“I did not lose myself all at once. I rubbed out my face over the years washing away my pain, the same way carvings on stone are worn down by water.”

How is your life wearing you down?

Again, it’s the book thing for me. I want to be a published author, but have so many doubts, fears, and hesitations. Mostly I don’t want to waste my time writing stuff that’ll never get published, that I’ll never be able to pass around in book form.

Are your relationships wearing you down?

I used to fear that my marriage would change who I am, would wear down my spark, life, and personality. I grew up with a single mom, and no men at all in the vicinity, so I thought men were….not “evil”, but draining and suffocating.

It turns out that marriage can lift you up and bring you to life! My marriage has shown me my greatest weaknesses, and my biggest strengths.

Maybe getting worn down by life depends on us. That is, maybe we have control over how much our lives and relationships will wear us down, and how much they’ll boost us up.

Back to Amy Tan’s words about getting worn down by life:

What pain are you washing away? What is slowly wearing your face, personality, and identity away?

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It’s both depressing and empowering:

“It’s a sad day when you find out that it’s not accident or time or fortune but just yourself that kept things from you.” ~ Lillian Hellman.

I see this in my blogging career – I support myself as a full-time writer and blogger, and went through a financially lean four months with my Quips and Tips blogs. Why? Because while I knew how to blog successfully for money, I didn’t do it. Why didn’t I do what I knew would work? Because I was lazy and rushed.

The other day, I told Bruce (hubby) that I’m not a six figure blogger because I get in my own way.

And that’s why I’m posting Lillian Hellman’s quotation today…I’m tired of being the obstacle that keeps what I want from myself!

What about you…are you in your own way?

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“Dreaming, not expecting, allows Spirit to step in and surprise you with connection, completion, consummation, celebration. You dream. Show up for work. Then let Spirit deliver your dream to the world.”

The best way to make your dreams come true is to write them down. You don’t necessarily need to make a list of dreams to accomplish; you can create a vision board or poster of magazine pictures that represent things you love.

What are my dreams?

• To write See Jane Soar under a publisher’s contract. I’ve always wanted to be a published author, and I don’t want to die with that dream unlived.
• To encourage, inspire, and motivate women to succeed. My dream is to help other women live the life of their dreams!

How do I show up for work?

• Research, write, and polish sample chapters for See Jane Soar
• Refuse to rush my sample chapters and book proposal. Take my time, and do it right.
• Keep knocking on literary agents’ doors until I find the right one to represent me

What about you, fellow dreamers? What are your dreams and how will you show up for work?

Source of the quotation: Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort of Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach – one of my favorite books.

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After You Lose Someone You Love, You Walk With a Limp

Anne Lamott wrote an article for O magazine, about losing someone you can’t live without. She compared it to a broken leg: you heal, but you’ll always walk with a limp.

I found this passage when researching Madonna for See Jane Soar. Here’s what Oprah said to Madonna during an interview:

“A few months back, Anne Lamott wrote a piece for my magazine about being 49. I’ll read part of it: “I have survived so much loss, as all of us have by our 40s—my parents, dear friends, my pets…. If you haven’t already, you will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of a beloved person. But this is also the good news. They live forever, in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather is cold—but you learn to dance with the limp.” ~ from Oprah Interviews Madonna.

In response, Madonna said she’s learned to make her limp work for her.

What about you – is your limp working for you?

I think I’ve made my limp work for me. I’m estranged from my sister – she stopped talking to me about five years ago. I turned that pain into one of my most popular Quips and Tips blog posts: How to Let Go of Someone You Love. And, I wrote an ebook about letting go. It’s my bestselling ebook, because so many of us are in the same boat! We love, we lose.

While I’ll never completely get over my sister’s decision to cut me out of her life, I have learned to walk, run, dance!

And even soar.

Are you limping after loss, like I am?

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Overcoming Shame and Guilt is About Forgiving Yourself

Before you can overcome feelings of guilt and shame, you need to learn the difference between the two.

These tips are inspired by bestselling author Erica Jong…

“The trick is not how much pain you feel – but how much joy you feel,” says Jong. “Any idiot can feel pain. Life is full of excuses to feel pain, excuses not to live, excuses, excuses, excuses.”

Shame and guilt are great excuses for denying yourself happiness and a full life! If you’re paralyzed with regrets about your past, find ways to move forward. Read books like Healing the Shame that Binds You for help, and check out these tips on overcoming shame and guilt…

Moving beyond the painful, paralyzing emotions of shame and guilt isn’t easy – but there is hope, my friends, for moving on after making mistakes! University of Alberta researcher Jessica Van Vliet studied these emotions and found specific things that help with overcoming shame and guilt.

First: realize that shame and guilt can improve your life.

“Shame can prompt us to make changes that will help protect our relationships and also preserve the fabric of society. It’s important to emphasize that shame is essential and has value,” said Van Vliet. “The problem is when people get paralyzed with shame and withdraw from others. Not only can this create mental health problems for people, but also they no longer contribute as fully to society.”

Be aware of how shame and guilt damages your health and well-being

Women who feel debilitated by shame tend to internalize and over-personalize the situation. They also seem resigned to being unable to change their feelings or their fate – and don’t allow themselves to believe that overcoming shame and guilt is possible. They don’t let themselves overcome failure and bounce back.

“When people experience shame, they may say to themselves ‘I’m to blame, it’s all my fault, all of me is bad, and there’s nothing I can do to change the situation,’” said Van Vliet. “They identify so much with shame that it takes over their entire view of themselves. That leads to an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness.”

Know that overcoming shame and guilt involves going to the “dark place”

Erica Jong says, “Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.” I think the “dark place” can be found in many situations and is different for all women. When it comes to talent, the dark place can be feeling selfish, or forcing self-discipline to stay motivated to pursue your dreams. When it comes to shame and guilt, the dark place can be sitting with and accepting those terrible feelings.

Step back from the problem

A key to overcoming shame and guilt involves view your problem in a different, objective light. It helps to identify external factors that contributed to your actions or situation (discrimination or peer pressure, for example) and differentiate between being a bad person versus doing something bad.

“When people move from a sense of uncontrollability to the belief that maybe there’s something they can do about their situation, such as apologizing or making amends for their actions, it starts increasing a sense of hope for the future,” says Van Vliet.

Connect with friends, family, a higher power, or humanity as a whole

“Connecting to others helps to increase self-acceptance, and with self-acceptance can come a greater acceptance of other people as well,” says Van Vliet. “People start to realize that it’s not just them. Other people do things that are as bad or even worse sometimes so they’re not the worst person on the planet. They start to say to themselves, ‘This is human, I am human, others are human.’”

Do you find the thought of overcoming shame and guilt scary or risky? Remember…“if you don’t risk anything you risk even more,” says Erica Jong.

I welcome your thoughts and questions on overcoming shame and guilt below…

Source: University of Alberta (2009, September 9).” Overcoming Shame: Making Connections Is The Key, Says Researcher.” Van Vliet’s study was published in Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, and Practice.

To learn more about Eric Jong, go to EricaJong.com.

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If you want to brainstorm more creative ideas, think more creatively, and add more creativity to your life, trust this poet to give you the key to firing up your creative juices…

“You can’t use up creativity,” says Maya Angelou. “The more you use, the more you have.”

The secret to being more creative is getting the ball rolling. The more ideas you have, the more ideas you’ll get — just like the whole “rich get richer” upward spiral.

Ah, but how do you get the creativity ball rolling?

By reading books like John Maxwell’s Thinking for a Change: 11 Ways Highly Successful People Approach Life and Work – and it’s one of the most practical, motivational books I’ve read. He devoted an entire chapter to creative thinking, and I’m spilling a couple of his beans here.

Best Ways to Fire Up Your Creative Juices – Maya Angelou

Why do you want to think more creatively? Because:

• Creative women attract dynamic, interesting, creative people.
• Creative women learn more, and are better able to solve problems.
• Creative women have more fun!
• Creative women are happier. (Maybe).
• Creative women know how to turn failure into success.

And, creative women trust themselves — they have a strong connection to why they are.

“Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts. And never hope more than you work.” ~ mystery writer, Rita Mae Brown.

Rita Mae Brown and Maya Angelou (also a writer!) would get along just fine – they both knew the importance of actively pursuing your creativity! Here are a few ways to think more creatively in everyday life…

Celebrate the “offbeat”

Creative people are a bit off center, eclectic, unusual, and “out there.” They’re not your usual dullards, plodding from one task to another. Creative people aren’t threatened by people or situations who are different — they seek out those experiences!

Most of us (especially women?) are uncomfortable, afraid of, or threatened by people who are different (especially women!). We’re more comfortable with people who are like us: normal, safe, familiar. So, to brainstorm more creative ideas, hang out with people who are different than you. The nuttier, the better!

Surround yourself with people you admire

“It’s a fact that you being to think like the people you spend a lot of time with,” writes Maxwell in Thinking for a Change: 11 Ways Highly Successful People Approach Life and Work. “The more time you spend with creative people engaging in creative activities, the more creative you will become.”

This doesn’t mean you have to work at Google or Apple! But it does mean you need to go out of your way to find and spend time with people who strive to find the best ways to think creatively — perhaps women who are enchanted by life.

Grab your camera – even if you never take photos

This tip for firing up your creativity is from Christine Kane, who is a mentor to women:

“My favorite camera is a Pentax K1000. It’s completely manual, and it’s how I learned to take pictures. I’m not very good. When I first moved to Asheville, I used to walk around town on Sundays (the whole town was closed up then) and take pictures of all the buildings. These photos are now a treasure to me because nothing is the same anymore. (Every building has been bought, remodeled and now is filled with stores that sell trickly fountains, Buddahs, and things that smell grassy.) Take pictures of anything. And have fun in the old method of actually getting your film developed and the excitement of flipping through photos you haven’t seen yet.” ~ from 21 Ways to Be More Creative.

One of the best ways to think more creatively is to do things you don’t usually do. I never take photos, but Christine’s idea makes me want to grab my husband’s camera and start shooting away!

Get rid of your TV

Christine Kane also suggests not just turning off your TV — you should get rid of it altogether! “Any time I teach writing or creativity, this is one of the biggies,” she says. “TV is a mind-killer. It numbs you. It fills you with emotionally-charged images and over-simplified solutions. It dulls you. Turn it off. Even if this idea scares you, turn it off.”

Of all four ways to be more creative, I think “get rid of the TV” is one of the best ones.

About Maya Angelou…

“Maya is a kind of quintessential Everywoman: essayist, entertainer, activist, poet, professor, film director and mother-and she recently guest conducted the Boston Pops simply because she felt like it. She has written more than 20 books, and she once had three titles — Caged Bird, The Heart of a Woman and Even the Stars Looked Lonesome —on The New York Times best-seller list simultaneously for six consecutive weeks. In 1993 she became the first poet since Robert Frost in 1961 to write and recite a poem at a presidential inaugural ceremony—a performance for which she won a Grammy for Best Non-Musical Album.” ~ from an interview with Oprah Winfrey in O magazine, December, 2000.

“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer,” says Angelou. “It sings because it has a song.”

What have you always thought you weren’t creative enough to do? Be a writer, perhaps? Read Want to Write More Creatively? Stop Killing Your Creativity!

Who – or what – fires up your creativity? What makes you sing?

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I wanted to offer more (and better) information about saying goodbye, moving on, and moving on after loss, so I wrote this ebook.

In 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love, I offer the best, most helpful tips and strategies from psychologists, life coaches, family therapists, and counselors. It’s about letting go of addictive relationships, affair breakups, estranged family members, and long-lost loves. This book is about healing, strength, and authenticity.

Letting go of someone you love isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy! Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days, peaks and valleys.

How do I know? Because I’m an “old pro” at letting go. I grew up in foster homes, and was constantly saying hello and good-bye to new families, friends, schools, and cities. The downside of good foster homes is that it’s so hard to keep leaving and starting over. But I learned how to love, say good-bye, and open my heart to love again.

And I’ve loved and lost life partners – those heart-wrenching, gut-twisting breakups that slam you to the ground and rip you to pieces. Worse, though, was when my sister cut me out of her life. Five years ago, she told me she didn’t want to speak to me again and wouldn’t tell me why. That was the ultimate lesson in powerlessness and letting go.

All 15 chapters in this ebook start with a real person’s story of breaking up; some people have moved on while others are still trapped in the past. Maybe readers will recognize themselves in their stories. Even better, they’ll see how clinging to the past instead of letting go steals their happiness, confidence, self-respect, and hopes for the future.

To learn more – and to see the Table of Contents – go to 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love.

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And, these money saving hints are peppered with inspirational quotations from Marianne Williamson – one of my most favorite strong successful women in history!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,” said Williamson. “Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.”

You are a powerful woman. You can become financially independent. Don’t let your anxieties or fears hold you back – most of them are groundless! If you struggle with debt and money problems, read On My Own Two Feet: A Modern Girl’s Guide to Personal Finance.

And, here are my five hints for women and money…

5 Money Saving Hints for Women – Marianne Williamson

1. Activate two money saving hints a month. There are smart ways to save money everywhere – the internet, budget books, your rich old aunt, on placemats at funky restaurants. Don’t try to implement every money hint you find; instead pick two a month. Focus on making those two money saving tips a habit. In a month or six weeks, find two more money saving hints to work on. This way, you’re not overwhelmed with a million ways to save money – and you’re steadily progressing towards your goal of financial independence.

2. Pay twice – it teaches you how much money you can save! Here’s a great hint for women who want to be financially independent, from a blog about money from the BHM Financial Group: “Every time you buy a cup of coffee, lunch, or a newspaper, magazine, DVD or other entertainment material, put the same amount of money into an account intended for saving or bill payments,” writes Cassandra in Better Attitude, Bigger Income. “See how much money you’ve saved at the end of the month. Now you know how much money you spent (but could’ve saved) this month. This money saving hint will also show you how much those items really cost, since most of us only take home about one-half what we earn. So, buying that $5 DVD is really costing you $10, that coffee is really about $7.50, and going to the movies? Whoa . . . but, you get the picture.”

3. Turn price tags into hours worked. This is a brilliant hint for saving money for women, from the founder of Mint.com: “So you don’t really need another pair of jeans, but you eyed one that costs just $40,” says Aaron Patzer. “Inexpensive, right?  That depends on how you think of it, Patzer said. Say you earn $7 an hour at your part-time job (not uncommon for high school or college students who work after school and on the weekends). You’d need to work almost 6 hours to pay for those jeans. If you work 10 hours a week, that’s 60% of your work time. Think of it this way, and that pair of jeans doesn’t look that cheap, after all.” Make it a habit to look at the things you want in terms of how long it takes to earn them.

4. Combine money saving hints with your personality traits. Pay attention to your likes and dislikes, characteristics, and lifestyle. What’s your money personality – what are your money beliefs? Are you a saver or a spender? Do you associate with people who have good financial habits, or are you always on a spending spree with friends? To save money and get rid of the debt that holds you back, you need to “ride the horse in the direction its going” – which means not trying to change who you are. Instead, find ways to fit these money saving hints into your lifestyle and personality.

If you wonder if your personality is “good enough”, remember Marianne Williamson’s words: “We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel unsure around you.”

5. Find meaning in experiences, not stuff. “Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are,” said Marianne Williamson. I don’t think she’s talking about shoes, clothes, or other material possessions! Sure, I know how fun it can be to buy new things – I’m not a shopper, but I’ve experienced that “shopper’s high.” But, I also know that spending money isn’t the only way to feel good. In fact, spending money may one of the least satisfactory ways to be happy because it requires a constant outflow of money. If you’re an emotional spender (you shop to avoid stress or sadness), then you might think about finding meaning in your life without spending money. This won’t just help you become a financially independent woman, it’ll help you get emotionally healthy!  

And, solving your money problems will help you let your light shine…

“As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Marianne Williamson.

Do you wonder if you can stand on your own two feet? Read 5 Signs of a Financially Independent Woman – Suze Orman.

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“Too much money is as demoralizing as too little, and there’s no such thing as exactly enough.”  ~ Mignon McLaughlin.

I’m hoping there is such a thing as “exactly enough money” — because that’s what this blog post is all about! For instance, if I make my mortgage payment every month, then I have enough money. (The devil on my shoulder whispers, But what if that’s not enough? What if you’re never financially satisfied? And I say Shush shush SHUSH!!).

If you want to create financial abundance, read The Money Coach’s Guide to Your First Million: 7 Smart Habits to Building the Wealth of Your Dreams. And, here are five ways to apply mindfulness to your life, so you get enough money. Be a financially independent woman, be empowered and secure!

5 Mindful Ways to Get Enough Money – Mignon McLaughlin

Financial independence and security isn’t just about getting enough money — but having enough money does put our minds at ease! These money tips for women aren’t just about achieving financial goals, they’re about creating a better relationship with money through mindfulness.

1. Pick two or three money “mentors.” Who do you admire and respect because of their money management skills? Pick at least two money mentors (women who have succeeded financially, even if that “just” means saving $10,000 for a car or down payment on a house). Spend time with them. Pick a money mentor you can rub shoulders with in person, and a money mentor you can learn from online, on TV, or on the radio (Suze Orman, for example).

2. Ride the financial ups and downs with “mindfulness.” Getting enough money — enjoying financial independence – is about riding the financial roller coaster of debt, income, and household bills without losing sight of the big picture. Instead of letting a financial upset (eg, an unexpected car repair bill) throw you off course, stay focused on how wonderful it will feel to be financially secure. This is being mindful!

3. Learn about your money personality. Do you think you don’t know how to handle the bill payments, financial investments, or wealth accumulation?  Negative money beliefs will stop you from getting enough money. To be more mindful about your money, figure out your money personality – which often comes from your childhood. For example, women may spend more money than necessary because of childhood experiences. If you’re addicted to shopping, remember Mignon McLaughlin’s words: ”Money is much more exciting than anything it buys.” Avoid the trap of shopping, consumerism, and emotional spending.

4. Put your money personality to work for you. It’s easier to break bad money habits when you know what comes naturally for you. For instance, some women love to invest in the stock market, while others need to stop emotional spending. Some women need to focus on their household budget, while others are more comfortable pinching pennies (like me!). To apply mindfulness to your money situation, focus on what comes naturally. Delegate other money management tasks to your partner, reliable family member, or financial advisor.

5. Be mindful literally: visualize getting enough money. What does “getting enough money” mean to you? Do you want to pay your mortgage, or start saving for a summer cottage at the lake? Maybe you want to start your own business, or save enough money to be financially independent. Use the law of attraction: visualize what your ideal financial life looks like and stay focused. Using mindfulness to get enough money is especially effective when when you discuss your money goals with your partner, family members, and friends. Talking about your goals can make them more real and tangible. And, talking can keep you accountable!

But, don’t let money rule your life! “When you let money speak for you, it drowns out anything else you meant to say,” said Mignon McLaughlin. Make sure you control your money — don’t let it control you.

If you have any thoughts or questions on these mindful ways to get enough money, please comment below…

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These six ways to create a vision board that works will help bring your passions, hopes, dreams, and future plans to life! I’m so inspired by Martha Beck’s latest article in Oprah Magazine. I love Martha Beck, I love thinking about authenticity, and I love the idea of finding our destiny!

“When you start assembling pictures that appeal to your deepest self, you unleash one of the most powerful forces on our planet: human imagination,” writes Martha Beck in “The Vision Thing” (Oprah Magazine, June 2010). “Virtually everything humans use, do, or make up exists because something thought it up.”

Martha Beck is one of my favorite motivational authors; her latest book is Steering by Starlight: The Science and Magic of Finding Your Destiny. And, here are six ways to find your desiny by creating the right type of vision board…

5 Ways to Create a Vision Board That Works – Martha Beck

1. Be open to the power of a vision board. “When you start assembling pictures that appeal to your deepest self, you unleash one of the most powerful forces on our planet: human imagination,” writes Beck. “Virtually everything humans use, do, or make up exists because something thought it up.” Remember that a vision board sets the stage for possibility. And, making your dreams come true – finding your destiny – isn’t about getting exactly what you want! It’s about getting what you need.

2. Be clear on what a vision board is. “A vision board (also called a Treasure Map or a Visual Explorer or Creativity Collage) is typically a poster board on which you paste or collage images that you’ve torn out from various magazines. It’s simple,” writes Christine Kane, author of The Complete Guide to Vision Boards. “The idea behind this is that when you surround yourself with images of who you want to become, what you want to have, where you want to live, or where you want to vacation, your life changes to match those images and those desires.”

3. Create a vision board that represents who you are. Don’t look through the most popular magazines for images that represent everyone’s idea of success (eg, beautiful vacations, no credit card debt, a happy family). Instead, find unusual pictures of unfamiliar places, people, poetry. Find images that resonate with who you are – without worrying about other people’s expectations. Find pictures that represent your most primal, wild, unique, innate self.

4. Cut and paste photos that spark your inner “a ha”! Beck encourages us to find pictures that invoke the following responses: joy, wonder, excitement, curiosity, and happiness. Put photos that make you do a double take or gasp with excitement – and avoid our culture’s clichés (perfect families, exotic vacations, early retirement).

5. Stop thinking about what you want out of life. Instead of focusing with narrow minded tunnel vision on finding your destiny or making your dreams come true, let go of what you want. “Stop thinking about it,” says Beck. “The biggest mistake aspiring reality creators make…is continuing to push something they’ve already set in motion.” Hmmm….this one stopped me in my tracks. Maybe I’m too focused on “making” my Quips and Tips blogs succeed…maybe I reek of desperation and need! Maybe it’s time to let my vision board hum quietly in the background while I relax and do what I love (which involves blogging, so I won’t be abandoning my dreams :-) ).

6. “Be still and still moving.” Alas, Martha Beck says, vision boards aren’t a substitute for elbow grease! We need to be active about getting what we want out of life – we need to keep moving forward, in the direction of our dreams. How? By walking through open doors, listening to our hunches, taking advantage of “coincidences”, and doing what comes naturally. And, by knowing what to let go of!  For instance, I’m constantly tweaking my ads on my Quips and Tips blogs, instead of relating to my readers or meeting new bloggers who have common interests.

“Your vision board itself doesn’t impact reality; what changes your life is the process of creating the images — combinations of objects and events that will stick in your subconscious mind and steer your choices toward making the vision real,” writes Martha Beck.

For more Martha Beck on See Jane Soar, read 6 Ways to Increase Weight Loss Motivation.

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