5 Signs You’re a Toxic Female Friend – George Eliot
About friendship, George Eliot said:
“Perhaps the most delightful friendships are those in which there is much agreement, much disputation, and yet more personal liking.”
Good friends agree about lots of things – and, better yet, are able to disagree about lots of things. If you have a friend that you just aren’t clicking with, read Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships
If you have a toxic friend in your life, you might find Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez helpful. And, here are six ways to tell if you’re a toxic female friend…
Are You a Toxic Female Friend? – George Eliot
Five signs that you’re toxic…
You’re negative, and you can’t stop complaining. Do you hate your job, your ex-boyfriend, your mother, and your last vacation? Fine…but stop talking about it! Expressing your negative feelings is fine – good, even — but polluting the air with a nonstop monologue about how terrible your life is won’t help you make and keep lifelong friends.
You talk behind your friend’s back. You’re a toxic female friend if you share info about your friend, her habits, her work, her partner, or anything about her life. Gossip may feel good (and if you want to know why, read Is Gossip Good for You? – Barbara Walters) — but it just ain’t nice. And, it’ll destroy your friendship.
You don’t remember – or know – what’s happening in your friend’s life. How did your friend’s dad’s open heart surgery go? When is her birthday? How old are her kids? What does she want to be when she grows up? What’s her biggest struggle? You don’t know what’s going on in your friend’s life because you don’t ask. Or listen.
You give back-handed compliments. “I love your new haircut! It makes your face seem so slim.” I’m sure you’ve received “compliments” like this. If you find yourself making snide remarks (and let’s face it, ladies, we’ve all done it), cut yourself a piece of humble pie and apologize immediately. You could even explain why you were snippy (my grandma’s word) with your friend. This example of a toxic female friend is from Kelli Zink, host of CelebTV.com — and so is the next one…
You put your friend down in public. If you don’t save your criticisms for private discussions, then you may be the poison in a toxic female friendship. Sometimes we need to confront a friend’s bad behavior – but not in public (the same goes for married couples!).
You don’t call, you don’t write. This may not be a sign of a truly toxic friendship, but if you never reach out, then you’re not much of a friend. Being a good friend can involve a quick, simple “Hey – how are you? Haven’t talked in ages, was thinking about you today.” If you never think to call or email your friend, then you’re not carrying your end of the canoe, my friend.
You drain other people’s energy. Are you an energy vampire? This may be difficult to figure out on your own, but it’s a strong sign that you’re a toxic female friend. Energy vampires leave people feeling drained, depressed, and exhausted. They ignore boundaries and other people’s needs. Energy vampires can be “drama queens” — making the smallest incident a huge deal. If you’re an energy vampire…you’re also a toxic friend.
What have I missed about toxic female friendships? I’d love to hear your thoughts or questions below…
If you have wonderful friendships in your life, one way to celebrate them is to throw a Goddess party.
I know I’m a little late in commenting on this post, but reading all the comments has made me feel so much better about what I recently went through with my former best friend of 5 years. My situation is similar to Libby’s story – in fact, her story encouraged me to write this comment.
My friend and I went to the same university and ended becoming very fast friends and did everything together. When college was over we found jobs in field that are similar to each other, I went into blogging and content writing for websites and she works at a marketing firm where she handles blogging for that specific company – we’ve been roommates for the last 3 years as well. This is when the animosity started to ensue, and I became very depressed and felt very purposely shut out of her life.
I feel pretty confident in the fact that I was a very giving and loyal friend and soon noticed that she was taking advantage of that quality. For instance, she would invite all of out friends out and exclude me, but wouldn’t hesitate to call me to come pick her up from the bar at 2am because everyone was too drunk to drive home. This happened 7 times in a 2 month period until I finally realized what was going on and talked to her about it.
She denied everything and started accusing me of being a bad friend and not being there when I needed her. I don’t agree with this statement because even when all chaos ensued, I would have dropped anything to help her. However, it still made me feel really guilty until I realized the only reason I had a “pit in my stomach” is because I almost feared not being her friend. I hated the fact that somebody who was once like a sister to me was now acting like Regina George from Mean Girls. So I just put up with it in the hopes of remaining civil since we lived together.
Our last year of living together was a mix of emotions. When she would tell me about an amazing opportunity at work for her, I would congratulate her and try to talk to her about it. However, if I did the same, she would ridicule me and tell me to stop “bragging” about my job. She would also borrow things from me without permission, and when I asked if she borrowed them, she would deny it. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and just assume I had misplaced it. Until I went into her room one day (she had left her dog in there by accident and was scratching to get out) and found all of my missing things randomly scattered throughout her room. So, I took them back, never got an apology – she still swore up and down she didn’t take anything. I just let it slide because I didn’t want to cause a fight.
Then, within the last 3 months of us living together, things went to the extreme. I think at this point, I had already “checked out” of the friendship but didn’t want to burn bridges since we have a lot of the same friends. Someone had started posting nasty comments to my all of my articles under the name “Anonymous.” At first I shrugged it off until I saw that all of the comments were coming from the same email address – which triggered me to investigate who did it. All of the nasty comments came from her. I found this to be unacceptable and way over the line since she was commenting on my professional pieces that were on site that had a lot of readers. The comments weren’t even about the article itself… they were attacking the author every single time about me being inept and unqualified to write for certain industries.
All the while she was doing this, she was still asking for my advice, favors from me, etc. I felt like an idiot and realized that I really needed to stand up for myself this time so I confronted her. Instead of apologizing for what she did and almost costing me my job, she justified what she did by calling me a liar, pathetic, a bad friend and a terrible writer. The latter may be true, but I know the first three to be false.
I knew in this situation that I could either stoop to her level or rise above it. Instead of calling her out on the things I mentioned previously in this comment (and trust me, there are more stories that I just don’t feel comfortable talking about) I just said that I was done. I didn’t want to be friends anymore and I wish her the best of luck in her future endeavors. She continued to send back nasty texts about personal things she accused me of lying about and my capabilities of taking care of myself and my pet. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a responsible and loving pet owner – I put her before myself 100% of the time. It was those comments that made me realize I hadn’t done anything to her – she was just being mean and demeaning. She was losing “control” of the “friendship” and didn’t like that I was standing up for myself – so she was trying to find anything that would break me down. Instead, I just deleted any messages she sent, never responded to any of them and deleted her from everything in my social life. I didn’t need this toxicity in my life because it was starting to affect how I felt about myself – I knew I just needed to cut ties and move on.
I thought I was alone on this, but when people heard of the demise of our friendship, they reached out and told me their stories about her which made me feel a little better – not as attacked, I suppose. It was nice knowing that our mutual friends supported my decision and were proud of me for doing so.
This whole time, I allowed my fear of her to get the best of me and I wish I had never allowed someone to make me feel so inferior. Why? Because right now, I have never felt better about life or better about myself. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I now have the time to invest in those who truly care about me. Life is good!!!
WOW… reading the comments after the article… I can put some “friendships” into perspective. I thought I was the one with the problem (people pleaser). My dear friend (she calls me her best friend) and I worked together for 3 years; different buildings. We were all laid off; I was offered another position and even though I would have been good at the position, she would be exceptional… I told the prospective boss… “you think I would be perfect, you need to meet so-and-so”. He subsequently hired her (she has a family she’s supporting; husb sporadic general building contractor; I’m alone). A month later I secured another positon (much less pay) in the same building. This new position now included a horrendous traffic-wise commute. She was taking public transp and I drove in… because she has every possible ache and pain (mostly due to weight issues)… once is a while, if she wasn’t late, I offered her a ride home (we live in the same town, however it’s huge and spread out; additional 30 minutes to the horrible commute. All the way home she ranted and complained about her job. Or, she ranted and raved about her medical issues. Or, she ranted and B’d about her husband and kids.
I was laid off again Dec 22 2012 (nice, eh?). She’s still working. During my search I’d send her emails off and on until finally she said she didn’t have time to read them! A week ago, her sister died (after a long illness that I’d heard about … her digust over the sister’s lifestyle causing same). I saw it mentioned (of all places) on FB by her daughter… I contacted her daughter (she’s 33, still living at home) expressing my condolences… said would send mom a card etc. Daughter says… “we wondered what happened to you; where have you been… you don’t call or come by; thought maybe you were SICK or something? Really? Really? That is when I had it… I didn’t snap at the daughter, but I did when I hung up… at MYSELF… Reading the toxic friendship list has really really helped me understand, there are just self-centered people in this world… got to love them or leave them. Sorry about the length of this (and believe me, it’s a long story short). I am SO thankful I found this site, through another … Prancing Kittens via Lisa Lamont… women standing by women… THAT is the way I want this season of my life to proceed; I’ll be reading most of the articles you’ve listed. Thanks again for listening… Fondly… Ruth
OMG! I never realized how toxic i can be! This was an EYE OPENER and I’m going to work on that immediately!
Hi,
I am looking into frenemy. The passive-agressive part has really been a part of the “friendship”.
I realize now i have taken this kind of abuse over the years that i didn’t recognize it. I didn’t do anything to deserve being made to feel i was less then a good friend/person. Since i have a very giving nature and try to please i see now how i allowed behavior to continue without calling her on it. As i’ve been able to read more on this and have gone to therapy i am standing up for myself.
One of the hard parts was i worked with this person so if i didn’t do something she wanted outside of work then i paid for it with looks and snippy comments.
I moved to a different city and work in a different place now and i am so amazed how much better i feel. I also am able to stand up to her without the backlash of being in the same office.
I am greatful for others writing and sharing about this. Its really helped to know i wasn’t going insane.
I’m learning how to set boundries also. To think if i want to do something instead of just thinking of the others wants and needs and not mine.
Its amazing to me that we don’t have more info on these issues growing up. Instead we stumble and bumble till we get help or someone comes into your life who helps you see it from a different perspective.
I’m so glad that the hope is there to live a more full life and not be drained by others who claim to be a friend.
Hi Libby,
Thanks for taking the time to comment — it definitely sounds like your friendship isn’t “give and take”!
And, it’s great that you’re recognizing your own tendency to be a people pleaser. Needing to please can make us stay friends with the most toxic of people, which isn’t good in the long run. But, it sure is easier in the short run.
Have you heard of the term “frenemy”? That’s a merging of “friend” and “enemy” — some friends aren’t all-out enemies, but they certainly aren’t all-out friends, either! Frenemies are toxic.
Anyway, I’m glad you commented and I wish you all the best with your “friend.”
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Love Relationship Advice – How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity =-.
Hi,
I have been looking into more info on toxic friends. This was a good article. I wanted to add to the when someone doesn’t call/listen. I have delt with someone who likes to remind me of when she called last. To me when i hear this it shuts me down. She doesn’t remember that i tried to call her back or that i have alot going on and do the best i can. She likes to act like she’s perfect in this sense. I used to take an hour to 2 each night to talk to her about her life. When it came to mine i learned to keep it short b/c her comments where short. I started learning it didn’t matter what advice i tried to share or how much time i spent it wasn’t enough. I have tried to grow and understand being a pleaser person and low self esteem can pull me into trying to please women in my life. Anyhow i just appriciate knowing that their are others out there that deal with people who are friends but unless you do what they want its a battle.
Thanks!
Hi uhoh,
One of the best ways to improve anything — toxic female friend or not — is to be aware of it, so you’re on your way!
Yes, improving the situation will definitely help you have better interactions with your close friend and boyfriend. And, remember that part of any relationship is supporting each other through the bad AND good. So, you’re allowed to vent and complain sometimes! That’s part of life, and of being good friends and partners.
Good luck, and I hope you can improve your situation at work with your boss…
Laurie
.-= Laurie PK´s last blog post..Invited to a Potluck on Turkey Day? Thanksgiving Dinner Ideas =-.
I feel i’ve been draining other people’s energy in ways that i’d like to improve. I have this awful job for a crazy boss–and i don’t mean that lightly since I don’t tend to hate on people just for being an authority figure. but i always vent to my boyfriend and close friend about it, and then chastise myself afterwards because i know it’s bad for those relationships. the only answer is to improve the situation that is causing me to complain and suck other peoples energy.
Thanks for stopping by, Jess! I like your idea of a future article, and I agree that your title needs a little streamlining
How about: Letting Go of Toxic Habits, or How to Let Go of Old Relationships. Either way, I’d be happy to write it and post the link here…I’ll work on it and have it up by the end of the week!
Laurie
.-= Laurie PK´s last blog post..Coping With Negative Coworkers Who Drain Your Energy – Anais Nin =-.
Laurie,
I just happened upon your blog today…really interesting posts! I especially like this one and the one about others that are toxic to you. I know these things, but I am trying to figure out WHY even when I know a friendship is toxic and I want out (not that this happens a lot…) I still analyze the relationship to death, ad nauseam!!!
So, how’s this for a future article…”why do I care if that person doesn’t want to be me friend when I don’t like them or like being around them” Whew, long title, maybe you can streamline it!!
thanks,I enjoy your articles very much, Jess
I’m glad to be here, Laurie.
Thank you so much for being glad to hear from me, even when I’m wailing and gnashing my teeth.
I think I need to go read “Tips for Taming (My) Inner Critic”
Sandra
Sandra, I’m always glad to hear from you, even when you’re venting about weight loss!
I especially like to hear women vent; it’s good for the mind, body and soul.
I think we’re all toxic female friends at times, and very few of us are toxic ALL the time. I have no doubt that you’re fun, interesting, and sensitive — because I’ve seen you that way here, on See Jane Soar.
It must be more difficult when you’re battling depression. It’s hard to be a great friend at the best of times, much less when you’re struggling with your own moods and negative feelings. I heard one woman describe depression as a “nagging, negative tape playing constantly.” How can you be positive and uplifting when you’re struggling with that?
I totally agree — some friends just don’t mix well. Some people just don’t have chemistry together. With some friends, I could talk forever. And others, I struggle to get past “Hi, how are you?”
Thanks for being here and commenting, Sandra!
Laurie
.-= Laurie PK´s last blog post..5 Tips for Taming Your Inner Critic =-.
Yes, I can be the toxic female friend. I battle depression and so being the one who is down and often needing to vent is an issue. I am forgetful about special dates as well. I have tried several things to help, but usually the only thing that works is a reminder that gets sent to one of my emails.
I might give back-handed compliments, but not on purpose. More often I just word things poorly, coming off sounding negative when I thought I was sounding positive.
On the other hand, I have been told I am often fun, interesting, sensitive and caring. I have many online friends and a few offline ones that tell me they feel blessed to have me as a friend, so I can’t be too toxic.
I think sometimes it is the mix of the two people that is toxic. I’ve known people who were toxic to me that have had wonderful, long lasting friendships with other people.
I am working on myself. I’m more aware of my shortcomings than I used to be.
Thank you, Laurie, for this wonderful blog!
Sandra