Q: We both caused great pain to each other and our relationship is probably broken, but I keep hanging on. I give him alot of love and affection and want it back so badly, but don’t seem to be receiving it. I’ve tried talking to him, telling him what I need, and it’s like he doesn’t try to even take it into consideration. I so badly want his love that it’s killing me inside. I’m pregnant with his child, and it’s something he’s said he wanted numerous times, but now he talks about terminating it. He says he still loves me, but I feel like he is staying with me because he’s comfortable. I’m really hurting and I feel alone. Nobody wants to give me advice because they don’t think I should give him the time of day, and they’re probably right. But there are good times that no one sees! I just want to be loved, I don’t know who to turn to anymore or the next step to take. I really appreciate any advice and criticism.”
Why Doesn’t He Love Me the Way I Love Him?
A: My answer is a question: Why are you hanging on to a man who has been in jail, has addiction issues, beats you up, and doesn’t treat you with love or respect? (Her original comment on my article about leaving abusive relationships was longer, and contained additional information).
In your comment, you mentioned a couple of times that you want to be loved, you need affection. That’s normal and healthy – we all want love and affection! We all want to be loved. But, not all of us allow ourselves to fall in love with men who don’t love us back.
Instead of focusing on him, I encourage you to try to figure out why you’re allowing this man to treat you like this. You’re like a dog being kicked over and over – and you go back for more.
And, you KNOW you’re doing the wrong thing by staying with him and wanting him to love you, because you said that your friends are tired of giving you advice that you don’t take. And, you said in your comment that you’d even welcome criticism from me.
So, what are you getting out of this relationship? Dr Phil always says that there’s a payoff for everything we do. You’re staying with a guy who doesn’t love you the way you love him…and you’re getting something out of it. Maybe you think you deserve to be treated like crap, so you stay with him to keep getting punished. Maybe you’re scared of living up to your full potential. Maybe you’ve always been told that you’re not lovable, so you think he’s the best you can do.
Part of me wonders if you like the attention you get from staying with a man who doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved. I say this because you mentioned in your original comment how to find the newspaper article that must have reported how badly he beat you up. I didn’t read the article, because I believe you when you say he treats you badly. But it makes me think that you’re getting something out of the way he treats you. Attention, sympathy, shoulders to cry on…but now your friends are withdrawing all that because it’s gone on too long.
You asked for my advice, so here it is:
- Call a domestic violence helpline.
- Join a women’s support group.
- Talk to a counselor – learn what you’re getting out of this relationship.
- Learn what love really is, and why you “love” a guy who treats you like dirt.
Think about where you want to be in a year from now. If you stay with this guy, you’ll be drowning in the same problems – and you’ll have a baby in your arms.
I'm glad you're here! My name is Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen; my husband Bruce and I live in Vancouver, BC with our critters. We can't have kids, and are learning to accept whatever life brings - both good and bad. I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) from UBC, and degrees in Education and Psychology. I hope you say hello below - I can't give relationship advice, but writing can bring you clarity and insight.