Jul 052011
 

If you can’t trust the man you’re married to, who can you trust? If you don’t trust your husband because of suspected or real betrayal, there are several things you should and shouldn’t do.

These tips are inspired by a reader who doesn’t know if she should stay married. “I recently found romantic emails and lewd pictures,” says F. on Is Your Husband Lying About Cheating? 4 Ways to Tell. “Since then I’m trying to grapple with the reality of a cheating husband, whether or not I want to stay in the relationship and if so, how to work towards a better marriage. If I decide to leave, get myself enough support and become financially stable for myself and my newborn.”

I Love You But I Don’t Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum can help you decide what to do when you don’t trust your husband. Deciding whether or not to leave because you don’t trust your husband isn’t as easy as it sounds. One of the worst things to do is make a snap decision. Another helpful resource for women who don’t trust their partners is My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me. If you want to stay married, learn from couples who survived and thrived after an affair. And remember that it takes months – or even years – to learn how to trust your husband again.

What NOT to Do When You Don’t Trust Your Husband

“My husband of 15 years has always included me in everything,” says A. “We were like best friends up until about a month ago. He says nothing is going on but I am so sick to my stomach. I found his cell phone with very graphic details about the girl and my husband. Does anyone please have any advice for me?”

First, read 6 Reasons to Stay Married. You may want to stay in this relationship even if you don’t trust your husband. Then…

Believe your husband’s lies over what you see, hear, and know. Betrayal is awful to live through. And when your husband lies to your face, you know you can’t trust him! But, you have to be strong. Trust your gut and reality. Don’t let yourself be deceived by his lies – that’s one of the worst things to do when you don’t trust your husband because it’ll keep you stuck in a bad marriage longer. That’ll negatively affect you and your kids. Plus, if he’s having an affair, he may pass a STD to you.

The best – and hardest – thing to do is accept reality as soon as possible. Of all the comments I get from readers, the most common ones are from women who refuse to accept that they simply can’t trust their husbands anymore. It’s easier in the short-term to keep limping along in the marriage. If you don’t trust your husband because you believe he’s cheating on you, read 11 Signs of a Cheater.

don't trust husband

“What to Do When You Don’t Trust Your Husband” image by Laurie

Let him get away with half-truths and deceptions. “On our cell phone bill,  we were charged over usage charges due to too many text messages,” says P. “I noticed that he had texted a specific number over 200 times over the last two weeks. When I confronted him about it, he played it off like no big deal. I let a day go by before confronting again. He then told me he and a much younger friend met a couple of girls at a bar and my husband was just being the ‘wingman’ for his friend…. I need some advice on what to do or how to go about confronting him again.”

It’s tough to give tips when I don’t know anything about the husband’s or wife’s personality! But, I’d keep telling my husband that I feel scared, hurt, betrayed, confused, and frustrated. I’d keep asking him to be honest with me…and I’d keep checking those phone bills. I wouldn’t let him get away with brushing me off – I’d consider separation before accepting his lies.

Make a snap decision to leave or stay. On Should I Leave My Cheating Husband? The Best Reason to Stay Married, marriage coach Mort Fertel says marriage can get stronger after infidelity. Some marriages thrive after an affair; others wither away. Which will yours be? To find out, don’t make a snap or impulse decision about your future. One of the worst things to do when you don’t trust your husband is to make decisions that put you at a disadvantage (eg, moving out of the house and letting him stay). Instead of deciding right away, talk to people you trust.

Ask strangers on the internet what to do when you don’t trust your husband. My friends, you have to be really careful about asking for advice on the ‘net! The only people you should get marriage advice from are wise mentor-type people. Counselors, pastors, happily married folks, smart people you trust. When you ask strangers for advice, you could be mislead because people don’t know you, your husband, or your marriage. I don’t think anyone would deliberately mislead you (I hope they wouldn’t!), but they don’t know all the facts so they can’t give you as good advice as someone in person can.


Fix Your Marriage

If you don’t trust your husband but don’t have enough money to leave, read How to Save Money for a Divorce.

I welcome your thoughts, but I can't give personal advice or feedback. It may help you to share your experience in the comments section below - writing often brings clarity and insight.

  5 Responses to “What to Do When You Don’t Trust Your Husband”

  1. One of the first things to do when you don’t trust your husband is to try and figure out why you don’t trust him. Is it him, or is it you? Is it a combination of him and you?

    If you can discern the reasons you don’t trust your husband, you’re in a better position to decide if you should leave him or get counseling.

  2. I caught my husband emailing “gym-friends” with an email that he doesn’t know I have access too. I did some detective work & not only found his email address, but hacked into it. Found the girls emails & phone numbers but got their photos etc., off of Facebook. The emails that were sent back & forth weren’t of any sexual nature just “hi” or “I’m tired, how are you?” basics, but that’s how it starts, w/ the basics. That’s how I met my husband, by a simple “hello”… As I confronted my husband, not only did he deny it, he said “what proof is there that I’ve done anything wrong?” as he said this, the emails to & from these girls were deleted. As if that was going to make a difference, I had already read them, and gotten the information I needed. I wrote one of the girls an email, confronting her, she asked to talk to me & we talked on the phone, she too, denied any external contact w/ my husband other than “in the gym” (she was lying as well). She claimed that it could “look” bad b/c where ever she goes, he goes, elliptical machines, weights etc. She then informed me that my husband said he was “unhappy in our marriage” & how she said “it can’t be that bad”… She went on to say that my husband is VERY social w/ 12 people at the gym, not just her, & how he’s outgoing. It baffles me as he’s an introveret w/ me & our lives. She “thought” our family was the norm, I corrected her & informed her of our child who is special needs & the details surrounding that, I also informed her of my illness’ that include 24+ Rx’s to live, w/ a handicap license plate & require a cane for mobility. She didn’t realize the depth. She tried to “empathize” & say that she understood as her son has ADHD, uh, get back to me when you’re child has had over 5 surgeries since birth & can’t do much other than barely feed himself. It’s clear that my husband has painted this picture of his life that is one way when it’s missing a big portion. It’s not her fault & at the same time, I’m just angry that she LIED to cover HER butt about talking to my husband outside of the gym. She lied about having any contact w/ my husband! I saw the emails, I know what was said, & although it wasn’t sexual or nasty, still…she had contact & denied it. Why lie if there is nothing to hide? My husband, he’s also a big fat liar. A secret email account, secret communications, friendships, it’s not right. If I confront him, he’ll twist it around & make me look like the crazy one, it’s impossible to resolve an issue if you can’t even be honest. Why can’t he be honest about his outside communication? He lied & is continuing to lie.
    His new email address, he has his name & his 3 biological children’s names, he neglected to include any part of MY name or his step-son (my son from a previous relationship) name. That hurts. He made a user name & didn’t include me or his step-sonn, only himself & his bio-kids. Like those kids are there for life, but myself & my son aren’t.

    I’m lost, confused, devastated & don’t know what to do. What do I do now? do I leave? do I file for divorce? what?

  3. I would also add talking to friends of the opposite sex about it. My ex-wife thought I was cheating on her and ended up cheating herself.

  4. Hi Confused,

    I didn’t pay anything for this article…except the time it took me to write it!

    Regarding not trusting information on the internet: there’s a huge difference between asking for personal advice for love relationships, versus reading factual tips for life or relationships.

    Yes, we can trust information found on the web — but I think it’s a mistake to ask strangers for personal advice.

    Cheers,
    Laurie

  5. you realize that one of your tips, posted to an internet website, it to not trust information found on the web?
    I am confused. I hope you didn’t pay too much for this article.
    BTW- I am not clicking on any ads.

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