When You’re in Love With Someone Scared of Love

    Fear, insecurity, or a painful past relationship can lead to fear of intimacy. Here are a few ideas on what to do when you’re in love with someone who is scared to love you back.

    scared of loveHere’s what one reader said about his ex-girlfriend. “I dated a great lady for 11 months,” says Steve on How to Let Go of Someone You Love. “She chose to end the relationship. Now that it’s over, I realize I love her dearly. We exchanged emails – the only way she would communicate with me. The true reason for ending the relationship…something happened to her 30 years ago that she says she has never got over. She will not talk about it. I am the only person she ever mentioned it to. The event has left her guarded to the extent where she prefers to live her life alone, without relying or trusting anyone. She had counseling but it did not work.”

    “Now, she now accepts this is the way she is. She felt our relationship was becoming too serious so decided to end it abruptly. I’m heartbroken this has happened and really don’t understand that two people have deep feelings for each other and yet she is not willing to work things out. I am only too happy to continue as we were before, by accepting her fears but she will not…Is there any hope or shall I just let her go?”



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    Remember that what helps one person overcome fear of intimacy (running from love) may not work for another. And, just because counseling was ineffective once doesn’t mean it won’t work now! Sometimes we don’t connect with our counselors, or we’re too scared to tackle our problems. The timing wasn’t right, perhaps.

    Here are a few thoughts on running from love…

    When You’re in Love With Someone Who is Scared of Love

    There’s a fine line between harassing her, and being available to her if and when she’s ready to stop running from love! These tips will help you toe the line…

    Accept the fact that guardedness is a companion that isn’t easy to break free from

    Fear of intimacy or emotional disconnection isn’t easy to overcome. It’s a process that takes years, and may never be completely “gone.” I was scared (terrified!) to love and be loved back; it took a year of counseling to help me be aware of my guardedness and allow myself to be emotionally available and vulnerable with a man.

    In fact, I still withdraw from my husband when I’m hurt, angry, confused, or scared. I’m deeply in love with him, but I won’t hesitate to push him away. Luckily, after six years of marriage we both recognize when it’s happening. He calls me on it.

    If you don’t know if  your partner is scared to love you back, Signs of Emotional Distance in a Relationship.

    Remember why love is scary: because it leaves you vulnerable

    It is very difficult for anyone to change, much less someone who is scared to love and be loved in return.

    in love with someone scared of love

    When You’re in Love With Someone Scared of Love

    Love is an emotion that leaves you totally exposed to big and little hurts, major and minor pains. I’m actually surprised that more people aren’t running from love.

    The guardedness – my counselor called it hiding behind my wall – feels like a part of who we are. We feel safe and protected behind our walls, and it’s not easy to expose ourselves to the frightening world of love.

    Love is scary for everyone, but it’s terrifying for people who have been badly hurt during their childhoods. They’re scared to fall in love again because they’re protecting themselves.

    However, just because you understand why the one you love is scared to love you back doesn’t mean you should continue in the relationship. This is one of those times you need to listen to that “still small voice”, and decide what you need to do.

    Learn about the dance of intimacy – and take a step away

    I recently attended a live marriage counseling session; the therapist said 95% of couples do a pursuing/being pursued dance. The more the pursuer chases, the farther and faster the pursued runs. Maybe it’s not a dance – maybe it’s a chase!

    The more you email, call, write, or text the person you’re in love with, the more you’ll push her away. If you want more emotional connection – more love – then you need to give her time and space to breathe. Give your lover a chance to miss you, to breathe, and to figure out if she wants to learn how to safely love you.

    Learn why some people are scared of love

    Trying to figure out why the person you love is afraid of intimacy or attachment might be a never-ending cycle of “maybe this” and “perhaps that.” One research study, however, found that adults who are scared of love had distant parents or caregivers.

    The premise of Dr. Sharon Dekel’s study – she’s a psychologist and researcher at the Bob Shapell School of Social Work in Israel – is based on attachment theory. This theory says that during times of stress, infants want to get close to their parents or caregivers for emotional support. However, if the parent is unresponsive or overly intrusive, the child learns to avoid the caregiver.

    These researchers believe that adult relationships reflect these earlier experiences. When our needs are met when we’re babies and children, we approach adult relationships with more security, seeking intimacy, sharing, caring, and fun. But when our childhood emotional and physical needs aren’t met, we don’t learn how to love. We get scared of love, and off we run.

    Remember that being scared to love can only be overcome by one person

    You can’t do much to reduce the fear your lover feels. Only she can decide that she doesn’t want to be scared of love…and only she can take action to overcome her fear of intimacy. The tricky part is how hard counseling is. It forces you to face the reasons you’re afraid of falling in love, and it requires you to work on your thought and behavior patterns. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

    When You’re in Love With Someone Scared of LoveThe first step is to learn about fear of intimacy, from books such as Stop Running from Love: 3 Steps to Overcoming Emotional Distancing & Fear of Intimacy. You might even consider sending her the book and letting her decide if she wants to pursue healing and forgiveness.

    Are you scared of love? This book is for you. Stop Running From Love offers a simple, step-by-step approach you can use to move beyond your fear of intimacy and start building strong and lasting relationships. The exercises and self-evaluations in the book will help you become aware of how you operate in romantic relationships. You’ll review and reassess your relationship patterns, deciding what changes you want to make in future relationships.

    “Love is something we’re born with,” said Marianne Williamson. “Fear is something we learned here.”

    Are you in love with someone who is scared to love you back? Comments welcome below…I can’t offer advice or relationship help, but it may help you to share your experience.

    Source of the research on avoidant attachment and fear of love: ‘Commitment-phobic’ adults could have mom and dad to blame via ScienceDaily.



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    xo

    43 Responses

    1. Justin says:

      Hello I’m dating my old lover and it is amazing. We met while she was going through a divorce and fell deeply in love. After a few years I realized I was the one who was in love when she told me that she could never fully love again. We stayed together for about 5 years. When I came to the conclusion that she did not want to leave her husband of ten years I backed away in attempt to let her live her life. After 5 years we are dating again and I could not be happier! However in our 5 year seperation she has been serverly hurt and has become so distant that she pushes me away when I show my affection that she used to melt over. She knows and cares that I’m a good man to her but she wants to focus on herself and kids. I deeply madly love and cherish her and her two children and will do anything she asks of me. I just can’t help to look at her with so much love in my eyes she is my everything and I have been waiting for her for 10 years

    2. Berenice says:

      Hi, I am a woman who’s been dating another woman for 8 months now. It’s a pretty difficult situation since she has a 3yr old daughter and still lives with her parents. I really love them both, and I get along wonderfully with the kid.

      I don’t know much about her past relationships since she’s always been very private about that, but she’s mentioned that someone hurt her when she was younger.

      I love her. I want to keep going. But there are times when she pushes me away with no reason, and when I ask she says that it’s her way of dealing with things and that she likes being alone. She completely shuts me out. Now, I try to respect this but it really hurts and when I’ve told her about how I feel she says that it’s her way of dealing with things and it’s the way she knows she won’t intentionally hurt me.

      And now it’s been four days since she broke up with me. We went away for the weekend with her daughter and we had a great time. But when we came back she started acting distant again. And then the break up happened. She told me that she felt terrified, that she loved me but didn’t want to take the relationship to the next level because she felt like I wouldn’t support her, that she had a kid to think of, and that she needed the help her parents provided. Then she said that she just knew that eventually she would stop loving me. But at the end offered to remain friends.

      I know she’s scared because she doesn’t want to loose the support and love of her family. But I’m really heartbroken that she won’t even give this a fight.

      I don’t know if I should keep trying or if I should just let her go.

    3. Laurie says:

      When someone is scared of love, the best thing you can do is give them space and time. If you rush things, you may scare them away. Worse, you may push them into a relationship before they’re ready! And starting a relationship before someone is ready can be disastrous.

      You have time. Don’t chase someone you love; instead, trust that you will be with them if it’s meant to be. Have faith that love will untangle all the fears and problems. Don’t get in the way!

      When you’re in love with someone who is scared of love, you need to take a deep breath and give them room to grow. They will grow towards you….but only when it’s right for them.

      • Neil says:

        And I guess the real dilemma is the not knowing how the other person really feels because they won’t or cannot say. You then have to decide how strong your feelings are for the other person and whether you can wait or need to move on for your own peace of mind. For me – we were going out for 4 weeks – she’d ‘pulled’ away from me for 2 of those – 4 weeks on, we’ve only spoken once and that ‘spark’ or ‘chemistry’ that I thought we had seems to be waning. If only she would or could give me a clear sign – then I know I’d wait

        • Amira says:

          I know exactly what you mean. I am in a same situation. With me and the guy I’m dating it’s been 4 months now since we first started dating. On one hand I think I am seeing the signs that tell me to wait. I see it in his actions. Like wanting a sweater I wore so he can smell me. He is really sweet and affectionate towards me. We laugh and talk a lot about so many things. He trusted me with stories from his past, etc.

          Yet at the same time he doesn’t initiate contact anymore after 2 months. When I do he tell me we haven’t talked for too long. He tells me in some sort of ways that he misses me. At the same time he tells me he doesn’t think about me at all. And that I am the one who isn’t ready for a relationship.

          Even though he tells me he could very much fall in love with me he also says things that hurts my feelings a little bit. Like pushing me away.

          I have the time and patience for him. If only he could let me know if that is what he wants from me. Or if he truly wants me to move on. I don’t want to decide that without being absolutley sure.

    4. Joty says:

      I love somone and he loves me too which he didn’t admitted until last week. now he says that he doesn’t have any confusion on the fact that he loves me but he is confused about the fact of going in relationship. he is afraid because he thinks he is not stable ebough to be in a relationship, he thinks that he will heart me which he doesn’t want. he says that he doesn’t want to start a journey and then in the mid way leave me back as it will heart me. and he won’t he able to take that he is hurting me.
      I love him a lot and I want him with me. but at the same time whenever I see that he is too worried about this fact and this is making him sad I feel like doing anything that can make him feel better, even going far away.
      what should I do???
      How sould I treat him???

    5. dunnoanymore says:

      In a 10 year failing marriage and at work there is this girl I was friends with for a year or so. We were awesome friends, talked well, laughed, walked each other to the cars, hung out , lots in common, ETC. Toward the time I was going for separation with my wife I realized I had some heavy feelings for the friend at work. I never felt anything like this before not even for my wife. At the same time the friend started keeping a little distance. We spoke and it turned out we had mutual heavy feelings, we had some nice moments over about two weeks, we held hands and lightly kissed a few times. I can make her blush on the drop of a hat. But even with that she kept pulling back outright told me she was afraid of getting into a relationship, she felt like she fell too hard to fast, and I am still technically married. She had some real bad relationships which has left her alone with kids. To be honest the first few weeks after we expressed our feelings I pushed her a bit while all the time her telling me she doesn’t know if she should get into a relationship. Though I just wanted to take it slow anyway, it didn’t matter. She kept telling me she just doesn’t know what to do she says she has been over thinking it and the pressure internally is killing her, she is afraid the more time we are together the more it will feed into her feelings. At that point I finally backed off, it was tough but I was being selfish, I knew that. I am in love with her and I am fairly certain she is in love with me but I don’t want to be any cause of any pressure. The fact is I am broken, this really sucks. And it doesn’t help that she sits nearby at work and I hear her voice all day. We are down to awkward hi, byes in the hallways followed up by locking stares, sometimes brief conversation. I backed off about 3 weeks ago but I failed a few times and sent her a txt saying I miss her. Sometimes I get a mutual positive reply sometimes I get static. I did get her flowers for her a couple weeks ago too, I still do not know why I did it. She responded well and was speechless. She did tell me shes still got them even though they are mostly dead. At this point I am going to keep up the backing off without any “failures” because I have no Idea what else to do. This has been the most crazy roller coaster few of months of my life. Sorry for the babble. Any advice would be great.

      • Richard says:

        To dunno anymore.. I think from what you say that you should be patient with her. It sounds like she wants you but is scared. Just take things slow. Women can be strange creatures bro. But they are stronger than us guys. Be patient my freind and hopefully things will work for you and her. I feel for you because Iv been threw it and I know exactly what you mean when you say your broken. Be strong bro. Be strong. To me.. I don’t want to give you false hope but from what youv wrote I think you should let her know your still interested but don’t go in to hard.. I think if your patient you could win this girl.. I know it sounds crazy and hard to understand.. But even though she’s the girl for you.. Just try talking to a couple of other girls as friends ect because when you feel like you are now only a female can make you feel a bit better and stronger.. Be patient bro.. And good luck..

        • dunnoanymore says:

          thanks, im trying….

        • 100% Real(lyNlOVE) says:

          Sorry, but Richard is a loser, but i digress for the matter at hand. U both over thought & 1 of the 3 answer is on this page 1 Have faith that love will untangle all the fears and problems. Don’t get in the way!, two heads were not better then 1 in this case, but thats ok, humans arent perfect either(1 was posted by laurie feb 26th above).

          2. This one, should be 1, but 1 incredibly suits you both so well to, but u both overthought, its just this simple as long as u didnt omit from ur divorce & past & she didn’t either, one door opens, when one closes, so it almost as if ur relationship is a gift from god throwing two good ppl a bone.
          3. I am twisted up over a girl, y im on the site, but enuff with me, if u really care, u will fight for her and she will for u, not mike tyson’s punchout fight, but u catch my drift.

          Im about to discredit my wisdom as ive attemoted to impart it on u, but its the validator of 3, I would wait all my life for the woman im involved with, if thats what she deemed necessary, point being, if i had to makeover hell & turn it into a replica of heaven, it would get done in short order. To have someone care about you outside of family is a rare, unique and profound thing, you only live once & I dont think you waste, if you want to go thru life like i let her get away, then thats on u, i will tell u this, i am scared to let my woman go, never felt that b4 her & i wanted to marry most of them, so hopefully those words helped, thank u for sharing cuz it helped me

    6. Neil says:

      I write this hoping for help and advice. I’ve recently started going out with someone who I knew 20 years ago. We’re both in our early 50’s each with a few failed relationships behind us. She’s been really hurt in the past which has badly affected her, I’ve been hurt as well. Although it’s only been a few weeks, we seemed to have a real connection and the ice was broken fairly quickly and the relationship seemed to ‘flow’. I’m not in love with her, I think she thinks I am, but I do like her quite a lot. She says she loves my company, but thinks I am too intense but won’t talk to me about it. I’ve told her I’m happy to go at whatever pace she is comfortable with. Over the past few weeks I’ve enjoyed the communication, the texting, the messaging and speaking on the phone – just as much as the dates. She sent me this article the other day and I’ve been advised to ‘back off’ and let her have her own space – which I’m trying to do – but I’m conscious that having no contact at all might not be the best thing. I’m already missing saying hello, sharing our day, finding out what we did etc, which we were both actively doing before. Any advice.

      • Richard says:

        Neil.. I think your right. You should still send the odd text ect. At least to let her know your still there for her ect. But just go slow and I know it’s hard to do but sometimes let her chase you. She’s properly scared of getting hurt or being loved. Just be patient my freind. Giving her space doesn’t mean you shouldn’t text her at all. Good luck Neil.

    7. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

      It is so disappointing and frustrating when you’re in love with someone who is scared of love — especially when you know how happy you could be together! You have chemistry, you communicate well, you enjoy being together, and you feel like a relationship could be satisfying and fulfilling.

      The best thing is to give her time and space. If you pursue her, she’ll keep running away. You might text her a hello every month or so, but don’t chase her.

      If someone you love is telling you that she’s not ready for a relationship, then I think you need to respect her. She knows herself, she knows her past, and she knows what she can handle.

      Sincere love allows freedom, space, and room to breathe.

      • Josh says:

        Im in that situation now and have been for a few years. Im crazy out of my mind for this girl but shes scared to love me back. I cant do a damn thing about it. We would be so perfect for each other but she always runs away. Year after year. Im not even interested in other gals except her. Nobody comes close. I wish I could just remove her from my life but I just cant bring myself to do it!

    8. Shane says:

      I was dating this girl for a month. We were old high school mates that reconnected. Honestly, it was an amazing month. Our connection was real and organic. But I noticed immediately, this girl was guarded heavily and expressing her feelings was very challenging. She opened up and told me about her failed marriage. Guy was a drug addict. Stole from her, almost died. Obviously was a very trying time that left her damaged. In addition, she stated she’s a runner. Runs from her problems. Things were going smooth and progressing towards a relationship, when she called to tell me how scared she was. Scared because she hadn’t felt feelings like this in so long and was scared to open up and get hurt. But that she really did like me. A lot. Was supposed to go see her the never week, but I could feel the slow fade happening and she was being a little distant. She ghosted me the next week. I sat in an annoying limbo for about 5 days until she finally texted me. Told me I did nothing wrong, but she realized she wasn’t ready for any sort of relationship. On top of that, she said something was missing and she wasn’t feeling the connection I was.

      I was pretty shocked. A week before she was singing my praises, telling me how great I was etc. Now she says she’s not feeling it. Pretty disappointing.

      Haven’t talked to her since. Any advice is appreciated.

      • worthynyc says:

        I will say contact her once a week, so she knows you like her. But do not tell her to much od how strong you feel for her. As a female who is afraid to be in love the emotions start to spin and a person gets confused and pressure and the only escape it to run away. It almost like being in the lake and feeling like you drowning.

    9. Ace says:

      Without love, I feel like there is no real meaning to life, it keeps me going and gives me hope. I think it’s the key to happiness. In a way, I am a hopeless romantic. I am not very experienced in the world of dating but always wanted to be able love someone and have that love returned to me. I met someone a while ago and started what I felt like was my first real relationship. He told me how he was hurt in the past and that he was afraid of love. He even said he might not ever be able to love. The sad thing is that because he was so truthful to me, I fell in love with him. It made me see how great of a man he was, that he would never lie to me. This period of time where I felt in love, was the happiest and blissful experience, just like I imagined love to be. Stupidly, this happiness was only because I had no doubt in my mind that one day he would love me back. Months past and a couple arguments later, it hit me that I could be terribly wrong. That the truth he told might actually be true; that he could never love me. That we might not have a future together. I’ve talked with him about love again and at that time he didn’t love me. He said love takes time, you can’t make someone love and to just enjoy what we had now. I agree. Love happens naturally and when there’s pressure, it’s impossible. So I don’t talk about it at all. I’ve never even told him I love him, because of the fear that he doesn’t feel the same way and pushing him further away. I decided to wait but now, the wait is starting to take a toll on me. How horrible it is to feel like you can’t express your feelings to the person you love. Now all I can think about is how he doesn’t love me and it is keeping me from loving him 100%. It’s making me compare our love, that I feel like I care more about him than he does me. It’s torture. Maybe if i don’t really love him and is only in love with the idea of love. I just feel like if I knew he loved me, I could be free to love again. The tables are now turned and now I’m the one afraid be in love because it only seems like a dead end.

    10. Douglas says:

      So I’ve been talking to this girl for a while now. We have this connection and I know she feels it too deep down. We think the same, we are always together, she comes to me about her problems and everything. The relationship we have has everything anyone could want in a relationship except for one of the most important things for me, love. It pains me to not be able to tell her I love her for fear of scaring her off. She has been hurt by too many guys and has seen both her parents’ relationship with each other end poorly as well as her mothers second marriage fail after 15 years. Because of this, shes afraid to become attached. Its gotten to the point where I’ve began holding my feelings inside because i would rather hide my feelings than risk scaring her away. What should I do?

    11. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

      Sometimes the deeper the feelings, the faster and farther we run away. It sounds like she knows herself, that she pushes people away. She knows she’s scared of love…but she doesn’t know how to get over it.

      I feel for you. I hope she finds her way back to you.

      • Richard says:

        Thank you laurie. It’s now February. Tammy has been in touch and we chat on the odd occasion. She still has problems and if she decided she wanted to make a go of things I’d still be fully interested. But I don’t know if she will ever be ready for a relationship. I was so devastated when I wrote in December. Iv never felt like that and my barriers went up since. I’m stronger now. But I do try and keep in touch with her and love it when I get a reply. Like I say.. If she wanted to see me again I would love that but I’d be careful not to fall to deep because the pain was unreal. If anything does happen I will keep you informed bless. I think this site is really good. And really helps people. Xx

    12. Richard says:

      I carnt believe I’m not on my own here.iv felt so lonely this last month. I’m not the type toread or write about love but I’m so confused and struggling. I met a girl who started to tex me out the blue from a freind on Facebook.. We text for about a week. She was very nervous about meeting me and when we did finally meet it was great. As soon as the first meeting was over I text her to say how much I liked her and wanted to see her again.. She was so happy because she said she thought I wouldn’t of wanted to see her again and her smile would be gone. So for the next week we seen each other and we was both texing consistently about how much we liked each other and connected. It was real good chemistry and she said to me she never felt feelings like she was feeling for me.. I’m 38 . She’s 32 . Then bang.. Literally she went so distant ect. Didn’t see her for 2weeks and hardly any kinda nice texts.. Just quick replying ect. She tells me she pushes people away and she believes she has post traumatic stress disorder. I’m so confused.. I can honestly say Iv never felt like this. I’m so devastated.. The pain is unreel. I thought I was only person in world right now who feels like this.. Selfishly I’m glad there’s you guys.. My names Richard. I love this girl. Her names Tammy. But it seems we could properly have a great real love but for her being scared or whatever it is. One minute she’s stepping close again. Then the next backing of like a flick of a switch. I feel like I’m in a cold place. Just wind and cold. Feel so alone and just want to hold her. Carnt believe I’m writing this but hey.

    13. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

      What story are you telling yourself about your relationship? The words you’re using to describe your relationship – and yourself – have the power to build you up or tear you down.

      For example, if you say that you’re not strong enough to let go of him and move on, then you won’t feel strong enough to move forward in your life.

      But if you tell yourself a different story, you will feel and act differently. You will empower yourself to make smart, healthy choices in your life.

      How can you change your story so that you feel stronger and more courageous?

    14. Bennie says:

      I met this wonderful girl for the first time about 3 months ago. She was in my bio class at my college. Something about her struck me immediately. I can’t say I knew that I would love her right then and there but I can tell you that I wanted her to bemail mine. And so a couple weeks later I finally got her number and we started texting and gradually hanging out more and more. And man….did I fall hard. She was simply the most breathe taking girl I had ever known. Words don’t do her justice. On her bad days, she’s still worth the world to me. And shortly after we started liking each other, the infamous ex showed up very un happy. I don’t know all of the details but apparently that wound was still fresh for at least him and that was a toxic relationship for her. It mad me extremely angry the way he was talking to her. 1. That’s the girl I love and I would never in a million years curse her out and make her feel so horrible about herself. 2. If you say you love her, you don’t degrade her. It was just a whole big mess for about amother day. She eventually came to me saying how it was wrong of her to not try with me because of someone who makes me so unhappy. I was overjoyed that I was getting to love her again but at the same time very scared for her. Slowly I was finding out more and more that her heart had gone through and naturally I became more worried because of all of this new information that could cause me to lose her. Well about a month later, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. Life is good at this point. I have a blessed life, good friends, and now I have a girl this is way out of my league in every aspect. Then comes the rough part of the story. About a week and two days into the relationship, I get that text. The one that makes your stomach drop, your heart pound, and everything go silent. Im still trying to understand all of this as well. It’s been about 2 weeks since that happened. She cares about me, a mutual friend tells me and every now and then I can see it but she’s very good at hiding her emotions. Part of me wants to let her be with that glimmer of a hope that she’ll realize that she wants me back, and then there’s the realistic part of me that knows that she’ll have enough restraint to not tell me even if she does miss me and that’s what hurts the most. The girl of my dreams won’t let me love her. And I could be totally honest right now and tell you that if I somebody asked me if I know who I’m gonna marry already, it would absolutely be that girl. She’s my heart. She’s my happiness. (Of course I will live without her assuming things don’t workout but I’m praying for her) This girl has me wrapped around her finger and I love it. I wish my heart had the right words to say but words don’t do it justice. I’m at the point now where I know I could marry her one day. She pretty much has told me that me and her just aren’t right. She doesn’t feel right about us. Maybe it’s just the feelings still in me talking but I have no desire to let her go. I don’t know whether I should continue to love her or do what the article says and give her space. Of ours giving her space is my greatest fear right now. Scares the heck out of me. Something has to give.

      • Nikhil says:

        I just felt as if I am reading about my own story. Sadly, even I haven’t figured out a solution for when you’re in love with someone who is scared of love.

    15. Taylor says:

      I’m 17 and just experienced my first heartbreak. This guy that I’ve known my entire life moved back to my hometown this past summer. We reconnected and started hanging out a lot. As the days went on we started getting closer and closer to eachother. After a few months we had started to talk about the way we felt for eachother and I just could never really explain it to him. I finally found the word for it,love. Honestly this feeling I had for him was shocking because I’d never loved someone before and he had gone through enough bad relationships to think that I was using it to get something from him and ultimately he was scared and ran away from the feelings he told me he had. So we stopped talking and hanging out for a month or two. During that time he got a girlfriend. This relationship that I was completely shocked about lasted a few short weeks. When I find out about it ending I decided I needed to talk to him and tell him what was up. I reexplained my feelings with so much passion that I didn’t even know I had. He again told me he was afraid of everything that I had just said to him. I cannot give up on him just yet. I just don’t know what to to say to him anymore to make him realize that I’m not like those other girls. I have no intentions of hurting him or using him. All I want is for a chance that he never gave me.

    16. Maria Walsh says:

      So basically my current situation is killing me. I met this amazing, sweet guy 3 years ago and I have never been so attracted to someone from a first meeting in my life. We both connected instantly. His friend had then told me a few days later that he had recently broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years as she had been unfaithful. When I was told this I knew I wouldnt want to get involved with someone out of such a long relationship. But as the weeks went on he started to persue me and chase me.I couldnt resist him. Eventually we both fell hard for eachother. He made me so happy . But then after awhile, things changed .. he didnt text me as much and never asked me to meet him. Eventually I got sick of being treated this way so I kissed someone else. He then found out and wrote me off completely, even though he wasnt making any effort with me. He completely shut down.I explained to him that I loved him but as the weeks went on I felt like I didnt matter to him. this happened 2years ago. Ever since we still talk and meet up sometimes but he doesnt treat me the same. He says he still loves me but hes not ready to get into anything . I told him I understood but asked why he still trys to talk to me and why he still tells me he loves me. His reply was that he wants me but he isnt ready. Im completely heartbroken. I dont know what to do as I love him and only him but he cant see it. I would love some advice on what I should do .. thank you.

    17. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

      Dear Louise,

      Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience. It takes alot of courage to talk about being scared to love! You have a lot of insight and self-awareness, and I hope you’re able to come to a place of healthy and growth in your relationships.

      I wrote this article with you in mind:
      http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/how-to-overcome-fear-of-love/

      While I don’t give advice, I’m happy to share my thoughts about certain relationship struggles. I, too, was very scared of love…but I didn’t want to be alone. Counseling helped alot.

      I hope this article helps, and wish you all the best.

      Blessings,
      Laurie

    18. Louise says:

      This article makes a lot of sense to me. Every relationship I’ve ever had I’ve ended, mostly after a few months. As soon as my partner tells me he loves me and wants to spend more time with me I run away. I was married for 8 years and thought I had broken the chain but all I did was push him away to. We ended because I needed space and my feelings for him had changed. But that happens with all of my relationships.
      I’ve met my recent ex 7 months ago, we split up a few weeks ago, because I told him I needed space. He’s the first person I’ve actually been with that I think I am in love with. But I concentrate on his faults and strategy arguments when I don’t need to just to push him away, so I can have my space. I don’t want to see someone everyday, but he says he wants to because he’s in love with me.
      I can’t break this circle I’ve created, because I don’t understand why I’m doing it. I do love him and think about him constantly, but whenever we get back on track and the intensity of the relationship comes back, I break things off again. How do I stop? 🙁

    19. Kris says:

      How do you convince someone to stop running scared from you? I meet someone I instantly connected deeply with. It was mutual even though that scared her. She had a bad history in relationships especially one several months prior and was scared to date and let people close. We agreed to be friends 1st and spent a lot of time texting, talking and hung several times. Really enjoyed each other’s company. I did not push being more than friends as I knew she was scared. After a few weeks, she asked me out on a date. It went great and she wanted to see me again. A few days later she suddenly went distant and then MIA. I can only assume her emotions scared her and anxieties came into play. Contacted her a few times no response. Now giving her space. Been a couple weeks since she went MIA. I really like this person and I am completely willing to be patient, just unsure how to proceed. Advice is appreciated.

    20. Andrew says:

      i know its been a long time since this was written, but i would like some feedback from someone who has experience with this.

      so my Ex just broke up with me this past sunday for the second time. She says it is because of a few reasons, mainly that she keeps having this dream of being with another guy which she interprets as a sign from god that we are not going to be together. another thing is that she feels like she doesn’t love me as much as i love her. she is dealing with a a lot of things right now since her grandfather passed away about a month ago. she was hurt in a past relationship where a guy she was totally in love with left her for another girl. since then she has tried and tried again to date guys but most of the time she leaves them for one reason or another. mainly i think because she doesn’t want to fully open up to getting hurt again. she thinks she is unworthy of being loved by someone and so they will want to leave her, and every guys she has broken up with wrights the relationship off so her subconscious probably takes this as a conformation that she was right. back about a month and a half ago(around the same time she started having these dreams) she asked me if i would move in with her for the summer since once school ended we would be an hour and a half apart otherwise. i was unsure because i had promised my parents i would help work this summer. she was not very happy with this and we had a long fight that we eventually came to begrudging terms on. i think what happened is that at this point i failed her subconscious test. she had broken up with me before and we got back together, but i still wasn’t willing to commit to her fully. so in the back of her mind i think this was a huge stop sign. even though she consciously loved me, i think her subconscious produced these dreams as a way of saying “stop!! what are you doing?!?! he is just going to leave you!!! you have to find someone else!!!” and as our relationship progressed, and she started loving me more, the dreams became clearer and more fervent. she didn’t tell me about the dreams at all till we broke up. at this point, she has convinced herself that she never loved me in the way she thought she did, which i know to be crap, and that she needs to move on to what “god has in store”. basically i haven’t told her what i have concluded, and she doesn’t realize it herself. she needs help, and i want our relationship to work. i am going to tell her the truth and offer to help pay if she wants to go to counseling since her family doesn’t have much money. is this a good idea?

    21. Keri says:

      I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. He recently told me he doesn’t no if he loves me. I know he does. He had a hard relationship where he was cheated on. He is so afraid of being hurt again. We are currently on a break and he is trying to find himself. I don’t know how long I should wait will he come around. He is seeing a Counciler. We were very happy up to the day he said we need to take a break. He even told me he is very close to telling me he loves me, but needed to do this.

      • Abby says:

        Dear Keri,
        if you loved you why would he leave. Love is a want to be with and around someone. Take care of yourself Keri. Give him all the space he wants in the world but don’t give him the option to come back whenever he wants. Tell him you love him very much but you’re not going to wait for him. Show him you have standards and you’re not going to take this kind of behaviour from him.
        Girl honestly, go out and get your nail and hair done. Revamp your wardrobe and attract someone who is not unsure of whether he wants to be around you.
        My life experience is that people take things, amazing things, for granted.. until it starts slipping away.

      • Tim says:

        Ok, I’m not sure how I found this website but here goes, I’m in a similar situation (I think), I’ve known this girl for a while and we really really connect. Technically, we were never bf/gf and when we went out the first time, she shortly after said she needed to be friends and really appreciated my friendship. I thought she blew me off, but she meant what she said and we continued to be friends but I’m telling you, this isn’t exactly the friendzone. It was one of the best dates I ever had and I wondered what happened. I was prepared that one day she’ll turn up with another guy, but after 1 year, that hasn’t happened. Our friendship is real close to the point people think we’re going out (there was this implicit exclusivity) but the sexual tension is still there but recently I asked her again about moving forward into a relationship and she said she couldn’t, she said she considered it but couldn’t and still saw me as a friend. I couldn’t figure it out – I knew exactly the risks of being friends but I also knew the connection was real or else I’m the biggest douche in the world. This was something else. The she blurted out from out of the blue “all the relationships I’ve been in failed because of me, I have issues”.
        After much consultation with others the moral of the story is, people who are scared of love are real. Their opening up and attraction to you is also real but their fear is real too. This article is spot on – only they have the power to overcome their own fear. The best way to deal with this is to give them space and in a general sense, move on – you have to face the facts since love just can’t be forced. It is most definitely possible to move forward, I have seen it happen with ample counselling but know it’s an indefinite waiting game. Know that your bf is being honest with you and his “real” intention is not trying to screw you over. People need to be whole when they enter into relationships.

        • Ane says:

          Hi Tim,

          Just had wiped my tears away. I am in the same situation.,I hope i have the guts to tell my whole story.. I thought this is my most awaited “Mr. Forever” after my so many failed relationship..

          I just ask him yesterday, “what are we, we have been sleeping together. We are romantically and intimately doing things as couples do.. We go overseas, i cooked for him, he embraces me.. kisses me.. i can feel that he loves me, but when yesterday..the most terrifying question came out of my mouth ..i asked.. what are we.. he simply told me he don’t want to talk about relationships. (He knew one day i will ask…) He told me “we are good friends,and i am happy” and he asked me aint you happy everyday, i answered yes.. I told him i love him and it is really killing me.. I never heard any response.. After a long hours of silence..

          I told him.. I cannot take, see or message him anymore coz it makes me fall in love more and it is breaking me into pieces…

          I know he needs to figures out his past issues of being afraid to fall in love again and get hurt. I let him go.. A bird will always return into its own nest, it might not be me..I am just taking risk and chances..

          Now, I am really in pain.. I don’t want to wait in vain and it is really killing me.. I just have this faith, if it is meant.. it is meant to be.. I am screwed now, but i know i can recover.. And Tim, you are right “People need to be whole when they enter into relationships”

          I’ve been into many relationships.. I loved, get hurt.. I hope one day.. I can feel to be loved again.. It is the greatest feeling..

          Now Crying..
          Ane

    22. Kearra says:

      Hello..
      I’m going to start off with my age right off the bat, I am 15 years old. I noticed that in this article a lot of marriage-based things were mentioned. As I’m sure you know I am not married, or looking to marry any time soon. My problem is that I have known a guy for about a year and a half now, he started at my school as a new student when I was a freshman and at first we weren’t close at all, but now we are very very close. There is a lot of detail to this story that I’m going to have to leave out for the sake of both of our time. To keep it short, he hasn’t dated in about 3-4 years because his last relationship hurt him terribly… I guess what you might call us is friends with benefits? I recently told him that I love him… and he tells me not to. And he tells me “just don’t think about it”. I told him that I can’t not think about something that I feel all of the time… He also told me that he wished that he could feel like that and that he doesn’t feel any emotions except happiness and apathy. I know that you’re thinking, “She’s only 15, she’s probably not in love. It’ll pass”, I thought the same thing.. but he makes me feel like no other person can make me feel. And back to the “there is more detail” that I won’t share thing, the more details explain a lot… I just really need to know what I can do to help him and explain to him that I do in fact love him and that it’s okay to feel the same way. I don’t necessarily want to help him for me, I want to help him for him. I have considered that he doesn’t love me at all, he just lusts me, and in the end I’m ok with that. I just want him to be happy, and to be able to love one day.

    23. Caleb says:

      You mention that your husband calls you on it when you push him away and withdraw….how does he do this? What does he say to you?

    24. Laurie says:

      I was walking with a friend today, and she said her new boyfriend is scared to let himself fall in love with her. She decided to end their relationship because she wants more from him than he can give her.

      It’s a personal choice – there is no “right or wrong” way to cope when someone you love is scared to love you back.

    25. Laurie says:

      Hi Kim,

      It sounds like he knows what he wants — which is not to fall in love again, because he’s been hurt in the past! Letting him go is your best option. I wonder if he’s open to getting counseling, to help him deal with his past relationship breakups? That would be ideal for him.

    26. Kim says:

      Hello- well I met this guy and we both instantly had a connection. He’s had a hard past and he got married at 20… He’s now 32 and I’m 25. He told me he told himself he will never allow himself to fall for a woman again. He has told me he likes me so much but he will become distant and I won’t hear from him. He will say things like he’s trying to reach out with his feelings of how he likes me then once I start overwhelming him with my feelings he distances himself more. So I decided to let him be and let him miss me. So time will only tell. I love this man so much and iv been researching a lot on his issues just to try to understand him more.
      Thank u
      Kim

    27. Laurie says:

      Hi Bryan,

      How would it change your relationship if you told your girlfriend that you love her? I understand that that’s what you’re asking ME, but I’m asking you to think about it slightly differently.

      What difference does it make if she knows you love her?

      In other words, what’s wrong with being in a relationship with her and not telling her you love her? Why do the words need to be said?

    28. Bryan says:

      So I have recently come to the realization that I’m in love with somebody. She is a very guarded person and has explicitly told me that the fastest way for someone to push her away is for them to tell her that they love her. Because of this, I am holding off on telling her for the time being. She has told me that she was raped in the past by her boyfriend at the time and that he treated her very badly. It is also of note that she once told me that she believes I was “sent to [her] by God to restore [her] faith in men,” which is at least a good sign I would assume. She has been very busy lately (or at least that’s what she says) so we haven’t gotten to see each other very much. I’m worried that she might already be pushing away (although she has had seemingly valid excuses for not being able to see me). I’m also worried that she will push away for good if I express my feelings for her. I’ve never had any experience with this sort of issue and I am completely lost as to how to approach this situation. Any advice as to how to proceed would be very greatly appreciated.

      Thanks,

      Bryan

    29. Laurie says:

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, Steve. I hope you and she have found a way to be together, and that she’s no longer so scared to love you back!

    30. steve says:

      Thanks Laurie for your kind words, having read the article it certainly gives food for thought, particularly the chase part. I did copy and paste your previous article on itimacy to her with the suggestion we work together with what we had but never got a response. As it has been a month since the split I’m accepting now theres nothing further I can do…Thank you for at least giving me an understanding if nothing else.

      Steve

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