How to Deal With Your Husband’s Ex-Wife
“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb,” says relationship expert and author Barbara De Angelis. “It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.”
Part of loving your spouse is learning to cope with his first wife. That’s what these tips are all about: dealing with your husband’s toxic ex-wife before she destroys your marriage.
For added support, read The Single Girl’s Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace. You’ll see yourself in those pages, and you’ll learn how to cope with an ex who drives you – and your husband – crazy!
6 Tips for Dealing With Your Husband’s Ex-Wife
Get the ex-wife on your side – invite her for coffee
One of the best ways to build a healthy remarriage is to get your husband’s ex-wife on your side. I know this sounds outrageous, but think about calling her up, telling her you want the best for her kids, and asking if she can make time to meet you for an hour or so. Tell her you love her kids and want to learn more about them. Compliment her on how she’s raising them – she must have done something right over the years!
Let your husband’s ex-wife get to know you
You want to help her get to know who you are as a person. She’ll be less likely to criticize you if she knows you. It’s incredibly easy to criticize people we don’t know, people we’re perhaps jealous of (after all, you’re married to her ex-husband and her kids probably like you. Of course she’s an angry ex-wife – you’re succeeding in areas she “failed”). But, it’s more difficult to criticize people we know and love.
Tell your husband’s ex-wife what she did and does right
Is she a good mother? Does she have a super clean or well-decorated house? Focus on what she does well, and tell her how much you admire that trait. You’re not being a sycophant or brown noser; you’re focusing on the positive qualities of your husband’s ex-wife. That might soften her, make her less angry or negative. To build a better marriage, you might need to take the first step towards peace and friendship.
Read about dealing with difficult or toxic women
The more you learn about coping with angry, unreasonable people – and setting your boundaries – the better off you’ll be. Do whatever it takes to make your remarriage successful: attend workshops, read books with your husband, go to family counseling. Learn how to dial down your own angry, frustrated responses and how to get the most out of your new marriage. I know it’s difficult, frustrating, and even aggravating – but when your husband’s ex-wife causes marriage problems, you may have to bear the burden.
You may also have to learn about dealing with difficult husbands, because sometimes they cause unnecessary problems with their ex-wives.
Leave your stepchildren out of your marriage problems
No matter how angry his ex-wife is, or how frustrated or hurt you are, don’t involve your husband’s kids in the problems. The kids are (probably) innocent bystanders – and you’d be better off focusing on connecting with your step children instead of involving them in adult marriage and remarriage problems.
To solve marriage problems before they begin, read Second Marriages That Work – 10 Tips for “Happily Ever After.”
Forgive your husband for his past marriage (and choice of ex-wife!)
If you think your husband made a bad marriage choice in the past, shake off your resentment or anger. He was a different person when he met and married his first wife – and so was she. He made the best decision he could, he fell in love, and he thought he was doing the right thing.
Don’t make him pay now for a decision he made years ago…that’ll just tear at the fabric of your marriage. Instead, accept him for who he is as a whole man – and that includes his first marriage and his angry ex-wife.
If you think your husband is part of the problem, read Secrets Husbands Keep From Their Wives.
Do you think you can’t deal with your husband’s ex-wife? Read the comments below – you’ll see you’re not alone.
Category: Remarriages
I have a boyfriend, we’ve been together nearly two years. He has been divorced about 12 years, he and his ex have no children. Recently I found out that my bf son has continued to be in communication with his ex step mom. She has paid for them to go on a trip together along with his young child. My bf does not like it but he won’t do anything about it. He says he will speak to his son but he hasn’t yet. He says he is angry at his ex-wife and that she should move on with her life but he hasn’t spoken to her about the situation. I asked him if he thought something was going on between them and he said he thinks about it all the time. What am I supposed to do with this situation. I was pretty depressed about it and kind of sick of the whole thing. He and his son communicate in a weird way and they do things to make each other angry. They really don’t understand each other at all. I’ve never seen such painful interaction. I really feel like walking away from the whole thing. Any advice?
I’m in a different-ish situation. I am step mom to 2 kids who were orchestrated by my new husband’s ex wife. My husband was forced to marry her because she told him she was taking the pill, after he went back to her a couple months after her faking a suicide in response to his breaking up with her. He was in a job situation at the time that would not have worked for him had he “gotten her pregnant” and not married her. While the kids were both breast-feeding, she made him get up to get them all night, which makes me see the kids solely as accessories for her corporate-climbing life.
After marrying her, she spent all, yes all, of his salary and pre-marital savings through the 5-6 years of “normal” marriage (before she began cheating on him), and her salary, while she saved money she did not divulge in the divorce proceedings. She’s always been trouble, so he knew he was paying her off to make it easy on himself.
They had troubles from the beginning, and after she forced him to sell their first house which he loved and was near his work, they moved to a house close to her work while she forced him to be home early every day to cook for the kids. A year after that, she began an affair with her boss. They hid everything from my husband, and from his (her boss’) wife (nice, right? Both married with kids). She teaches the kids to fight, lie, and manipulate situations. I’ve seen the daughter paint a bruise on her cheek and claim she was hurt. She also lies very frequently. The kids criticize each other, and tell me “well, mom does it,” and I tell them they have a choice with every action and word they execute, and it’s nicer to be nice to people, just as they feel good receiving.
She tells me to be flexible, yet will not give my husband or I an inch since we married (only 5 months ago), whether asking for a half an hour earlier to drop off the kids the day after we married to hang out a bit before he had to leave town for work, or to drop the kids off an hour early so he could come to a concert with me. She wins, every single time. I have tried to ask him to put things to her in kind, fair ways to ask for time requests from her, he is always hesitant to do so.
Finally recently, I chimed in, and saw why. All she could do in response was to lie and waffle, refusing to give me/us that hour for the concert. Her lies happen in a psychopathic/sociopathic manner, without reason except that she needs to be in control. She is unable to give. I am afraid of who she is, moreover, who she is raising her kids, now my step-kids to be. I am also overwhelmed being in what I feel like are voiceless shoes, yet trying to do my best at cooking/providing for the family, and to give the kids a good example to follow, as well as to learn how to deal with these psychopathic lies and manipulations. I end up actually feeling sorry, even, for her new husband, due to things we hear from the kids about their fighting, thinking she’s doing the same thing to him, and taking all of his money too, while relying on my husbands’ parents money, something she’s referred to over and over again, to my husband, and to her kids, and to her new husband, while she herself is making 50% more income than my husband. She is way scary. And I need to learn to “manage” her.
I’ve tried to get close with the kids, have found some activities they seem to love doing with me, and we get excuses from her taking the kids out of custody arrangements to go to appointments she claims are only open on those times, just coincidentally the same times I have plans with them. As many comments here, one would think a mom would instead relish her kids having a good time with (versus hating) the step mom, and encourage that, not lie and manipulate situations to block the bond. She is a nightmare, and… I just need to learn how to deal with her psychology issues.
Your book looks like it may be a good help. Thank you so much for this spot to… see others in this absurd situation, and for writing to help situations like this.
Well I thought I would stick my two pennies worth in! I am the cliche much younger girlfriend that my partner. He left his wife last year, the divorce is yet to be started, however he did not leave her for me, despite her thoughts otherwise, which is course have been made very clear.
After some months, I have come to the conclusion that I will never be accepted as my partners new girlfriend, and actually it doesn’t matter how old I am, she is bitter about the separation and that isn’t going to change.
I received several emails, texts messages via the children from her, all of which I have NEVER responded to. She now doesn’t bother. I keep out of her way, and although she still calls me all kinds to my partner, there are no major problems. Occasionally she seems to pipe up with some issue regarding the kids, putting me first….blah blah. We know better, and we also know that the kids are very happy.
Our/my issue is that I can’t get them to talk sensibly to each other. All they do when on the phone trying to talk about the kids is shout, scream and swear at each other (usually brought on by some comment about me being a ‘slut’) I can half control my partner if I’m in the room but doing ‘calm down’ hand movements to get him to come down off the ceiling. She however is very bitter and can’t help insetting some dig about the kids being unhappy because he ran off with a younger woman. When actually, the kids are unhappy because mum and dad don’t talk. But that doesn’t seem to sink in.
How can I ge them to talk to each other without ripping their heads off?! We have tried the ‘let’s try and sort this out’ email, but she just says that he shouldn’t have left in the first place. Not helpful.
I would not be successful in contacting her and she is still very bitter and according to her thoughts, the reason for their marriage to end (very not true!) so attempting to tell her that good communication would be good for her kids…..not going to go down well, especially as I have none of my own so I ‘can’t comment’.
Any advice would be useful!!!!
BOY THIS IS A SUBJECT I CAN RELATE TO. MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TEN YEARS AND HIS X WIFE NEVER MISSES A CHANCE TO SLAM ME ON FACEBOOK, WITH HIS SON, AND NOW WITH HER NEW DAUGHTER IN LAW. SHE HAS CALLED ME HURTFUL MEAN NAMES AND I AM NOT ALLOWED TO COMMENT AT ALL. THE ONE TIME I DID COMMENT, COMING TO THE DEFENSE OF OUR NEW DAUGHTER IN LAW I SOME HOW ENDED UP THE BAD PERSON. I WAS TOLD I WAS TRYING TO START SOMETHING WITH HER. I TOO FEEL LIKE A DOOR MATT AND I FEEL LIKE I AM LEFT OUT. IT IS CAUSING PROBLEMS IN MY MARRIAGE AND ALTHOUGH I TOO AM STRONG I AM BEAT DOWN. I KNOW THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS BUT IT IS HARD WHEN EVEN YOUR HUSBAND SEEMS TO BE TAKING SIDES. I FEEL LIKE A STRANGER AND THANK GOD FOR MY CHILDREN WHO DO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY CAN SEE WHAT MY HUSBAND CAN NOT. SHE SOMEHOW HAS CHANGED OUR DAUGHTER IN LAWS FEELINGS TOWARD ME AS WELL AS MY STEP SON WHO I THOUGHT I GOT ALONG WITH FINE. YOU CAN ONLY BE NICE FOR SO LONG. I’M THINKING SINGLE AGAIN LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.
It sounds like you all could use some cheering up. We use Our Family Wizard to discuss parenting arrangements and schedules when you have shared custody. Helps cut down on a lot of BS. For those of you where your husband/partner/boyfriend are still communicating with the ex. There are some major boundary issues. I would really consider that you have been WAY too tolerant and it is time you put your foot down. Sending old wedding pictures, slamming you on facebook or myspace, come on get real. Block her why does she have access to your stuff anyway, unless you want her to and are rubbing it in her face. They should not have access to your personal space AT ALL. As far as the children are concerned, they can see what is going on. They love their parents and you too. They are caught in the middle of all of the garbage. Just imagine how you would feel if it was your parents fighting like this. If they don’t get along just leave each other alone, that simple. Be courteous and considerate and just avoid any confrontation. Walk away. NEVER let the kids see the garbage. They don’t need to be involved in this AT ALL. If their Mother is involving them in the fights, or their Father, they are toxic and this is only going to hurt the kids in the long run. Let them sort it out themselves. You can listen but don’t say anything about the parents. The kids will eventually have their own lives and won’t have time for all the fighting and nonsense. Trust me. They will eventually get very sick of it. Don’t take a side, it just causes them to have attitude towards you or blame you in some way. Stay out of it, in actuallity it is their problem. Like it or not those are their parents. My parents have been married over 50 years and are still fighting. I just don’t take a side anymore. You get my point. I listen and don’t get involved or I just say “gotta go the kids need me” works every time. If someone is making things up about you “seriously” how high school. The truth always comes out in the end. Liars always get found out. Besides if she is lieing about you she has probably lied about other things too. Nobody can make up lies about you and force the children to go along with it. I would give up on anyone who doesn’t stand up for you. If he is sucking up to his ex while she is trying to blame you for sexual abuse he is extremely selfish and what is this saying to his children? Run for your life from both of them. They are an extremely toxic family. If he doesn’t talk to the police and to his lawyer about what his ex is putting you through then God help him, never mind you. He is the Father of those children and sounds like a very weak and confused man indeed. You are going to go through living hell. Therapy, mediation, patience, a good lawyer, stamina and lot’s of love and belief in the right thing. That is how you make it work. Don’t let his ex win. If you have to leave for yourself then that is what you have to do. They are not divorced yet. Wait until the divorce is final. Then I would say you have a chance. Get married and DO NOT let her push you around no matter what. In your home you are the Mother. You and your husband make the rules. She has no say and her power only exists in her own home. You make your own rules together in yours. You set the boundaries. The bottom line is you have to be happy. Don’t lie to yourself and be honest about what you want. Tell him how you feel and work together to come up with a plan that works for you. Don’t be afraid to say what you want.
WOW! It is deplorable how these ex’s behave. I have only been with my bf for less than 2 months. I love him soooo much. He has 2 beautiful kids. He is separated and in the middle of a divorce. She does not want a divorce. She is very adamant about how much money she should get from him. She uses his kids to manipulate him. He happens to be one of the few men who love his kids very much and is broken if he is not able to see them. It breaks my heart to see him that way. He tries to stay happy around me but I know how he feels. She fights to control him and uses GOD as her motivation! I believe in God but I would never use the lords name to justify evil actions.
To make matters worse, her daughter spent a weekend with her father and I was with them the entire time. To make a long story short, his ex filed a false police report that I touched her daughter!!!!! I am currently waiting to see if charges will be filed against me. One charge is worth a minimum of 25 years to life!!! How can someone be so wicked????? Can someone explain this? I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy (and I dont have enemies!)
I am lost for words. I am concerned for her daughter who has to endure an invasive examination by a doctor because of all of this. What will her mother subject her to next? He was forced to tell his ex that I am no longer in the picture so as a result she opened up communication with him again and he can see his kids again. I have been praying for her, her daughter, his son and myself.
I know where I want my relationship with him to go but this is a real test for us both. She is pretty much making him choose btwn me and his kids. Which really means choosing btwn her and me. This is so insane!!! He will need to be strong because after this attempt comes more , and more, and more attacks, accusations, whatever works for her! Anyone who takes these lengths you cannot under-estimate. I told him not to tell her about me but he was being naive and sweet (and maybe a little show off, who knows?) so he told her about me 1 month in. Then after that he allowed me to meet his daughter. Obviously this did not sit well with her and she decided to show her wrath.
Her soon to be ex-husband is divorcing her, he is happily moving on, her daughter loves the new girlfriend and she couldn’t find anything tangible to criticize so SHE CREATED ONE. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME.
Its the mens fault, all us women bi***ing and fighting over them, grow up girls the husband is the cause of the problem. They should be taking responsiblity to stop their new partner from causing trouble with the MUM of their children, I do not blame exwives being angry, its not really aimed at the new partner its really at their useless exhusband. Believe me men love women fighting over them it boosts their ego, the men are manipulative not the women, my expartner is getting remarried, he was hoping I would fight with his new wife to be, but sorry no I will not, I have invited her to have coffee with me offered friendship and hope we can all get on for the childrens sake, exhusband is very disappointed that I am happy to be friends with her and I feel he is causing the trouble.
On the other hand his new partner is not happy to be friends with me she is playing the childish game of trying to win my childrens love,loyalty and make a new little family pushing me out in other words and showing no respect that I have been a mother for 33 years, case of toxic new wife.
Shes welcome if she can do a better job then me good luck. My children are grownup I have two granddaughters she is trying to take over, gets upset if I’m there seeing mychildren and grandchildren, its ludicrous, considering she has bolted from her own three children 12,000 miles away, and guess what my exhusband does not stop her behaving badly blames me for it and takes her side. Its a no win situation. So blame the men they are gutless and afraid of both wives ex and new its mostly their fault the family breaks up. Should write a book about toxic ex husbands and leave the exwife alone.
Dear Adele
I still worry my husbsnd’s ex will try and take me out. I worry that she will do something to my children (that I have with her ex husband). There are some real fruit cakes out there – always watch your back….
L
I have been married to my husband for 9 yrs now. When I met him his son was 9 yrs old. I didn’t know what I was getting into either because I never dated a man with a child before. After we started dating his ex found out. She came over one day unanounced and walked in the house through the garage. I found out later that she still had a door key to the front door and was coming over to pay his bills and to visit her son during the week. I think that is wrong. Anyway as it went she hated me, called me names, would make calls during the night to my soon to be husband and really talk bad about me to her son. She threaten suicide twice when we were dating. Now her son is in the Army. She is on facebook daily. She has sent me a friend request again. Two months ago she humilated me by sending me a email regarding a picture of her son that was given to us by him, stating it belonged to her and that I should not post it on fb. She also proceeded to tell me I should stick to raising dogs, because I am not a fit human to raise kids. I chose not to have childern. Anyway before that email we were civil to each other. Now I believe she is at it again. She is baiting me and wanting a chance to humilate me again. This time I am not going to fall for it again. Enough is Enough with her. She is toxic. She is a real bitch and thinks to highly of herself. She puts on a facade on facebook like she is a good mother. It’s make me so mad. I know her for what and who she really is. I feel so hateful toward this female. So that is my story. To this day her and I can never enjoy each others company.
JP – I am from Australia – here you need to have court orders drawn up,stating all pick ups (weekends/holidays etc…)- A judge would rule it fair to share the travel (ie pick up half way, or one parent do each leg of a trip)
My husbands ex is a nightmare. She is about to be married for the 4th time, and with each husband she has successfully spent all of their money. My husband has been to hell and back. The kids have been so brainwashed. She moved 100′s of times (dozens of schools), lived hours away, and played stupid mind games. We’ve just put up with her antics, because unless you’re cashed up to hire a lawyer, there’s nothing you can do legally to stop the situtaion. My husband just tried to be in the kids life as much as possible.
The kids have now grown up. The eldest came and lived with us for the last 2 years of school and did exceptionally well. This child still has issues through how they were raised, but we were unable to fix everything. The other child is doing ok and visits us regurlary.
There’s not much you can do except be there for your kids and be a positive role model –
Jp – the driving is crazy!!! You coudnt put the kids through a 4 hour drive every weekend. You’d have to do it on school holidays where they can stay with you for weeks. As for the involvement with the family, thats out-and-out weird! And why did they break up anyway – can’t they see they she has hurt your boyfriend by relocating his children? I’m sorry – I love my job, but if I was broken up with my husband I would want him to be nearby to take up his part of the parenting role AND to have a father in their lives (especially if he wanted to be) – I hope you love your boyfriend because I’ve been through 12 years of a nightmare ex wife, and believe you me – there is some crap to deal with at times! If it’s not true love forever, leave now and find someone with no kids!
I need some help on guidance from people who have experienced this…
My boyfriends has two children with his ex-wife. The divorce was pretty simple and things with this kids have been simple. Nothing is in paperwork with the kids. The children live with their mother in a state approx 4 hours away. The mother moved due to her work. Boyfriend pays more in child support then what is actually required, made schedule to see children everyother weekend, involved with teachers and daycare. Phone calls children everyother day. Tries his best to be involved.
We are just starting to get over the hump of him “avoiding conflict” with the ex because he does not want to deal with her.
The problem is that she is highly invovled with his family. She sees his parents probably 4 times a week and his grandparents a little less. They have dinner, go places, sleep over eachothers places…His family states they are only involved with her to see the grandkids. Will this eventually go away? I guess it could be jealously on my part but it just bothers him and I that she is so invovled. It is great that the relationship is still there and his parents help her a lot w child transportation to school….often on the weekends that they aren’t with him they are with grandparents. It is almost like a representation of him without him there. He has tried to talk to the family about it and they agree to try to do less with her but its almost like it is increasing. We will not speak of the issue with his mother anymore because it is almost like she is playing both sides of the fence. The question has been asked if maybe she is so invovled because it bothers him?
In addition, how do some work out the distance? His parents and brother have offered to drive the kids half way at a meeting point to him. He is in the military 4 hours away as I stated eariler. He asked her recently if on occation she would help drive 2 hours for drop off. She stated that she refuses, that it is not her problem. Is she right?? I can’t seem to find any information on this. She states that he is not respectful to her, though he only speaks to her about the kids— he is not sure if its because he has asked for seperate holidays?? he asked her what he did that was so disrepectful but she did not answer the question.
Any help with these issues? ↑
wow, there are alot of interesting stories on here. I would never wish a toxic ex on anyone but guess it feels good to know im not alone and im sure we can always one up each other lol. I am very in love with my husband, we have been married five years now. I knew he had kids and was married before but really didnt know what i was getting into. I guess every family has their problems but this goes pretty deep. His ex was rude and hateful from the beginning. About a month after my husband proposed i got pregnant, i miscarried a month later. i have known ppl that miscarried but never realized just how horrible it was to lose a life that was inside you. It was awful and painful, emotionally and physically. to top it off the ex told the kids and everyone she knew that i faked being pregnant so that he would marry me, despite 3 positive tests and him being in the room when i had to have the dnc. she even made the comment to me that it was awfully funny that we got married then suddenly theres no baby, again insinuating that i faked it. (Ok tho..i got pregnant again shortly after and we have a beautiful 5yr old gir) anyway, I sure didnt see anything funny about it! She also told the kids that he cheated on her with me and that i was the reason for the divorce even tho i didnt actually know him til a year after they were divorced. met him once briefly many years before when i dated a co worker of his. Thier marriage ended very badly and was an unhappy one. she was a stay at home mom as i am but would fill out the pre approved credit card apps that came in the mail using his info. ran up 100s of thousands of dollars in cc debt that he didnt know about til they got sued. my husband has always worked very hard and did well for his family. He lost everything he had worked for and once she made sure he didnt have a pot to piss in left him for her 3rd cousin!! They fought alot in their marriage because of her family. Her step father “the kids grandpa” molested her as a child and young teen which she told my husband about. He did not want the kids around him of course but she constantly insisted they should spend time with the grandparents, it caused serious heated fights, And of course to no surprise he molested both of their children which we just found out about around 2yrs ago, now we are picking up the pieces and she has nothing to do with her kids. One is in college and hasnt lived with her for almost 3yrs and one is here with us now for 3yrs that is 16 and has some very serious issues. we moved 1,000 miles away to put some distance between us, her, and her sick family but no matter what over the years she does what she can to cause not just us but her kids problems. i really couldnt begin to tell you the half of it, of course in the beginning encouraging the kids to be rude to me, call me bad names, encouraging them not to come to our home things like that. That ended tho once they got a little older and were able to make up thier own minds and think for themselves. Her latest stunt was to claim the child we have in our home and have custody of on her taxes. Our filing was rejected so i had to spend hours gathering documents..div papers, school records, etc and re submit it. took about half my day. we wont be getting a refund but without claiming him would have to pay in a pretty good chunk of change while she would get a hefty refund by claiming a child she hasnt even had for visitation in 2yrs and does not support in anyway, financially or emotionally. I know legally we are in the right and will come out on top so i not worried about that, its just the point. i just see it as another form of harassment. we had been married for almost 2yrs and had moved twice but prior to moving out of state had a big yard/moving sale. I went to the store to get drinks for the kids, they were helping and it was hot. she called one while was in the car and by the time i got back she was on the phone with my husband and he was yelling. she was insisting that we give her half our yard sale money! cant understand where she gets her twisted sense of entitlement. There are no support issues, he always stayed current when she had custody them. which she gave up willingly, we didnt ask for it, she just didnt wanna deal with her kids anymore. all i know is that its constant drama.. she doesnt want or care about her kids so dont understand why she just doesnt leave everyone alone.its to much to even tell but its been five years now and she is on her 3rd marriage 5th total but wont stop her antics. I just want to be happy and enjoy my family and the husband im still very much in love with without all the issues and drama steming from his first marriage. I am not convinced it will ever end.Its like a dark cloud hanging over us. this woman is evil! she doesnt want to see anyone happy including her own kids. I have tried everything..being nice and all that but this woman makes it impossible and her bitterness only really damages 2 ppl. her kids. its very sad. I know one thing..once the 16yr old turns 18 and we dont legally have to keep contact with her we plan to change our adress, phone numbers,etc and she will not be allowed to have them! considering she gives her bill collectors our phone numbers and even has mail sent to our address with her name on it. she has never lived in this state or at this address and has had 3 dif last names since the divorce but claims she just doesnt know how that could happen! she does it on purpose just because she is crazy!!! anyway, i am at my wits end and see no end in sight. any advice for not just dealing with a toxic ex but a totally crazy one???
that is certainly quite interesting. It presented me a few ideas and I’ll possibly be writing them on my internet site soon. I’m bookmarking your site and I’ll be returning. Thank you again!
You can’t do anything to change your husband’s toxic ex-wife…but you CAN control your own behavior and attitude and mood. I know it sounds trite and hokey, but it’s true. The hardest and yet the simplest thing to do is focus on what you can change, which is yourself and your environment.
Hi…I can really sympathize with your situation with the ex. There are a couple of things that can be done, depending on your state. Check the laws about recording phone calls. In VA, it is legal to record someone on the phone so long as one party knows the call is being recorded and that simply means if you know you are recording the call no one else need know. Record the calls the ex makes and take her to court for harassment. Have the secretary screen calls at hubby’s work and he is unavailable to take calls, ever from her. Or simply have your husband record (write down) the number of times she calls and a short note about what the call was regarding. Take her to court to show a record of harassment.
My concern here are the children. If you and your husband sue for sole custody of the girls, that is one less reason for you and your husband to have nothing to do with this person. There sounds like there is a pattern of abuse that can be proven to the courts with ER records and her refusal to follow physician orders. Allowing the girls to stay with this person, makes you and your husband culpable to the abuse the kids are being exposed to. Show the court her refusal to get the child the care that she needs.
When she texts, e-mails etc. delete immediately. Do not read, it will only tempt you or your husband to answer.
Have you alerted the insurance company or anyone else that this woman is imitating you? That is a form of identity theft. Call companies you have a concern with and set up a four-digit code known only to you and the company. Record dates when information has been changed and get the names of the company spokespeople she has talked with and you talk with.
Record everything this person does, include any monetary damages, such as, the cost of getting new insurance. Take the information to court and sue her.
It sounds like, you have acquiesced power to her and that is a definite mistake. Let her know in no uncertain terms her behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. And then follow through.
Hi Everyone!
Its actually really helpful to read everyone’s posts about ex wives. I’m having a terrible problem with my husband’s ex wife, Dawn. She defines toxic.
I’ve been married to my husband for seven years this June 2011. In those 7 years, Dawn has filed 4 Temporary restraining order’s (all of which she dropped ) had my husband sent to jail saying he threatened her (then dropped it completely and was fined for filing a false police report ). She called child protective services saying my husband smacked his kids, which she later also admitted she was mad, so that was dropped. She’s called me at work pretending to be ny kids daycare teacher, saying my kid fell of playground equipment and was badly hurt..only to call my husband telling him it was just a ploy to “get back @ me”. I could go on and on. Then for about 3 years she dropped off the face of tge earth. Only to return married, 2 more additional kids ( her & my husband have 2 girls together who are 13 & 9), living with the new husband’s parents and grandmother
Now, she’s back! Calling, emailing, having us meet her @ the ER b/c the 13 year old is “flipping out”. In 3 weeks we had to meet her @ the ER 4 times in 3 weeks. Yet, she never follows up with therapy for the kid, despite the dr and hospitals recomindations. She texts, emails, calls my husband every day at work (never at home b/c she knows I’ll call her out on her BS..The new husband complains about her constantly which is also why she only calls during work hours.
Here’s my dilemma ..This woman scares the s**t out of me! She’s always up to no good. She has zero friends, she call’s the cop’s on everyone she gets mad at. I don’t believe for a second that she won’t cause me legal trouble in the future, she calls my insurance company and pretends to be me she can “change things around “!Basically this chick is a nutcase…and causes a lot of trouble constantly. But then just forgets she ever did…
any suggestions???
Congratulations Stevee – you are correct just send the positive message out there ! It does work. Thank you your email reminded me, i control how i feel and i can send positive messages and they will get returned. Drown the ex toxins with kindness ! Brilliant thank you for the reminder. Be happy in your life and that would be better than any legal battle! Love and live !! and smile. May be all the second wives in the world could send postive messages to help the second Wives every where. These toxic ex’s cant rule our lives !!!!!
I think I top everyone’s Toxic Ex. My husband left her over 20 years ago – not for me – he just left her. We hooked up 17 years ago and she blames me – telling all the relatives that we were seeing each while they were married. After we got married, 14 years ago, she has launched a campaign against me with her daughter and told everyone that I took her husband and I am a crack head. Now all of my husbands relatives are not speaking to me because of her because she has told them that I have been harassing her. To make matters worse, my husband started being mean to me because of the skank and he has been talking to her on the phone and she has told him to not listen to me when I tell him stories or issues about my mother or brother. My husband’s children are grown but are still being controlled by her. She will not allow them to have thankgiving or xmas with us or any other holiday. So, he kisses her ass all the time just to speak to them and see them once in a while. I have told him that he has given her power by going along with her control but its useless. He keeps trying to get her approval just to see and speak to his grown kids. I am so sick of it – don’t know what to do. Wht bothers me most is – he listens to the witch and refuses to comment on my issues about my mom and brother if I bring it up because she has told him that it is none of his business. I recently called her and told her – how dare you tell MY HUSBAND what to do concerning my family? She has crossed the line but so has he listening to that skeezer. I have told him that she is jealous, a low life, has no morals, values or grace. She has gone so far as to tell the grand kids not to speak to me if they call my house. What do I do? Looking online to find someway to sue her for harassment or stalking or both. I keep telling my husband that she is jealous and wants him back but he thinks that kissing her ass will get his three to see him and like him. Its ignorant and stupid for anyone to listen to her but they have.
One way I have come to get the upper hand it to wish her well, with love, respect, peace, prosperity and forgiveness – and then I her that she has taught her family negativity and abused and disrespected the grands by telling them to diss me. YOu don’t actually tell her in person, by phone or by email – you think it over and over again – and it works. If you think negative thoughts – they hear it and react negative. If you think positive thoughts and wish love, peace, forgiveness – they feel bad and actually stop their stupid, jealous behavior. Somehow it makes them hate what they have done. Furthermore, you can make the wish globally, worldwide and announce it to the entire family and they will all hear you. All this is said to yourself of course and the positive thoughts of love, peace, forgiveness,properity, etc. actually work. Send uplifting thoughts and prayers to the toxic ex as well and tell her what she is doing wrong and tell her what she shold be doing in a positive way and things basically start to change.
That is the only thing I cn do right now until I find a legal way to end it.
Oh someone give me some advice I have a doosy of all doosy. My husband and i are very happy. I have had contact with his children I have never met his ex. I dont know her only witnessed the pain of her children. The Ex is crucifying my ex which we can actually deal with, it is the pain and isolation it causes his children. How do you deal with this toxic person. I can not keep my distance anymore. His daughter now lives with us and the mother is constantly berating her. I have heard her swearing to her daughter over the phone how does a mother do this to her own flesh and blood. She manipulates the two younger boys to the point where it is unbearable for them to see their father. One has not seen his dad for months and has been in trouble with the law the mother is not helping encouraging tattoos as she has them encouraging drinking under age realtions in her house. It is sad but there seems nothing we can do. Texting her to asking her where the son in trouble with the law is she told my hubby its none of his business. i have heard phone conversation and seen texts where she completely manipulates the truth her teenage sons do hear this. They are not worldly enoough to understand there mum is letting them down what do i do as a second wife to help lesson the destruction. I have know children i only have tow pets and i would not treat them at all like i am seeing her treat her children HELP !!
I have been put through hell from my Husband’s crazy Ex-Wife. When we first started our relationship she was constantly trying to interfer in our life. She would call my Husband several times a day. One time she called him nine times. She’d show up at our home, uninvited and when we’d ask her to leave she would not go. She couldn’t accept the fact my Husband was moving on.
The reason they divorced was because she had several affairs. She would cheat and then tell him vivid details of her sexual encounters. They had two small children and my Husband’s Brother had gone through a nasty divorce. His children were effected. They began using drugs and running away, etc. etc. One of them even ended up in jail. My Husband thought he would do his best to try to keep things on a friendly basis with his Ex, so the children would have a happy childhood. He did not like her and despised the terrible things she had done to him.
When she was out running around, it was my Husband who took care of the children. He was both a Mother and a Father to them for years. Throughout the years she was never a good Mother, so it was my Husband who gave them the security and love that children need. If it hadn’t been for the love and care my Husband gave those children, I’m not sure what would have happened to them.
My Husband is truly “one of a kind”. He is the type of guy who always thinks of others before himself, so for years he never addressed the pain she caused in his life. He swept all the pain under a rug and just kept trying to go forward. He’d always want his kids to wake up at his house on Christmas morning and he would even allow his Ex to come over to his house to watch them open their gifts to make things nice for his kids. He’d do joint Birthday parties and other family get togethers with her, again “all for the kids”.
He never thought that once he found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with that she would start the trouble she did. In the beginning I had a great relationship with the kids and she did not like that. She felt like I was trying to replace her and has accussed me many times of having had plans to take her children away from her from the very start.
It was quite the opposite. My children are about 10 years older than my Husband’s and I had no desire to raise children again. As the children felt the love of a real family environment (one they had never had), they started to feel more comfortable. Stories of abuse came out and we found out that she had physically, not to mention emotionally hurt the children on many occassions. Seeing the children had the perception that my Husband and their Mother were friends by the way my Husband had handled things, they had never told my Husband what had been going on their whole lives.
The children eventually ended up telling us they wanted to live with us. The minute she found this out, his Ex tried to sue my Husband for sole custody. He counter sued for “joint custody” with him being the primary.
The courts brought in a guadian and it ended up taking 8 months to get to court. Each weekend we had the kids they would tell us things that the Ex was doing, like telling them their Father didn’t love them, etc. etc. By the time court came around, the children told the guardian that they had changed their minds and wanted to stay with their Mother. When we asked the kids what made them change their minds, their voices began to shake so bad that they could hardly talk. The manipulation they had been put through was more than obvious. Seeing the kids ended up with the Ex, their already abusive lives have become even worse.
My Husbands Daughter was even raped by a family member and the Mother had full knowledge of this and only told the family member that if it happened again she would have him thrown in jail. It ended up happening again and she did absolutely nothing.
We did not find out about it until we had my Husband’s Daughter on Spring Break and she broke down and told me that she had something to tell me that she should have told me a long time ago. She asked me to tell her Father what had happened.
My Husband went to Social Services and they dropped the case after investigating saying they didn’t have enough evidence that the Mother had neglected her.
The family member is not in jail and nothing was ever done to him. I think it was for lack of DNA, because the Mother never took her to be examined.
We found out recently that she still allows my Husbands Daughter to be around this family member and in his Daughter’s opinion it was “no big deal” because she had a crush on him and it “just happened”. She was 14 and he was almost 22. She is very immature and he took total advantage of her. One day it will hit her and it will hit her hard. He took away her virginity and she will never be able to get that back.
No matter what we’ve done to try to help the kids, we just run into brick walls. The Ex has gotten the children to absolutely hate me and they often try to break my Husband and I up. They have basically turned into their Mother. The Daughter has no self-respect and the Son can look you right in the face and lie to you (a major problem of the Ex). The children have caused problems in our relationship with my Husbands family because they lie about us and try to make us look like the bad guys.
We’ve gone to counseling and we’ve tried many things to get the good relationship we once had with them back, with no luck at all. It’s gotten to the point where we almost feel we are better off having no relationship with them then having all this stress in our lives. In the beginning we’d be happy when they came over but now we know their visit will just be a stressful one and we are tired of having so much stress in our lives. We feel that unless the Mother moves far away, nothing will change. Perhaps when the children get older and are away from their Mother’s negative, abusive influence, we will be able to have the Step-Family we have always wanted. Until then we are just trying to figure out what is the best way to handle things. We love the children and always will but we can’t let the fact that their Toxic Mother has now turned them into Toxic Children and we do not want Toxins in our lives. Do you have any suggestions? I’d appreciate your help.
I think it’s a bad idea to try and meet with toxic ex’s and allowing them to know a lot about you. Usually they only want to know you to determine if they can compete with you, and learn information about you to flip it and use it against you. I am a second wife; glad to find comfort in this post but saddend by the fact that there are so many toxic women out there. My husband has to children by his ex wife. This woman is a devil in sheep’s clothing. She even had the nerve to call my husband and tell him how unsatisfied she is sexually with her new boyfriend because his penis size is significantly smaller than my husbands’. She psychologically manupulates her own children. She has her children take my belongings. She even asked her children was I prettier than her. It’s like lady how old are you again? She bad talks me in front of them and constantly brings drama into my marriage with the constant court dates and therapy sessions. It’s like she will do anything just to be around MY husband. I do think that it’s important not to respond to her negative behavior. It’s to the point at which my husband can even stand her as a person anymore. The ironic thing is that her children adore me. As they age hopefully they will be able to block her mental games. I think the most important thing to remember as a second wife is that their relationship ended for a reason, and if your husband was flattered by her toxic tactics then he would be with her but instead he chose you, AND THAT IS WHY SHE IS BITTER !
okay here goes. My husband and his ex wife were together for all together 5 years and married 2 of that. In which time they had a son. My husband and i meet a little over year they were split up and we got married a year after that. She flipped out and tried to get him back when she found out we were getting married. When she was the one who ended the marriage by leaving for another man. Then when she found out i was pregnant she flipped out saying she was taking his son away from him. They have joint custody and everytime she gets mad she is always saying she is taking it to court so he can’t see his son. She has there out burst about every two weeks. I don.t understand why she is this way. When we keep the his son more than she ever has. She is always pushing him off to go to parties and other things. I think she talks bad to me to the son because i would watch him during the day to save them money plus i really enjoy him. And he has been telling her that i’ve spanked him twice now. And which i would not due because he is not my son, but i do use the time out. and so i decided that it would be best not to watch him anymore without my husband there to avoid that. And when my husband told her they would have to find someone else to watch him because i didn’t feel comfortable with it she flipped out again. She gets so mad when we don.t tell her first whats going on in our life. When we found out i was pregnant she told him she should have been the first to know. And on our wedding day she called every hour on the hour. Because she wanted their son back. She is all the time trying to control my husband by using his son against him. We’ve only been married for 3 months and i’m 9 weeks pregnant. And i just can’t take all her drama all the time. It seems she plays a bigger part in our marriage than i do.
What do you do when your ex-husband and his new wife of a very short relationship are both toxic and love to create drama and control situations? She is trying to change everything from court and treats my children like prisoners and slaves while they are there and he lets her? My children are 15, 13, & 9. She even answered the phone the other day when I asked to speak to my children and was totally disrespectful and rude to me. I would never treat my step-children’s mom that way.
I have an incredible situation myself. My boyfriend’s ex has done all of the above, and gone so far as to be naked on multiple occasions when he goes to pick up his daughter.
All I can do is just sit back, not only do I not have anything to fear about my bf, he’s incredibly dedicated to me, but I am so far above her trashy antics that they barely cause a blip on my radar anymore. My bf is aware that it is up to him to set boundaries, and to create something healthy with her where the people in his world aren’t impacted by her immaturity.
So ladies, one day at a time, just remember that the ex is simply exhibiting the exact behavior that your new husband (or boyfriend) divorced her for. Applaud when she shows herself to be the fool. It only highlights your class, and his good choice with picking you.