Do you have questions about spirituality, psychology, balanced living, or other topics? Please ask us here…
Questions About Psychology, Relationships, Spirituality
Laurie’s areas of expertise are psychology, relationships, finding balance, and striving to achieve your goals. Her degrees are in Psychology and Education from the University of Alberta, in Edmonton. To learn more about her, go to About Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen.
Questions About Transformation, Spirituality, Energy Healing
Gini’s areas of expertise are transformation, spiritual growth and energy awareness as topics on their own and as they relate to everyday life – love & relationships, stress & balance, creating & manifesting. She has a degree in Psychology and certificates in Wellness Counselling & Body/Mind Consiousness, Energy Healing and Energy Reading. To learn more about her, go to About Gini Grey.
Direct your questions to either or both of us in the comment section below, and we’ll try to answer within two days (your email address won’t be visible to others – only a website will if you enter one - so if you want to remain anonymous just use your first name or a made-up name).
Hi to both of you, Gini and Laurie!
My question is: In 2006 my friend and I had a falling out(it was over a guy) she eventully married him. For awhile I tried to salvage our friendship by going to see her and try talking to her but it was unsuccessful everytime. She was just very angry. So I gave up. I think of her often and what I was wondering..should I just leave it as it is or leave it up to the universe to take care of it. I do not hate her, I still love her as a friend. I just feel if I try and go see her again, she won’t want to talk with me. Any advice would be great. Thank’s.Roberta
Hello Roberta,
Thanks for sharing your story and asking for some input. I’m sure many others have experienced this same situation – it’s painful to lose a friend over a man (or woman), but it happens.
The fact that you are still thinking about her and care about her means you still have unfinished business. It may be about mending the relationship or it may be about finding closure for yourself. There are a few things I would suggest before trying practical approaches – these are:
1) Give yourself undisturbed time to turn inward and connect deeply with yourself as spirit. From this place, be as honest as you can about any aspect of the relationship you haven’t owned (i.e. anything you might have done to contribute to the rift, even if it was your friend who acted inappropriately). Until we own our part in the fallout, it is difficult to let it go, forive, and move forward.
2) Make sure you have fully forgiven your friend and yourself for anything to do with the situation. Forgiveness is a felt vibration that allows the release of all resentments and judgments towards self and others (read this article I wrote on Forgiveness to help you tune into the vibration)
3) With eyes closed and centered within your spiritual self, imagine your friend standing a few feet away from you. Give her a spirit to spirit hello. Tell her what you need to say. Listen for a soul response from her.
4) Ask the God of your heart or guardian angels (or whatever spiritual support you like to connect to) to guide you in healing, repairing or releasing this relationship (which ever is best for you both). Then notice over the next few days what insights come to you – it may be an inspiration, a song, something you read etc. that will guide you to your next step.
Then for practical approaches, the only thing that comes to my mind is to write her a letter, explaining how you feel (connect to your heart when you write the letter). But Laurie may have some more practical tips (she’s away right now but will respond as soon as she can).
I’ll send positive thoughts to you and your friend,
Gini
Roberta,
Thanks for being the first to ask a question — it’s great to hear from you! But, I am sorry to hear about your friend.
I too had a falling out with a friend over a guy who married that friend! Ironically, she was attracted to him because he was such a good friend to me — she saw how generous, kind, and considerate he was. Then she became envious of our friendship, and couldn’t handle a connection with me.
It took me a long time to realize how deeply she was affected by my friendship with her husband (who I knew first!). I’m very sad that I’m not friends with them anymore — I was only friends with them as a couple for a very short time. I knew them much better as individuals.
I don’t know what went down with your falling out with your friend and this guy, but I encourage you to think “outside the box.” That is, her reluctance to pick up your friendship may be for reasons that you can’t quite fathom. Your friend’s husband may have said something about you, or may be influencing her in ways you don’t know (not necessarily deliberately or maliciously). She may just not want to be reminded of the past, or your connection with her husband.
I suggest sending her a card every year or so. Remind her that you still love her and would like to heal your friendship. I wouldn’t encourage you to try to talk to her, because you’ve tried that and it didn’t work. Just show her that your door is open, and she’s always welcome in your life.
I am sorry you lost her as a friend. I know how much it hurts.
By the way, Gini and I wrote a joint article about friendship…check it out, and let us know if it helps!
How to Mend a Broken Friendship
Blessings,
Laurie
I have a friend that is very supportive, loving, and great fun. We take on the world in big and small ways all the time. We have very bravely shared huge pieces of ourselves with each other and really walk beside each other in huge ways. There is just one issue that keeps coming up. I keep her in the loop of what is new with me and how the kids are and life in general. She prefers to ask about me and says little about what else she has going that is outside of what we share. For example, she doesn’t tell me she’s planned a trip to visit her mom. This hurts me and I can’t get past it. Am I wrong to feel that there is something to her keeping these things “secret”. It feels unbalanced to me and I feel very small if I bring it up.
Hi Jenn,
Thanks for sharing your friendship conerns with us. I totally understand why you would feel hurt that your close friend doesn’t share certain parts of her life with you – I think that’s natural to feel that way. I have a few suggestions to help you either move past it or to communicate your feelings to your friend.
1) You have an amazing friendship and when you focus on the good stuff I bet you feel great, yet when you focus on the parts that bother you, you feel hurt. So one option is stay focused on the wonderful parts and let the rest go. I know that’s not easy, so here’s more suggestions.
2) Look at the situation from your friends point of view. If you were her, with her upbringing, beliefs, attitude, fears, quirks and idiosyncracies – why might you not share everything in your life? Could it be that keeping part of her life helps her to feel safe somehow? Might she be concerned that she’d be boring you with these aspects? Or could it be that she just doesn’t think of these things when the two of you connect (my husband forgets to tell me things that I feel are important and it’s not that he is trying to hide things from me, he can be an absent-minded-professor type person who gets busy and distracted and just simply forgets.).
3) Process your hurt feelings by journaling them – get it all out – your sadness, anger, confusion, and any underlying fears – you might be surprised to see what surfaces and heals as a result of acknowledging your feelings.
4) Write a letter to your friend (that you don’t actually send her) as a way to fully express your feelings and concerns. After you’ve done this, you might not feel the need to talk to her about it, but if you do, try the following suggestions.
5) Tell her how you feel – even that you feel small telling her – honesty brings more closeness between people. Just remember to own your feelings and not blame her for them. Tell her how you value your friendship but feel hurt when she doesn’t include you in all the details and ask her if there is any reason in particular she avoids telling you.
6) Try some of the exercises in other articles on our site – such as “Communicate From the Heart and Soul” or “Spiritual Purpose of Relationships”. In some of these articles I have included an exercise for communicating on a spirit to spirit level with others – this will allow you to share your thoughts and feelings without having to actually speak in person to her – it also will help you to intuitively touch into what is going on with her.
I wish you all the best in resolving your feelings and deepening your friendship.
Gini