When your instincts are flying red flags – you have a bad gut feeling about your marriage – what do you do? Many women get stuck when they think their husbands are withdrawing, not being honest, or somehow leaving the marriage.
Here’s what one reader said:
“I think my husband has cheated on me with my sister-in-law,” says Amanda on Is My Husband Lying About Cheating? 4 Ways to Tell. “My signs are a strong gut feeling…when I talk to him about it, he gets very defensive. He says I’m pushing him away and he turns everything around on me. He makes me believe I have a problem. Do I? What can I do to stop this feeling? How do I find out the truth? My gut will not let it go.”
If you’re in the same situation – your gut instincts are telling you your marriage is spiraling downwards or you can’t trust your husband – you might find a book like Exposing Your Cheating Lover helpful.
Sometimes, before you can decide what to do about a bad marriage, you need to catch him in the act.
When Your Gut Feeling is That Your Marriage is Going Bad…
Here’s another reader whose gut is giving her a bad feeling about her marriage…
“My husband and I have been married a year, and dated five years,” says I. “We’ve gone through our ups and downs! But I started having that gut feeling of cheating last year, even though he promised and swore he was faithful. He even asked me what proof I had – but it’s hard to explain a gut feeling! Time went on and I let it pass. I still feeling guilty for not following through! Now my gut confronts me again…I need answers!”
Where do answers come from? Here are a few places…
Learn how gut instincts work
In Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, Malcolm Gladwell does a bang-up job of explaining how our gut instincts work. We gather and assess information in milliseconds without even being conscious of it. That’s why my reader says, “it’s hard to explain a gut feeling” – because hardly anyone can tease out the exact reasons for gut instincts. Our brains read people and situations so quickly and accurately. All we’re left with is the end result: our gut instinct.
Take small steps towards trusting your gut feelings
If you’re not in tune with your gut feelings, I encourage you to read books like Gut Feelings: The Intelligence of the Unconscious or Women’s Intuition: Unlocking the Wisdom of Your Body. Your instincts are true, right, and reliable.
The problem is that when we see red flags or have bad gut feelings about our marriages, we get distracted by other things. Our husbands, our fears, our desire for our kids to be raised with a mom and a dad, our family – there are so many reasons we want to stay married!
We need to learn to trust our gut instincts because even though they tell us what we don’t want to know, they lead us to our best possible lives. Painful in the short-term, yes. But worth it in the long run.
Take a good, hard, realistic look at your marriage
I absolutely do NOT believe that it’s a woman’s fault when a man isn’t faithful. But, I think it’s really important to understand why husbands stray. It can give you insight into your marriage, how men think, and why some affairs start and continue.
Read Why Men Cheat on Women – How to Stop a Man From Cheating – it’s a summary of marriage counselor Dr Gary Neuman’s research on affairs.
The best tip for women who have bad gut feelings about their husbands
I think the most important thing to do when you have a bad gut feeling about your marriage is to talk to a counselor in person. Get an objective perspective on your marriage and your instincts. Friends and family are often good sources of support, but they’re not necessarily the most objective people on the planet! Articles like this are good for information and facts, but they can’t tell you what to do if you think your husband is unfaithful or your marriage is over.
My friends, the answers really are inside you. You just need to find someone to pull them out of you, and you need to find the strength and courage to take the next steps. And I really believe the best next step is to talk to an objective professional.
Is your gut telling you your marriage is going bad? I welcome your experiences below…
I'm glad you're here! My name is Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen; my husband Bruce and I live in Vancouver, BC with our critters. We can't have kids, and are learning to accept whatever life brings - both good and bad. I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) from UBC, and degrees in Education and Psychology. I hope you say hello below - I can't give relationship advice, but writing can bring you clarity and insight.