student Doctor Network Medical School Admissions Guide by Christian Becker for more detailed info on getting into med school.

4 Steps to Getting Your Medical Degree - Dr Emily Howard Stowe

For extra motivation, read Getting What You Want Out of Life – Angelina Jolie.

1. Find your tribe. Whether it’s your best friend, a few friends at school, or a handful of neighbors – stick with people who motivate, energize, and challenge you. To go back to school and get your college degree, you need to surround yourself with people who help you succeed!

2. Create a master plan. “Break your goal down into smaller parts, so it’s controllable, unthreatening, and attainable,” says Vancouver-based productivity expert Christa Wagner. To get your college degree, forget about the big picture….it can overwhelm you, triggering procrastination and incompletion.

3. Plan for the long haul. Nothing worthwhile happens right away - Dr Emily Howard Stowe didn’t get her medical degree overnight, and you probably won’t be getting your college degree tomorrow! Focus on your long-term goals and reward yourself for small accomplishments.

4. Keep your eye on the ball. “My goals are on my wall, at my desk, and in my planner,” says Wagner. “I check them often and make adjustments. I always know where I’m going.” To get your college degree, stay focused on your work.

To stay focused, read 5 Strategies for Life Success – Alanis Morissette .

Emily Howard Stowe took her goal of earning a medical degree a step further…some say she sacrificed her reputation and family life to pursue her dreams…

Canada’s First Female Principal, 1846 

Emily’s Quaker roots gave her a solid grasp on the handles of equality, independence, and freedom. As the oldest of six girls, Emily embodied the birth order theory that firstborns are natural leaders, driven to achieve. She started teaching school at age 15 and became the principal of a public school in Brantford, Ontario when she was 23 (a huge achievement today, much less 150 years ago!). 

Two years later she married carriage-maker John Stowe, quit her job, and had three children.

Canada’s First Female Doctor, 1867

When John contracted a deathly case of tuberculosis and was moved to a sanitarium, Emily was left to procure the food and pay the bills. She returned to teaching after seven years as a stay-at-home mom – and two years later decided to become a doctor.

Since the Toronto School of Medicine refused to admit females (“Never in my day, Madam,” said the president to Emily), she ended up at the New York Medical College for Women. Emily was forced to leave her children with her sister, Cornelia, for two years while she completed her medical degree in America.

She was 36 when she started her medical practice in Toronto in June, 1867. Five months later she opened a second office in a small town nearby. Emily was eventually allowed to attend certain classes at the Toronto School of Medicine, but she didn’t get a medical license because she didn’t take the professional exams. Some say she refused; it was her way of protesting the behavior of the male students and professors, who piled garbage and filth on her seat, initiated deliberately vulgar classroom discussions, and defaced the walls with anti-female propaganda.

Emily practiced without a medical license for 13 years, without penalty.

If you’re thinking about getting your medical degree and have questions or comments, please fire away below! 

For more info on Emily Howard Stowe, go to the Dictionary of Canadian Biography Online – Dr Emily Howard Stowe.

Related posts:

1. Lighten Up to Get More Done – Dr Estelle Ramey
2. Hiding From Happiness – Dr Laura Schlessinger
3. How to Start a New Career – Suze Orman