Aug 112011
 

scared to loveTips on loving someone who is scared to fall in love with you because of fear, insecurity, or a painful past relationship. If you’re scared to love, you need to read this.

These relationship tips are inspired by a reader’s comment…

“I dated a great lady for 11 months,” says S. on my article about how much you should tell your finace about your past. “She chose to end the relationship. Now that it’s over, I realize I love her dearly. We exchanged emails – the only way she would communicate with me. The true reason for ending the relationship…something happened to her 30 years ago that she says she has never got over. She will not talk about it. I am the only person she ever mentioned it to. The event has left her guarded to the extent where she prefers to live her life alone, without relying or trusting anyone. She had counseling but it did not work. Now, she now accepts this is the way she is. She felt our relationship was becoming too serious so decided to end it abruptly. I’m heartbroken this has happened and really don’t understand that two people have deep feelings for each other and yet she is not willing to work things out. I am only too happy to continue as we were before, by accepting her fears but she will not…Is there any hope or shall I just let her go?”

First, I think you need to learn more about fear of intimacy, from books such as Stop Running from Love: 3 Steps to Overcoming Emotional Distancing & Fear of Intimacy. You might even consider sending her the book and letting her decide if she wants to pursue healing and forgiveness.

Remember that what helps one person overcome fear of intimacy (running from love) may not work for another. And, just because counseling was ineffective once doesn’t mean it won’t work now! Sometimes we don’t connect with our counselors, or we’re too scared to tackle our problems. The timing wasn’t right, perhaps.

Here are a few thoughts on running from love…

When You’re in Love With Someone Who is Scared of Love

There’s a fine line between harassing her, and being available to her if and when she’s ready to stop running from love! These tips will help you toe the line…

Accept the fact that guardedness is a companion that isn’t easy to break free from

Fear of intimacy or emotional disconnection isn’t easy to overcome. It’s a process that takes years, and may never be completely “gone.” I was scared (terrified!) to love and be loved back; it took a year of counseling to help me be aware of my guardedness and allow myself to be emotionally available and vulnerable with a man.

In fact, I still withdraw from my husband when I’m hurt, angry, confused, or scared. I’m deeply in love with him, but I won’t hesitate to push him away. Luckily, after six years of marriage we both recognize when it’s happening. He calls me on it.

Remember why love is scary: because it leaves you vulnerable

It is very difficult for anyone to change, much less someone who is scared to love and be loved in return! Love is an emotion that leaves you totally exposed to big and little hurts, major and minor pains. I’m actually surprised that more people aren’t running from love.

The guardedness – my counselor called it hiding behind my wall – feels like a part of who we are. We feel safe and protected behind our walls, and it’s not easy to expose ourselves to the frightening world of love. Love is scary for everyone, but it’s terrifying for people who have been badly hurt during their childhoods. They’re scared to fall in love again because they’re protecting themselves.

However, just because you understand why the one you love is scared to love you back doesn’t mean you should continue in the relationship! Read Making Relationships Work – How Far Should You Go?

Learn about the dance of intimacy – and back off

I recently attended a live marriage counseling session; the therapist said 95% of couples do a pursuing/being pursued dance. The more the pursuer chases, the farther and faster the pursued runs. Maybe it’s not a dance – maybe it’s a chase!

The more you email, call, write, or text the person you’re in love with, the more you’ll push her away. If you want more emotional connection – more love – then you need to give her time and space to breathe.

Give your lover a chance to miss you, to breathe, and to figure out if she wants to learn how to safely love you.

Remember that being scared to love can only be overcome by one person

You can’t do much to reduce the fear your lover feels. Only she can decide that she doesn’t want to be scared of love…and only she can take action to overcome her fear of intimacy. The tricky part is how hard counseling is. It forces you to face the reasons you’re afraid of falling in love, and it requires you to work on your thought and behavior patterns. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

If you don’t know if  your partner is scared to love you back, Signs of Emotional Distance in a Relationship.


Fix Your Marriage

Are you in love with someone who is scared to love you back? Comments welcome below…

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When You’re in Love With Someone Who is Scared to Love You Back
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Tips on loving someone who is scared to fall in love with you because of fear, insecurity, or a painful past relationship. If you're scared to love, you need to read this.
I welcome your thoughts, but I can't give personal advice or feedback. It may help you to share your experience in the comments section below - writing often brings clarity and insight.

  8 Responses to “When You’re in Love With Someone Who is Scared to Love You Back”

  1. You mention that your husband calls you on it when you push him away and withdraw….how does he do this? What does he say to you?

  2. I was walking with a friend today, and she said her new boyfriend is scared to let himself fall in love with her. She decided to end their relationship because she wants more from him than he can give her.

    It’s a personal choice – there is no “right or wrong” way to cope when someone you love is scared to love you back.

  3. Hi Kim,

    It sounds like he knows what he wants — which is not to fall in love again, because he’s been hurt in the past! Letting him go is your best option. I wonder if he’s open to getting counseling, to help him deal with his past relationship breakups? That would be ideal for him.

  4. Hello- well I met this guy and we both instantly had a connection. He’s had a hard past and he got married at 20… He’s now 32 and I’m 25. He told me he told himself he will never allow himself to fall for a woman again. He has told me he likes me so much but he will become distant and I won’t hear from him. He will say things like he’s trying to reach out with his feelings of how he likes me then once I start overwhelming him with my feelings he distances himself more. So I decided to let him be and let him miss me. So time will only tell. I love this man so much and iv been researching a lot on his issues just to try to understand him more.
    Thank u
    Kim

  5. Hi Bryan,

    How would it change your relationship if you told your girlfriend that you love her? I understand that that’s what you’re asking ME, but I’m asking you to think about it slightly differently.

    What difference does it make if she knows you love her?

    In other words, what’s wrong with being in a relationship with her and not telling her you love her? Why do the words need to be said?

  6. So I have recently come to the realization that I’m in love with somebody. She is a very guarded person and has explicitly told me that the fastest way for someone to push her away is for them to tell her that they love her. Because of this, I am holding off on telling her for the time being. She has told me that she was raped in the past by her boyfriend at the time and that he treated her very badly. It is also of note that she once told me that she believes I was “sent to [her] by God to restore [her] faith in men,” which is at least a good sign I would assume. She has been very busy lately (or at least that’s what she says) so we haven’t gotten to see each other very much. I’m worried that she might already be pushing away (although she has had seemingly valid excuses for not being able to see me). I’m also worried that she will push away for good if I express my feelings for her. I’ve never had any experience with this sort of issue and I am completely lost as to how to approach this situation. Any advice as to how to proceed would be very greatly appreciated.

    Thanks,

    Bryan

  7. Thanks for taking the time to comment, Steve. I hope you and she have found a way to be together, and that she’s no longer so scared to love you back!

  8. Thanks Laurie for your kind words, having read the article it certainly gives food for thought, particularly the chase part. I did copy and paste your previous article on itimacy to her with the suggestion we work together with what we had but never got a response. As it has been a month since the split I’m accepting now theres nothing further I can do…Thank you for at least giving me an understanding if nothing else.

    Steve

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