Why do both men and women stay in unhappy marriages?
If you’re a woman in a loveless marriage, you’re not alone. Wives stay in unhappy relationships for many reasons. Will you see yourself here?
The reasons women stay in loveless marriages range from fear of what people will think to reluctance to lose the time they invested in their husbands.
“It isn’t that they can’t see the solution. It is that they can’t see the problem.” ~ G.K. Chesterton.
And I think that’s the main reason women stay in bad relationships or loveless marriages: they don’t see the actual problem. The problem isn’t the relationship or the guy…it’s the woman. I’m not saying it’s the woman’s FAULT that she’s in a loveless relationship. Rather, they can’t or don’t want to see the root of the problem. If you’re stuck in a bad marriage, read the book Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Susan Pease Gadua — it’ll help.
5 Reasons Women Stay in Loveless Marriages
Here are a few reasons why women live without love, staying with men they should’ve left years ago.
Do you regret the break up? It's not too late... How to Get Your Ex Back
Some of these reasons are directly from my readers, and others are what I know from my own experience in an unhealthy, controlling “love” relationship.
Fear of what people will say
“I want to leave my marriage but the thought of that is too terrifying,” write a reader on Controlling Relationships and Addictive Love – How to Walk Away. “I would be all alone and what would people say?” Let’s face it – we care about what people think of us. The opinions of our friends, neighbors, family members, coworkers, and even our hairdressers and manicurists matter. We’ve pitied couples whose relationships ended in divorce or separation…and we don’t want to be the objects of that pity.
Desire to be the “good girl” – don’t make waves
Girls are often taught not to make waves – to be demure, kind, polite, and avoid confrontation at all costs. Maybe this is the number one reason women stay in loveless marriages: they don’t want to be seen as a troublemaker or a disrupter of the family. “I have gone back and forth so many times, I’ve finally realized it’s never going to work and I need to just stay away,” says another reader. “I always thought of myself as the “good”, “polite” and “cooperative” girl. That was the role I played in my family of origin.”
Hope that the relationship will go from bad or loveless to good
That’s one reason I stayed with a jerk: I kept hoping he’d get nicer, want to work on our relationship, and start acting like a normal human being. When I think back on the crap I took from that guy, I cringe! I’m embarrassed to admit how long I stayed in a relationship with someone I didn’t respect and didn’t like introducing to my friends. What kept me with that guy? He had a few good qualities…but mostly, it was my hope that our relationship would get better.
Women stay because they invested too much time in the marriage
I was reluctant to leave my boyfriend because I’d “invested” nine months with him, and thought that was a long time! I can’t imagine how it feels to be thinking about leaving a loveless marriage after 10 years, or even 40 years. Sometimes women stay in unhealthy relationships or loveless marriages because they think all the time they spent on the relationship will be wasted. But it won’t be! For proof, read Was My Marriage a Waste of Time? The Silver Lining of Break Ups.
Staying in a loveless marriage is easier than leaving
Who wants to be alone? Not many women – or men, for that matter. It’s easier to stay in a bad relationship because you don’t have to deal with telling people it’s over, facing your own fears, feeling like the “bad person”, and being the one to rip the family apart. It’s easier to stay in a bad relationship than leave, just like it’s easier to stay in a bad job than uproot your life to find a new one.
If you’re thinking about leaving a loveless marriage, read Is It Better to Give Up on Your Relationship or Try to Make It Work?
What are your reasons for staying in a loveless marriage or bad relationship? Comments welcome below…
Do you need marriage help? Get free marriage advice from Mort Fertel. He's good.
Here’s my newest article on why women stay in bad relationships – it may help you figure out why you’re still struggling the same relationship problems you had last year….
The #1 Reason Women Stay in Bad Relationships
What do think the main reason is?
I am married since 5 1/2 years now with a 3 year old daughter. My husband made me live in a 2 bedroom apartment for 5years of y married life with his parents, seperated sister and his sisters daughter. I was treated like the door mat of the house. Everyone told me to have a kid and situations will improve. My husband also has a drinking problem and refuses to get help. He was sloshed drunk on the day i went into labor also. There have been times when i have been hit but innumerable times when i have been verbally abused by him and his family. I now live in an extended stay motel room with my husband and daughter. He hasnt changed a little. The drinking and abusing is constant. It affects my kid also and in order to avoid a fight i often just take all the crap he gives me without a word. I dont remember the last time he has shown any kind of love, understanding or respect towards me. I want to leave him but i fear the fact of living alone. I have suggested counselling but he refuse
Dear Donna,
I’m glad you’re going to a counselor to get your head straight! I was in counseling for a year, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. A counselor can help you see your relationship more clearly – and help you figure out what to do with the rest of your life.
I’m not going through the same thing in my marriage, but I just wanted to say thank you for commenting.
Also, I’m curious…what do you want to see happen with your marriage? Do you want to stay with your husband, or leave?
I am checked out of my marriage emotionally due to husband of 4 1/2 years not backing me and letting his adult children treat me and my daughter like crap. We moved here to be with some one who promised my daughters he would take care of me. However he has let his children hurt me and my daughter mentally. After over a year of taking that he was diagnosed with leukemia, had a steam cell and is cured. However he has changed so drastically that he is now rude and hateful to my daughter and me all the time. Sarcastic comments get old She just turned 18 and is getting ready to moved back to where we came from in Oklahoma to be near her sisters because of everything here and I feel like I want to go with her to be near my children and grand children. I feel bad about wanting to leave because I know people (his family) will talk, however when I try to tell him how I feel he either throws everything back on me or makes hateful comments. I can’t express my feelings at all to him, I have tried. I work full time then come home and do all the housework. He says if I ask him to help you know I am still sick you want me to get sick again. So he sits on couch watches tv lays in bed or hangs out with his dog in lap. Does very little if anything. Going to go to counselor to get my head straight. I can start over have done it and to me life is too short to live unhappy, and if he is not willing to do some changing here why should I stay. This is his house he made that clear. I sold mine to come here for what. I am so confused, hurt, angry, and resentful right now. Just looking for answers. I feel like I know what to do, I just don’t want to make a mistake in case he is acting like this due to the chemo he had over a year ago. When I think I see the light the door closes and all I see is darkness. Any one going through this kind of thing. Would be helpful to hear your comments. Thank you
Dear Carol,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’ll give other women living in loveless marriages hope, and maybe even the strength and courage it takes to think about leaving.
Having friends and family who support you is huge – I’m glad you can lean on them.
I wish you all the best as you move forward with your life.
Blessings,
Laurie
I’ve been married for 28 years. My husband has developed rage since our son was about two years old (21 now). My husband says mean comments in stores and public places to me. It’s degrading. My son has watched us through all the fighting, and told me he will never get married. He won’t even date. He is so afraid that he would end up with a terrible relationship. About five years ago I left my husband and took my son to live with me. I let my husband visit whenever he wanted, because I didn’t want any legal problems. Within four months his mother past away. I felt horrible since we were all the family he had left, so we moved back with him. Things were ok the first year or so, but slowly he went back to his old self. I have a full time job, and pay most of our bills. He is on social security and is collecting unemployment. He doesn’t even really try to find a job, he just expects me to go on supporting him. I realize now that he is nothing but a bully. There is no love between us, and respect is gone too. My son and I are moving out soon, and plan to leave the state. I know we can have a better life, and I can feel like a person again somewhere else. It’s true that you need money/job, a car, support/friends or family. I would not have been able to plan my departure without the help I received from my son and the encouragement from my friends.
Dear Erika,
It sounds like you’ve been doing all the work in your relationship, and your boyfriend takes you and your love for granted. He isn’t as invested in your love as you are – which is actually normal. In most or even all relationships, one person is more invested in the other.
But in healthy relationships, both partners work at it. It can never be just one person who is responsible for a loving, healthy marriage.
Why don’t you want to leave him?
I ‘m so broken inside.Me and my boyfriend really love each other but i don’t know for some reason we quarrel like hell.We ‘re together for more than 3 years.I do my best to make our relationship work out in all aspects and i feel i ‘m so stupid for being like that.I don’t want to leave him but all he cares is his stuff his own family,friends etc.what am i suppose to do?HElP…….
I’d like to reply to Rose, she sounded so sad and yet she said she had an outgoing personality. Rose, it’s too awful to think of you subduing all the wonderful things you are to stay ‘safe’ in a loveless marriage. You sound as though you’re distant from your husband, but maybe you should be brave enough to start a conversation about a separation? He’s probably sad too, and looking for a solution. Parting doesn’t have to be a disaster scenario! It’s tricky, and sometimes you shed a few tears, but so many of us have managed to work things out and gone on to make our lives into something spectacular. For a woman, friends are the key. You sound like someone who already has, or who should have, a bundle of lovely supportive female friends to see you through – and they don’t have to hate your husband, as you don’t. Love is always the answer, but it manifests in many different, and sometimes surprising forms.
Much love to you and him – go on and live the rest of your life the way you want to!
Thank you for sharing why you’re staying in a loveless marriage! I know that your stories and comments help other women – the majority of whom don’t comment. By sharing your experience, you’re helping other women not feel so alone in their relationships and homes.
I am in a loveless marriage of 14yrs I’ve had a long term affair because he neglects me.sexually other then that I stay. For finical reasons IM scared to leave my house my job to start all over it stresses me out that’s why I’ve stayed this long he’s also been abusive to Me I work but not where I can .support myself and that’s why I don’t leave
I’ve been married 45 years and I stay in this sexless, loveless marriage for the money and medical benefits. Also I’m not educated enough to survive in the real world. So I stay and our paths rarely cross he lives in the basement and I upstaires.
I stay because of guilt;
Who will love him if I leave?
Who will pay my share of the bills?
I imagine him being alone.
I imagine me breaking his heart.
All these thoughts tell me I still love him, but the longer I stay, the more I hate him.
I resent him for all the pain he’s caused me. I forgave him for cheating, but looking back, my ‘forgiveness’ has turned to bitterness. I hate him for hurting me. I hate him for looking into my eyes and lying to me. I hate him for all the names he’s called me, and for every time he’s looked at my tears with apathy.
I in turn, hate myself for staying. How did I let my life become so consumed by him? I have an open door, but refuse to walk through it. I have created my own prison. I hold the key to my chains, but refuse to unlock them.
Love is a verb….. What is a verb its a doing word…Usually people full in lust which is the mushy feeling we all feel,once that is gone we think there is no love left. People only treat you the way you let them so if you love yourself your always have love and your always be willing to give it too. You wouldnt stay in a marriage or relationship without it because you would love yourself enough to know you deserve it. Sending love to everyone who needs it cos I love myself enough to have it……..
“And I think that’s the main reason women stay in bad relationships or loveless marriages: they don’t see the actual problem. The problem isn’t the relationship or the guy…it’s the woman.”
You are absolutely right! Being in a marriage where the woman gives it their all and sacrifices so much for someone who’s biggest complaint about no loving the woman is because of her being fat , is absolutely our fault. It’s not the mans fault for not accepting and appreciated a woman hat has stood by him through all the thick and thins even though he was never, ever there for her in times of need. It’s her fault.
It’s totally our fault when we as women get tired of picking up after these jerks, too busy being their mommy because of their irresponsibility
This article is completely flawed.
I stay because it’s easier!! Financially mostly but the key to a sucessful ‘third life’ meaning after the children have grown up etc.. Is to grow yourself as a person ie do a collage course, get involved in the things you enjoy, make connections with new people. That way you stay because it’s easier but are preparing yourself for the inevitable and when you finally get to the stage whereby you have the confidence to leave you will have a life rich in the things that do make you happy. Leaving is the hardest part but a life of misery must be hardy!!! I realised two years ago that he will never change but can’t leave so have spent all the lonely hours I have ( he ignores me mostly and sleeps in another room, we barely spk) studying which has helped me in so many ways, I’m becoming educated whilst sitting out this miserable relationship, my bedroom has become a mini libery and I sat an accees course and achieved a distinction. This has empowered me, giving me confidence and the best thing is something positive has come out of my life with this horrible man! He is violent and aggressive and emotionally controls me, but actually something positive will prevail because I’ve kept focussed on me. He is a pIg and I am preparing myself nicely for my exit! You can do same, whether its cookery or flower prapartion doing positive things for yourself can help restore the self esteem lost and making new friends who respect you can make a difference. I’ve been punched, slapped, spat at, verbally abused in front of waiting staff etc… It’s been a secret hell, my very close sisters would be stunned if they knew the truth. How I could be so weak, I couldn’t see the wood for the tree but since I started studying ( opening up career opportunities) i now envisage the day I walk with my head high. I can’t wait for that day but when it comes I’ll be ready. The moral is don’t allow that person to hinder your self growth. This is my story and how I’m dealing with it I’m not saying picking up a text book is an answer but self development is a start for getting confidence which can empower you o make decision which are right for you.
I’ve been married for 14 years. I should have lived with him first because we ended up being highly incompatible after the first 6 months. I had a daughter who was 10 at the time and didn’t want to back out for her. I stayed for years hoping it would change. NOTHING has changed. I don’t love him and I simply stayed for our 11 year old son. I feel trapped and have resigned to be in a loveless marriage. I recently went on anti-depressants and got a new puppy. Both have helped immensely. Its hard to see other couples so happy after so many years and know I will never have that unless I divorce him, but it will crush my son and I will have no money to live.
K…there’s my miserable situation..just needed to vent today. thanks for reading.
If I could do it alone I would. I married young, Have no special skills, just retail. Im very outgoing, If you looked at me you would never know the pain I’m feeling…My husband knows this and uses this to his advantage. We live in seperate bedrooms and he doesn’t care as long as I’m in that home and not any where else.
Dear Jody,
Yes, I understand the “I love him, but am not in love with him” feeling! But even in the happiest, healthiest marriages, feelings of being in love come and go. It’s impossible to ALWAYS feel in love with our partners.
Here are a few thoughts for you:
Why Do I Stay With a Husband Who Makes Me Feel So Bad About Myself?
I think the most important thing is for you to ask yourself why you’re staying in a loveless marriage. What is the payoff? What are you getting out of this marriage?
Write down your reasons for staying, in a private journal or here if you’d like. That may help you decide what you should do.
Let me know what you think!
Blessings,
Laurie
i have been married for 11 years. My husband has cheated on me twice in that time. The most recent was 2 years ago. After the other woman ended it with him, we decided to stay together. to be honest, he has never really treated me very well. He comes from a bad marriage, as his first wife cheated on him. He is verbally abusive towards myself on a regular basis. I have now met someone who makes me feel totally alive and special. I know that this is just a fleeting thing, but his treatment of me has actually brought a change in my whole attitude and the way i feel about myself. I feel beautiful and sexy again thanks to him. And, no, we have not had any physical contact with each other. We flirt on the internet. I know this is still considered cheating. But what i want to know, is how do i know if i should leave this marriage. I know my husband will never consent to councilling and always brushes me off if i try and talk about our problems. I have read all your article, but am still unsure. We have 2 children together, and i suppose i do love him, but i am no longer in love with him. Can you give me some advise?
Reasons I stay in Loveless Marriage life is I am being selfish..
1. Money, he has chronic illness, dont work, do not support me in any way, no sex, no love… still i stay because all our properties and the money i invested all stick together.
2. My Son, One other reason is my son for me to stay, i dont want the poor boy which we bring in to this world to suffer in any way bcoz of me. Though I know after some point of time he will be selfish also.
3. Fear, i have a fear facing the society,explaination to them.
4. Protection, This society dont care whether you are happy in your marriage. But they want to see the so called husband around you. sometimes people look down on not just being with your husband.
5. Peace, Iam a person when i want to enter the home must be peaceful. I dont want to ruin my peace by divorcing my husband. Divorce ruins everything you have. Some are lucky, they are happy after divorce also. May be they are rich or independent woman.
I stay in my loveless marriage because its cheaper. Smaller bills and bigger account. I don’t trust my husband and would cheat on him if the opportunity presented itself. We have 3 kids together and he is a great dad. However, he is lacking in the commitment department. I’m just riding on this train till my transfer arrives which will take me to my destination
hi Daryl, the only thing I can think of is Co-dependants Anonymous, look them up and see if they hold meetings in your area
I stay in a loveless marriage for several reasons.
1. Money – I am lucky to have a hard working husband who pays half the rent and half the bills. without him I would have to pay the whole household expenses as he works off the books and would give that money to another woman.
2. Dating Nightmare – I see single people struggling to find a partner and getting used, hit or having their things stolen and being terribly alone. I prefer to be polite and stay with him.
3. Don’t want to break up the family I have a six year old daughter and she needs her Father. I don’t want strange men coming in to the house.
4. Safety – i watch the cable shows and see that 90% of the victims are single women in different scenarios. Home break in with brutal rapes, when my husband is home, I can sleep peacefully knowing that if there were a home invasion my husband would protect me and the kids.
I like everything said. However, I have a question. I’m a male and I lost my identity in my marriage years ago and I’m struggling to find a way to get it back. Does anyone know of some kind of support group for men I can contact?
Not all men are the cause or reason for loveless marriages. Sometimes, it’s the wives who are preoccupied, distant, or not interested in their husbands the way they were in the first few years of marriage.
I also like the rest of you women are in a bad relationship but wondering why we aren’t more like the men.?… I’m done trying to work things out and I’m Going to play him like a toy. I’m done being a good gf and I’m living my life however I want. I suggest you women do the same bc ur husbands are..
Nicole, you are not wrong for wanting to leave your marriage! I wrote this article for you, and for all women who feel stuck in loveless marriages and bad relationships:
Are You Wrong or Selfish for Wanting a Divorce? It Depends
I’ve always thought the “for better or worse” marriage vows excluded things like addiction, abuse, and lack of love.
RE: brigitte says:
April 8, 2012 at 6:39 am
You hit the nail square on the head!!! Every thought I’ve had and concept i’ve discovered in this 30 year roller coaster of a life with this man. Birgitte, we must be twins from another life. Recognizing your own thoughts and seeing them in black and white is something beyond description.
I have a hard time leaving because I feel like I am abandoning my husband through the hard times and I vowed for better or worse. He is addicted to drugs. He started very shortly after we got married. I want to leave because I am so unhappy in this marriage. My husband doesn’t provide anything for me financially, emotionally, or any other way. I have always been the bread winner which wasn’t a big deal but I would have to hide my keys, money, bank cards, and checks because he would take money out of the account for drugs. I would come home from work and not know if I would see my husband that day. Sometimes he would be gone all day and then call me 3am to pick him up from wherever he was. He sometimes would leave in the middle of the night and I would cry and worry not knowing if he was ok. Eventually I began doing drugs as well and began to do it with him just so I would know where he was and so that he would no longer steal from me. I have lost my job, car, and house because of drugs. I decided this wasn’t me and quit drugs. He went to rehab after I told him I couldn’t take his addiction any more. We have been separated for over a year, trying to make things work but but recently he has gone back to drugs. I haven’t heard from him in 4 days. He sold his cell phone and some one else answered it. I am fed up and miserable and too afraid to live with someone like that because I don’t want to start doing drugs again. When high he gets out of control and has place his hands around my neck. I’m seriously thinking about divorce because I want better but feel as a wife that I am giving up on my husband when he needs help. Am I wrong or selfish for wanting a divorce?
I have been with my man for 26 years. I married right out of high school to a boy that I didn’t really love because I wanted to get away from home. This man, Sam, I will call him, was in our group of friends and was the best man in our wedding. My first husband was abusive and very jealous and I left him within a year. Sam stepped in acting like Prince Charming and swept me off my feet. We dated for quite awhile and then moved in together. I really wasn’t ready but he pushed and pushed until I relented. After 5 years together, we had a baby son. I gained almost 100 pounds – I had toxemia and almost died. I had lost most of that weight except for about 20 pounds and got pregnant with our other son. After he was born, my man changed. I gained alot of weight with the last one too but was working on losing it. He started staying out late after work and I found out that he was having an affair. He came home one night drunk. I had my baby in my arms and my toddler was in the bed. He slammed my head against the door frame of the bathroom and told me he didn’t believe that either of the babies was his. I told him to go ahead and get a DNA test. He wouldn’t. I then found out about his affair and my baby wasn’t even a year old. I made him get an AIDS test. I thought things would be ok after that but it wasn’t. I forgave him but he fished for an excuse to justify what he did. Because he was the best man in my wedding to my first husband, he knew that before I got with him, that I went out dancing with friends and he concocted an idea that I had slept around with men from our hometown that we went dancing with as a group, which was absurd. I didn’t leave him because I felt I had to stay with him because of the kids. We lived together 15 years and then he had some medical issues and we legally got married (bad mistake). He now threatens to take my inherited property that we live on. I am STUCK!!! He barely has a kind word for me – he never touches me -if his arm brushes mine, he jerks away. We have not had sex for 10 years and we are 46 years old. I know that he don’t run around on me anymore because he never leaves the house – he is disabled now. He has become nonsexual and detests me so much that he don’t want me. I am a professional woman that is admired greatly in my community and I know that if people knew the truth, they would be shocked. I am so sad, depressed and mortified about my situation. We live on my dad’s farm on a lot that he deeded to me. I can never leave until he passes but once he does, I will get an apt. in town and leave him and the kids to have their fun. He has turned them mostly against me because of his manipulative ways. They have never seen a normal relationship – they are 21 and 19 and don’t even try to date – they have seen so much from us that I guess they dont want anything to do with love. Very sad.
I stay because I am scared I’ll regret leaving, Aldo because I dont want to be 20 and already divorced. He doesn’t show love though. When we first met he did until I moved in and we married right away, I’m scared he’s using me because he’s an immigrant… He is always yelling now and acts like he hates me. I guess I have to face my fears and leave.
I did not realize when I married my husband that he was only looking for a trophy until I became physically ill with cancer. He said he did not want to have a sick wife because he had a sick mother his entire childhood.
Well he ended up asking me to call a divorce lawyer one day suddenly and wanted everything to end. I called a lawyer and he asked me why so suddenly my husband wanted a divorce. I told him I did not know and immediately he thought my husband was dating. I explained I did not see any signs of another relationship.
Until one day I discovered he was on a Mail Order Dating Service promising marriage to several different ladies.
So basically he bullied me into a divorce. Within days of the divorce being finalized he left the country to find his new love. Needless to say he did actually go with one of the girls he had been corresponding with and did not get engaged or married to her. We continue to live together and just recently I found him on another dating service in a different country so he is back at it. I think he plans to leave in September.
He is trying to get out of paying my settlement. I am very discouraged and depressed about the situation. I
really loved this man but I know I must move on and I also hate fighting. I am older now and I really wanted this marriage to work. We have been together for over 20 years but he is looking for a beautiful young wife
and I have to accept this situation for what it is. I need to move on but in order to do this I need my settlement and a lot of emotional support. My energy is drained and I have no self-esteem left.
Yes, guys, it does sometimes happen the other way around but obviously not often enough for it to be written about in men’s magazines … they’re too busy explaining how to get good fellatio maybe? Why don’t you ask a men’s site or mag to do a few features articles on it instead of trying to make these women feel as if they have no right to complain.
I don’t stay because he’s abusive, I stay because I fear he could become so if I leave. Married 16 yrs. Sometimes he could be somewhat of an emotional ‘bully’ yelling and flaring his nostrils, doing his ‘man’ thing. I would immediately shut down since I am soo not a fighter. This wasn’t often, maybe once or twice a year in a particularly heated argument – especially if he was CLEARLY in the wrong. Then I asked for a divorce and furniture started flying, walls got holes, doors slammed and broken, things flying at my head. Talk of how I was ruining his life and everything he had to live for, etc. I basically backed off because of my fear that this would progress to the awful stories you hear of in the news, or at the very least, that even if we did divorce his anger would be devastating and damaging to us raising our 6yo.
I stay because it’s easier than leaving. He doesn’t beat me. He just doesn’t love me. We stayed together for our new baby. I knew from my first day I moved my stuff into the house that he didn’t love me or feel any enthusiasm for our union, because he didn’t empty any cabinets for me or even throw away his ex wife’s douches and lubricants under my side of the bathroom sink. He didn’t even want to go out and celebrate my moving in. He’s only done one family holiday. Instead of buying a ring and marrying me, he put a down payment on a bass boat. I never felt like he loved me. In this relationship, I live with a cold, unceremonious man who expects me to work 7 days a week and raise children on my own while doing all of the housework. I have a good job. I make $60000 a year. I don’t have to stay. But I don’t have to sweat bills like I used to and my kids are in a better school district. Considering that I’ve never been treated well, it’s just par for the course of my life. So I live my life with a cold, selfish, unloving man because he is kind enough to allow two children who aren’t his dwell under his roof with their baby brother and their mother. When he is disrespectful, I deal with it and cry on the way to work. It’s not better than living alone, but it’s better than living alone and paying all the bills. I sacrifice my happiness for my children’s education and their quality of life. I have accepted that I may never know life with a loving man. That only happens in fairy tales. I recently have up on him bring any sort of companion and now look to my friends and family to treat me with life, instead of driving myself to am early grave waiting on a man that just doesn’t care and never really did.
Veronica I do sympathise with your situation. When your vunerable like you were from your past it’s easy become entangled with a partner who has abusive potential. The hardest thing is that this type of abuse erodes confidence and the ability to be able to leave. It also leads to having a very limited number of people you get to sustain connections with so somewhat isolating you. The fact that you have managed to have a part time job is great and promising. You ought to see a lawyer to find out if it is to your advantage to go for a settlement and divorce now. If any of your teenage sons are under 18yo and remain with you it can increase your settlement aside from him needing to pay for them anyway. If you look poorer with a part time job your settlement is far more likely to be higher than if you looked self sufficient with a full time job. It looks good you tried , but you don’t yet want a fulltime job untill finishing a settlement in your favour. Try and save if you can some money to start paying a lawyer something to commence on a settlement though don’t let that hold you back from getting initial advice. Many lawyers if they can see assets he’d have to give you will let you deffer paying them. You may get the house or it be sold and be entitled to half or more of the proceeds. It’s hard, but if you’re really close to going, do it as soon as you get legal advice without him knowing for as long as practical.
A loveless marriage is a very reasonable proposition under certain circumstances. If it’s been a lengthy marriage, they can be confident that their husband won’t suddenly leave them, would be financially worse off if divorcing and the husband is not abusive or personality disordered. If the alcoholism has been lengthy enough to determine that it doesn’t cause abuse and violence towards her, remains inane, grotesque without major impact on material assets it too can be endured.
Smart women create friendships and follow interests, becoming self sufficient and behave respectfully and with a degree of consideration towards their stranger aquintance spouse.
Logically negativity expressed gains nothing and there is power in driving civil behaviours. At the same time clearly indicate significantly disrespectful behaviours or words to you aren’t acceptable. If you can set an irreproachable bench mark you can say whatever is undeserved , unwarrented and expect to be treated with the same curtesy and respectful treatment you deliver and he can write his peeves in a private diary , but not subject you to them. Do add though if he wants to make reasonable request or express a complaint appropriately then do so.
The alternatives in starting over entail the building up of independance, friendships, finding intersts to persue, are the same without the material means and no security and less fit in society. Add to that becoming later a burden on ones children for extra assistance and complexity over visits at festive times.
There are few possible pay offs by leaving. One is in not needing to have to be fitting in with anyone, being able to live in less order. Another can be the potential for some episodes of brief exciting sex that ends with hopeless anti commitment, left over men.
Realistically not that many people have love left in their marriages, but continue. The least unhappy loveless marriages are where spouses don’t dwell on the angst of being in a loveless marriage, but get a life while remaining.
I went through a most interesting learning episode in social work dealing with elderly persons support services. I dealt with women who truly had been in loveless marriages with demanding husbands who were gruff even when ailing and these wives endlessly complaining about them. Then when the husband died I was so stunned on my follow up visit that the wife wasn’t relieved or jubilating, but deeply distressed about loosing him. The invisible connection and caring over time can be a lot deeper than others or even the wife knew until he was gone.
Today’s error is in setting too much store on “love”, “meaningful communication”,”sharing enough in common”, “still being attracted to a spouse”. Good reality would be to realise long term marriage means your spouse gets you as your lover and best friend, then becomes a buisness partner, a family member and occasional f-ck buddy.
I’ve been in a bad marriage for a long time. I can’t remember the last time we were intimate or, for that matter, the last time he really kissed me. But I can remember the last time he yelled at me – yesterday, the day before, the day before that, the day before that, etc. I was sexually abused as a child and I know that has a lot to do with why I chose him. I’ve been telling myself for 20 years that things would get better but they haven’t. I have two beautiful teenage boys and I’m ashamed that I’ve allowed them to be a part of this. They’ve witnessed his verbal abuse to me and to them as well. But I am terrified. I’m almost paralyzed with fear. You see, I have no support system – no friends I can count on and no family. I have a part-time job and have been trying to get a full-time job because I don’t want to have to rely on my husband when I finally get the courage to leave. I sound pretty pathetic but I know I have to make this happen. If anyone is reading this and hasn’t spent 20 years with someone who is not very nice to them, leave now. The longer you stay, the harder it gets.
Too many of us put ourselves or self respect on the back burner and when I say this to one I say it to myself.We as women put too much emphasis on our so called loved ones. We go through heaven and hell. Many times my mom and my sister told me to just take care of you and those kids. I’m so tired of begging my husband of 2 years to get help.He grew up angry I guess I just brought it out. Now Im learning he’s passive aggressive, next I ask him do he love me.. he didnt really love me. He pulled this crap with his ex.(just to see what she say) I’m going through bad stress. I know I am not alone. Ladies if you have to seperate take the kids and just take a breather.
I plan on doing it. My husband is 27 acts like a child. We both verbally abuse each other.We dont think enough to stop and say kids are involved.No matter who talks to him he wont listen. my main reason for staying for now is because of my beliefs. God hates divorce and no matter how unfair it sounds. I still want to leave. I would rather leave or seperate to get myself together than to stay with a man who wants to bring horrible morals into a home.
And if I could I would tell his mother right to her face how horrible she is for bringing kids into the world and never showing them love.All she wants is money and gossip…God forbid our daughter turn out to be like his family.
I wish I could or even someone else could start an organization for women to get their self esteem back,our confidence to take control over your situation not your boyfriend or your husband. I wish I could lend a hand to broken hearts and depressed women to fight hoplessness. Let us cry together not the tears of sorrow but tears of joy and happiness. To raise our children to be actual children of the future. To show them to be great leaders and not followers. To not be intimated or easily moved, shaken or stirred by a man.To hold our ground and find peace whenever we walk. To breathe the air of dignity and wisdom. Its not a fairy tale its to keep you sane.
Helen-Marie – I don’t want to advise you but I would ask you to consider:
You can live without this man
You can bring your beautiful boy up without all this arguing and turmoil in his life – imagine how wonderful just the two of you would be.(millions do it very, very happily)
There are stacks of men who love and take on families so your future needn’t be empty of a different kind of love than that for your son.
You son’s father can have access and you can be ‘friends’ with work.
Be brave
Good luck
Hi,
I just stumbled upon this and have no one else to talk to so I would really appreciate anyone’s opinion on this problem.
I have been with my boyfriend for less than 2 years, however we have had an (unexpected) amazing baby boy but we hardly knew eachother when I fell pregnant even though we thought we did.
Now, we have been going through such a bad patch since my son was born, he is 8 months old now. When we get on we are fine, although more like ‘mates’ now when we argue they are severe arguments, I am scared of him when he flips and dread him coming home from work in case he is in a bad mood. He will follow me around arguing with me until I break down, asking why? to everything I say and he makes me say things I don’t mean.
In an argument yesterday he said to me he will never ever marry me as he believes I am a horrible person (with little evidence to back this up except I chose another man over him at the beginning of our relationship) he doesn’t think he loves me and that in the future, if he meets anyone who is a better person than me he will leave me.
I am wondering why I am still with him. An hour later he is speaking normally to me asking why am I in a mood, as if he said nothing! I am trying to finish my degree as well as be a mum and he has said he doesn’t give a f*** about my work and he will dump me if I fail
Please help
Me and my husband got together in ’99. When I got with him I found out he had a girlfriend and was an habitual cheater. I was young and I didn’t care, so after about 1 year we had our daughter and another. He went to prison and I found out he had 2 more kids. I was upset so I decided not to deal with him anymore. He got out of prison 2 years later and I brought my childrento visit him. After 2 weeks w decided to give this another go. Everything has been good for the past 9 years. We just got married Sept. 2010. So in Aug. 2011, he had to get custody of one of his children that he had from one of those one night stands. I feel a certain kind of way. All those negative feelings came right back. It bothers me having to take care of his problem. I’m sorry if I sound mean but I thought I forgave him but I guess I didn’t. Please help me I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
I have been in this marriage for 5 years now and have one three and a half year old child. My marriage is loveless and all I am doing is just fulfilling my responsibilities of marriage….. Even sexually. Love has been of great importance to me all my life and I had always yearned for a mans love but perhaps it is not in my Fate. I used to love my husband a lot after marriage but few things happened and every dream of love just shattered. Although they were not big issues but it did leave all aspects of my marriage scarred emotional as well as physical. Nothing seems right but I just cant walk away. I Am scared….. very scared , so I seek solace in other things and try to keep myself busy… but the truth exposes itself time n again
Kim. You sound like you would like to leave but you’re torn by your responsibilities to yourself, your children and even regarding your feelings for your deadbeat husband. Take it from me (45 years married) he won’t change. If you are ready to be on your own again, you need to call a hotline for abused women. They can help you to remove yourself from his clutches without endangering yourself or your children. I don’t envy your position and my heart goes out to you. You really do deserve better than what he is able/willing to give you. And if you are having these problems so early in your marriage, it’s not a good sign for the future. Your children will be damaged by watching how he treats you. Not to mention what it will do to your self-esteem as time goes on. I will project a lot of good thoughts in your direction. You are in my prayers.
I have been married a little over a year, although we have been together for 4 years. I am the only one who works, full time, goes to school full time and raising 3 sons, from a revious marriage. He does nothing but lay in bed and smoke weed and other drugs Im sure of it. He doesnt work, wont look for work, goes and does as he pleases,spends weeks at his mommas because she needs his HELP. WHile I am at home doing everything I am responsible for and taking care of HIS grandfather. He doesnt clean, cook, work or help withhis grandfather. He thinks my money is his money and should be able to take and spend whatever he wants on whatever he wants, (drugs), and I am suppose to be ok with this because no one else would want me with 3 kids. He allows his friend to be very cruel to me, allows his mother to be very cruel to me, and I am not allowed to defend myself to them because they are his family and long time friend, but he wont defend me to them at all. and he thinks this is ok. I have had enough but I don’t know how to leave because I do truely love him, but I know this will never change and I don’t want to always live my life this way. I feel that if he loved me the way a husband loves a wife, it would come naturally to protect me, want to take care of me, not hurt me, verbally and pyhsically. What do I do? How do I do it? When I tell him I am leaving he swears things are going to change and he is going to get a job and help. But it doesnt happen. We are getting a huge refund back this year mainly because of MY kids and the fact that IM in school and my job, and he thinks he is entitled to half of the refund. He work 5 months out of the year, and 80% of the income was made by me. Tell me what you think. I need all the advice and encouragement I can get.
We had our oldest at a young age and divorced after six years only to get back together, and have another child who is now 10. He’s a great dad, but a lousy partner. We don’t have anything in common anymore and barely speak to one another. He’s incredibly cold and I can’t even tell you the last time that he gave me a hug (way too many years ago). I feel like I deserve so much more but I feel like I’m trapped until my youngest graduates. Like the other women, I don’t want to disrupt his life. Even though I work, have my own accounts and own a house, I don’t want make my child feel that he has to make a choice. At the times, the loneliness is so difficult to deal with and it can be so depressing. It’s a miserable existence but it’s not forever even if it feels that way!
Sally, I know how you feel. I am married 43 yrs this year. I am 62 and he 63. We had two children and now 4 grandchildren. Which he adores and is a wonderful Poppa. He too drinks and hides the fact, I actually don’t care anymore. His worst problem is he says things without thinking of the consequences and I am embarrased to be around him. “Mouth has no filter”..I stay because ????????
Rich without $
Rich, you’re right that there are men who experience the flip side of this problem. But the topic is “Why do Women stay in Loveless marriages?” Maybe there is another blog that addresses the same problem for men. I would be interested in reading that as well.
Caroline, you sound like a wise woman. He doesn’t deserve you.
I stay because this is a way for me to fix myself. Weird? Maybe! We dated for 6 months before I became pregnant and moved in. He never officially proposed but we got married, bought a house and had 2 more kids. What I deal with now is partially my fault because I am insecure and I have little confidence. He once said to me that if it wasn’t for the kids, he would have left a long time ago. After 8 years and a lot of mean comments, silent treatments, etc… I’m the one realizing I don’t love him anymore but I now have to focus on me and the kids, live without his love and learn to love myself. If I leave, I am avoiding it all I think. I don’t blame him for my unhappiness, I blame my poor choices motivated by the fear of never being loved. Turns out what you are afraid of, you attract!
The love has been gone. No passion, no communication, just strangers living under the same roof. No help around the house, no help with baby, just silence and distance. I have better conversations with strangers than with him. Sad I know. I am officially working on the only reason to leave. The life, love and sanity of my child and myself. That’s all that matters now. Why waste time, energy and potential happiness, on someone who isn’t. Worth it, and that you no longer love. Go find your happiness, even if it consists of being alone!
well the only reason i’m staying is not because of the time investested or because of my child. I woke up one day and all that i felt for him was gone, I nolonger cared or loved him, I never wanted any intimacy with him. All because of the different women he kept on bringing into our lives. Well i also realised that we are just two people raising a child together. But i stay because i want to hurt him so badly, that desire to do so in me engulfs me so much, i am just working on my plan so patience is essential. I have become the perfect woman, i am making him fall inlove with me everyday, i am becoming more involved in his activities and he feels he has to do more to show me he loves me and he does, but i am having an affair that i made sure he found out and he still forgave me and he thinks its over but its not. He does his best to make me happy but i am not there anymore…little does he know that all his effort will be crushed when he least expects it.
I’ve been married for 45 years to an alcoholic who sneaks to drink. He has taken us through bankruptcy by running up credit card bills while unemployed. We have moved 20 times during our marriage, mostly because he lost his job and we had to move somewhere else. We have two kids who are grown now and one grandchild.
Today he confessed that he had run up $5,000 in credit card bills. He told me that after I told him I inherited some money from my deceased uncle. He wanted me to use the money to pay off his bills.
Why do I stay? In the beginning I thought he just needed to grow up and he would become a better husband and father by learning to do things better. He went to a psychologist for 5 years one time but nothing changed. We also visited 4 different marriage therapists over a period of two years. Nothing changed except that we set up separate bank accounts and divided the bills between us. I looked the other way and gave him a chance to grow up and become responsible with money. I allowed him his space. He needs a lot of space.
I felt very lonely when he went through a depression that lasted 15 years. I had to find my own life and develop my own friends. He is pleasant to me now, but he doesn’t know that I know he drinks every day before coming home.
I’ve come to realize that divorce won’t solve anything. I’ll be alone, and at the age of 70 who wants to start another relationship. He’ll be alone, too, and he won’t make it. I worry that he can’t make it without me to take care of everything. He is very irresponsible in every sense of the word. And he is 73 years old now with a multitude of physical and mental problems.
Why do I stay? Because although I don’t love him, I care about him and I would worry what’s happening to him if he were living alone. Our grandchild adores him and he would worry too if Grandpa were alone. He would wonder why Grandma can’t take care of Grandpa and he is too young to be able to take care of him himself.
It’s been a hard life for me and I sometimes wonder if there would have been someone else who would have treated me better. Now I know there never will be – and there’s this to consider. He is who he is with all of his faults. He is not capable of loving me the way I want to be loved. He is complicated as we all are, and there is a lot of good in him, but his mental problems bring pain to me. No one else feels it. He reserves his worse treatment for me. But I would miss him if he were gone.
His children have never had to feel the pain of his drinking. As a father, he was a good playmate. Mom handled all the discipline and the necessities. They probably grew up missing having a father figure. But they don’t go through the pain.
It’s been my job to keep everything looking nice from the outside. People would probably be surprised if they knew the secrets. It doesn’t really matter what they think, though. That has never stopped me from doing things.
I think our children would be angry with me if I left him, because they feel it is my job to take care of him. And it would be awkward for them to have to handle visits with two parents after all these years.
And then again, there is the problem – I care about him and would worry about him.
my kids, thats about the only reason i’m here. never know maybe one day he will put the bottle down and notice me but i doubt it. For now i have to endure the decision i made to be with him. I have to much to complain and be upset about but i’m still here and until i leave i have no right to speak out about it. worked super hard to loose weight after our third baby but he could never compliment me or encourage me, would just be annoyed if i spoke about myself as that is considered being selfish and big headed. But i did it i got back to before all babies weight and because i had no one being proud of me i fell back into my eating disorder. But i know he likes it. not sure if its because he loves super skinny girls or because he knows how fragile i am when i am like that.
Rich ~ Yes, I agree that bad relationships and loveless marriages are more woman-focused than man-focused. I think that’s because men don’t talk about bad marriages or loveless marriages as much as women do.
Rabi ~ Thanks for your comments. Sometimes it is worth staying in a marriage that isn’t as loving as you’d like, for the sake of the kids. I hope you and your husband find ways to reconnect and love each other again.
the reason why i remain in my loveless marriege is because of the children. we have four lovely children which i felt that divoce will obstrcut their well being. moreover i think my husband love me but he doesnt know how to express it and he dont want to take counseling.
It’s always about the poor women this, poor women that! Whenever it’s about Men getting used, cheated on, beat on, not-Loved, dumped, etc. All you will hear about it in/from western societies, is the wind blowing and not a peep.
Thanks for your comments. I also think that staying in a loveless marriage is a form of security. The hell you know is better than the hell you don’t know!
Money is a huge reason women stay with men who don’t love them, or men they don’t love.
No way you can compare having no relationship with having no money, with no money you can’t survive, with no relationship yes you can.
You can’t say those two things are at the same level.
i have been through relationships where men were non-committal. then i have had friends that have been married and wished they were single because they are married but deal with too many pressures. sadly, even though i once desired to be married, i feel less, and less wanting of marriage. i hope this is not a negative thing. i just feel i do not want to sacrifice more. i am a single parent and the thought of sacrificing emotionally especially to accommodate another person, is not welcoming. with my child i can do it, that’s different. just not sure i can do that for an adult.
I would not leave house, 401k, savings, money, health insurance and a comfortable life behind. I rather would stick it out. I have been married for 35 years , the last 10 years we lived seperate lives. He has a girl friend now.
what about these 5 reasons for me no money, no job, no car, no family to help and no friends. None of the reasons above apply to me. If I just left I would have nothing and be homeless. What about those women???
Thanks for your comments and tips for why women stay in loveless marriages. I think every wife has a different reason for staying in a bad relationship – and even if she understands her reasons, she may still stay stuck!
You missed one: money.
Marriage is hard work. Other than love, it requires commitment, trust, patience, understanding, and all those other positive characteristics that your mom says you should possess. It’s not like your day job that you can just quit and leave once you find something new. So unless you can see yourself doing this kind of work over and over again for the next 100 years, don’t commit and spare the other person her own 100 years.
“Never commit to something you’re not 100% sure of. Think and rethink. I know men are sometimes unfairly characterized in these kinds of situations, but you gotta admit that it’s usually the guy who gets to ask the big question. Knowing how emotional and attached women can get, make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into and that you can see through it in the end. Those who “”initiate”" should be the last to quit.
“
That’s why I say never plunge into marriage. Test the waters first and see if he’d be a good partner or not. And never ever invest your full energy in a relationship. Leave some for yourself. When you love and respect yourself, you won’t allow jerks to do jerky things to you.
How come its all about women taking the beating when it can be the other way around? It does happen that women are at the wrong end of the relationship and it is the men who had to patiently wait and fix the relationship. Write something about that.
Being in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship is one thing. It’s easier to let go as there are not much to think about. Unlike in marriages: you have to think about the properties, the investments and most especially the kids. You can’t blame women for not leaving a relationship. There are just too many things to think about and being emotional creatures, it can cloud reasons and make less than smart decisions that are made for good intentions.
I have read somewhere that most women get the “superhero” syndrome when they get into relationships. When they meet a man with shortcomings, they tend to believe that with the power of their love and care, they will be able to change that man into a better person and that they are the only one who can “”save”" him. I guess it comes with the motherly instincts, or from watching too much drama series on TV.
You know what they say: bad habits die hard. And when you’ve been hooked on a relationship for a long time, women will find it harder to quit, even if they know in their heart and mind that it’s time to leave. I guess more than will power, a hard slap on the face (literally and figuratively) should make the girl face reality. And that may not even be enough for her to wake up.
If I’m the guy and I know that the relationship isn’t working after doing everything to save it – marriage counseling, second honeymoon, I’ll be the first person to tell my wife/girlfriend that it’s time to move on. It will be hard for the kids (if there are any) but it will be harder for them to see their parents fighting night and day or worse, not talking as if the other person doesn’t exist.
It’s not just the women who stick around the marriage because of the kids. Men do that too. Men are just more of doers than sayers compared to women. Just because we don’t talk it or discuss it doesn’t mean we don’t care about it.
It’s common to hear about battered women, but not common to hear about battered men. But there is such a thing. I guess women are just more vocal about these kinds of things than men that’s why they get more sympathy out of it.