Fast forward 10 more years, I went back to school, got a job, and have enjoyed focusing on growing my career. However, in the last 5years we average sex/intimacy once or twice a year. He has gained a lot of weight, now weighs close to 400 pounds, he was 220 when we married. I weigh 130. He won’t diet or exercise, even though the doctor told him he is going to drop dead very soon of Metabolic disorder. I’ve begged him to get healthy for the kids’ sake, for our marriage sake, etc., He promises to try, tries for a day or two, but then falls back into complacency.
I’m no longer attracted to him, even though I think I would be, had we not had all those intimacy issues all along. If we had a stronger foundation of love and connection through intimacy that a marriage requires, however, now I resent that this weight he has added is just another layer of defense against me, a wall to keep me from what I need from him. I truly loved this man, with everything in me, so much that I’ve sacrificed my needs for years to meet his marital expectations, I’ve given, but I don’t receive. I am not the same woman, I used to be full of life and playfulness, I was a sexy, fun, wife that totally adored him, until each incident of rejection slowly broke my spirit, and now my heart for him.

I tell myself that I stay here for the children, youngest two girls are 12 and 16, (son is in college) except that more recently, aren’t my hopelessness, loneliness and depression/constant crying etc., defeating my intention of giving the girls a secure healthy family life by staying together?

I’ve talked to him about all of this, he doesn’t want me to leave, loves me, but yet he can’t seem to be able to put any effort into the relationship at all. I feel like I’ve done my fair share of change/work/compromise, I know all the advice that tells you to fix your marriage – first fix yourself.

Why do we women take the burden of guilt for failed relationships, and try everything in our power to make it work, when men can leave on a whim for a younger model, and it’s just the nature of the beast?

My husband who has always hugged me and said he never hides anything from me has now been caught as a liar. He doesn’t tell me his true feelings about things because he is scared that I’ll get mad at him (that’s what he says). He has a friend that is a girl and from the beginning he’s lied about her. He said that he had never liked her. I met her and knew he was lying so I confronted him and he admitted it. He told me that he met her while he was dating another girl. I asked if he had feelings for her while dating this other girl. He said no. I never accepted this answer because it felt wrong to me. I’ve asked him about it since and each time it’s been no. The other day I caught him with porn and he admitted that he’s been lying to me throughout our relationship whenever he is scared. He said that he would never lie to me again. The next day he finally told me that he’d been lying to me about the girl (whom he still friends with and we see often). He said he lied because he didn’t want me to discourage their friendship- that he wanted to keep being friends with her.
What kills me about this is that I feel he was protecting her over protecting me. That he valued his relationship with her more that protecting and valuing an honest relationship with me. Should I be worried about this girl? Whenever she gets a little wine in her she always brings up this trip she took with my husband before we met (they flirted but he was dating the other girl). It’s always bothered me.

I’m so sorry it took me so long to respond — I’ve been selling my old house, buying a new one, and moving — life has taken me away from my blogs! But I’m back.

First, I have to say congratulations and good for you for breaking up with your boyfriend. It takes courage and strength to leave a relationship (even if it’s a bad one).

Second, I encourage you to find a new church. I think you should start a new chapter of your life in a new spiritual community. Getting some distance from your boyfriend is one of the healthiest things you can do — you need time to heal without the wound being constantly re-opened. In six months or a year, maybe you’ll want to return to your church — and maybe you’ll be ready to see him without those uncomfortable feelings. But for now, I suggest focusing on healing without seeing him every week.

Third, remember that it takes time to let go of someone you’ve loved for years. Be patient with yourself, and focus on how meaningful and exciting your new life can be. And, let yourself grieve the end of your relationship. This article may help:

How to Let Go of Someone You Love

I hope this helps, and wish you all the best. Let me know how things are going!

Blessings,
Laurie

I think I reach a tipping point of success almost every single day! The start of my blogging journey began with writing for Suite101.com in October, 2006. That’s when I realized that I could earn a full-time income as a blogger.

Laurie