Sep 032012
 

Q: We both caused great pain to each other and our relationship is probably broken, but I keep hanging on. I give him alot of love and affection and want it back so badly, but don’t seem to be receiving it. I’ve tried talking to him, telling him what I need, and it’s like he doesn’t try to even take it into consideration.  I so badly want his love that it’s killing me inside. I’m pregnant with his child, and it’s something he’s said he wanted numerous times, but now he talks about terminating it. He says he still loves me, but I feel like he is staying with me because he’s comfortable. I’m really hurting and I feel alone. Nobody wants to give me advice because they don’t think I should give him the time of day, and they’re probably right. But there are good times that no one sees! I just want to be loved, I don’t know who to turn to anymore or the next step to take. I really appreciate any advice and criticism.”

Why Doesn’t He Love Me the Way I Love Him?

A: My answer is a question: Why are you hanging on to a man who has been in jail, has addiction issues, beats you up, and doesn’t treat you with love or respect? (Her original comment on my article about leaving abusive relationships was longer, and contained additional information).

In your comment, you mentioned a couple of times that you want to be loved, you need affection. That’s normal and healthy – we all want love and affection! We all want to be loved. But, not all of us allow ourselves to fall in love with men who don’t love us back.

Instead of focusing on him, I encourage you to try to figure out why you’re allowing this man to treat you like this. You’re like a dog being kicked over and over – and you go back for more.

And, you KNOW you’re doing the wrong thing by staying with him and wanting him to love you, because you said that your friends are tired of giving you advice that you don’t take. And, you said in your comment that you’d even welcome criticism from me.

So, what are you getting out of this relationship? Dr Phil always says that there’s a payoff for everything we do. You’re staying with a guy who doesn’t love you the way you love him…and you’re getting something out of it. Maybe you think you deserve to be treated like crap, so you stay with him to keep getting punished. Maybe you’re scared of living up to your full potential. Maybe you’ve always been told that you’re not lovable, so you think he’s the best you can do.

Part of me wonders if you like the attention you get from staying with a man who doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved. I say this because you mentioned in your original comment how to find the newspaper article that must have reported how badly he beat you up. I didn’t read the article, because I believe you when you say he treats you badly. But it makes me think that you’re getting something out of the way he treats you. Attention, sympathy, shoulders to cry on…but now your friends are withdrawing all that because it’s gone on too long.

You asked for my advice, so here it is:

  • Call a domestic violence helpline.
  • Join a women’s support group.
  • Talk to a counselor – learn what you’re getting out of this relationship.
  • Learn what love really is, and why you “love” a guy who treats you like dirt.

Think about where you want to be in a year from now. If you stay with this guy, you’ll be drowning in the same problems – and you’ll have a baby in your arms.


Fix Your Marriage

And, read How to Leave a Man You Love – But Can’t Live With.

laurie pawlik kienlenI'm Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen (but I wish my name was Rosie Frost!). I'm a bookworm, travel bug, flute player, writer. My husband and I live in Vancouver, Canada with our cat and dogs.

Are you happy? My Grade 10 Social Studies teacher, Mr Merritt, always used to ask me that. And I am happy - despite a difficult childhood (schizophrenic mother, no father, foster homes), infertility, an eating disorder, and a chronic illness. The source of my peace and joy is God; I'm a Christian.

How is your life unfolding - what do you need? I welcome your big and little comments below, about big or little things. I can't give you advice, but writing can give you clarity and insight.

In peace and passion.... Laurie

  2 Responses to “Why Doesn’t He Love Me the Way I Love Him?”

  1. Hello Michelle,

    Are you still with your boyfriend – did you and he work things out?

  2. Posted 7 Hours, 42 Minutes ago Link #1
    I have a 10 yr old daughter & my boyfriend has an 18 yr old daughter & 16 yr old son. We have been together for 5 yrs & due to living 45 minutes apart, we only see each other on the weekends & talk on the phone everynight before we go to bed. His kids & ex-wife are ruining our relationship.
    He has been divorced for almost 14 yrs & is a full time father & mother to his kids. His ex had cheated on him during their entire marriage including sleeping with his best friend during a BBQ at their house. He found out about her marital affairs because she used their credit cards to pay for the rooms. His kids primarily live with him only seeing her every other weekend & 2 days during the week after school for a couple of hours. She has very little interest in her kids unless it benefits her. Usually when she’s trying to impress a guy. So he makes up for it by spoiling them & they get everything that they want. He states it’s to make up for how their mother is to them. His daughter stopped going over there a year after we started dating (which I never minded). She will only hang out with her mother when his ex’s is buying her something. His son will only go there if he is not hanging out with his friends, but when he does go its only to go across the street & stays at his brother’s house (her son from previous marriage). Their mother is always buying his son things & really doesn’t do that for his daughter. My boyfriend & his ex hardly ever spoke & when they did it was always a fight. She had started dating someone a couple of months before I met my boyfriend.
    Everything was going great for the 1st 3 yrs. of our relationship. We would have our ‘kids’ free weekend & when we had our kids we were always doing things as a family until his kids started getting older. I would suggest doing something & he would state that his kids are older & would rather hangout with their friends instead so we would just do things with my daughter. After sometime, I would start asking his kids to do things with us. His son always wanted to hangout with his friends & his daughter would sometimes go out with us. His daughter started becoming very mean to my daughter & here she admitted that she was jealous of the attention that my daughter was receiving from him.
    Even though his daughter stopped going over to her mothers, she would be out with her friends. We would then take a night to go out & hangout with our friends. On the way home, if we would fight I would tell him to end it when we were pulling up to the house because his daughter would be home & she didn’t need to be apart of it. Unfortunatley, he would continue & made her apart of it by telling her about our arguments which put a strike against me. She started becoming rude & ignorant to me. I was only good enough when my wallet was being opened up for her. I have always had a good relationship with his son.
    2 years ago, his ex-wife’s boyfriend moved to Kentucky due to his job. After he moved, she wanted to be buddies with my boyfriend & starting problems. She plays her game by starting to take an interest in her kids especially her daughter & he falls for it thinking that she is finally going to be a mother — which never happens. About 6 months after her boyfriend left, she announced she was moving to Kentucky. She had called their son on the phone & stated ‘Your father has a life, you kids have a life & I don’t. Since my life moved to Kentucky, I am moving there’. His son was devastated & his daughter hated her even more. Before she moved, that guy ended it with her & that is when things started going downhill. She would say things to cause my boyfriend & I to fight. One thing my boyfriend always states is that she plays her games. I know she doesn’t want him, but she also doesn’t want him to move forward in his life.
    His daughter graduated on my 40th birthday. The graduation party was being thrown at his/our house. His ex-wife played her game that night pretending to be the best mother & acted as though it was her home. Flirting with him & hanging all over his friends. She was even planning to leave the party with his best friend that she had slept with during their marriage. After everyone had left the party, except for her, his best friend & another friend. I got sucked into her game she started a fight with me & things were said. We were in an altercation. I ended up walking out on him the next day & cleared my things out of his house.
    After a couple of weeks went by, we decided to work things out. I explained to him that I want to take it slow & work on things. He throws it in my face how I should have never packed up my things. Now his ex keeps saying things to his kids to have them hate me. I love my boyfriend & his kids & honestly just don’t know what to do to get things back on track with his kids. He had a previous relationship with a woman if 4 yrs that walked out on him because of them

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