Because if you don’t believe, you won’t achieve.

“Whatever you want in life, other people are going to want it too. Believe in yourself enough to accept the idea that you have an equal right to it.” ~ Diane Sawyer.

It doesn’t matter what you want out of life – to lose 25 pounds, find the right man, get that university degree, or move to Hawaii – if you don’t believe that you have an equal right to it, then you won’t get it.

What Believing in Yourself Looks Like – Diane Sawyer’s Professional Achievements

• She is one of the most respected journalists in the world – from White House press aide to CBS Morning News anchor to ABC World News anchor
• The first woman correspondent on 60 Minutes
• The first female co-anchor of Good Morning America; she and Robin Roberts were first women co-anchors in history
• Named one of the world’s 100 most powerful women by Forbes in 2011
• Won several awards, such as the Peabody in 2009, mostly for investigative reporting

To achieve all this, Diane Sawyer HAD to believe in herself.

What do you want out of your life – and do you believe in yourself?

I want to be a published author, and I believe in myself. I believe I have the right to a publishing contract, that I’m equal to the other aspiring authors who want to get their books published.

But, I’ve been rejected by literary agents and publishing houses so many times, I’m beginning to lose faith. Not in myself, but in the ability or willingness of the Universe to give me waht I want.

Have you ever felt this way?

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1. Christiane Amanpour – Taking Risks

Here’s what Christiane Amanpour says about taking “intellectual risks”…

“There’s what I call intellectual risk. Do you tell the truth? Do you speak out? Do you push the limit with your bosses, colleagues, friends, and family? Do you stand up for what you believe is right? And are you prepared to live with the risks of doing that?”

When was the last time you told the truth, pushed your limits, stood up for what you believe is right?

My Biggest Risk

Tweeting Bible verses and stuff about Christianity seems like a big risk for me to take. I’m QuipsAndTips on Twitter, I have over 7,000 followers, and I’m reluctant to tweet stuff about Jesus because…it just feels risky! Partly because “Quips and Tips” is my professional brand, and I don’t really want to mix my career with my personal life. And partly because I don’t want people to think of me as a conservative Christian (I’m more like Anne Lamott than Ruth Graham).

I don’t think I’m making Jesus proud.

What about you – what’s the biggest intellectual risk you could take?

Christiane Amanpour is the anchor of ABC News’ This Week. She was CNN’s Chief International Correspondent for 27 years – she fearlessly parachuted into conflict areas in the Bosnia and Gulf wars.

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“Some people say that I have an attitude — maybe I do,” said Venus Williams. “But I think that you have to. You have to believe in yourself when no one else does — that makes you a winner right there.”

Do you believe in yourself, no matter how much you weigh? Then you’re 90% of the way to being a successful woman! The other 10% comes from being fit and healthy. My best ”get fit tip” is to try the 10 Minute Solutions DVDs; one of my favorites is Kickbox Bootcamp. Keli combines strength training, cardio, kick boxing, and “burpees.” I love it! And the best part is that those fitness DVDs (the 10 Minute Solutions series) don’t cost much.

Okay, here are several ways to get fit and save money…

7 Fast Ways to Get Fit and Save Money on Exercise – Venus Williams

1. Practice NEAT exercise. “Naturally thin people never stop moving,” says personal trainer and Pilates instructor Fawn Gill. “Even in their seats, they shift and fidget. This is known as non-exercise activity time, or NEAT.” She says constant movement burns calories and raises the metabolism. Thin people are often fidgety, never staying still, always moving…and that’s a great way to get fit and save money on exercise! 

2. Swap your exercise equipment and workout DVDs with a friend. This is one of my favorite ways to lose 10 pounds fast: dig out your old exercise ball or old Wii Fit games, and trade them for your friend’s yoga mat or Pilates DVDs. You’ll save money, try new fitness activities, and be more accountable for working out more regularly (especially if you and the person you swap exercise equipment with vow to keep each other disciplined!).

3. Stop buying new workout clothes! A friend of mine starts a new exercise regime every few months, and shops for brand new exercise clothes every time! Lululemon, Mountain Equipment Co-Op, Nike — she buys all the brand names. And, she spends a ton of money on clothes that she plans to sweat buckets in. To save money on your workouts, exercise in preloved clothes. I buy all my workout gear at a local thrift store, and I don’t care if they get sweaty or dirty.

4. Quit the health club or gym — especially in the summer. Many gyms, health clubs, or fitness centers cost hundreds or thousands of dollars a year. Plus, many people stop going a few weeks after spending money on their gym memberships. “Gyms count on the likelihood that most members stop going, at least regularly, after a few weeks or months but are still stuck paying monthly dues until the contract runs out,” write the authors of The Smart Cookies’ Guide to Making More Dough and Getting Out of Debt. Municipal or community facilities or recreation centers will help you save money.

5. Join a hiking, biking, or triking group — or start one. “Before you join a gym, consider organizing a group of friends for daily or weekly walks, runs, hikes, or bike rides instead,” write the money experts in The Smart Cookies’ Guide to Making More Dough. “This way you can be social and be fit — and working out with friends will give you added incentive to stick to your exercise regime.”

6. Exercise outdoors — even in the winter. A 45 minute run or walk in the fresh air — even through the snow — instead of a stuffy gym can burn more fat, improve blood flow, and keep your brain alert. Plus, sunshine increases serotonin and vitamin D levels, which help keep your weight stable. And turning off the treadmills, elliptical trainers, and stationary bicycles can reduce national energy consumption levels. This isn’t just a great way to get fit fast, it’s also eco-friendly!

7. Make your meals and snacks from scratch. One of the best ways to save money while getting fit is to cook all your meals at home. It’s the only way to know exactly what’s in your food, why it’s there, and what you can reduce or eliminate without sacrificing taste. Muffins from coffee shops and Caesar salads in restaurants are perfect examples of high-fat foods that can be made at home – they’ll contain half the calories and cost a fraction of the store-bought price.

“Of course, I want to be number one,” said Venus Williams. “But being happy and healthy is the most important thing.”

What do you think of these ways to get fit and save money on exercise equipment? Please comment below…

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Ayaan Hirsi Ali wrote Infidel, a memoir describing her traditional Muslim childhood in Somalia, Saudi Arabia, and Kenya (where I lived for three years…I’ve been to the streets and neighborhoods she described!). Ali survived a variety of situations that many women could not bounce back from…and neither has she, really.

Ali broke away from dutiful obedience and spoke out against traditional cultural values. Trusting her inner voice, she questioned her family’s faith, her own belief system, and how women were treated in Muslim families. Ali became a Dutch politician and influenced that country’s and legal system.

Ayaan Hirsi Ali found her true identity — her authentic self — because she trusted her inner voice.

She now lives in hiding. Read her book to learn more — her life is fascinating — and read on for five ways to get the most out of your own life…

5 Ways to Get the Most Out of Your Life – Ayaan Hirsi Ali

1. Listen to your instincts. Put other people’s expectations and opinions aside. What do you think, feel, and want? Part of finding your true identity and trusting your inner voice is letting go of the question “What will people think?” Getting older helps with accepting that people may not think what you want them to think…and letting that go. Becoming a strong woman involves tuning into your instincts and living the life you want – like Ayaan Hirsi Ali did.

2. Stay connected to your dreams and goals. You have responsibilities, duties, expectations, and life to deal with, which makes it more difficult to stay focused on who you really are and what you really want out of life. But, to start pursuing your dreams right now, you need only picturing yourself where you want to be in a year, or five years. Visualization is an effective way to get what you want out of life because it helps you learn to trust your inner voice and get started on the path to success.

3. Express your authentic emotions. If you feel angry, get your anger out – without burying your feelings in chocolate ice cream, cigarettes, wine, or frenzied activity. If you’re sad, cry or write in your journal or pray instead of shopping or watching TV. Staying in touch with your true emotions is hard (and expressing them can be even harder), but it’s a great way to make the most of your life!

4. Choose your activities carefully. Instead of participating in activities you feel lukewarm about or outright don’t wanna do, learn to say no without feeling guilty or ashamed. Limit your activities to things that represent who you are and what you believe in. When you choose what you really want to do, you’ll discover who you really are. Maybe you’ll be viewed as an infidel — but that may actually be the highest compliment you’ll ever receive! There are worse things to be compared to than strong women like Ayaan Hirsi Ali.

5. Take risks. To find your true self and live the life of your dreams, challenge yourself to try new things. Reach out to people. Let yourself be vulnerable and don’t be afraid to make waves. Trust your inner voice when it comes to taking risks, especially when you’re afraid, and find creative solutions to your problems. Being an authentic woman involves risks – there’s no doubt about it. But “if there aren’t any dragons, it’s not an adventure worth telling,” says Sarah Ban Breathnach.

Let Ayaan Hirsi Ali inspire you to get the most out of your life – and to be grateful for the life you have.

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“Luck has nothing to do with [my success], because I have spent many, many hours, countless hours, on the court working for my one moment in time, not knowing when it would come,” said tennis champion Serena Williams.

That’s the “10,000 hours of practice for successful people” rule, which Malcolm Gladwell describes in Outliers: The Story of Success. But, before you can practice anything for 10,000 hours, you first need to figure out if your goals are worth pursuing! Here, a psychologist and two life coaches (all published authors!) describe why giving up on unhealthy goals is an important part of creating a successful life plan.

Evaluating Your Personal or Professional Goals

Persistence and pursuing goals is admirable – especially when you think of female entrepreneurs who start their own successful businesses and somehow beat all odds to succeed. Yet, research shows that dogged determination can lead to depression, helplessness, and a weakened immune system.

Dana S. Dunn, Professor of Social Psychology at the Moravian College in Pennsylvania and author of Research Methods for Social Psychology, says that remarkable accomplishments do happen, but they’re not the norm.

“We tend to overgeneralize from a handful of instances in which people do amazing things,” says Dunn. “The danger of looking at people who succeeded against all odds is that we don’t know how they got there. We don’t necessarily know the steps they took, their background, or the support they had.”

The notions of persistence and accomplishment are embedded in many of our communities, workplaces, and families. “We’re socialized that we must always succeed, but we don’t always recognize that we’re limited by resources such as time, circumstance, and ability,” says Dunn. “Motivation isn’t the problem. Our own infrastructure can hold us back. We don’t always have the right education, technical expertise, or resources.”

Recognizing our limitations is key to achieving our goals and creating a successful life plan.

How to Recognize Unhealthy Goals

“It may be time to re-evaluate your goals when you’ve lost your joy or you’re not making as much of an effort,” says life coach Susan Wilson, author of Goal Setting: How to Create an Action Plan and Achieve Your Goals. “If you dread the thought of the goal, you’ve lost your creativity, or you resent the time and energy it takes, then you might consider a different approach. Difficult goals are challenging, but the obstacles will be balanced by the joy of pushing through and seeing benefits. If the negative parts of the goal overshadow the positives, then that goal may not be right for you.”

Impossible or unachievable goals don’t honor who we are, adds Sandra Taylor, author of Secrets of Success: The Science and Spirit of Real Prosperity. If our goals aren’t in line with our beliefs, values, personality, and future plans, the outcomes of the goal will be negative. “Look for red flags such as anxiety or objective feedback from others that your goal isn’t realistic,” she says. “Watch for the feeling that the goal and the process don’t resonate with who you are. If you’re participating in activities for their own sake – not just with the goal in mind – then you know it’s a valuable goal.”

3 Tips for Creating a Successful Life Plan for Women – Serena Williams

1. Set goals that represent who you are. “I was just tired of losing,” says Serena Williams. “Life was passing me by.” She is incredibly successful at playing tennis because she got tired of feeling left behind. Williams chose a life goal that she was passionate about, that represented who she was. And, she not only won…she’s also happy and fulfilled. To create a successful life plan, you need to figure out who you really are as a woman.

2. Set your intentions and focus on what you want to achieve. “If you can keep playing tennis when somebody is shooting a gun down the street, that’s concentration,” says Williams. What – or who – distracts you from achieving your personal and professional goals? Find a way to deal with that obstacle…even if it’s as disruptive as a shooting down the street!

3. Let go of the past. “I decided I can’t pay a person to rewind time, so I may as well get over it,” says Serena Williams. Don’t let your past mistakes, shame, or regret stop you from creating a successful life plan! Figure out how to let go of past negativity and free yourself to set your intentions and achieve your goals. Get over it…the past is behind you.

Have you set a life plan — or intentions for your life – and are you pursuing unhealthy or healthy personal or professional goals? I welcome your thoughts or questions below… 

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If you ask talk show host, best-selling author and moral compass Dr Laura Schlessinger — author of In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms — she’ll laugh hysterically. Of course working moms are stressed and unhappy – and so are their kids. Working moms aren’t there for their families. They’re not creating healthy homes that make their families feel safe, loved and protected – and they’re definitely not “their kids’ parents.”

But if you ask Vanity Fair contributing editor and author of The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? Leslie Bennetts, she’ll passionately refute Dr Laura’s opinions. Bennetts argues that working moms are less depressed, more fulfilled, and more independent than stay-at-home moms. They also have higher self-esteem and less anxiety – though many working moms feel guilty for enjoying their paid jobs. Bennetts admits balancing work and family can be tricky, but the benefits outweigh the frustrations for most women.

For more info about the pros and cons of working and stay-at-home moms, click the book covers. And, read on for a few thoughts on the happiness levels of each situation…

Is Financial Dependence the “Real” Feminine Mistake?

In The Feminine Mistake, Leslie Bennetts says, “Choosing economic dependency is the classic feminine mistake. No matter what the reasons, it’s simply too risky to count on anyone else to support you over the long haul. In an era of disappearing pensions, threats to Social Security, high divorce rates, a volatile labor market, and attenuating life spans, the social safety net continues to erode as the needs grow – particularly for women, who are twice as likely as men to slide below the poverty line in their later years.”

Dr Laura responds: “Leslie Bennetts is paranoid about divorce, your spouse losing a job, and widowhood as though the only answer to that is ‘do not be at home, do not take care of your kids, do not be your husband’s girlfriend.’ Well, my answer to something horrible happening is find another way to deal with it if and when it does, rather than giving up on your family.” Dr Laura thinks working moms hurt families. To serve the world, you need to focus on raising kids to be decent citizens.

Thoughts on Happiness From Working and Stay-at-Home Moms

Determining whether working mothers are happier than stay-at-home moms depends on who you ask.

“Women don’t realize how infantilizing it is,” said Rachel Stein, who has a Harvard MBA and was the chief financial officer of a major corporation before she stayed home full-time. “I think they come upon that realization very gradually. If you give up your financial independence, you’ve lost the only exit there was. The work is not just a paycheck; it’s an independent identity, separate friends, being with people who respect you. When you give that up, you’re totally at the mercy of your small family world; you’re totally dependent on it for feedback and rewards. And if that family world doesn’t give you the rewards you need, you’re trapped. If you have to ask your husband for money, you’re as trapped as if you were living in a trailer park, even if he’s worth a hundred million dollars; you just have prettier clothes. And if you have kids, you’re deathly afraid of ruining your children’s lives by breaking up the family unit.”

In contrast, a stay-at-home mom comments, “To me the best part of staying home is that I’ve blossomed as a person. Before, I worked 8-5, hurried to fix supper, do household stuff and collapse to rest for the next day. Now life is busy, but I get to do things I want to do, be with my kids, and participate more actively in my community. I volunteer with the Red Cross, participate in more activities with my church, and meet lots of new people with my children.”

Who Has Happier Children?

Some older children respect their working moms while others wish both their parents were more available. Some children see their working moms as role models and mentors while others need the emotional, social, and academic support their stay-at-home moms provide. Kids offer a huge range of responses to their mothers’ situations: respect, indifference, contempt, neglect, happiness, pride, bitterness, or relief – and sometimes a combination of it all.

“Statistically there’s no difference in the happiness levels of the children whose mothers work and the children whose mothers stay at home,” said law professor and working mother Linda Hirshman to ABC News. A child’s happiness depends on her age, temperament, maturity level, health, quality of childcare, and – perhaps most importantly – how happy and healthy her parents are.

A Season for Everything: Working, Staying Home, Going Back to Work?

“I have taken care of thousands of children from all sorts of backgrounds, and the one consistent thing in raising well-adjusted children was parents who were happy with their choices,” says a pediatrician in The Feminine Mistake.

This isn’t about “mommy wars” or whether Leslie Bennetts is wrong and Dr Laura Schlessinger is right or vice versa. It’s about making choices that best suit your passions, abilities, and options – and about respecting the choices that others make.

What do you think – are you happier as a stay-at-home or a working mom? I’d love to hear from you below!

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“A woman must not depend upon the protection of man, but must be taught to protect herself,” said Anthony.

A huge part of protecting yourself — and living your best life – is staying as emotionally and physically healthy as possible! One of my favorite books about women’s health is Dr Donnica Moore’s Women’s Health For Life – click the cover for info. And, read on for seven simple habits for healthy women…

7 Habits That Improve a Woman’s Life

1. Acknowledge your health issues. What aren’t you dealing with? Irregular periods, obesity, eating disorders, chronic headaches, depression, diabetes…these health issues affect your mind, soul, and spirit. Make it your goal to cope with whatever health struggles you haven’t yet acknowledged. Check in with your physical and emotional selves regularly: what emotions, relationships, or issues are you avoiding? What do you need to take care of to improve your life?

2. Stay on top of those health issues. I have ulcerative colitis, which is a pain in the tush (literally). But, when I take care of myself by ensuring I have enough medication, enough sleep, low stress levels, etc I feel far more empowered and healthy than if I ignore it. If you’re coping with a chronic illness, make sure you’re as proactive as possible. Don’t let it flare out of control – it could trigger other health issues.

3. Vary your daily routine. Changing the route you take to work, doing different types of exercises, taking new classes, and meeting new people are simple habits that improve your brain health and increase energy levels. The more you shake things up, the happier and more invigorated you’ll feel…and the more adventures you’ll have!

4. Get your bike out of the garage. “Bicycling has done more to emancipate women than any one thing in the world,” said Susan B. Anthony. “It gives her a feeling of self-reliance and independence the moment she takes her seat; and away she goes, the picture of untrammelled womanhood.” This woman’s activist promoted cycling as a source of emotional health; and you know that the benefits of exercise extend far beyond independence and self-reliance! It’s not just about losing that last 10 pounds – it’s about feeling strong, fit, and healthy. Exercise boosts your self-confidence and self-esteem, which will help you be a successful woman.

5. Hit the sack at the same time every night. This simple habit is one of my favorite ways to stay healthy. If I don’t get enough sleep, I’m less productive, less satisfied at work and home, more likely to gain weight, and less interested in being physically intimate with my husband. Make sure you get enough sleep, and try and keep your sleep schedule consistent. This is not the time to “vary your daily routine” – healthy women simply have to get enough sleep.

6. Take a whiff of happiness. Peppermint, lavender, orange, and jasmine essential oils are energizing and mood enhancing. Improving your life isn’t always about making big changes, my friends…it’s about incorporating small, healthy habits into your life. Just shake a few drops of a citrus scent on a handkerchief and take a few minutes mid-morning or mid-afternoon to enjoy the aroma.

7. Flow with the circumstances in your life…including your age. Said Susan B. Anthony: “The older I get, the greater power I seem to have to help the world; I am like a snowball-the further I am rolled, the more I gain.” Aging often brings self-confidence, security, and the ability to let go of the little things. Embrace your age, and remember that most highly successful women aren’t teenagers or even in their twenties! Truly admirable women are often older, more focused, and comfortable with their age.

Do you have any simple habits that make you a healthier woman?  I welcome your comments below…

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These three ways to cope with relationship abuse are inspired by quotations from Eleanor Roosevelt, who was a strong, successful woman in history.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face,” said Eleanor Roosevelt. “You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

What is the thing you think you can’t do? Instead of thinking you cannot…start thinking of how you can. Focus on how you want your life to be better, healthier, more whole. If you want to learn more about relationship abuse, click Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. And, here are three ways to break up with a toxic, addictive, unhealthy partner…

3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt

1. Get help — don’t leave an abusive partner on your own. “Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world,” said Eleanor Roosevelt. Even if you don’t feel like you’re surrounded by friends in the world – you need to reach out and connect! Many women are too afraid, embarrassed, ashamed, or confused to tell their friends or family about the abuse. This is one reason they stay in unhealthy relationships – because abusive partners isolate their girlfriends or wives. One of the first steps to breaking free from a bad relationship is rallying your troops: get help from a distress line, counselor, pastor, friends, family, coworkers, neighbors – anyone.

2. Connect with your higher power. “It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness,” said Eleanor Roosevelt. Whether you believe in God, Jesus, or a more abstract Guiding Force in the Universe – connect with your higher power. Stop fearing and cursing the darkness…and start lighting your candles. Journaling, meditation, prayer, and reading books about finding and following the healthiest part of yourself will help strengthen your connection to the voice within. Spiritual exercise is like physical exercise; it strengthens your body and your relationship with Something Greater Than Yourself – who wants the best for you. Connecting with your higher power will improve your emotional health.

3. Practice random acts of courage. “What looks courageous to one person may not look that way to another,” said Eleanor Roosevelt. “Every one of use gets to that for ourselves.” Everyone – not just women struggling with relationship abuse – lives with limiting beliefs and behaviors. These beliefs and behaviors stop us from creating our heart’s desire. Taking healthy risks allows us to step outside of those beliefs and behaviors, and helps us create the life we love. How can you be courageous today, even if you’re not quite ready to break up with your partner? Practice one little act of courage – you’ll feel better and happier about yourself…and your future.

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt. 

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First, here’s one of my favorite quotations, from author and poet Zora Neale Hurston:

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”

We’ll never have all the answers – or all the questions. Different years and stages of our lives bring different questions and answers…but if you believe in yourself throughout it all, you’ll be that much closer to making your dreams come true! To unleash the power of your subconscious mind, click Believe In Yourself. And, read on for ten ways to live up to your own potential…

6 Practical Ways to Believe in Yourself – Zora Neale Hurston

1. Work as if everything depends on you. “Sweat, sweat, sweat! Work and sweat, cry and sweat, pray and sweat!” said Hurston. To make your dreams come true, you have to work hard. And if you’re lucky, your work will be something you love – so it won’t feel like work at all. Have no fear: turning your hobby into a successful career may not be as difficult as you think!

2. Pray as if everything depends on God (or trust your Higher Source). Success isn’t a solo act, my friends. Success grows out of teamwork, relying on and helping others, and tapping into your highest source of power. Don’t get so wrapped up in pursuing your goals that you neglect your soul.

3. Be kind to yourself. This is my biggest weakness: I beat myself up for past mistakes, regrets, and flaws. But I know that I have to believe in myself to make my dreams come true…and part of believing in myself is being kind to myself. Can you make mistakes and move on? I believe that’s a huge part of living up to your potential.

4. Marvel at your magnificence! “Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry,” said Zora Neale Hurston. “It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.” She was a successful, strong woman in history because she truly believed in the value of her own company. Hurston not only saw her strengths, she celebrated them.

5. Surround yourself with successful women – but don’t compare yourself to them. You’re different than other women, and that’s better than okay! You are successful in different ways; you have different strengths and talents. To make your dreams come true and believe in yourself, you need to learn how women become successful – and then find and fill your own potential.

6. Don’t wait for other people to change. “Anybody depending on somebody else’s gods is depending on a fox not to eat chickens,” said Hurston. This reminds me of one of Wayne Dyer’s secrets of success: if you blame other people for the problems in your life, you have to wait for them to change before you can be happy. I love this, because I get so tired of hearing people complain about what other people did wrong, or what they did part way, or what they didn’t do at all! If you give your power away by blaming or waiting for others to change, then you don’t have the strength or power to make your own dreams come true. You do not believe in yourself if you are dependent on others.

Do you believe in yourself enough to make your dreams come true – to soar the way you thought you could?

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First, a word from Gloria Steinem:

“If the shoe doesn’t fit, must we change the foot?”

If your relationship doesn’t suit you, don’t fall into the trap of thinking you have to change! Sometimes the only thing that needs changing is your circumstances…and you have the power to make those changes. If you want to compare your boyfriend to others — it can be fun and healing – read What Was I Thinking?: 58 Bad Boyfriend Stories. And, here are a few tips on finding the strength and courage you need to start a new chapter in your life…

How to Find the Strength to Leave a Bad Relationship – Gloria Steinem

Deal with the fear that you’ll never be loved again. I’ve been stuck in bad relationships because I was scared nobody else would love me. I didn’t realize that there are plenty of good men who would love to love me, and who would be good for me! My self-esteem and self-confidence was rock bottom, and it held me back from moving on to bigger and better men. To leave your bad boyfriend, you need to build self-confidence.

Get rid of guilty feelings. Sometimes, women stay in bad relationships because they feel guilty, or don’t want to leave their boyfriends or husbands in a bad financial, emotional, or social situation. This is misplaced guilt and faulty reasoning! Don’t let negative emotions like fear of what people will think, fear of criticism, or guilt and shame keep you chained to a bad relationship.

Picture yourself a year from now. Where do you want to be living? What do you want to be doing? Who do you want to be loving – and who do you want loving you? Often, focusing on our goals – our wish list – can give us motivation and strength to do what we need to do…even if it involves letting go of someone we love.

Accept the help you need. Here’s a sobering thought from Gloria Steinem: “If women have young children, they are one man away from welfare.” But, accepting help from the government is far more preferable than staying in a bad relationship! When I was a kid, we were on the dole for huge portions of my childhood – and my mom was single, free, and independent (well, as independent as you can be when you rely on the state for support).

Start asking questions. “God may be in the details, but the goddess is in the questions,” said Steinem. “Once we begin to ask them, there’s no turning back.” Asking questions opens up new possibilities, new ways of thinking, new ways of being in the world!

Questions to ask yourself about life:

• Who am I now…and who do I want to become?
• If not now, when?
• Who do I admire?
• What did I want my life to be like when I was young, naïve, idealistic, passionate?

Questions to ask yourself about bad boyfriends:

• What am I getting out of this relationship, which I know is bad for me?
• Who is watching me in this relationship – my kids, nieces, neighbors, family members, friends? What are they learning about me, about life?
• What would I do about this relationship if I knew I would not fail?

You don’t need to know the answers to these questions right now. Just sit with them, let them simmer in the back of your mind. One day, you’ll be ready to make a decision to be strong and leave your partner…or be strong in a different way, and stay.

One last quotation from Gloria Steinem:

“A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.”

Are you in a bad relationship, struggling to find the strength to leave? I encourage you to listen to your gut and your brain, and do what it takes to create a life that makes you happy and fulfilled.

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Related posts:

1. How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert
2. 3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt
3. 6 Ways to Find the Courage to End a Relationship – Nicole Kidman