3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt
These three ways to cope with relationship abuse are inspired by quotations from Eleanor Roosevelt, who was a strong, successful woman in history.
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face,” said Eleanor Roosevelt. “You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
What is the thing you think you can’t do? Instead of thinking you cannot…start thinking of how you can. Focus on how you want your life to be better, healthier, more whole. If you want to learn more about relationship abuse, click Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. And, here are three ways to break up with a toxic, addictive, unhealthy partner…
3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind – Eleanor Roosevelt
1. Get help — don’t leave an abusive partner on your own. “Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world,” said Eleanor Roosevelt. Even if you don’t feel like you’re surrounded by friends in the world – you need to reach out and connect! Many women are too afraid, embarrassed, ashamed, or confused to tell their friends or family about the abuse. This is one reason they stay in unhealthy relationships – because abusive partners isolate their girlfriends or wives. One of the first steps to breaking free from a bad relationship is rallying your troops: get help from a distress line, counselor, pastor, friends, family, coworkers, neighbors – anyone.
2. Connect with your higher power. “It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness,” said Eleanor Roosevelt. Whether you believe in God, Jesus, or a more abstract Guiding Force in the Universe – connect with your higher power. Stop fearing and cursing the darkness…and start lighting your candles. Journaling, meditation, prayer, and reading books about finding and following the healthiest part of yourself will help strengthen your connection to the voice within. Spiritual exercise is like physical exercise; it strengthens your body and your relationship with Something Greater Than Yourself – who wants the best for you. Connecting with your higher power will improve your emotional health.
3. Practice random acts of courage. “What looks courageous to one person may not look that way to another,” said Eleanor Roosevelt. “Every one of use gets to that for ourselves.” Everyone – not just women struggling with relationship abuse – lives with limiting beliefs and behaviors. These beliefs and behaviors stop us from creating our heart’s desire. Taking healthy risks allows us to step outside of those beliefs and behaviors, and helps us create the life we love. How can you be courageous today, even if you’re not quite ready to break up with your partner? Practice one little act of courage – you’ll feel better and happier about yourself…and your future.
“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt.
Related posts:
Hi, just wanted to update on this site that i have posted on when i was just out of an abusive relationship.
Im happy to report that i stayed out and am happier than i have ever been in my whole life. I worked on myself, and my reasons why i was allowing myself to be emotionally abused. Thats the answer. work on yourself. be selfish, be focused on you.
I met a man, kept him at arms length and gradually let him in when he could be 100% trusted. I was perfectly happy without a man beore this. we are now to be married in 2 weeks. Wow! whata turnaround of life. I done it, so can you. Jackie.
i am a young 20 year old who doesn’t have family nor any friends but what i do have in my life is a beautiful daughter and baby father which whom i stay with i t’s hard for me to gain self confidence and to believe i can be a successful young lady but though i know i have a long life ahead of me but i just don’t know were to start he constantly treats me wrong and at times i’m invisible and i have no one else to turn to someone please give me some helpful are spiritual advice of ways to cope with a abuser that does nothing but treat me wrong
i was in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship for 6 months. the warning signs were ever so slight but they all added up and realized 2 weeks ago that this man was a narcissist and a manipulator. i left with a safety plan.
way to go to everyone on here for being your own best friend. nobody is in your relationship but you and therefore YOU must save yourself. confide in people you trust and ask for the support you need when you are planning your exit. safety is paramount…
My warning signs:
* within weeks of meeting he was buying me wedding magazines…he’s trying to make you believe he is a good man and wants to marry you. DONT BUY INTO IT… ITS A TRICK.
* he appeared to be highly romantic, no flaws, his life was perfect and everyone around him was perfect… he wants you to think that he has no emotional problems and that everyone loves him DON’T BUY INTO IT… ITS A TRICK
* he met my family immediately and was incredibly charming, this behavior he showed to any close friends i introduced him to… he wants to charm your family so that when you come back to them with questions about his behavior and abuse they won’t understand because they have seen the charm he needs to show them in order to keep abusing you…. DON’T BUY INTO IT … IT’S A TRICK.
* he began to make small requests about people in my life old friends close or not and didn’t want me to keep in contact with them he gave me reasons that he didn’t trust them with me… he is an insecure person, he is obsessed with control and knowing everything about you- especially your vulnerable qualities, he will then manipulate you into believing that he is requesting this for “the safety of the relationship” …. DON’T BUY INTO IT… IT’S A TRICK.
* he became verbally threatening and used language that nobody close to me who loved me would ever use… once he feels he has you in his grasp things will only get worse. His language and anger would dissipate followed by extreme remorse and romance and fake love… he blames you for the outburst and that all he wants is to make you happy and give you everything… DON’T BUY INTO IT… ITS A TRICK.
* he wanted us to move in together almost immediately, he began looking for apartments and made it appear as if it was all about making a life together and “us being happy”… living with you is key to his breaking down of you, he can monitor you, try to manipulate you to giving up your finances, show his aggression in a place where he has you in a cage with no where to go… GET OUT !!
My story is the same as everyone’s ************* these people are predators of the mind****************** You must trust yourself and speak to people you trust early on to check in with “what is normal” take mental notes.
Keep in mind he is always trying to keep your head fuzzy… you are either up in the clouds with him or he has dragged you into hell and you can’t even figure out what for???????? this is the cycle of abuse. The sooner you recognize it the better chances of getting out early. Once marriage and children are involved he has you trapped ( or so he thinks ) that’s why he will either try to marry you right away or get you pregnant.
I am incredibly grateful to my family and close friends. When i realized the abuse, which happened when i was away from him for a few days under his belief that i needed to spend some time with my family was when i became very clear that what was happening was ” abuse ” When i revealed the behavior to my family they believed me immediately and helped me exit the relationship safely…
IT IS VITAL TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP SAFELY. what does this mean? he must not have any inclination you are planning to leave. This will cause him to try to use any manipulation he has, or even violence in order to keep you from leaving. His behaviour will only get worse if he knows you are leaving.
Steps to leaving safely:
1. Confide in people closest to you that you trust. Family, close friends… keep in mind that he has manipulated them to some extent so if they do not believe you, find someone who does !! Contact the womens shelter, distress centre, call 911 and tell them you need somewhere to go because you are leaving an abusive relationship. Sometimes in crisis strangers can give you the best advice for help. They have no bias.
2. Determine a time of day that the abuser isn’t home if you live with them. Once you know he has left and he feels ” all is well with you @ home ” get any personal belongings and get out.
3. If you are getting help from a friend, ask them to contact a friend of theirs that neither you or your abuser knows. Stay with them until you have made your next plan. Get the police involved immediately. Fill out an information report stating the nature of the abuse and fear for your safety. This will help you start the legal process to protect yourself.
DO NOT MAKE ANY CONTACT WITH ANYONE THAT YOU OR THE ABUSER KNOWS.
He will go through every contact he knows trying to locate you. The friend that has helped you can then tell them that they don’t know where you are either… you are safe. He will call you, text you, threaten you or try to charm you back. DON’T BUY INTO IT… IT’S A TRICK.
His behaviour will not change… you are now in control, this will scare him but you are saving yourself so stay strong and be still in your pride that you got out. Stay away from any of the areas you would go with him, he will begin frequenting them hoping to see you there. Change your routine, let your work know what is going on, quit your job if you have to- this is about your life and safety. Money comes and goes but you don’t !!!
Find counselling immediately. Google: womens shelters (in your city) and access the support you need to stay out. Abusive people will not change !!! You will go through a process of “de-compression” with counselling. One minute your mind will try to say he’s not a bad guy, the next minute you will feel rage. This is normal, you have left a relationship where your mind was played with. That is abuse.
To help you see the abuse, write down on a piece of paper… the lowest moment in the relationship. Write down how it made you feel and state that his behaviour was abuse. Any moment where he is trying to call you or has texted you, bring the paper out and read it to yourself. Again, be still and proud of yourself. DO NOT KEEP IN ANY CONTACT WITH HIM.
YOU SAVED YOURSELF AND YOU ARE STILL SAVING YOURSELF…
Begin to plan your life abuse free. If you have to leave the city for your safety then do it…
Trust your intutions about how to stay safe, sell your car or change it, change your cell phone number, have a safety plan if you see him out- if he approaches you tell him you will call the police and do it !! He is frightened and insecure, show him you are strong and will protect yourself. Get a restraining order, keep the police aware of your situation so they know how to best protect you. THIS IS NOW ABOUT YOU AND YOUR LIFE FREE FROM ABUSE. You have the power, breathe and trust in yourself that you did the right thing. YOU DID.
Blessings,
Loni
xoxo
i am soo glad i came on this website tonight as i feel so frightened, after 8 years of him bringin me down and feelin like its all my fault i finally see for wot he is. Like you lot i have been so afraid because he has made me feel useless and like a bad mother and i question myself all the time but its him he wont let me have a relationship with my mam even phoning her to say how bad i am which results in us not seeing each other for long periods, hes now tryin to destroy my workin life and gettin to my friends aswell finding out phone numbers of their partners to say how bad i am, i feel like im in a bubble and everytime i try and get strong hes there gettin to me. Tonight i had to give him money because he was goin to take the wheels off my car just so i cant get to work tomorrow i know this sounds mad but hel go to any length to control me xx
Amber, I left in Aug 2010, and I have 3 sons, 21 yo, 13 and 10 It is tough but at the end of the day you come home and lock your door and you do not have to be scared anymore. I also left for my sons, I could not let them turn out like him. I also was not going to survive if I stayed. We are no longer afraid! If we hear a not worry anymore. You do not have to be concerned over anyone else mood. But most important is your freedom. I am trying to find out who I am or get back to who I was before this happened. I draw a lot of strength from friends, church. Do not be afraid to reach out to people or tell them what you have been through. I found that once I got past my initial embarassment there were alot of people who were willing to help me. Find a good therapist who will help rebuild your self esteem. But it is a work in progress. Tonight I was having a rough night until I got on this website. Good Luck and I believe the hardest part is behind us. Remember we did it. We left, we got out!
as of today i am having my abuser leave of eight years I am tired my girls had to see mommy get treated badly as well as heard me screaming a few times. Im doing this more for them. i am financially burdened and i am scared to be alone. I have my ups and downs already and its only been one day. My question is how can i feal better about myself. I havn’t fealt like my self in years. How do i find myself. and how do i get strength for me and my children. Thnx amber
I just left a 1 year abusive relationship. Also I’m 8 months pregnant. Luckily the father is such a horrible person,he wants nothing to do with child. I’m going through the steps and I think I will be fine. My unborn child is what worries me. Any traits of the father will damage this child. I feel like this child will truly be a test of nature versus nurture. I know also that I did the right thing. I still feel so naive in not knowing evil like him exsists.
Dear Linda,
Congratulations for ending your bad relationship! Maybe this time will be the charm? I hope so, and wish you all the best.
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..5 Ways to Make Work Better – Tips for Achieving Career Goals =-.
Dear Jak,
I’m so glad to hear that you’ve left your boyfriend and his abuse behind! Seven years is a long time to be in a bad relationship, and I’m so impressed that you’re strong enough to let him go!
Thank you for reminding us not to let our minds overtake reality…because that’s what happens, and why many women stay in bad relationships.
Blessings,
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..5 Ways to Make Work Better – Tips for Achieving Career Goals =-.
well done luv. now keep out. this could be the start of the rest of your life and the best life you may have. I did it and so can you. 7 years it took me to believe i had no where esle to go but to let him go. yes it bloody hurts yes your mind is all over the place but do the one thing for you. Dont let the mind take over the reality. Whats real is the abuse from him, leave it and run like hell. hes found his soulmate, what rubbish, poor girl is what i say. feel very very sorry for her, she may look ok but you and i both know without a doubt all is certainly not ok. Thank god you’re out, now concentrate on yourself like i did and am doing 8 months on. I feel so strong now i have control. keep in touch my dear, im here for you if needed. jak x
I have finally ended a 13 year abusive, (both physical and emotional)relationship. I am surprised that it still hurts as it does. Just 2 weeks after ending it he tells me he has found his soulmate and is already in a intimate relationship. Obviously his so called love for me didnot run too deep. Probably obvious by his behaviour. I am both sad and glad. He is an alcoholic as well who says he has his drinking under control. Why do they appear to be such wonderful people outside of the home, and such b****rds behind closed doors. He has had 2 failed marriages cause of his violence and then 13 years with me, you would think that he would start looking at his behaviour but how eaasy is it for them to blame us. I hate all the emotional stuff that goes along with separation. I tell myself that I must stay strong and ignore any communications with him. This is the 21st time I have kicked him out in the 13 years.
ive been out of an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship for 7 months. No kids and nothing in common to need any contact. I have been steel strong and ignored his attempts to get in touch. They have finished now for 6 weeks and to be honest i feel absolutely lost. Its all coming out now hes actually gone. But, im keeping going and undrestanding its all a process i have to go through to be healthy minded again. If like me you have done this and now strugglin, be assured you have definitely done the right thing and must keep goin. it hurts, your mind is confused, you even miss the fxxxxg toxxxxr!! BUT its a formula you must follow and come out the other side. never thought a strong minded independent woman like me would be brainwashed this way so my determination to beat my mind and crazy emotions is focussed. Theres always something else in life, nothing stays the same so you may as well have a go at it. There really is nothing to lose but a controlling tosser with issues that you dont want!! cheers, jackie x
Dear Ann,
I think leaving an abusive relationship and staying intact emotionally is a process, not a one-time solution. That is, after the relationship is over, you may feel great one day (or one minute), and terrible the next day (or the next minute).
Being emotionally healthy and intact isn’t something any of us can achieve all the time. We all have ups and downs, and we all struggle with our emotional health in some way — just like we aren’t always physically healthy.
That said, I think the best way to remain emotionally intact when leaving an abusive relationship is to surround yourself with support. Get counseling, join a women’s support group, stay connected with your loved ones, and stay connected with your spiritual self, God, or your higher power. Let yourself grieve — let yourself be happy!
I’m also a big fan of reading books about successful women and making the most of your life! So, I encourage you to explore the books in the right column — they’re wonderful resources for building a strong, healthy relationship with yourself.
I hope this helps, and that we meet again in cyberspace. Let me know how you’re doing…
Blessings,
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..How to Set New Goals When Your Old Goals Aren’t Working =-.
I am interested in learning how to leave this relationship and remain emotionally intact.
When a spouse continuously nags, the recipient feels this is a form of emotional abuse. In countless relationships, there are emotional pressure cookers created when one spouse is accused.
Emotional abuse in relationships is harder to detect as it is subtle and often, indirect. Explore the article to know about emotionally abusive relationships and their indicating signs.
Taking healthy risks allows us to step outside of those beliefs and behaviors, and helps us create the life we love.
Jessie,
These are great questions to help women recognize bad relationships! Thanks for sharing them; I know they’re helping someone, somewhere…
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..How to Make Conversation for Introverts – Tips for Small Talk =-.
Hi Laurie,
I just want to offer a few questions to help women recognize when they’re in an unhealthy, controlling relationship.
When was the last time you were allowed to go out with friends without your partner?
When was the last time you went out alone and it didn’t end up in a huge argument?
Does your partner threaten to leave and imply that you don’t love them to prevent you from doing things that he or she doesn’t want you to do?
Are there times when you feel as though you’ve been followed?
Are your email accounts private or do they insist on having access to them?
Do you give them a reason to doubt you, such as infidelity, the threat of infidelity, frequenting clubs and other similar places without them?
Do you try to make them jealous?
Before you can leave a bad relationship, you have to know what one is.
Thanks,
Jessie
Thanks for your input! I agree that communication and honesty are the building blocks to successful relationships…and so is trust. If you can’t trust your partner NOT to abuse you emotionally or physically, then you can’t love wholly or completely.
And, lying definitely undermines love and respect.
You catch your partner lying. To me, this is the most dangerous one because let us be honest, how do you spend the rest of your life with and trust someone who you know has no problem lying to you. Communication and honesty are 2 building blocks of every successful relationship and trying to build one without them is the equivalent of building your house on a foundation of quicksand. Think about it, who wants to have to constantly figure out if their partner is lying. It puts you under a tremendous amount of stress.