Questions
Do you have a question about being a successful woman, relationships, or life in general? Ask me here!
I’ll answer any legitimate question below, and I specialize in questions about building confidence, taking risks, taking action, trying new things, bouncing back from failure overcoming fear — the list goes on forever! Just don’t ask me to predict the future, because I just can’t reveal what I know 
Seriously, if you have any questions about life, women, spirituality, business, or relationships — here’s your chance.
I’ll do my best to answer within a week, either in the comments section below or in a fresh blog post (and I’ll paste the link here). But, it may take me longer than that…please be patient.
Virtually yours,
Laurie
30 Responses
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Hi Laurie,
i wonder if we can collaborate in our new start up business where we will put up an online dating site with a SERIOUS INTENT OF MARRIAGE based on “scientific matching systems’ like eharmony. But our focus is really towards finding a mate to marry not just dating because we believe in the sanctity of marriage.
So, i wonder if you can help us design a system of matching based on your experience as a psychology grad and expeience writer.
thanks and hoping for your favorable response.
Tan Balili
I truly want to stay married, we have been married 21 years, three children together, I’m 40, he’s 44. We’ve built a beautiful home, have loving and close extended family, and we get along fine, we’re great parents together, agree on most things, don’t fight about money, etc., It’s not been easy, but he’s not abusive in any way. From the beginning he denied me affection and intimacy. It started from day one, no sex on our wedding night, not hugging me back, not letting me kiss him when he came home from work, etc., and it has been a struggle with sexual rejection ever since. I put my needs aside to be sympathetic, and believed he was overworked, stressed, tired, etc., then one night (10 years into our marriage) I got out of bed to get Tylenol for my headache (I had been crying, he stayed up watching late night TV) I walked in on him masturbating. On conversation, he admitted to doing it frequently to relieve stress. I was traumatized, went to counseling for a while, he wouldn’t go, too embarrassed. He made promises to give me his affections,etc., we reconnected and recovered, but eventually those promises faded.
Fast forward 10 more years, I went back to school, got a job, and have enjoyed focusing on growing my career. However, in the last 5years we average sex/intimacy once or twice a year. He has gained a lot of weight, now weighs close to 400 pounds, he was 220 when we married. I weigh 130. He won’t diet or exercise, even though the doctor told him he is going to drop dead very soon of Metabolic disorder. I’ve begged him to get healthy for the kids’ sake, for our marriage sake, etc., He promises to try, tries for a day or two, but then falls back into complacency.
I’m no longer attracted to him, even though I think I would be, had we not had all those intimacy issues all along. If we had a stronger foundation of love and connection through intimacy that a marriage requires, however, now I resent that this weight he has added is just another layer of defense against me, a wall to keep me from what I need from him. I truly loved this man, with everything in me, so much that I’ve sacrificed my needs for years to meet his marital expectations, I’ve given, but I don’t receive. I am not the same woman, I used to be full of life and playfulness, I was a sexy, fun, wife that totally adored him, until each incident of rejection slowly broke my spirit, and now my heart for him.
I tell myself that I stay here for the children, youngest two girls are 12 and 16, (son is in college) except that more recently, aren’t my hopelessness, loneliness and depression/constant crying etc., defeating my intention of giving the girls a secure healthy family life by staying together?
I’ve talked to him about all of this, he doesn’t want me to leave, loves me, but yet he can’t seem to be able to put any effort into the relationship at all. I feel like I’ve done my fair share of change/work/compromise, I know all the advice that tells you to fix your marriage – first fix yourself.
Why do we women take the burden of guilt for failed relationships, and try everything in our power to make it work, when men can leave on a whim for a younger model, and it’s just the nature of the beast?
Laurie,
My husband who has always hugged me and said he never hides anything from me has now been caught as a liar. He doesn’t tell me his true feelings about things because he is scared that I’ll get mad at him (that’s what he says). He has a friend that is a girl and from the beginning he’s lied about her. He said that he had never liked her. I met her and knew he was lying so I confronted him and he admitted it. He told me that he met her while he was dating another girl. I asked if he had feelings for her while dating this other girl. He said no. I never accepted this answer because it felt wrong to me. I’ve asked him about it since and each time it’s been no. The other day I caught him with porn and he admitted that he’s been lying to me throughout our relationship whenever he is scared. He said that he would never lie to me again. The next day he finally told me that he’d been lying to me about the girl (whom he still friends with and we see often). He said he lied because he didn’t want me to discourage their friendship- that he wanted to keep being friends with her.
What kills me about this is that I feel he was protecting her over protecting me. That he valued his relationship with her more that protecting and valuing an honest relationship with me. Should I be worried about this girl? Whenever she gets a little wine in her she always brings up this trip she took with my husband before we met (they flirted but he was dating the other girl). It’s always bothered me.
Hi Wendy!
I’m filming a documentary TV show about behavioral addictions. I came across your article on MSN Health and wanted to know if I could speak with you to learn more about this topic. If you are interested, please email me. Looking forward to hearing from you!
Thanks,
Jim
Hi Laurie, Nice site. I am in the same line of work- see my blogs under the dialogue tab at goodcleanlove.com. I also host a radio show on LA talk radio called Lunch with the Loveologist on Weds from 12-1 pm pst. I would love to interview you and ask you about your writing and inspiration.
Let me know.
best,
Wendy
Dear Bethany,
I’m so sorry it took me so long to respond — I’ve been selling my old house, buying a new one, and moving — life has taken me away from my blogs! But I’m back.
First, I have to say congratulations and good for you for breaking up with your boyfriend. It takes courage and strength to leave a relationship (even if it’s a bad one).
Second, I encourage you to find a new church. I think you should start a new chapter of your life in a new spiritual community. Getting some distance from your boyfriend is one of the healthiest things you can do — you need time to heal without the wound being constantly re-opened. In six months or a year, maybe you’ll want to return to your church — and maybe you’ll be ready to see him without those uncomfortable feelings. But for now, I suggest focusing on healing without seeing him every week.
Third, remember that it takes time to let go of someone you’ve loved for years. Be patient with yourself, and focus on how meaningful and exciting your new life can be. And, let yourself grieve the end of your relationship. This article may help:
How to Let Go of Someone You Love
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best. Let me know how things are going!
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie,
I hope you can give me some advice. I recently broke up with my emotionally abusive, controlling boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. There will be times when I feel extremely blessed just to be out of the relationship, but then other times when I feel like I can’t go on without him. I haven’t gone back to him, however, we go to the same church so I have to see him pretty much every Sunday and occasionally on Fridays. Every time I see him I feel nervous, uncomfortable, and not myself. What do I do to get over these feelings when I see him? I want him to just be another guy, not the guy I wish I had back. Any suggestions or advice I’d appreciate. Thank you.
Hi Laurie,
I went yesterday to the doctor and they dignosed depression. I don’t know what type of of depression because i forgot to ask. The doctor prescribe me some medicines. But I don’t know how to tell my mom. She is going through a tuff time with my little brother who also has depression. It has been really hard on her. I don’t if i should tell her now or later when my brother gets better. What do you advice me?
Hi Brandi,
I think I reach a tipping point of success almost every single day! The start of my blogging journey began with writing for Suite101.com in October, 2006. That’s when I realized that I could earn a full-time income as a blogger.
Laurie
What pointed you towards your blogging path? What was your tipping point of success?
Dear Mica,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re not able to work, and that the vertigo is so bad. I hope your doctor can help treat it…have you tried going to a naturopathic doctor? Sometimes complementary medicine can help when conventional medicine can’t.
Regarding books: I LOVE Rachel Naomi Remen’s Kitchen Table Wisdom (the link is in the right column of this webpage). It’s an amazing book about recovering from physical and emotional illness, and it helped me cope with my ulcerative colitis! I also suggest Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach — heck, all the books in the column are ones I recommend, because I think so highly of them. They’re all about moving forward in life, and being happier and more fulfilled.
I also encourage you to join a support group of some kind. Women heal much more quickly when they feel supported, and when they can support other women. Call social services or the government organizations in your area, and ask if there are any free support groups for women.
I wish you all the best, and hope you stay in touch!
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear me,
My best advice is for you to call a distress line or counselor as soon as possible! You’re dealing with serious relationship and emotional issues, and you need in-person support and guidance. Depression is a serious illness when it’s not treated…so please call a doctor or counselor right away. Even a distress line would help you immensely.
Please call, and let me know how it goes!
Laurie
Dear Legal Eagle,
It sounds like you’re on the verge of a whole new life — congratulations! It’s a scary time, but you’re building something amazing for you and your son.
You need to follow your heart and your gut on this one…but I have to say that if I were you, I’d lean towards taking a job at a law firm, to get professional experience, network with other lawyers, and even start meeting potential future clients. You need to create a nest for you and your son, and starting a business before you have a strong financial or social foundation might be tricky.
I understand that this may be the perfect time to strike out on your own, because you don’t have a job or other responsibilities. And maybe you’re right! But, I don’t think taking a job at a law firm will put you in those golden handcuffs. I think it’ll give you a solid footing, and the chance to learn how the law works in your city while you’re getting paid!
There’s nothing stopping you from taking a job for a year or two, and then quitting to start your own company when you’re ready.
But as I said, you really need to follow your gut. You know things that I don’t know, and if your instincts are telling you that now’s the time, then maybe it is.
Keep me posted; I’d love to hear what you decide!
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
I recently read your article on Ways to get Unstuck and Move Forward. Do you have more book suggestions primarily on moving forward from a health issue. I have been dealing with severe vertigo/dizziness the last couple of years and I’m not sure how to live my life anymore. I no longer work and am severely debilitated from completing even simple tasks. Any book suggestions you can provide that lists things I can do specifically to move forward, I’d really appreciate.
hi ms. laurie,
i know why my husband he doesnt want to move closer to my mom because i was unfaithful with my really close relative of mine. He is so mad about it that he wants to have revenge on my relative. He is threating to tell my mom i feel that my mom will never forgive me. and that i will never get to see her again or get her trust back. he says if he does move back what is he going to tell my mom or my family when they invite us to parties and my relative he is going to be there. i really dont know what is he going to get out of it by telling my mom. My husband is felling really bad because i have depression but he doesnt understand that if he tells my mom i am going to be mor in depression. right now i feel like killing myself with some pills and get over with my miserable life. so now i am currently staying in my moms house because i told him it will make me feel better because of the depression. But i still feelmiserable because my mom pressures me and he does to. But the problem is that i stilll love my husband and i want to be with him.
Hello,
I have a rather unique situation – 18 mos. ago my 10 wk old son and I fled an emotionally abusive relationship on the West Coast and moved back in with my parents in the South. I’m an attorney (proof that these things can happen to anyone), and I passed the bar exam in my home state a few months ago. It’s been my dream since law school to start my own practice, and I see that this may be the perfect time to do it – I don’t have the golden handcuffs, and my parents watch my son and I can go at my own pace. However, my parents hate each other and fight all the time (now you know how I ended up in my relationship in the first place, and I take my son out for the day if I sense things getting tense), and I don’t get along with my mom at all. I don’t have enough money to move out unless I get a job at a firm (I’m still job hunting), but I feel that once I get a job and I start paying for school and all that stuff, I’ll be too encumbered to start out on my own…on the other hand, I would love for my child and I to just get our own place and be able to afford to send him to preschool. I know I have the ability and resiliance to work for myself, but I don’t want to endanger the mental health and happiness of my son – that’s paramount. By the way, my parents treat my son like gold, so there’s no danger of them treating him badly.
Dear me,
I’m sorry this relationship didn’t work out for you — it’s sad when love doesn’t turn out the way we hope.
My first suggestion is for you to move home until you can support yourself financially. The sooner you become financially independent — and stay that way no matter who you live with — the happier and healthier you’ll be! If you can’t live with your mom, then stay with a family member or friend for a few weeks or months.
My second suggestion is to call a women’s support line or help line in your area, and your mom’s area. They may have options for women in your situation. At the very least, they can give you the in-person support you need as you start a new life.
What do you think of these possibilities?
Laurie
HI Laurie,
I was 19 years old when i runned away with my boyfriend. HE is a 8 yrs older than me. We use to live in the same house. HE was the brother of my stepfather. We got to know each more than friends. i decide to tell my mom she got very upset. She told him ” i cant believe you betrayed me like that and with my daughter”. So we decided to run away and we drove 13 hrs away from home. Now i am 22 yrs old and my mother is ok with the relationship but only that she wants us to move closer to home. i have insisted for 3 yrs for us to move at least 1 or 2 hrs away from home but he doesnt want to.
While i was dating (as a boyfriend before we ran away from home) him i was unfaithful to him with his friend.(only once) Now hes
threating to tell my family. he is manipulating my life.
i want to separate from him but i am scared i am not going to be able to pay the bills. ( OH, we dont have kids)
i dont know what to do??
I dont know what to do?
@ Dhf : Im in the same situation…but husbands is with sports team. ( so we move in the Spring then again the Fall)
If we had enough money to buy in Calif. ( our home state ) things might be easier. I too have no idea what to do with my entrepreneurial life since the focus is my husbands work. This year and last I have been traveling with him. Right now we are trying to decide how to live on a small budget without me working and traveling with him yet part of me would rather settle home and visit. I think my hub is the high maintenance type.
We love each other so being apart 3 weeks a month is hard to imagine. Im also feeling the pressure that I should be working for the sake of retirement funds and so on. Its hard not knowing where you will be every year so we are actually considering a RV…thats a job all in itself and maybe not the most economical.
At least Military you have your housing and they take care of you guys. I would suggest relaxing more and visit meetup.com for what city your in, more so get involved with things on base – Im sure there are other wives in the same boat.
You can do it!
Moving is hard…and yes, go to classes.
Dear Dhf,
Two of my favorite books for women are in the upper right hand column: “This is Not the Life I Ordered” and “Simple Abundance” (the pink one).
Those are amazing — AMAZING — books because they encourage women to figure out who they really are and what they really want out of life. They’re all about authenticity, self-awareness, passion, and growth.
I encourage you to read those books, and others like them. Books like that often have thought-provoking exercises to do, and I hope you don’t just read those exercises without actually doing them (like I often do!). For instance, an exercise might be to write down the way you want your life to be in five years. Instead of just thinking about that, DO it…those little things can make a big difference in the long run.
Also, try new things in your community. Take classes, join women’s groups, try a different type of exercise. Go away by yourself for the weekend. Go on a meditation retreat. Take a day-long course for self-improvement or self-confidence. Pay attention to what you like and what you don’t like, and honor your feelings.
I wish you all the best in your journey — make it a fun, exciting adventure of self-exploration and insight!
Let me know how things go, and what you discover
Laurie
I am married to a wonderful man for the past 19 years. The problem is he is in the military and we move every 2 years. I too was in the military but when we got together I gave up my career because at the time spouses where not stationed together. Over the years I have managed to get a Masters degree but any hope of a career is never within my reach because we are always moving. Now I find myself feeling trapped unable to remember the things that I once felt passionate about for myself(dreams, goals, etc.). I guess my question is how do I break out of this rut and reclaim a part of me?
Hi, Im.
I have a definite answer for you. These characteristics are of a controlling man. I know. I married such a man thinking it was OK since he said he loved me. Well, he didn’t love me and he did try to keep me away from friends and family. You will only have heartache, no matter what you do. Find someone who really loves you. You’ll know when it’s real love. Besides, you’re asking the right questions and you asked them because you already knew the answers. Be who you are, do what you most want to do in life and he’ll show up and you’ll find each other. God Bless.
hello, This Tonya i have a question is it wrong ?for a man to tell you if you dont lose weight we can’t get married. Or be togather and will let you meet who he feels will except you. And Keep you away from other people because he doesn’t want them to talk about you. Is this love? the guy puts you 1st and makes sure your happy and he bends over backwards for you . But tells you that you need to be medium built or else . oh and i once loss weight and gain half back and he wants me to marry him only if im medium built . Help
Jambo Laurie,
Yes I will keep in touch! I do not know Rosslyn Academy but from the net I see it is in Westlands. I often think about going back ot teach and wonder what that would be like.
Have a wonderful Day,
WhyTah
Wow, a friend from Nairobi….very cool. I taught at the Rosslyn Academy, an American school for missionary and ex-pat kids. I taught Grade 8 Language Arts and High School Journalism.
Keep in touch!
Hi Laurie,
Yep! I live in Vancouver! I have more in common with you than you know. I was born and raised in Nairobi! I also am a teacher. I wonder which school you taught at. No you are too young to have taught me! lol
Thanks for the link. I am going to ask some friends if they want to start a group. I’ll let you know what happens.
Hi whyTah,
You must live near or in Vancouver! Cool.
I belong to a writing group on Bowen Island, but I don’t know of any on the Lower Mainland. I suggest Googling “writing groups Vancouver” or whatever city you’re in, and seeing what comes up.
I also suggest asking at your local library or bookstore. Some libraries or bookstores have that info.
Another possibility is to start your own! I wrote an article about that — here’s the link:
Tips for Starting a Writing Group
I hope this helps…let me know what you find!
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
I was wondering if you ever have writing groups on the lower mainland? I would love to be a part of one!
Welcome, Cheryl!
I’m glad you found See Jane Soar, and I hope I see more of you here
Your first guess was right on: all my articles on this site are based on a successful or strong woman in history’s story, quotation, or experience….and the tips are mine. I’d love to have these amazing women write the inspirations themselves – wouldn’t that be cool? – but alas, it’s just me and my years of reading, writing, and researching.
Thanks for your good karma!
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
I found your site by accident, and what a gift! My question is in your articles such as the Queen Latifah one and the Alanis Morisette one, did they give the ten or five tips or did you come up with them with those women as inspirations? Such great wisdom either way; I’m just curious. I will be back to read more often.
Thank you for the site and best wishes,
Cheryl