After You Lose Someone You Love, You Walk With a Limp

Anne Lamott wrote an article for O magazine, about losing someone you can’t live without. She compared it to a broken leg: you heal, but you’ll always walk with a limp.

I found this passage when researching Madonna for See Jane Soar. Here’s what Oprah said to Madonna during an interview:

“A few months back, Anne Lamott wrote a piece for my magazine about being 49. I’ll read part of it: “I have survived so much loss, as all of us have by our 40s—my parents, dear friends, my pets…. If you haven’t already, you will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of a beloved person. But this is also the good news. They live forever, in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather is cold—but you learn to dance with the limp.” ~ from Oprah Interviews Madonna.

In response, Madonna said she’s learned to make her limp work for her.

What about you – is your limp working for you?

I think I’ve made my limp work for me. I’m estranged from my sister – she stopped talking to me about five years ago. I turned that pain into one of my most popular Quips and Tips blog posts: How to Let Go of Someone You Love. And, I wrote an ebook about letting go. It’s my bestselling ebook, because so many of us are in the same boat! We love, we lose.

While I’ll never completely get over my sister’s decision to cut me out of her life, I have learned to walk, run, dance!

And even soar.

Are you limping after loss, like I am?

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2. 6 Steps to Healthy Weight Loss – Rita Rudner
3. 5 Tips for Throwing a Goddess Party – Madonna

Finding the motivation to do what you love — such as be creative or write a book– is a constant struggle. Even artists and writers who earn a living from their creativity struggle with the muse from time to time!

What roadblocks do you face when you’re trying to be creative? Fear, doubt, uncertainty, lack of time, rejection sensitivity, perfectionism, procrastination, self-criticism, impatience?

You’re not alone, my friend.

“Everyone has talent; what is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.” ~ Erica Jong.

Helping writers find “the dark place” is why I wrote 73 Ways to Fire Up (or Just Fire) the Muse: How to Write When You Don’t Wanna, or Think You Can’t. It offers solutions to most obstacles, with practical tips and inspirational wisdom from professional freelance writers, novelists, journalism professors, and other successful scribes. This ebook also offers “quick quips” from published authors (because quips and tips are what I’m all about!).

Here’s what one reader says:

“After reading your ebook I am totally charged! It’s motivational, easy to read, and speaks directly to me and every one of my writing angsts and blocks – your energy vibrates off the page. It’s like having you personally talking to me, telling it like it is and encouraging me on. It spoke to so many of my blocks – and I credit it with firing me up after being on simmer for so long.” ~ Maggie R.

I love it — that’s exactly what I was hoping would happen! If you’re struggling to find the motivation to do what you love, this book will help…

In this ebook, you’ll find:

• 15 obstacles – common to most writers – that block a productive writing life or career.
• 73 tips for overcoming obstacles from freelance writers, published authors, journalism professors, & other successful scribes.
• Dozens of thought-provoking quips from famous authors.

You’ll learn practical ways to bypass various roadblocks: no time to write, fear of rejection, reluctance to waste time on a project that may never get published, not feeling good enough, lack of self-discipline, procrastination, perfectionism, disorganization, work and life commitments, online distractions, offline distractions, internal distractions, external distractions, lions and tigers and bears – oh my!

You’ll learn what works, what doesn’t work, and why.

Each chapter in this ebook can stand alone; you don’t necessarily need to read it from top to bottom. You can choose the obstacle that plagues you from the Table of Contents and dive right in. You can save certain chapters until later in your career (such as Chapter 3.5: “5 Things to Do While You Wait for Publication”).

And the best part is, you can re-read it whenever you need a “booster shot” in one particular area (because obstacles come and go over time).

$9.95 US

If you have any thoughts or questions on ”firing up the muse” or finding the motivation to do what you love to do, please comment below…

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1. Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong
2. How to Use Your Instincts to Succeed at Work – Erica Jong
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“It isn’t where you came from, it’s where you’re going that counts.” ~ Ella Fitzgerald.

But, where you came from can teach you so much about where you’re going – and how to get there! If you keep making the same old mistakes, read Blind Spots: Why Smart People Do Dumb Things. And here, are five ways to learn from your mistakes…

5 Ways to Learn From Your Mistakes – Ella Fitzgerald

1. Look for the blessings in disguise. I’m a full-time freelance writer; one of the hidden blessings of my job is all the rejections I get! I get rejected by editors, publishers, literary agents, clients, and even other bloggers. And I make a ton of mistakes – sometimes I misspell an editor’s name in a query letter, write articles that aren’t exactly snappy, and neglect to prepare for interviews. But, those mistakes are teaching me that it’s okay to drop the ball and everything will be fine. The older I get, the more I realize that success is about learning how to fail and bounce back.

2. Refuse to be ashamed of your mistakes. Confucius says a mistake is only a mistake until you become ashamed of it…and then it’s a crime. If you’ve made a mistake that you desperately wish you hadn’t, then you need to find a way to let go of it. Talk to a counselor or life coach, read books about letting go of regret, or enroll in a class about self-acceptance and self-esteem. Don’t let your mistake trap you in fear, guilt, shame, or regret! Ella Fitgerald says, “Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.”

3. Remember that you did the best you could. This is one of my favorite life lessons: we make the best decisions we can, based on who we are and what we know at any given time. Sure, we can look back and kick ourselves for not doing something differently, because hindsight is 20/20. But, the best way to learn from our mistakes is to tell ourselves that we’re doing the best we can, given our personalities, experiences, and situation. We did the best we could ten years ago, and we’re doing the best we can today.

4. Ask for objective feedback, and do some self-assessment. What could you have done better, or differently? What do you know now that you didn’t know then? You won’t build resiliency or “bounce-back-ability” by burying your mistakes. Instead, ask someone you trust for objective feedback about your actions. Tell them not to sugarcoat the truth: you want to know how to be more successful next time!

5. Figure out the hitch in your glitch. Successful women achieve their goals by learning from past mistakes, because they figure out what does and does not work for them. Learning why the mistake happened – or keeps happening – will prevent it from happening in the future. Are you being sabotaged? Are you lazy? Are you dealing with some serious health issues or life problems? Figuring out the root of the problem is a great way to overcome past mistakes.

Here’s what Lucille Ball said about Ella Fitzgerald’s mistakes: “Ella’s amazing! My daughter says that every time she makes a mistake, it becomes a hit record.”

Remember that your mistakes can become your greatest hits…as long as you don’t bury or hide from them!

If you have any thoughts or questions on learning from your mistakes, please comment below…

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“I’d rather be alone than unhappy,” says Houston.

Being in a relationship doesn’t guarantee happiness…or even love. Many women are lonely, frustrated, and sad in their relationships or marriages; it’s far better to be single than stuck in a bad relationship. If you’re struggling with your singleness, read Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent. And, here are several ways to be happily single…

5 Ways to be Blissfully Happy as a Single Woman – Whitney Houston

1. Figure out the source of your feelings. Do you feel depressed, sad, or lonely because you’re single? Figure out why you want to be in a relationship; is it because your sister is married with three children or you feel like an outsider at work or home? Maybe you feel worthless, and think a relationship will validate you as a woman. To be happily single, you need to figure out why you want to be married.

2. Refuse to dwell on the lack of love in your life. What you focus on expands, my friends. Instead of dwelling on what you don’t have (and causing your lack to grow), stay focused on what you bring to all your relationships. For instance, do you wish you were a more successful woman? Make a list of your wonderful qualities and personality traits. The more you love and appreciate yourself, the happier you’ll be – and the more attractive you’ll be to others. Don’t think about what you lack; instead, concentrate on what you want in your life.

3. Connect to your source of power and inspiration. “I had the money, I had the cars,” Houston told Oprah Winfrey in a recent interview. “I had the house. Had the husband. Had the kid. And none of it was really that fulfilling. For a time, I was happy…but I needed that joy. I needed my joy back. I needed that peace that passes all understanding.” No matter how wonderful a boyfriend or husband is, he can’t give you peace, self-acceptance, or happiness. You need to stay connected with your own source of inspiration and fulfillment; you need to protect your sense of self when you’re in love.

4. Stay emotionally, physically, and professionally healthy. What books, people, events, Web sites, or groups help you feel connected to yourself? For instance, I love Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort of Joy – just opening that book up to a random page makes me feel more focused and in touch with who I am as a woman. If you want to be blissfully happy and single – especially if you’re hoping for a new romantic relationship – make sure you’re taking care of all aspects of your health.

5. Don’t wait for a man before you pursue the life of your dreams. Do you want to take a month-long vacation in Bora Bora, start your own business, buy a condo, or move to New York City to be a Rockett at Radio City Music Hall? You don’t need to be in a relationship to pursue your dreams! In fact, being involved with a man can make it more difficult to achieve your goals; women in relationships have to consider their partners’ needs, lifestyle, plans, and family.

Whatever you want to do with your life, do it now.

“I know from whence my help cometh,” says Houston. “I do know that. And I know that it’s strong within me. If ever I get low, I get weak, I know where I can turn to. I love the spirit of God so much that I’m not willing to trade that for anything. Because I feel joy that I can’t even speak about. And peace that passes all understanding.”

If you have any thoughts or questions on being blissfully happy as a single woman, please comment below…

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About success, McEntire says, “Be different, stand out, and work your butt off.”

Allowing yourself to be different and stand out is more difficult than working hard, but authenticity offers rewards that hard work doesn’t. To learn how to work smarter and reveal your authentic self, read Lois Frankel’s Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers – she’s written several fantastic books in the “Nice Girls” series. And, read on for ten ways to succeed at work for women…

10 Ways for Women to Get Ahead at Work – Reba McEntire

1. Give yourself permission to move from girlhood to womanhood. Do you sometimes feel like a young girl even though you’re a grown woman? Frankel says, “Tell yourself that you are not only allowed, but entitled to act in ways that move you toward goal attainment.” To get ahead at work, take control of your education, professional development, and career choices. Own your age!

2. Ask for professional feedback. If you’re concerned about your job performance, ask a trusted colleague for feedback. In Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office, Frankel suggests asking an open-ended question, such as: “Tell me what I did in that meeting that helped me or hindered me from achieving my goals.” Negative feedback can make you a healthier, more well-rounded woman — so don’t be afraid of it.

3. Know the rules of the game at your workplace. Workplaces have spoken and unspoken rules, and women need to know what they are. For instance, is it taboo to go home before 4 pm? Can budgets be flexed, or must they be strictly adhered to? The more you know which rules can be bent, the farther you’ll go at work.

4. Don’t take slights, criticisms, or mistakes personally. If you’re taken to task because of a mistake at work (real or perceived), don’t take it personally. Imagine you’re protected by a Plexiglass shield; you can see out, but negativity and criticism can’t touch you. To succeed at work, don’t retreat after making a mistake.

5. Build solid professional relationships. “If you’re not spending 5% of your day building relationships, you’re doing something wrong,” says Frankel. Since women are generally very good at building relationships, this is an easy way for us to succeed! Unless, of course, we’re coping with negative or bossy coworkers.

6. Speak up when people delegate inappropriately to you. Learn how to say no and recognize inappropriate delegation at work. Practice saying “no” unapologetically: ”You know, I’d love to help you out with this but I’m just swamped.” Then, stop talking. Here’s how Reba McEntire puts it: “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.”

7. Prepare requests in advance. If you’re asking for a new client project, a job promotion, a raise, etc., make sure you rehearse in advance. When you ask for anything at work, be direct, straightforward, and accompany each request with two or three legitimate reasons why you should be given it.

8. Embrace – don’t avoid – office politics. Office politics, according to Frankel, is simply about going out of your way to help someone and give them what they need. In return, they’ll do the same. Understand that professional relationships have a built-in quid pro quo. To take it a step further and learn to read nonverbal signals from your coworkers.

9. Ask for introductions. To get ahead at work, speak up when you want to meet a potential or current client, the president of the company, or the boss’s husband! The more you ask for referrals, phone numbers, and sources, the easier it’ll get.

10. Don’t let your emotions dictate your responses at work. “When people get annoyed or angry with us, it’s often for the purpose of getting us to do what they want. Don’t fall for the ploy,” writes Frankel. To succceed at work, let go of your need to be liked and your fear of confrontation. Let people be annoyed with — or even mad at – you.

One last inspiration from Reba McEntire:

“Growing up is not being so determined to make everybody happy.”

If you have any thoughts or questions on these ways for women to get ahead at work, please comment below…

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“A human being is only interesting if she’s in contact with herself,” says Barbra Streisand. “I learned you have to trust yourself, be what you are, and do what you ought to do the way you should do it.”

To be who and what you are, you need to cope with the stress of caregiving as soon as it creeps up. And if you’re a caregiver, you need to get help before you’re totally burned out! To stop stress in its tracks, read Preventing Caregiver Burnout (Caregiver Survival Series). And, here are five signs of burnout from experienced caregivers…

“Caregivers who are experiencing burnout likely don’t even know it because they’re so absorbed with their responsibilities,” says Karen Boyer, Caregiver Support Program Coordinator of The Friends in Parry Sound, Ontario. “In a spousal relationship, women especially feel it’s part of their marriage vows. Older generations saw the pattern of their parents caring for spouses and extended family members as being the norm.”

5 Signs of Caregiver Burnout – Barbra Streisand

1. Personal and professional neglect. According to B. Lynn Goodwin, author of You Want Me to Do What? Journaling for Caregivers, a caregiver needs help when she doesn’t have time personal care or skips her own health appointments because she’s always taking her loved one to the dentist, doctor, or other specialists. Goodwin adds that when a caregiver spends 45 minutes on a personal call at work – or the work/home scale is seriously unbalanced – she needs help.

“I just don’t want to be hampered by my own limitations,” says Barbra Streisand – which is what can happen when external responsibilities overpower who we are…and who we want to become.

2. Emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion. Philip, 80, has been taking care of his 79 year old wife, Barb, in Vancouver, BC for three years. Barb struggles with dementia, and doesn’t always comply with his requests. Their daughter, Suzanne, says he has a hard time motivating his wife to stay active. “She says ‘no’ to going for walks, getting out of bed before 11 a.m., going to church, and spending time in out-patient programs. The constant ‘no’s’ are exhausting, and he eventually stops asking.” Philip’s exhaustion doesn’t just affect him, it also affects his wife’s health. To cope with caregiver burnout, he needs to find (and implement) smart stress solutions.

3. Physical ailments because of increased stress. Weight loss or gain, sleeplessness, chronic health problems, and constantly fighting colds or the flu could be signs of burnout. Boyer describes how stress can trigger health problems: “Heather attended my caregiver support group while caring for her elderly spouse. She let out a loud shriek as I described how stress can cause inflammation in the joints. She had no prior arthritis, but was suddenly experiencing joint pain.” Heather realized that her recent health issues were related to caregiver stress.

4. Strong emotional reactions. “Once, I yelled at my kids because they didn’t help as I dragged groceries from the car on a rainy afternoon,” says Marc Silver, author of Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife (and Yourself) during Diagnosis, Treatment and Beyond. “My older daughter said, ‘Gee, Dad, if you’d just ask, we’d be happy to help.” Boyer adds that caregivers who are burning out may become irritable, ignore offers of assistance, refuse invitations to go out, or drop out of their usual activities. 

“For me, one sign of ‘caregiver burnout’ was crying in the car,” says Silver, whose wife survived breast cancer. “Evidently a lot of guys do it, and it’s a welcome release.”

5. Loneliness and isolation. Suzanne says her father – whose wife is struggling with dementia – is lonely. “He doesn’t have adult conversations with her like he used to,” she says. “He lost his best friend.” And since Philip spends a great deal of time and energy caring for his wife, he doesn’t have much time or energy to socialize with others.

“If you need help, don’t be afraid to ask for it,” Silver adds. “No one can read your mind.”

Also – a final gem from Barbra Streisand – “You have got to discover you, what you do, and trust it.”

If you have any questions or thoughts on these signs of caregiver burnout, please comment below…

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“I lost boundaries as a child and I didn’t even realize it,” said Marie Osmond. “It wasn’t talked about back then. You know, it was something you just buried and dealt with, and moved forward. What could you do about it?”

If only “See Jane Soar” existed when she was a child – she could’ve learned how to protect her personal boundaries! If you’re struggling to stick to your boundaries, you might find Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Dayhelpful (pictured). And, here are five ways to maintain your boundaries even when people don’t like them…

5 Ways to Protect Your Boundaries Despite Criticism – Marie Osmond

When you set your personal boundaries, you’re protecting your time and energy for the things in life that mean the most to you. Setting boundaries is a piece of cake…it’s defending them that requires courage, stamina, and dedication!

1. Expect to be criticized for drawing the line. When I first started working from home – I’m a full-time freelance writer and blogger – I told my friends and family that I wouldn’t take personal phone calls during the day. It’s too disruptive, I love my job, and I don’t even talking on the phone! Most everybody was fine with it, except for a couple of friends who bristled (“Well, if you’re too busy to take ten minutes to catch up with an old friend who can’t talk in the evenings…”) and who are still irked, even after two years. Now when I set a personal boundary, I simply prepare myself for criticism or negative responses.

2. Let your loved ones be angry, disappointed, or frustrated. It’s okay if people are mad at you, disappointed in you, or frustrated by your behavior! No matter what you do or how nice you are, you won’t be liked by everyone all the time…so get used to getting under people’s skin. They’ll get over it. And, trust me, the more you let go of other people’s expecations, the easier it gets. It’s not your responsibility to make everyone happy all the time; your job is to figure out who your authentic self is, and be that woman. And don’t forget to look for the humor in the situation, because as Marie Osmond says, “If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.”

3. Stay in touch with who you are and what you need. As an introvert, I need to be alone a lot of the time. As a woman who likes to stay thin (and who gains weight just by thinking about chocolate), I need to eat less meat and potatoes – which my husband loves to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (he’s one of those lucky ectomorphs who can eat whatever wants whenever he wants, and not gain an ounce). These are examples of two types of personal boundaries I’ve set at home, and they’re easy to protect because I am connected to who I am. It’s difficult  to stand up against criticism when you don’t really know what you want or need!

4. Learn how to handle difficult people – especially at work. If you work full-time, you may spend more time at work than home…and who wants to be miserable for eight or nine hours a day? There are several ways to protect your boundaries even if you have critical coworkers, such as choosing the right time to talk to them, starting the conversation on a positive note, being specific, communicating directly, and figuring out your role in the problem. In How to Handle Bossy Coworkers – Sophia Loren, I describe those steps in more detail.

5. Detach from critical people a little…or a lot. Sometimes physical space is necessary – actually spending less time with people who don’t uplift or support you. If your mother or best friend from high school refuses to treat you the way you want to be treated (or if they’re toxic people), then it’s appropriate and healthy to spend less time with them, limit the lengths of your visits, or even let them go altogether.

“Life can be real tough,” said Marie Osmond. “You can either learn from your problems, or keep repeating them over and over.”

What about you – have you set healthy personal boundaries, and are you protecting them despite criticism from friends, family, or coworkers? I’d love to hear from you below!

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“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” ~ Cher.

When you’re dating a man, be tough, objective, and realistic. Don’t let your hopes for the future cloud your judgment – because marrying the wrong man (or finding yourself in an abusive relationship) can send you on a downward spiral that’s hard to get out of. To learn more about finding a good boyfriend and loving husband, click How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by Dr. John Van Epp. And, read on for six suggestions for choosing the right man to marry…

How to Find a Good Boyfriend Who Will Be a Loving Husband

Get emotionally, physically, spiritually, and professionally healthy. Where are you going and what do you want out of life – apart from wanting to marry the right guy? If you’re stuck in a cycle of depression, binge eating, financial debt, unhealthy family relationships, or addictions, then you need to get healthy before you think about a serious relationship.

Be open to meeting and dating different types of men. Take every opportunity to find a good boyfriend: accept blind dates from friends, meet your aunt’s neighbors, join hiking groups for singles, take classes through continuing education, join the singles group at church, and volunteer for different events and organizations. Good men are everywhere – you just have to get in their way!

Pay attention to red flags. If your boyfriend doesn’t let you visit his home, introduce you to his friends, treat you well, or spend money on you (and let you spend money on him), then you need to reevaluate the relationship. Red flags are anything that makes you wonder about his character or values. For instance, if you wouldn’t tell your best friend, mother, or sister about something your boyfriend has done, then it’s a red flag. Don’t turn a blind eye to those red flags – because they’ll get worse, not better.

Put your long-term happiness over your short-term goals. I didn’t get married until I was 35, and I would’ve fallen into a few unhappy marriages if I wasn’t saved by my boyfriends’ indifference to marrying me! I was so focused on my goal of getting married, I ignored the long-term perspective. To tune into your long-term happiness, ask yourself if you can live with your boyfriend exactly the way he is right now for the rest of your life. Be honest as you decide if he is the man you want to be married to for 20, 30, or 50 years.

Go beyond his appearance. Forget about his body, gorgeous eyes, charming smile, and large warm hands. Can you talk to him about life, love, relationships, spirituality, life goals, politics, and differing opinions? Does he help you feel cherished, loved, appreciated, and happy? Do you connect on all levels: professional, social, intellectual, spiritual? If you’re struggling to make conversation or discuss different opinions, remember that if he’s not a good boyfriend, he won’t be a loving husband.

Enjoy being single, meeting men, and dating. Having a boyfriend or loving husband is a wonderful part of life – but so is being single and dating! Learn to enjoy your single life; it has benefits that marriage doesn’t. Savor whatever stage of life you’re at – and recognize that you don’t need a man or marriage to be happy. A man can’t make you happy, no matter how good a boyfriend or loving a husband he is.

“I don’t need a man,” says Cher. “But I’m happier with one. I like to have someone I can touch and squeeze and kiss. But I don’t fold up and die if I don’t have a man around.”

If you’re in a relationship, don’t lose yourself in him. Read How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship for guidance.

Do you have any thoughts or comments on finding a good boyfriend – and marrying a loving husband? I welcome you below…

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One of my favorite women here on See Jane Soar is Queen Latifah, who repeatedly said she wasn’t on the Jenny Craig diet to lose weight for appearance-based reasons. Her weight loss goals were based on having a healthier body and lifestyle. I love that!

And here’s what else Queen Latifah says:

“All my life I’ve been in a battle to overcome my fears. I’ve had to take that chance with everything I’ve done, from riding my bike down that driveway, to skateboarding, to soccer, to every sport I every tried out for.”

That’s what increasing low self-esteem is all about: trying things that scare you and dealing with the fallout. To learn more about taking risks and growing as a woman, click Know Yourself: A Woman’s Guide to Wholeness, Radiance & Supreme Confidence. And, read on for five ways to increase low self-esteem…

5 Ways to Increase Self Esteem for Overweight Women – Queen Latifah

1. Don’t feast your eyes on models. A study in the Journal of Consumer Research shows that an overweight woman’s self-esteem plummets when she looks at photographs of model in magazines – no matter how thin or overweight the model is. The more models overweight women saw, the worse they felt about themselves. These researchers recommend avoiding women’s magazines, but that’s well-nigh impossible! Not to mention Hollywood movies and TV shows, which revolve around think beautiful women. For tips on increasing your self-esteem while surrounded by skinny people, read Increase Your Body Confidence While Reading Women’s Magazines.

2. Move your body. The more you put your body through the paces – dance, yoga, Pilates, hiking, swimming, or whatever you love to do – the better you’ll feel about yourself. This isn’t about weight loss; it’s about increasing the mind-body connection and taking risks. Don’t fall into the “I’m too fat, I’ll look stupid in Zumba class, everyone will laugh at me” trap. Instead, find an activity you enjoy (for instance, I’m a huge fan of the 10 Minute Solutions DVDs), and commit to moving your body and getting your blood boiling at least three times a week.

3. Know your self-esteem pitfalls. To increase your self-esteem as an overweight woman, figure out when you feel the worst about yourself. Is it after a visit or phone call with your mom or sister? Is it at work, when a certain coworker is around? Is it at night, when you’re tired and stressed? You don’t necessarily need to change those triggers; simply being aware that you will feel bad about yourself after X will help you avoid the consequences (binge eating, if you’re like me!).

4. Differentiate between external and internal triggers. An example of an external trigger for feeling bad about yourself is when someone criticizes or insults you. An internal trigger is you telling yourself you’re overweight because you’re bad, worthless, dumb, or lazy. What type of trigger decreases your self-esteem most often? And, is there anything you can do about that trigger? Taking control of the situations and people that decrease your self-confidence is empowering. And, anything empowering you will increase your self-esteem.

5. Keep doing what you’re good at. Identifying what you’re good at – or your best qualities – is difficult for many women. For instance, I’m trying to think of what I’m good at right now…and I can’t! Not all of us are taught to be our own cheerleaders or share our strengths. We tend to focus on our weaknesses, mistakes, and regrets…not on the things we do well. So, to increase your self-esteem, don’t just remember what you’re good at…do that thing regularly. And, savor your ability or talent! It sets you apart and makes you special – and it has nothing to do with your weight.

“It might sound cliché, but beauty for me really does start on the inside,” says Queen Latifah. “It’s like a state of mind, a state of love if you will. Then, whatever you can do on the outside is all like a bonus.”

If you want to lose a few pounds — though that doesn’t guarantee high self-esteem! – read 10 Ways to Lose 10 Pounds – Julia Cameron.

And if you have any questions or thoughts on these ways to increase low self-esteem, I welcome you below…

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Related posts:

1. 10 Ways to Build Self-Confidence – Queen Latifah
2. 6 Ways to Increase Weight Loss Motivation – Martha Beck
3. 5 Ways to Cope With Mild Depression for Women – JK Rowling

“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself,” says Tina Turner. “If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.”

Letting go, even when you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, is one of the hardest things you’ll do. For more relationship help, click on The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel. And, read on for the stages of leaving an abusive relationship…

5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship – Tina Turner

According to a new University of Illinois journal article, abused woman go through a five-step process of leaving abusive relationships. Below are the fives stages, based doctoral candidate Lyndal Khaw’s dissertation work at the U of I. If you want to leave your partner are scared, read Overcoming Fear – Suze Orman and Cher.

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Leaving an Abusive Relationship – 5 Stages Women Go Through

If you have any thoughts or questions on these stages of leaving an abusive relationship, I welcome your comments below…

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Related posts:

1. How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert
2. 3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt
3. How to Find the Strength to Leave a Bad Relationship – Gloria Steinem